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shinigamisparda — An Event Long in Coming
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Published: 2011-06-01 08:13:13 +0000 UTC; Views: 4700; Favourites: 23; Downloads: 0
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An Event Long in ComingEight years…
Eight years since I came here…
Eight years since the birth of a new me…
Eight years since that terrible event. Yes it was terrible, and yet so much good came out of it. Bonds were forged and strengthened, evil was stopped, and lives were rebuilt and improved. Including mine…
Eight years since a goddess gave us her blessing, since I found a real family, since I made true friends…
And eight years since… Her…
Eight years since a mad dash to save her in another world, since I helped her realize what was important to her, since a passion filled Christmas Eve…
Eight years, to the day in fact, since I first laid eyes on her. May 16, 2011…
I came back not long ago, to my true hometown, my real family, my cherished friends, and most importantly her…
Souji Seta sat on the mat in the seiza position, something unusual for him as he usually sat cross-legged. The muscles in his legs were beginning to ache, not used to the traditional style of sitting on one's knees. But he hardly noticed as fear and anxiety were surging through his body. He would be laughing at himself if he wasn't scared stiff. He had faced monsters that most people believed only existed in fairy tales, helped put a serial killer behind bars, and faced not one but two divine beings in head to head combat. And now one man had him completely and utterly terrified.
Hidehisa Shirogane, the eldest of living member of the renowned Shirogane detective clan, was a man with an intimidating presence. Not so much that one would feel that their life was in danger around him but rather that they couldn't measure up to what he represented. Living up to the meaning of his surname, "superior era", Souji could only feel that the person he was staring at was something from a bygone time that he couldn't stand on equal grounds with, at least not at this point in his life. But just because his aura of prestige was his most definitive feature didn't mean he was lacking in other areas. The seventy-year old man's physical appearance was a sight to behold, especially considering how weak and feeble most are at such an age. Though he wasn't particularly tall or short his muscles were noticeably present on his body, not to any impressive extent but enough to show that he was in great shape for his age. On top of that was the way he carried himself, upright posture with a strong and dignified stance. Hell, if it wasn't for his fully grey hair and wrinkled face Souji would've mistaken him for being no less than twenty years younger. Souji couldn't really admire him though. After all, this impressive and imposing figure was the biggest, and only, roadblock in the path of his goal.
"So you're Souji Seta," said Hidehisa, more as a statement than a question. His voice carryied a powerful yet gentle weight to it.
"Y-Yes sir, " Souji responded quickly. The aura this man gave off seemed to push him into a state of submission, like a servant addressing someone of higher stature.
"I see. I must confess I haven't heard much about you."
Souji flinched. Why hadn't Naoto talked much about him, even after all this time?
"I-Is that s-so?" he stuttered, doing all he could not to break eye contact with the elder detective's sharp blue eyes.
"Well, at least not in comparison to her other friends. But she did speak highly of you, for what little she did mention."
Souji stifled a sigh of relief as best he could. Of course Naoto wouldn't have talked much about him to others. Her shyness had kept her from even talking to him with a noticeable amount of emotional honesty, although she had certainly loosened up since he first met her. He remembered just a few months ago when he arrived back in Inaba in early January that she had been unable to even hug him publicly without his initiative.
"Yeah, she's not really the type to go off rambling unless the subject is work-related, huh?" he said, unable to hide a smirk from his face.
Thankfully, the elder Shirogane responded with a reserved grin of his own. "Indeed. But she has improved greatly, hasn't she? I suppose I owe you for helping in that regard."
"Well, it's not like I can take all the credit. After all, I'm not the only friend she made back then."
"True, but you have had the greatest impact on her. Of that I am certain."
Souji did the best he could keep his grin from widening into a proud smile. Still, he felt it was best to be humble. "What makes you say-?"
"Please, Seta-san," Hidehisa interrupted. "Who do you think taught my granddaughter the skills for her profession?" The two of them chuckled. "I wish Naoto would have brought you here to the estate back when she first met you. I would've liked to thank you immediately for helping to open her heart, rather than now when I feel it is long overdue."
