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Published: 2007-04-30 06:00:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 472; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 13
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Description
landed a kiss on her neckfelt the fine hair recoil, stiffen;
a response to my touch
or to my halitosis
which is why I avoid kissing her lips...
the proximity to the nose is too dangerous
this early in the adventure.
planted one a little further down
on her chest, where she keeps her heart.
the quickened palpatations were telling--
each beat egging on my continuing explorations
here, rested for a moment on her sternum
panic catches up.Β Β Where do I go now?
flanked by her breasts, starboard and port,
southward lies uncharted seas;
to the north, the face and all the senses housed there.
whichever way I navigate
I fear I'm steering wildly and have plotted the wrong course.
as I make my move, pressing through my doubt,
I hope she knows the saying
"it's not the destination, it's the journey."
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Comments: 26
Seems like you've already done all the changes needed. But I'll see if I can find some way to improve on it.
Really like this one. Sweet and fun. And, pardon me, a lot easier to "understand" and connect to than some of your more recent poems. Maybe that's because I'm an ignorant fool, or maybe because this poem is closer to my personal experiences.
Anyhow, short in short: A good one!
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Thanks for the comments. I've decided I need to fool around with the last couple of lines, but other than that, I'm pretty happy with this poem now.
As far as some of my newer stuff... I appreciate you saying that. I'm always trying new things, and a couple of the newer ones have been typed and posted without me really going back over and revising things. Revision is such an important part of poetry, but sometimes I get impatient and just want to post something. Know what I mean?
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Yeah, I think I do. Revision is something I need to get better at, since I usually either: 1. Forget about the thing I've written as soon as I've written and/or posted it and hurry on to the next thing. or: 2. It's been such a frustrating thing to write that I don't want to see it again. At least not too soon.
Hope you get what I mean.
As for impatient it might just be that I need to reread your recent poems and think a bit more about them. I should not be so quick to hand out feedback sometimes. I'll do that and come back to you with my findings, if I find anything.
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No worries. And I do get what you mean, very much.
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That's a fine suggestion. I'll take it under consideration!
Thank you, kindly.
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It makes me think of all awkward moments. Cute and funny
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Beautiful. Lovely last line. I loved, 'on her chest, where she keeps her heart'. How can you make it better? Um...
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Thanks. I think i've grown a little more contented with this poem. But there's always room for improvement, right? right.
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Many many thanks
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and here you are AGAIN. . . .
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pardon any ignorance of poetry.. but the starboard and port might flow nicely with the sentence reversed.. making a more natural flow of his own thought dialog? (and maintaining your nice wording)
panic catches up. Where do I go now?
starboard and port, flanked by her breasts,
southward lies uncharted seas;
please don't change it on my thoughts alone.
I can't help but think.. "Quarterback with the ball.. he ducks left.. blocked!.. doubles back to the right.. blocked again!.." ..and of course then the delayed, awkwardly anticipated tackle..
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Oh, I like that! That's a great suggestion... that does really add to the narrative flow, doesn't it?
Thanks for the good idea... I'll take it into advisement!
"As the quarterback rises from the turf, he begins to dust himself off. It's at that moment he notices his normally white jersey has a chalky crimson red hue to it. He next notices the elated celebrations of the opposing team. He had been sacked in the endzone. It was a safety."
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glad you agree! lol
nice work.
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I think this is my favorite of yours so far.
The only thing I would change is "neckhair" in the second line, it sounds too hard after having "neck" in the first line.
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you're right. too much "necking."
I adjusted it accordingly. thanks for the input!
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i love this poem. and the title is perfect.
it makes you think innocence, but, alas... what lies ahead
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thanks, that's kinda what I was going for... a sort of innocent and naive sort of thing. And you're right, the title is growing on me...
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I don't think you can. I really like this; don't change a thing, man.
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thanks... but I'm still not sure on the title... and I guess I'm not sure if the nautical terms work in the last stanza. they seem to come outta nowhere. But... I like them in there... so I'm not sure what to do...
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The nautical terms work perfectly; I'm not sure why, because as you said, they come out of nowhere, but they just kind of flow well with the rest of the piece.
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