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Spinewinder — Silence.
Published: 2009-10-23 00:16:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 1633; Favourites: 33; Downloads: 0
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Description
My first poetry submission, hope you like it.Related content
Comments: 45
very nice, i especially like "motionless moments"
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Thank you I appreciate it
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Compared to "Never", you utilized the use of imagery much more and also portrayed the message of silence well. In addition you incorporated a couple metaphors as well which made the poem much deeper, complex, and emotional.
The only thing that I would suggest, keeping everything else static, is to try to create even more imagery with your word choice. You've done it here, but you definitely have more potential to push it much more.
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hey, thank you again for taking the time here. I get what you are saying but have to admit im a little confused by the "keeping everything else static" point you made. Im not sure what you mean 
Thanks again
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keeping everything static meaning, leaving everything else the same.
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Excellent poem for your first try. Can't wait to see more from you...
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Aww thanks, im glad you like it
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I did, you sure have a talent for this...
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Hey thanks friend, that means a lot
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really great work you did here ^^
I love it
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I really like this a lot.
I like the idea of synapses because I love psychology and that word has been drilled in my head.
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Hey thanks im glad you like it
Yeah synapses seemed to be the right word
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Cheers, glad you like it
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Ah, the darkness... I love using darkness as a metaphor; the endless searching for love, for light, for a release from madness. The piece has great flow and nice rhyme too. Very well written. You might want to make one small change though. Your spelling of "Frantically" is incorrect.
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Thanks, yeah Darkness is a great metaphor for all sorts. Glad you like it.
Thanks for pointing out the spelling, its never been my strong point, I used a spell-check but it didn't pick it up. Strange I looked at some online dictionarys and some do include both ways of spelling it, but one of them just had the way you have, I'm sure yours is correct and will change my work and repost. Thanks for pointing it out and for your kind comments
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I don't like that kind of silence...
Beautiful job on this though
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thankyou, and no its not the most pleasant, cheers for the comment
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This was a fairly well-written poem with an impressive impact that really matched the theme of the poem. It's not often a poem manages to do that! I also liked the abstract surreal flow of the poem, it demands the poem to be whispered, not merely said, aloud.
The first stanza is very beautiful, and I don't see much that could be editted. The second stanza, however, has some scope for improvement. It's your choice as the poet, but I thought the "sweat of the brow" might sound better if it were "sweat off the brow." More importantly, though, is the last line, which doesn't fit the flow of the poem and jarrs it a little bit. The idea is good, but it needs to be rephrased so that it sounds more "poetic," if you see what I mean.
Uptil the third stanza, your rhyme scheme isn't too much of a problem, but I honestly feel that from this point onwards, the abac scheme is constraining the flow of your writing. Which is probably why your third stanza suffers a little bit. It's not bad, but it could be better.
The fourth stanza has an amazing feel to it. But I think the word "discourse" isn't really the "right" word to put here. It seems out of place.
I absolutely adore your last stanza, it's a gorgeous conclusion. Just a little note, you might want to write "standstill," which is also a word, instead of "stand still."
Overall, as per the formal critique module, I would give this piece four stars for impact, three for originality, four for vision and three and a half for technique. I suppose that levels out to around three and a half to four stars as your overall rating.
Hope this helped!
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Hey thanks for your detailed reply, I really appreciate it
Im kinda new to writing poetry, I have written a fair bit but more for song lyrics so I arent really familiar with the different forms yet and didnt even know the term abac. I just wrote how I wrote if that makes sense. I understand your point though and realise that it is quite structured and regimented and how more expression could be added with more free flowing poetry. It doesn't really come naturally to me though I kind of like the structure and trying to fit the words into it, I also like the rhythm it brings.
As for the other points you made I agree with a lot you have said and don't with some other points, but weather I agree or not is irrelevant, what is important is that I have your opinion and take on board the points you have made, which I have. I really appreciate the time you put into this detailed crit. Thanks
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That's really a great approach to take to critique on art...art is so very subjective! I'm glad you both agree and disagree with me at different points, it shows you're a writer
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Wow, I really love the way you've written this poem. I write poetry too. It is interesting way of express ourselves isn't?
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Hey thanks, glad you like it
Yeah it is a good way to express things, I like the way different people can take different things from the same words too, thanks for your comment
loving your avatar btw
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I have only, within the last year or so, got into poetry. As I went on school trip to see the poets read their poetry- it was really eye opening. I love getting comments too. Thanks, your avatar is kinda scary.
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I kinda wrote but for song lyrics more than poetry, they are sort of interchangeable I guess, will be doing more just as poetry now though I think
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Great imagery and wording, I really like the flow of the piece too... Great piece
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Thank you, Im glad you enjoyed it, thanks for commenting appreciate it
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Hey, thanks glad you liked it, appreciate the comment
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well done, best poetry i have read for a long time.
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Cheers mate appreciate it, Im quite proud of it.
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You should be its a good poem, keep em coming mate.
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