Souji's grin became a gentle smile. He felt that he and the elder Shirogane were beginning to form a connection with each other. However, he realized they were still dancing around the big pink elephant in the room.
"But you did not come here merely to talk with an old man about days gone by, have you?" Hidehisa's face had returned to its original stern expression. It seemed he felt it was time to abandon the pleasantries and get to the point.
"No, I haven't, " Souji responded, his face turning serious. He stared at the elder detective, waiting for him to respond. When he realized that that wasn't going to happen he closed eyes exhaled sharply.
He drifted deep into thought, thinking about just what he was trying to overcome here, what kind of problems he was confronting.
First of all, Naoto was the only other living member of the Shirogane clan. The Shiroganes had been prominent detectives for centuries and the name even now carried respect among all of the police departments of Japan. But because Naoto was a girl that meant that the Shirogane name risked fading from the limelight. After all, it wasn't the female's clan name that remained after it was all done.
Second was that even after all these years her identity as a woman was still largely unknown to the public and the police force. Despite becoming comfortable with and accepting her gender she still had more masculine tastes and, both out of habit and preference, still spoke with a deeper voice and used masculine pronouns. Even after nearly a decade since confronting and overcoming her shadow she still wore the bindings around her chest. Although he could tell she wore them looser than before they were still tight enough that no one would think to question her title as the Detective Prince. If they were to go through with this her true identity would certainly be exposed, which even now after all the respect she had gained would still likely have negative effects on her male-dominated career.
But perhaps the biggest issue was Hidehisa himself. After living with his uncle Dojima for a year he had seen the stereotype of a father's protectiveness of his daughter was true to an almost alarming extent, and he had no doubt the elder detective would be the same. But even more than just the usual father's overprotective tendencies was also how the elder Shirogane had lost both his son and daughter-in-law and acted as a single parent to his only descendant, both which would have made him exponentially more protective of her.
But as he considered all this Souji's mind drifted to recent memories, namely the day he had returned, when he and Naoto had finally had some time alone to themselves…
She had led him around a corner where she was sure no one else would see and quickly wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. He was shocked for a moment, caught off guard by her forwardness, but then quickly responded with the same. Their eyes closed, their tongues darting back and forth between their lips, it was a sensation that muffled everything in the world that wasn't related to them. He heard her moan in her higher pitch, her feminine voice that was meant only for his ears.
She broke the kiss, moving back just enough to see her whole face as she kept the embrace. "I missed you, Senpai," she said in an almost dazed voice. "I missed you so much. All the calls, the texts, the emails, they did nothing to mollify my yearnings."
"Me neither," he responded. "I wanted to be back like this for so long, I could hardly stand it. The thought that one day we would be together again couldn't numb the pain, but it was enough to keep me going." He was about to move in for another passionate locking of lips when she tilted her head down, hiding her eyes beneath her visor. "Naoto, what's wrong?"
"I apologize, it's just…" she trailed off. The visor couldn't hide the tears rolling down her cheeks and the quivering of her lips. "It's just that…" Her voice began to shake, emotion too powerful to be restrained beginning to break through. "Despite all the times when we made contact with each other, all the messages between us of our yearning for one another, I couldn't keep a deplorable thought from entering my mind and festering over these years. I kept thinking that I would just be Senpai's highschool crush. You always had a way of enamoring women without intending to, and I couldn't help but think that maybe you had found someone else. Someone more beautiful, more charming, more… feminine."
"Naoto-"
"I know. I realize that I shouldn't have doubted you, but I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't suppress these feelings from growing inside me over these years." She sniffled before continuing. "This is why I fear my feminine emotions and the weakness they bring."
"Naoto, that fear isn't a female thing, it's a human thing," he assured her. He ran a finger gently along her chin, tilting her head up towards him. Her gaze met with his again, the tears still streaming from her gorgeous dark blue eyes. "Even I was afraid you might've found someone else while I was gone."
