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smallfrie — helpless
Published: 2003-11-05 18:31:19 +0000 UTC; Views: 118; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 17
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Description
HelplessAs she walks away
with her back turned on the world
Her heart beats fast
wonerding what she will do
Her pulse in time
with the sound of her pain filled tears
Hitting the unforgiving Earth
As she fades away
with her head low on her breast
She asks for help
in a world that can never understand her
A beautiful being
inside a ruthless ugly existance
As she walks away with her back turned on the world
Doug Shell
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Comments: 20
I don't like the repetion of "As she walks away with her back turned on the world"
I like the imagery in this
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thx for the comment . Me likes
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As requested, here is what I see in proofreading:
Spelling errors:
"wonerding what she will do"
should be: wondering
"inside a ruthless ugly existance"
should be: existence
Punctuation: Now, some people choose to have no punctuation in their poetry, that's your choice and looks like that was your purpose. But sometimes punctuation helps with the flow, giving starting and stopping points. If you want me to suggest punctuation, just let me know.
There's a few run on/fragmented sentences that aren't very clear for me:
"Her pulse in time
with the sound of her pain filled tears
Hitting the unforgiving Earth"
Her pulse in time, with the sound of her pain-filled tears hitting the unforgiving Earth..... (does what? is what?)
"As she fades away
with her head low on her breast"
As you've started the next line with a capital letter, I'm gonna assume you moved on and this was a complete thought, but it's fragmented... As she fades away (what happens?)
This is something punctuation helps with of course, but again that's up to you. I'd suggest if you want to maintain the no punctuation, that you make the next two lines part of these two lines and make it one complete thought, which would be accomplished by removing the upper case "S" in "she".
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Cool stuff, good writing. Very dark and somber. You have sort of a "tableau" moment here. Good lines "her pulse in time" and tears "hitting the unforgiving earth." This kind of language just sort of suspends the reader in a dark moment. I like it a lot. There are a few grammatical errors that bug me (I'm an English major so I can't help that) but clean those up and it's good stuff!
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if you could let me in on the gramatical errors i know it will probabley destory the rhyme sceme but i want to know whats wrong
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Did I say "grammatical?" I meant spelling errors. Just a couple here and there, shouldn't be hard to clean up.
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okay because ive emails this to lke four lit. teachers at my high school and none of them found gramatical errors but ill be resubmiting it soon with proper spelling
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you have the most in depth comments thank you very much
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Pretty darn good for a new poet. Watch those typos-it doesn't take long to look over a poem. It's a great concept, and you convey emotion well. I think it could be better with some more description, though. Good work!
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this comment was realy helpfull enven those shes helpless lol
i have a
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Besides some mechanical errors, I think it was very good for a first. Keep it up, I'd love to read more from you.
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thank you i hope to hear from you in the future
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very well done... great writing.. very well layed out...
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thank you i good nothing but good review on this poem this is a real boost of confidnce witch is hard to come by right now
i have a
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It's not bad
I noticed a typo : "inside a ruthless ugly existance" existence
Hope to see more from you
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