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Published: 2015-08-19 20:48:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 4379; Favourites: 47; Downloads: 0
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Lauren struggled to open her eyes, the lids heavy, the light in the room blinding. What time is it? It was evening when–"You're awake, good"
Darren. They were having dinner when she–
"The sedative will wear off shortly, you'll be a bit groggy, and the epidural will make it impossible for you to move, but try not to be alarmed."
She forced her eyes open, blinked as they teared against the bright light of the room. Darren stood facing her, stripped to the waist, one hand cradling the other elbow, idly stroking his chin with his free hand.
"The van I brought you here in is radio opaque, and this entire building is wired such that we're untraceable. I don't expect company."
He moved to a chair opposite, still watching her. On the table beside him she could make out an array of tools, and a camera on a long articulated arm, which he pulled and pointed at his midsection while he continued to talk.
"It's entirely possible that you don't know why you're here, and if that's the case, I will be happy to apologize, but I've a nagging suspicion that you do, in which case – well – we'll get to that later."
She could see clearly now, a flat screen on the table beside him flared to life, displaying a high definition view of his lower right abdomen, each individual muscle clearly defined, sweat glistening on the olive-coloured, tightly stretched skin.
"You won't remember," he continued, "around my nineteenth birthday when my appendix ruptured. Messy business, rushed to the ER. Doctor went in through my stomach with what I can only assume was an axe, judging by the scar he left behind. Hurt to do anything for months while it healed. Sneezing, oh my god sneezing was exquisitely excruciating."
He doused a cotton swab with dark brown fluid and scrubbed his right flank.
"Three years ago my body rejected the stitches they'd used, presumably they were supposed to dissolve, but they didn't, and eventually my body took notice and an abscess formed around them. Messier still than the first round, rushed back into the ER, and another Doctor went back through the same scar tissue with, I'm guessing, a saws-all this time and cleaned everything out."
He picked up a scalpel from the table, and paused, making deliberate eye contact.
"I'm pretty sure that's when they put it in."
She flinched and looked away, there was something about his eyes, a cold clarity that she wasn't used to that frightened her more than the fact that he'd apparently kidnapped her and stuck a drip line into her spine.
"One summer as a teenager I spent a day out at the beach, it was overcast and I didn't think about the sun but I burnt to a crisp. Do you notice the tan I've got now? Don't you think it odd that my delicate white skin has become so resilient to UV rays? Last week I was at my barber and he complemented me on my hair replacement program, wondered who I used because he'd never seen a bald patch grow back in so quickly and completely."
Still fingering the scalpel, he retrieved a number of gauze pads on their opened sterile wrappers and laid them on his lap.
"I can hear things far beyond what's natural, and I can feel things with a depth and fidelity that I've never known before. I can feel this," he waved the blade around his abdomen, "this foreign body in me, feel the virus it controls coursing through my veins. I can sense when they change its instructions and feel the ripple through my body, the newly versioned cells overtaking the obsolete ones as they die off and my entire being upgrades."
"Have you noticed, the scar on my stomach?" He stretched pulling the camera closer and panning across the smooth flesh, devoid of any imperfections. "You never commented that it had gone, but you must have noticed. Didn't that seem strange to you?"
Lauren studied him then, there was no doubt he was not quite the same man she'd first been introduced to, he was better in so many subtle ways, like a Darren that had been iterated over in design relentlessly.
"What do you want from me?" She sounded braver than she felt.
"Well, first I'm going to carve out whatever device they've buried inside of me, and I expect I should heal back up with alarming rapidity, and then we're going to determine whether the virus they infected me with is contagious, or if you're an observer, or perhaps this is just a double blind study and you truly don't know anything about it."
Lauren flinched. "What do you mean?"
Darren drew the scalpel across his stomach, blood welling out around the wound.
"Someone's been following me, that much I know, and I'm curious, for example, how when I met you, you were blind as a bat, and yet you've been able to pay such close attention to what I'm doing when your glasses are right here on my table."
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Comments: 40
Jessebz [2015-09-07 09:11:24 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
the suspense build up is incredible. I felt as though someone was knitting a stone in my chest, getting larger and heavier with every paragraph. correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume there was a purposeful build up of ominous elements:
the fact she's kidnapped; the statement that she won't be found; the "tools" (which at that point sound like implements of torture); and Darren's unfathomable story.
all these leave me almost convinced that he's some sadistic psychopath. I could see only one outcome: he would snarlingly say that she was the doctor who caused him that much pain.
but as the story approached it's end, I feel that the tension lessened dramatically. if that was the desired affect, then please, pay no heed to the rest, but if it was not, allow me to point to the things that stopped me seeing Darren as a threat.
1. "a cold clarity." that doesn't seem to fit with what looked like a deliberate build up to making me think he's a psychopath. still, I (the reader) can still see him as a very stable sadist, but as we're presented with further rationalization, this becomes less plausible.
2. by the end, I can conclude that he's being used or chased by others and I can also feel quite certain that he doesn't mean to kill her.
this was an incredible piece, built with subtly, but I think it could have been even better if I was left with ambivalence as to Darren's intention.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SRSmith In reply to Jessebz [2015-09-07 20:35:00 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much, I'm glad you enjoyed this, and I very much appreciate your detailed feedback!
They were having dinner before this scene, presumably they were in a somewhat serious relationship before his trust issues developed. I expect that he wants her to be just collateral damage from whatever experiment he's been subjected to, and he's considering the possibility that the virus he's infected with was transferred to her, but again - he has acutely developed trust issues.