She looked at him, shocked by his words. Soon however, an unrestrained wave of relief washed over her face, her mouth turning up into a gentle smile while her eyes now wept tears of joy. "Senpai…"
"I'm back, Naoto. And I'm not going anywhere. I promise," he reassured her. She nodded slightly before closing her eyes. He did the same and they both leaned forward, their lips meeting once more…
He remembered the fear in her voice then, and the joy that came soon afterward. He clenched his fingers until his knuckles turned white, summoning all his strength and will as he opened his eyes to gaze back at her grandfather. He wasn't doing this just for his own sake; he was doing it for hers as well.
"Hidehisa Shirogane," he began his voice strong and firm. "I would be eternally grateful if you could find it within you to give me your blessing and allow me to marry your granddaughter."
There was a long silence between the two where neither man's expression changed. After a few moments the elder grunted. "As I thought," he said without any emotion.
Souji noted that Hidehisa didn't look surprised in the least. No doubt he had already deduced that that was why he was here, probably from the second he sat down. Maybe even when Yakushiji had announced his presence.
"I hope for your sake that you understand just what it is you are asking of me."
"I do," Souji replied with confidence.
"Oh?"
"I'm asking you to consider me as the person Naoto will spend the rest of her life with, someone who will share in every experience she has. I'm asking you to trust me as someone who will be by her side through every hardship, to support her whenever she might feel troubled, and will never abandon her no matter what the circumstances."
"That's quite a statement, young man," he replied, his tone not altered in the least.
"I suppose it is," Souji replied. He actually wasn't sure where those words came from. He blurted them out without thinking and once it had started he felt the need to just go with it.
Hidehisa rose from his mat, turned away from him and then walked before stopping in front of a nearby window. His back was completely turned to him. "I must admit, I do feel happy that there is someone who can see Naoto in such a way. She had so much trouble making friends that the idea of a husband seemed completely out of the question." Souji noticed a small hint of amusement in his tone. "That being said, perhaps you could explain to me why I should consider you as a suitable candidate for such a role?"
Souji flinched. It wasn't a question he was expecting or knew how to answer. Just what reason could he give that would satisfy this imposing and dominating figure? What could he say that would make him believe that he was more worthy than anyone else?
"I love her with all my heart and soul?"
"Well that's great, but it won't help pay the bills."
"I appreciate her for who she is and would never force her to be otherwise?"
"Well that's good because if you did I'd tell you to eat shit and die."
There was nothing, no objective reason that he should have her instead of anyone else, and he certainly wasn't going to make one up. He wasn't rich or famous, he didn't come from any prestigious family line, there was nothing special about him. Well, nothing that would matter here.
Well, as they say, "Honesty is the best policy."
He sighed. "To be frank, Shirogane-san, I can't give you any reason why you should choose me over someone else. All I can say is that I'm deeply in love with your granddaughter. We've been dating for years now and even though she tells me she doesn't understand why I would choose her, I think it's more incredulous that she chose me. She's an amazing woman, extremely bright and courageous with an amazingly strong sense of right and wrong. She's incredibly capable and determined, and there aren't many things I can think of that I can do well that she can't do better. And although she continually denies it I find her to be the most beautiful person on the face of the planet." Souji gulped, he had just completely sold himself short. "In the end, I suppose its up to you to decide whether or not I'm worthy of her."
Hidehisa turned his head far enough to gaze back at him. His stern yet blank expression had changed if only slightly. It was either a look of curiosity or flat out confusion, however little he expressed. He turned back toward the window before replying. "Tell me, Seta-san, you are out of college, correct? What do you do for a living?"
"Well, I graduated with degrees in literature and religious studies. I really want to be a writer, but that career probably isn't going to take off soon so while I write I also teach religions and mythologies of the world at the university level. But I'm not part of any specific college at this point. I mostly see if there are any openings in any of the universities for those subjects that would last a semester or two. I've been fortunate for the most part as it doesn't seem there are many teachers for that subject."
"So you are a freelancer teacher?"
"Uh yeah, I guess that's the way to put it."
