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ShutterbugShots — Decay by-nc-nd
Published: 2014-07-01 14:21:24 +0000 UTC; Views: 145; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description My heart decays -
It wilts against the news... you never told me.
How long?
I am undone.

Death is all too close.
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Comments: 3

Bahama-dreams [2014-07-02 07:31:47 +0000 UTC]

I feel the second and third lines can be combined into one line. I feel repeating the word news lessens the power of the piece. Overall I like the power emiting from very few words. 
So glad to see you here again. I've been missing you. 

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

ShutterbugShots In reply to Bahama-dreams [2014-07-02 10:57:13 +0000 UTC]

Updated, tell me what you think. And I love that you always push me to improve <3

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Bahama-dreams In reply to ShutterbugShots [2014-07-02 11:55:24 +0000 UTC]

I would take out 'the things' and see if you like it better. 
You've already said "the news" so those words are redundant and still break up one stanza into two.

I'm glad you like my nudging

👍: 0 ⏩: 0