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Matthias’ P.O.V

________ was ignoring me.
That hurt. That hurt a lot.
I could feel myself scowling out of the ground floor window in P.E, not seeing the car park or anything else out there, all the while ignoring whatever it was whatshername was talking about.
Why would she ignore me? Something must have happened after I left her that night. I bet it was Arthur, I bet he’s said or done something to _____ that made her hate me.
I could feel my face screw up even tighter, that asshole, I’m going to have a word with him –
“Matthias?”
“Mmm?” I lazily murmured as teach called my name, disturbing my kingly angry musings.
“Matthias, care to answer the question?”
“Mmm…what? No. Sorry teacher.”

It had been four days after I kissed her. The morning after, when I called to her from across the hallway outside of class, she blatantly ignored me: just pushed on by with her wheelchair, not even giving me a second glance. It’s been like that for four days now and I’m tired of it. I’m getting to the bottom of this once and for all.

The bell finally rang and the class evacuated the building for the day. I still hadn’t stopped thinking about what could have happened.
I bet she told Arthur about the kiss and he’s threatened her in some way…
I came out of the front doors and started for my car at the back of the car park.
Told her that if she ever spoke to me again…he’d paralyze her other leg…
I felt the ground pass faster from under me as I headed for my car, picking up angry speed.
And that he’d tell everyone rumors about her if she didn’t stay faithful…
From the corner of my eye, I saw a small Union Jack waving from the top of a car antenna.
And she said yes because…because she needs her other leg.
Arthur got out of the car, and I felt my anger rise up another thousand notches.
Because I took away the other one…
I was on Arthur in a matter of moments: gripping the front of his jacket and pushing him up against the hood of the car, lifting his feet off the ground.
And now…I’ve got to protect her.

“Matthias, what the bloody hell are you doing!” Arthur yelled and pushed back at me, but I was stronger.
“What did you say to her! What did you say to ____?”
“I said nothing to her!”
“You’re lying! She’s been avoiding me for four days! You must have said or did something to her to keep her from seeing me!” I could feel the rage cause the veins in my neck to pop.
“What are you talking about? I haven’t said anything to her to keep her away!” Now Arthur struggled back onto his feet and was pushing equally hard against me. I was only just aware of the crowds stopping and staring, but I didn’t care.
“She must have told you, and you must have flipped out and told her to stay away from me. Well I won’t have it! She’s mine and you can’t stop her from seeing me!”
“Told me what?”
“That we kissed!”

And then it hit me over the head that perhaps Arthur was telling the truth, and that ______ hadn’t told him anything, and that maybe she was avoiding me of her own volition…because I had put her in an awkward place…because she was already dating Arthur…

And I’m ‘married’…

And now I had told Arthur the truth…

I breathed for the first time, and reality came rushing back. I slowly lowered the smaller man down to the ground, and the sound of whispering from the crowed reached my ears: a low hum, the spreading of gossip, and the worry of teachers who couldn’t get involved in student fights…
I looked around at the gawping crowd and felt my heart and stomach screw up as they landed on _____: her face the personification of horror.
She must not have told him…and I had gone and blown it. I made a move to go to her, to beg her to forgive me, but her hand shot up, palm out, telling me to not come closer. Even from this distance I could see her blink more rapidly as tears came to the corners of her eyes. She spun around and wheeled herself away.
I watched her until she vanished.
“You both kissed?” Arthur asked quietly from behind.
I turned, and looked him right in the eye, wanting to be the bigger man, “we did. But I initiated it; she had nothing to do with it.”
“I see,” he nodded slowly, “I think my girlfriend and I have something to discuss.”
“But not right now,” I turned from him back to where I last saw _____, “I think we had better leave her alone for a while.”
“Yes, that’s a smart idea.”

Reader P.O.V

You wheeled yourself away, as fast as your arms could power your chair.
You just had to get away; away from all of them.
Away from Arthur, away from Matthias, away from that college…just away!
You had known that ignoring Matthias was a bad idea from the start! You knew that he wouldn’t like it, and wouldn’t just accept it and stay quiet. But how could you go on like nothing had happened?
Because everything had changed with that one kiss.

Ever since the morning after, ever since you woke up in your bed – not knowing how you got there – four mornings ago, your mind had split evenly down the middle:
Is one kiss enough to leave a relationship that worked? Arthur was safe, and kind, and loving…but is that enough?
Do I love Arthur the way I love Matthias? Is the relationship with Arthur one that I feel could last for the rest of my life?
Yes…I believe it could…
But is it the one that you want? Are you staying with Arthur for the right reasons?
Matthias may have confessed to you, but he is still married…what impression does that make? That he’d kiss you while married…
Is that the sort of relationship you want? Would you be going with Matthias for the right reasons too?

You needed to clear your head, but being around either of them would only make it worse. So you had decided to ignore both of them, until you got your head straight.