"And when you do not have any openings to fill? What then?"
"Well, I take some part time jobs when that situation arrives or private tutoring sessions. The local Junes has been pretty helpful these past few months."
"Hm."
Souji was doing his best to keep himself under control. He was getting more and more terrified by the second, and Hidehisa's silence only made it worse. All he could think of was how much things seemed to have spiraled downward since he asked for permission to marry her. He kept picturing how lost and alone she felt when she confessed her fears to him back in January, how seeing that expression on her face tore him up inside. He needed her, but it seemed she needed him more. She had opened her heart to him, given him the responsibility of caring for it, and even if it wasn't exactly his fault it felt like any second he was going to smash it. Should he tell her grandfather that? Should he try to guilt him into allowing the proposal? Would the bitterness that he would no doubt face from him in the early years be an acceptable loss, just a test to show him that he could be a loving and reliable husband, assuming of course he even agreed? He couldn't think straight. All he knew was that he would rather die a thousand times over than see her sad ever again.
A knock on the door came to interrupt his thoughts, startling him out of his terrified state.
"Come in," the elder Shirogane said.
The door slid open, revealing Yakushiji. "Forgive the intrusion, Shirogane-sama. I thought you should know Naoto-san has returned."
'Returned?!' No! This isn't how it was supposed to work! She said she wouldn't be back for another few days!
"Thank you, Yakushiji. Could you ask her to come here when she has the chance?"
"Of course, sir." And with that he closed the door and left.
NO NO NO! THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET IT ALL DONE AND HAVE THE WHOLE THING WORKED OUT AND SURPRISE HER WHEN SHE GOT BACK!
Hidehisa turned and Souji did everything he could to suppress his emotions, and yet he feared it wasn't enough.
WRONG! THIS IS ALL WRONG! HOW DID EVERYTHING TURN OUT LIKE THIS!?
After what felt like an eternity, the door opened and there she was.
"Souji-kun? What're you doing here?"
Souji exhaled sharply as he rose to try and relax himself. He didn't turn to face her until he was completely back on his feet.
"Hey, Naoto-chan," he replied, trying to sound as natural as possible. "Uh, well, you see-"
"Seta-san came to pay me visit," the elder detective interrupted. "He had never met me before and on a whim decided to see if I was available today."
What? Why was he lying? Did he just want to pretend that this whole thing never happened? Damn it!
"Is that so? You should've asked me to escort you here, Senpai."
"Uh, well, you always seemed so busy and I didn't want to be a bother."
"Seta-san, could you step outside for a moment? I'd like to speak privately with my granddaughter."
Souji hesitated for a moment then nodded and left, avoiding Naoto's gaze as he walked passed her. He closed the door behind him then walked a short distance before stopping in both body and mind.
What the hell? I don't get it. If he wanted to pretend it didn't happen why would he want to talk to her alone?
Right then his brain lurched. What if it was just to get him out of the room so he could try and convince her not to see him anymore? Would he do that? Had he really made such a bad impression that he would not only deny him the right to propose but also would force him to leave her life entirely?
Damn! DAMN! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN! DAMN YOU, OLD MAN! I KNOW YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER BUT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SHE FEELS!? I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTS THIS, SO DOES SHE! EVEN MORE THAN ME SHE NEEDS THIS! CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'LL BREAK HER HEART!?
Right then the door violently opened with a bang. He spun around to see her with a look of complete and utter shock upon her face.
"Naoto, what-?"
"Is it true?"
"W-What?"
She practically sprinted over to him, her face still frozen in surprise. "Is it true, Souji-kun? Did you really come here to-? Did Senpai come here to ask me-?"
Souji looked at her, his mind almost completely blank. He looked behind her to see Hidehisa standing in the doorway. Their eyes met and, after a brief moment, he grinned and gave a slight nod.
He couldn't believe it, was he worried this whole time over nothing? Had he decided that he was good enough for her? Or had he chosen to take a risk for the sake of his granddaughter? Either way Souji felt every emotion but pure unbridled joy leave his body.
