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Simon-HackMaster — Red Dwarf Quotes
Published: 2006-09-05 22:36:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 12893; Favourites: 233; Downloads: 231
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These are some of my favorite Red Dwarf Quotes, I just thought i'd make this and submit it.[EDIT]
I fixed a little glitch that pointed out.
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Comments: 188
When did I say you couldn't?
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I rest my case *Puts a briefcase on the table*
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If you're not gonna take this seriously, don't talk to me
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Why should I take it seriously? All you have done is be offensive towards me
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Rimmer and Mr. Flibble are currently my desktop. Thanks for bringing back the memories!
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This is one of the most awesome things I've seen on this site.
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The Red Alert one is my absolute fav ever..
After seeing all the episodes several thouzand times each, and therefore having an anticipation of the jokes somehow makes them even funnier...
This is Great!
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Hahahaha love rimmer quotes. great art. made me smile : )
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I don't care how many times you see and hear these lines there always funny ^_^
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Wooo watched back to earth! Love all the quotes so funny!!
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Lister: My mate Peterson once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intilegance "Smart Shoes" they were called.
It was a neat Idea no matter how blind drunk you were they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Ozlow and woke up the next morning in Bermah you see the shoes got bored just going from his local to his flat, they wanted to see the world like you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them no matter who he sold them to they would show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out but they just kicked the door down you know {is this true-Rimmer}
yea last thing you heard they sortve robbed a car and drove it into a canal they couldnt steer you see {really?- Rimmer} yea Peterson was really really blown away about it, He went to see a priest and the priest told him he said, he said it was alright and the shoes were happy an all that, that the shoes had gone to heaven, you see, it turns out shoes have soles.
bit long but awesome all the same.
Talkie-toatser:
Would you like some toast?
Rimmer:
Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
Kryten:
Mr. Rimmer would be effectively... dead
The Cat:
Hey, things are looking up already.
Toaster: Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie, Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?
Lister: Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.
Toaster: How 'bout a muffin?
Lister: Or muffins. Or muffins. We don't like muffins around here. We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks.
Toaster: Aah, so you're a waffle man.
Holly: [her IQ has been increased to 12,000] Strike a light! I'm a genius again! I know everything! Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being-everything! Ask me a question, any question, and I'll answer it.
Talkie Toaster: Any question?
Holly: Yes.
Talkie Toaster: How to break the speed of light? How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics? Any question at all, truly anything and you will answer?
Holly: Yes.
Talkie Toaster: OK, here's my question: Would you like some toast?
Holly: No, thank you. Now ask me another.
Talkie Toaster: Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles?
Holly: I know everything there is to know about chaos theory and predicting weather cycles.
Talkie Toaster: Oh, very well. Here's my second question: Would you like a crumpet?
Holly: I'm a computer with an I.Q. of 12,000. You don't seem to understand; I know the meaning of the universe.
Talkie Toaster: That's not answering my question.
Holly: [irritated] No, I would not like a crumpet! Now ask me a sensible question, preferably one that isn't bread related.
Talkie Toaster: Very well. I have a third question. A sensible question. A question that will tax your new I.Q. to its very limits and stretch the sinews of you knowledge to bursting point.
Holly: This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?
Talkie Toaster: Certainly not. And I resent the implication that I'm a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed electrical appliance.
Holly: I apologise, toaster. What's the question?
Talkie Toaster: The question is this: Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite... would you like a toasted teacake?
Holly: That's another bready question.
Talkie Toaster: It's not just bready. It's quite curranty, too
The Cat: Why don't we just break out the lasers?
Kryten: An excellent plan, sir, with only two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers; and two, we don't have any lasers.
The Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A *white* hole?
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: So, that thing's spewing time...
Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat] ... back into the Universe?
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
The Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A *white* hole?
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: [minus the hat] So, that thing's spewing time...
Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat, again] ... back into the Universe?
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
Lister: What time phenomena?
Kryten: Like just then, when time repeated itself.
The Cat: So, what is it?
[Kryten, Rimmer, and Lister stare at Cat]
The Cat: Only joking.
sorry I just adore Red Dwarf,
Wold you mind if I made one similar to this if I credit ye to the idea?
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I love Red Dwarf, I've seen it so many times that I can quote ever episode from memory and I still find it funny.
Hve you heard about the new episodes that will be on Dave during easter weekend!
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hehe
i love this show, i'm watching it right now actually
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Awesome!
One of my favourites was something like this
(lister and cat are playing scrabble)
cat:ha ha got you know!
lister:jovinski that's not even a word!
cat: yes it is!it's a cat word, and that's not how you
pronounce it! it's jovinski (he says it differently)
lister:is it in the dictionary?
cat:well it could be, if your reading it in the nude and you close the book to quick!
yeah it was something like that XD
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Oh yeah, haha! You're readin' in the nude and close the book too fast. Jovinski!
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hehehe I love that one! 
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Excellent collection! Love Red Dwarf. I wish that movie had been made ... but they wanted to replace the actors, and that wouldn't do. No one would work as well as that lot.
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Yeah, I'd sooner want them to not make the movie rather than replace the actors. If they want to be unreasonable and demand something like that, it'd be better to let it rest in peace as a great show instead of it dying as a ruined movie.
Long live Red Dwarf
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I just came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle!
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My favourite show of all time. My favorite quote was always:
KRYTEN: Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive.
RIMMER: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
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Yez, huhu. Relish the awesomeness of Red Dwarf
(haha, relish XD)
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Haha! This is an awesome show, started watching the episodes they are now playing even though it's before my time I still enjoy it hehe funny as this show, and good selection of quotes I must say
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Thanks ^^
I've been a fan of this show for years. I've probably seen every episode at least 20 times, but I still laugh at them
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Every time I read these, I still laugh
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okily dokily.
*pays homage to Listers intelligent toaster*
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lol "did someone say they wanted toast?"
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Ah, but you should be thanking Red Dwarf
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OMG i love it! I watched like all of Red Dwarf the other day!
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Red Dwarf was such a great TV series... I hope they don't end up replacing the actors for the movie. It just wouldn't be the same without them.
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yeah it would really spoil it. Ive met every single one of the "dwarfers" execpt for obviously the rest of the crew. THEY ROCK!!!!
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My god, now I'm jealous! 
The closest I've ever gotten to meeting any celebrities was when my mom met Ryan Stiles in Vancouver. But I wasn't there with her >.>
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hehe! They really rock! Lister and Cat are the best!
And both Craig Charles and Daniel John-Jules are really nice!
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Lister - Cat?
Cat - Hmmm?
Lister - You ever see "The Flintstones"?
Cat - Sure.
Lister - D'you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat - Wilma Flintstone?
Lister - Maybe we've been along in deep space too long, but every time I see that show her body drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat - I think, in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
Lister - That's good; I thought I was going strange.
Cat - She's incredible.
Lister - What d'you think of Betty?
Cat - Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
Lister - This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat - You're right, we're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister - She'll never leave Fred and we know it
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