It had pained you to ignore Matthias all those days; days that seemed like eternity, that made you afraid to venture out from where you knew you were safe; but your fear that he would not take kindly to being ignored became reality.
And now he’d done it!
That stupid…stupid….fucking Dane!
He’d ruined it!
And now you couldn’t face either of them.

You had sped yourself away, and down random streets and through quiet alleyways until you had reached a place you hadn’t been in years.
You wondered if they stilled did their strawberry milkshakes…
Now you sat in the café, at the back away from the wall to ceiling windows that looked out upon the street, and sipped on your large strawberry milkshake with scoops of strawberry ice cream and a frivolous pink umbrella. You had called your Mum and she was coming to collect you.

“What’s the matter sweetie?” Your Mum had been watching you from over her slice of cake as you stared off into the distance out of the windows. You turned your head slowly, a faraway look on your face.
“It’s not usual for you to be this quiet. And I can tell you’re upset, so what’s he done now?” She slid her fork through the tip of her cake, and it clanked against the plate as it passed through the cake with no difficulty.
“I…” you twirled your straw around your second milkshake glass, “what do you mean ‘what’s he done now’?”
“You always look this way when Matthias has done something stupid. Now tell. She popped the bite of cake into her mouth and munched happily.
“Well…I kissed Matthias. And I needed to clear my head because I don’t know what I want: Matthias or Arthur, and so I decided not seeing or speaking to either of them until I decided…but Matthias…well…he picked a fight with Arthur and went and blurted it out that we kissed…and now…”
Your mother sighed as you trailed off,
“You’re a fool, _____, for thinking that bullheaded boy would tolerate being ignored by you. Especially after he kissed you. A fool. But you are a fool in love, so it’s understandable why your IQ may not be so high right now.” She looked over at you, “the right course of action would have been to speak to both of them.”
“Yes, yes, I know! But I…”
“But...?” She looked up at you from cutting another piece off her slice.
“I just…I wasn’t thinking.” You looked down into your milkshake.
Your Mother sighed again and put her fork down, “I understand.”
“You do?” You glanced up at her.
“I do. Remember, I was your age once, and your father wasn’t the only man I’ve ever loved.” Now it was her turn to look faraway and wistful.
“Oh?” You perked up, interested.
“Yes…his name was Ludwig Beilschmidt, and he was beautiful: tall, blonde hair…a German expat…not as loud as Matthias but he was hardheaded and determined. He had lovely blue eyes...he was lovely. We were at college together, he was my first love.”
“What happened to him?”
“He moved back to Germany.”
“And?”
“And he asked me to come with him…I never went…as you can tell.” She came out of her daydream and lifted her coffee cup to her lips.
“Do you regret it?”
“If I had went I wouldn’t have met your father and had you…but I always wondered what would have happened if I had went.”
You looked back down into your shake and burst a few bubbles with the end of your straw,
“I…I think I know now…it’s time to grow a spine.”

Meet me outside my house in 20.
That’s what your text had read to Matthias, and now you waited out in the cool air just a little beyond your gate. Your street was quiet; the trees every three feet were just turning their shades with the season, and there was no one else out; just you and a load of parked cars.
You turned your head as you heard the sound of an engine, and smiled eagerly as Matthias’s red machine pulled up alongside you.
Your smile didn’t last as you saw the grim look on his face as he climbed out.
“Matt…” you wheeled yourself over to him as he mounted the pavement, “what’s the matter?”
He looked down at you, his face set in a serious look, “let’s take a walk, I have to tell you something,” and with that he glided around you, looking back to see if you were keeping up. Concerned with his change in demeanor, you pushed yourself forward. After you had gotten a few feet in silence, he finally cleared his throat and you looked up. He avoided your gaze, but carried on,
“You should know…you should be the first to know…that it’s over between myself and Jacqueline.”
This caused you to stop, agape.
“Wh…what you’re…getting a divorce?” This news should have thrilled you, but it was cancelled out by his mannerism.
“No…” Matthias had stopped a little way ahead of you, but didn’t turn.
“So…so…you’re estranging yourselves?”
“No.”
“I don’t understand.” You wheeled yourself up and round him, parking your chair in his way, “Matt, please tell me what’s wrong.”
“The only thing that’s wrong is what I have done. And now I must take steps to rectify it.” He avoided looking at you by tilting his head and peering into the tarmac of the road beside you.
“What did you do wrong? Matt please…” your voice cracked and you grabbed his hand, “Please Matt tell me. What did Jacqueline do? If you’re not divorcing her then how are you leaving her? Matt…” he pulled his hand out of your reassuring grip, and took a large step back.
“Promise me, if I tell you what it is, honestly, promise me that you won’t leave me?” he looked at you now, eyes hard and serious, but tinged with fear that dampened his usually bright eyes.
“I…I promise. I won’t leave you,” you wheeled yourself forward and grasped his hand again, too concerned with how he was acting to care what he could say, “now tell me.”
“Well I…” he lowered his head so that his blonde bangs covered his eyes, “I was never married to her…”