Shirogane-san, I swear you won't regret this decision. I'll die before I let that happen.
He turned his gaze back to Naoto, her face still in utter shock, but he now saw something else. There was a look of great anticipation in her eyes, they were practically begging him to say those words. He reached into his pocket and grasped the small leather box and froze. He could simply have said "Yes" or "Naoto-chan, will you marry me?" like any other man, but decided against it. This was going to be the happiest moment of both their lives so far, and he felt like he went through Hell and back twice to get here. He would be damned if he wasn't going to make this special as well.
He gently took her hand and went down on one knee. "Naoto Shirogane," he began, taking the box out of his pocket and gingerly placing it in her palm. He thought back to that day in January when they parted after meeting, how all he could think about was the dreadful expression in her eyes when she spoke of the possibility of him finding someone else. He promised himself right then and there he was never going to let that expression come to be ever again. He remembered how he had immediately set off to the Shopping District to take every job he could get his hands on. The counting of Yen, the pinching of coins, all to give her this; A symbol of the beginning of the next step, as well as the fulfillment of that promise to never see her sad ever again. "Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" he continued. "Will you give me a chance to make you happy for the rest of your life?"
Time seemed to stop as she gazed down at him, nothing moving the slightest inch. It seemed even as though the whole world had held its breath. Then she slowly, anxiously, brought her other hand to the small box, her whole body quivering with excitement. She gently opened it and gasped, seeing the ring inside and knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was real. Though her eyes were still wide in shock a smile the likes he had never seen appeared on her face as her eyes began to well up with tears.
Before he could react she threw herself at him, gripping him tightly and burying her face into his shoulders. He could feel her tears on his skin, soaking though his clothes. "I don't think you could make me any happier than I am right now," she whispered, her voice muffled by his body.
He smiled and returned the embrace. "No offense meant, Naoto-chan, but I'm going to go out of my way to prove you wrong."
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Comments: 50
OK. I'm going to begin by saying SoujixNaoto certainly isn't my favorite pairing of all time.
But this very much brought it up a good few rungs on the lovely pairing ladder.
I love the characterization. Naoto was wonderfully in-character, and shows the growth of their character from the beginning. Hidehisa, you made loveable and intimidating just from a few paragraphs of text. I wish he was my grandfather; the job was wonderfully done.
Now. I don't believe in criticizing anyone's adaptation of Souji, truly. Everyone's interpretation of him is different, naturally, as he is the textbook definition (for the most part) of tabula rasa. I think the only thing I would ever say would be mandatory would be the fact that he be human and believable.
Under these circumstances, and any others, I daresay I've nothing negative to say of your Souji. He's calm, mature, loveable, but he's human, all throughout, and while he's endearing, he's not perfect, judging by his loss of cool the moment he sees his carefully constructed plans fall to jeopardy.
I must say, I have so much respect for you. Not only for the piece in general, but the division you make of human weakness v. female weakness. I'm not a feminist, by any means--much more of an equalist, where it matters. But your use of Souji to dictate a respect for women definitely brought on feelings of utter respect for it.
I also love Souji's reference point of how to regard the fatherly figure as being Dojima--It not only suggests character development from your universe's Dojima in one small line, but also really tells the reader you're doing a lovely job of staying true to characters in all regards. It also made me grin like an idiot because hell, I love Dojima actually being a parent, I really do. The fact that he's becoming over protective of Nanako just tickles me pink.
I will say, though, that sometimes you slip on comma usage, where the human mind will pause naturally, but your writing won't. It's just a small grammar thing, but something that became a little noticeable to me in the beginning. You seemed to break out of it part way into the fic, however.
I enjoyed the 8 theme you had going on in the beginning-- 8 years, 8 anaphoric statements to open the piece, the fact that Naoto is the 8th member to join the group, and, hell, the fact that they're an 8-person team to begin with. It was a really nice, subtle way to open the piece as a Naoto-centric fic without stating it; something few would catch onto, but if they did, would respect it greatly.
In all, great job! I enjoyed it greatly! I'm going to check the others out; don't be afraid to write more, for sure!
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Um... Yeah... Eight theme... That was totally planned out and didn't just notice it now that you - DAMN IT SUBCONSCIOUS, WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO THAT PEOPLE THINK I'M SMARTER THAN I ACTUALLY AM!?
As for Naoto, I'm one of the guys that doesn't tell her her voice sounds weird. I don't care about seeing her in the schoolgirl outfit. In fact I prefer her in the males clothing. It's who she is. She's powerful, confident and masculine, yet simultaneously timid and feminine and that duality is what I adore about her.
I wanted to make Souji human here. He may be an amazing person, a great leader and smooth talker, intelligent and athletic, courageous and with an amazing amount of charisma, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't have his flaws. He's still human, and I'm glad I conveyed that well.
And of course Dojima is being a parent to Nanako. After all, he's not as obsessed with his wife's death anymore and he almost lost his daughter. On top of that Souji helped them both realize how important they were to each other, so there's no doubt they'd still be close. I'm glad that was such a plus for you.
And please, don't feel hesitant about criticizing any mistakes I make. My main focus is on characterization and keeping everyone in character, so certain things tend to slip by me. Also, I'm not that great with grammar to begin with.
Thank you for all the wonderful praise, and I hope you enjoy the rest of them as well!
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Greatly appreciated! Anything you like in particular?
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I thought you got Naoto pretty good. ^^
I liked the ending scene were Naoto is just absolutely amazed and can't believe it's true.
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Thanks, that's one area that I really wanted to do a good job.
I've got three other Persona 4 related one-shots that you could take a look at. I would appreciate your input!
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I might have to do that some time. If they aren't with Naoto I might not enjoy it as much. xD
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Sorry, but although there are mentions of Naoto, she isn't playing as prominent as roll in the other two.
Two of them are Yosuke/Chie and the other is a more dramatic test of friendship for Souji and Yosuke.
However, I do have big plans for a particular long fanfic that takes place in the continuity that these four one-shots. I assure, Souji and Naoto's relationship, among other things, will take a prominent role.
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Well, whenever that one comes around I'll be certain to read it. ^^
I think I read the one between Souji and Youske, or at least I know I read one. Was about Souji getting drunk and telling everyone that they were Social Links that he had to Max.
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Yup, that's the one! Your thoughts?
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I don't think anything helpful really. The whole concept was very interesting, and the story itself was good/interesting.
Maybe it's just my experienced, but if I was with a drunk friend and he started talking about "social links" and leveling up and all that I'd just tell him he needs to stop drinking. xD
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They might've done that, if they hadn't saved the world from being encompassed by fog and defeating a goddess by using gods and demons summoned using floating tarot cards in an alternate world inside a T.V. That kind of thing makes you more open minded.
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I guess that might make you believe just about anything. xD Oh well, it all ended well anyway, even if Souji probably got a black eye.
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Thanks for adding me to your watch!
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Yea, now I only have you and one other person watching. I'm interested to what you do with all those polls you have.
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It'll be a while, but it will have a payoff.
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Well I'm sure you'll make it worth the wait. At least judging from the SoujixNaoto story.
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uhmmmm...... hmmmmm........ moinjonlkm f;lbvmapoirjgapnvo uhsodvinm xlckvjn zsd;ofgbaz dsrn. ...................
that first part wasn't really necessary but i wanted to.
I dunno, I kinda always saw souji as the silent yes/no/awesome answer type.
I kinda like how he got degrees in religion and english, but after all that He saw with the mist/fog/cards/longnose igor, I don't think he would be the religious type.
I also thought that Souji felt a bit out of character, but other than that, pretty good I'd say.
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Also, he was nervous, which may account for the "out of character" aspects.
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Souji doesn't have a set personality, so everyone has their own interpretation of him. Me, I personally saw him as a calm type, even after opening up to everyone.
Also, you don't have to be religious to study religion. I'm proof of that.
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The entire time I was reading, I was waiting for the words, "Your courage has significantly increased!"