“AN ENTIRE YEAR!”
“I know _____ please-”
“You pretended to be married to her for a WHOLE YEAR!” You screamed. He winced and recoiled back like he had been bitten.
“Yes I-”
“All because you didn’t use a condom! All because both of you couldn’t man up and face the truth! Because you had no spine!”
“But _____-”
“But nothing! You can’t be serious! You broke my heart for an entire year because you couldn’t stand up and be an adult!” You angrily wheeled yourself towards the curb and down onto the road between two parked cars.
“You just stay the fuck there, I need to go across so I don’t leap out my chair and kill you!” You growled as you wheeled yourself – with a little difficulty – across the road and up onto the other side.
Looking back, Matthias stood helpless, looking destroyed.
“_____, please…” he tried softly, “please understand…I did it to protect her, because her parents would have kicked her out. I was doing it to help her. She had nowhere else to go if her parents disowned her…I was trying to be kind. I was trying to think and behave like you.”
You gripped the armrests of your chair as his reasoning sunk in. It was foolish, and misguided, and a completely inaccurate guess at what you would have done…but Matthias was not an evil person. You huffed and glared at him, nostrils flaring,
“I’m irate at you.” You managed civilly, if a little curt. He nodded in understanding.
“I appreciate that.”
“Why couldn’t you tell me? You could have told me!” You slapped a fist down onto your dead leg in anger.
“…Matthias, you mean so much to me…” there was a screeching noise off in the distance. You ignored it.
“I wanted to, but Jacqueline…she would make me not. It’s killed me not being able to tell you.”
“Do you know how painful it’s been, to think you were out of my reach forever? To think I’d never get to tell you how I feel?” There was the screeching sound again: tyres against tar. It was closer this time, maybe the next block along…
Matthias came forward into the middle of the empty road, “tell me…” he nearly whispered, “tell me how you feel ______.”
You felt tears come into your eyes and your heart soar as the words came tumbling into your mouth, ready to finally be said.
“Matthias…I-”

But it was aborted in the blink of an eye.

There were car alarms, and smoke. There were people coming out from their houses, and the sound of sirens streets away.

And there was Matthias, lying 40 feet away from you, body contorted like a discarded rag doll.

You vomited.

And then you where wheeling like you’d never thought possible. All the while your stomach churned and screamed, your body freezing but moving with the adrenaline summoned at seeing your man go flying, 15 feet in the air, and land with a sickening sound far away on the tarmac, so far from reach.

Tears came quickly, and you sobbed, your vision of his red shirted body blurred.

You didn’t dismount the pavement correctly and your chair capsized. You heard your parents calling your name as they dodged around the burning upturned car that had struck Matthias. But they were far away, and Matthias was the only thing that mattered.

You scrambled to undo your belt and tumbled onto the road, banging your head and sending searing pain across your brain, but that didn’t matter. You started dragging yourself by your hands along to where Matthias lay lifeless, not caring for the gravel or glass shards that cut your hands and stomach.

“Matthias!” Your voice was harsh, and screeching, “Matthias!”
Your face was soaking from tears, your head pounded from where it had been hit, and you could feel yourself shaking as the adrenaline kicked in. Supporting yourself on your one good leg, you turned Matthias onto his back.
Behind you, the upturned car that had rammed Matthias exploded into a great mass of flame.

“_________! __________!”
Your Mother was screaming for you as she made it, your father following soon after. They both grabbed you by the arms and lifted you away, but you clung onto Matthias’s shirt, screaming until they let you down and crouched around you to protect you from the flames.
“Oh God…oh God oh God oh GOD!” You wailed as an ocean of red seeped from somewhere and soaked his shirt a darker shade of red. You felt his hot blood stain your face and top as you lay atop of him, pressing your body to his.

“____, _____ there’s the ambulance. You must let go now. You have to let him go so they can take care of him.” It was your father, shaking your shoulders hard, prying you away from Matthias. You let him lift you as the paramedics swarmed him: a halo of blood framing his beautiful golden hair.

You were carried away from the site, sobbing uncontrollably for what must have been the death of everything you loved. A single paramedic speedily approached you.
And then it hit you: a slow throb deep within that built into white-hot searing pain.
“My leg! Oh fuck my leg!” You screamed hoarsely and clawed at your thigh as the pain spread. The paramedic ran for you now as your parents laid you down on the ground at a safe distance from the inferno.

“Hold her still, I’m going to inject.”
“With what?”
“Demerol. “

That was all you could make out before a stabbing pain right in the heart of your killer thigh pierced your consciousness; and like bursting a blister, all the pain drained away like poison.

You became drowsy, falling in and out of consciousness. The next you remember was being loaded into the back of an ambulance. Across the way, between two fire trucks that were handling the blaze, you could see another person with golden hair being loaded into another. You tried to reach out, but were too fatigued. The pain in your leg had subsided, but the Demerol had adverse effects: you felt not only drowsy, but weak also with a slowed heart rate, and your lungs struggling to intake air.

But you didn’t care…

You didn’t care about anything.