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Haha! Didn't cross my mind even once to write that! Well, it would've spoiled the mood anyway.
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Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!
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This fits in quite nicely with Naoto's Social Link I think. Parents gone, feminine side somewhar buried, and then one lone transfer student breaks down all those barriers to find a Naoto who is searching for the same thing in her heart that he is.
This is a well written piece, and I look forwad to reading more.
Well done
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Thank you! I'm glad you appreciate my work.
Unlike some, I prefer Naoto more masculine (i.e. I didn't try to put her in the Sailor Fuku outfit for Christmas). That being said I feel her development revolves around learning to embrace her femininity and realizing that she doesn't have to make as great a sacrifice of herself for it that she thinks she does.
Like many characters similar to her (not only females) Naoto squashes her emotions in an attempt to keep herself from being hurt by the world, which is why opening her heart is not just a slow and arduous process, it is one that terrifies her. Her relationship with Souji, as well as her friendship with everyone else, slowly helps her learn that exposing one's emotions, her "feminine" and "vulnerable" self, is not so scary especially when opening up to those that want to ensure she doesn't get hurt.
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I'm really not experienced as a writer, so I can't really give you any helpful critique, but I have to say that your writing style really surprised me, positively mind you!
I've read quite some Souji/Naoto fanfictions but none of them really did it for me. Yours is great! You kept both of them in-character (as far as you can keep Souji in-character) and the theme of your story was very romantic and sweet, but not boring. I loved that you chose to write out of Souji's point of view, the struggle of them finally getting together was a lot more heartwarming like this, it was so lovely seeing Souji doing everything for his love. 
You wrote Naoto very cute and vulnerable at times, but definitely kept her strong and not TOO sweet and feminine, I liked that. She was gorgeous! I really loved the part where Souji told her her fear is a humane thing.
And the ending~~! ;o; it was lovely...! Especially the last line, oh Souji you're so cocky in a romantic way. 
Great work, I enjoyed it a lot.
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Thanks, I really appreciate it! I don't know why so many people say that they're not fit to critique this because what you've given me is exactly what I'm looking for. Not a critique on my grammar or something, like I guess everyone thinks.
Anyway, on the subject of not making Naoto too feminine, that's a rather interesting point for those of us who went to pursue a relationship with her: do you try to make her more of a girl or keep her with her more masculine tendencies? I personally prefer her masculine. I feel it makes her a more empowering individual, and I personally prefer women who can handle themselves both in a fight and in the world of the glass-ceiling which, despite things like women's rights and gender equality being passed in most 1st world countries, hasn't completely faded away yet.
However, on the subject of making her vulnerable it's not something she takes to easily. Naoto has built up her whole reputation being tough and even her ideal of the hard boiled detective is also based around not showing emotion. Because of this she has no idea how to handle when she feels vulnerable. Another reason she is so against showing her emotion is because as a woman society encourages her to be weak and standing on the sidelines while the men go out and do the work. All of this makes her expressing love to Souji difficult. After all, what is love if not making yourself completely vulnerable to another person? My idea with her relationship with Souji is through him she learns that it's ok to make yourself vulnerable to someone you trust and that she can be feminine and show emotion without becoming weak because of it.
And I wrote it from Souji's point of view because, let's face it, there's nothing scarier than your girlfriend's dad. He's one of the most intimidating opponents any man will ever face, mostly because he's not a opponent you can defeat, he's one that you need to make like you.
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Oh okay! 
I agree with you on everything you said about Naoto. When I did her S.Link I thought her vulnerable and feminine sides were so loveable and adorable, but that's only BECAUSE I like her masculine tendencies. You're right, that makes her a very unique and interesting woman. And powerful! I mean, I also like feminine girls like Yukiko or girly ones like Rise, but Naoto sure has that spark to her. I see why she's so popular.
About the Vulnarable and her relationship to Souji - What you listed is exactly why I like this pairing so much. It makes sense to me, and it's something that goes more into the psyche. I think Souji is the special someone, she'd really need. They go so well together because of their personalities, it's a long process, but it's not forced. It feels true, somehow.
To be honest I just can't see her like this with Kanji. Not at all. *shh*
Haha, so true, so true. 
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Hmm wow so this is a fabled fanfiction written by a fanboy hmm? It’s romantic ^^=
I had always been operating under the assumption that fanfiction writers interested in romance were female.... now I must rethink my previous assumptions.
When Kharta said I was a writer able to give a critique.... he was lying. I’m not a good writer, I can’t tell an alliteration from an assonance without a dictionary. I can only really talk about one thing I saw. ‘He gently grabbed her chin and tilted her head up towards him’ in the part where Souji was seeing Naoto again, grab can be replaced with a softer verb, or maybe with something like ‘he ran a finger gently along her chin, tilting her head up towards him.’
.... and thats about all I can really say. Keep up the good work.
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Lol. "The fabled fanfiction written by a fanboy." And I'll have you know we fanboys can be every bit as romantic as you fangirls can, just as you fangirls can be avery bit a perverted as we are. Although, I do admit, I'm more likely to write an combat scene or a comedy scene than a romantic one.
So what if you're not so great a grammar? Just adding that one little suggestion has already helped! I hope you don't mind if I use that sentence exactly. *Sigh* I need more synonyms.
Anyway, thanks again! And don't sell yourself short!
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"Fangirls can be every bit as perverted" Haha I can attest to that! Cheers. Although I deny any involvement... I prefer writing action to over the top smut.
Why don't you get Kharta to illustrate your fic a titlepage to grab more views? That's what I'm doing. He doesn't have a life so I'm sure he'll be happy to do one.
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Well, I might, but if I do I'd like to pay him for it at least.
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Don't bother, he doesn't subscribe to "crass consumerism." Just use him as a work mule until he finally wisens up to the realities of the world. That's what I do.
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Cold. Well, it's true for some people there's only one way to learn.
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I liked it, it really is something new to see a marriage proposal fic. I recon it could have done better on fanfiction.net as it is made more specifically for the acommodation of fanfictions. I'm not a writer so I can't critique on the style or anything, all I can say is I liked it.
I'll link it to a writer friend of mine who's writing SxN fanfiction and get her to critique it for you instead.
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Hey, Tempest-Kiro made a suggestion and I was wondering if you might take me up on it. Maybe you could draw a title picture for this little drabble here? I'd be willing to pay for it... as soon as I figure out how to actually send you the money...
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Oh sure but no need to pay, I'm not good enough to be paid yet.
Also ignore TK's remarks. Its not that I don't conform to consumerism, I'm just realistic about the monetary worth of my skill.
Just tell me what scene you were hoping to have drawn. I may take a while though, since I'm in the middle of exams and have two pictures lined up to be finished off.
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I disagree about you not being good enough.
Anyway, I guess I would like your own interpretation of the scene where Naoto throws herself at the proposing Souji, with the ring and box still in view if possible. If you can't manage that pick any scene you want.
As for their appearances they'd both look pretty much the same with a few differences:
Souji has grown out a beard identical to that of his uncle and is also wearing small reading glasses. Naoto has let her hair grow slightly longer, but still short and still wearing her cap. I'm sure you'd be able to pick out some clothes that would suit their new adult lives.
I hope this is ok with you. I like giving people a lot of creative freedom. Anyway, I won't expect this for a while, but please don't forget ok?
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Ok, I think within a month I'll have a lined first draft up for you to scrutinise.
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Wow, a month? That's much sooner than I would've guessed. Ok, I'll keep my eyes out.
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Yeah, I guess it isn't that common huh? Most are teenage crush fics, not "old people" love or even early adulthood. Marriage and pregnancy always seem to happen offscreen.
Actually, I already have put it up on fanfiction.net. Although I it does get read, my stuff doesn't really seem to receive actual feedback from there, which is what I really need to improve. Anyway, thanks for linking her my fic. I appreciate it!
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Thanks! Anything you liked in particular or think I could work on?
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K then. Thanks all the same!
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