The build and release of tension is deliberate - we're not to know what he's up to because she doesn't know what he's up to, and we're not even sure what she does know, even at the end. She was 'introduced' to him, so was that an acquaintance setting them up, or was she placed in his way in order to monitor him? She's not mentioned his missing scar, which would be obvious if they were in an intimate relationship, so was she not surprised by that, or was she genuinely oblivious? At the end, we may be just as surprised as she is that she no longer needs her glasses, or maybe she's not surprised at all.
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cysmano [2015-09-13 03:46:27 +0000 UTC]
Very well written, and a huge "thank you!" for introducing me to flash fiction! And congratulations on your daily deviation!
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SRSmith In reply to cysmano [2015-09-13 18:01:42 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much for a wonderful comment and , and I hope you enjoy flash fiction as much as I have grown to!
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canoncommunity [2015-09-12 03:04:28 +0000 UTC]
We enjoyed your story and would be honored if you considered becoming part of the Canon Cosmos community by submitting a story. You can find out more at our website: canoncosmos.weebly.com/
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SRSmith In reply to canoncommunity [2015-09-12 04:32:04 +0000 UTC]
Thank you, I appreciate your kind offer however I don't have any additional bandwidth to allocate to another project at this time. It looks like quite the endeavour, and I wish you the all the best!
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ShadowWorldRed [2015-09-08 17:47:43 +0000 UTC]
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this work, and I always appreciate writing which wakes me to the fact that I should be paying close attention to every detail. Unwritten implications challenge me to think around corners, and I actually enjoy being surprised when my sense of the direction is off a bit. I read this again right away in appreciation of it, and to set a few details in my mind.
I'll have to try this flash fiction myself, but before I do I'll be reading more of it, beginning with your own gallery. You've gained an eager watcher! Congratulations on receiving a DD!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SRSmith In reply to ShadowWorldRed [2015-09-08 19:36:50 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much, for the watch and the , and the fantastic comment!
I've come to love the flash fiction format, and I'd encourage you to give it a whirl!
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OriiPrincess [2015-09-07 07:35:33 +0000 UTC]
Nice!!! I think I'm in love with flash stories now!!!
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SRSmith In reply to OriiPrincess [2015-09-07 19:15:19 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I'm a huge, albeit biased fan of the flash fiction format!
I'm glad you liked it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
C-A-Harland [2015-09-07 04:28:56 +0000 UTC]
Oh this is good. I love the build of tension as you aren't quite sure if Darren is right or crazy...or both. And that final line is just brilliant, throwing everything the reader thinks they know into question.
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SRSmith In reply to C-A-Harland [2015-09-07 06:27:24 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much! I'm glad it kept you guessing!
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ArynChris In reply to SRSmith [2015-09-07 19:29:04 +0000 UTC]
Only a little. I'd think the bit at the end is somewhat reassuring-- she has already thought to herself that Darren is "better" in some ways, so she's clearly not adverse to a little gene therapy, and while the implication that it's already happened to her is frightening (because she had no idea, and it wasn't under her control), it offers hope that she's going to survive whatever wound he's going to inflict on her after himself. Where there's life, there's hope, as the saying goes. In her case, hope of escape and/or rescue.
And hey, if it's escape, she won't have to worry about breaking or losing her glasses while she run-stumbles away! Drugs make you clumsy, you know, so that would be a legitimate concern.
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SRSmith In reply to ArynChris [2015-09-07 20:10:33 +0000 UTC]
The outcome depends on whether he determines that she's complicit in what's been done to him, or just another unwilling subject in someone's experiment. They were having dinner before this all started, so presumably there was a relationship there. It remains to be seen what beyond her sight has been amped up, and how she feels about being drugged and kidnapped. Trust issues can become complicated!
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ArynChris In reply to SRSmith [2015-09-07 22:12:58 +0000 UTC]
Well, he remarked that she hadn't remarked on his fading abdomen scars, and with the whole theme of infection, that implies that she's been intimate with him... In her position, this is all rather sudden, and she's been the girlfriend of a madman-- even if he's right about everything he's saying. He's gone to an extreme. He doesn't trust her. She was clearly wrong to trust him. So, no matter how she felt about him before, and no matter how much of that feeling lingers after this, the trauma's going to have an even bigger impact.
I'm an optimist. I think she's going to escape, either because he decides she's innocent and loosens the trap (which would honestly surprise me, given his level of paranoia) or because he makes a mistake. Tough to say what such a mistake would be, but if you don't plan to continue the story, I'm going to imagine that it's his imminent self-surgery-- that he won't heal fast enough to survive it, or that he won't heal faster than she metabolizes the epidural. Especially that latter, because it means she has to escape her bonds AND run-stumble away while he's still alive, and he continues to be a threat to her! A threat while she's escaping, and a threat later, because he might come after her-- or tell someone about her. I dunno, it's that or this being a dark, secret origin story. I like speculating.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SRSmith In reply to ArynChris [2015-09-07 23:11:16 +0000 UTC]
If she doesn't know what's going on, he's just alienated the only person he may have been able to trust. If she does know what's going on, she's going to be a heap of trouble when she gets control of the situation. If she's infected through intimate contact, she got a dose of the virus engineered to do whatever specific things his virus was set for at that iteration, and that's going to provide very specific benefits, not the sum total of everything he's been modified with. If she's actually in the program, then it's possible that she's already metabolized the drugs, and she's simply watching and waiting for an opportune moment to engage.
So many questions...
I like to see you speculate!
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SRSmith In reply to LindArtz [2015-09-06 23:59:51 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much, and for collecting this too!
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SRSmith In reply to Lintu47 [2015-09-06 19:51:21 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! It was a very nice surprise!
You have a nice day too!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
xlntwtch [2015-09-06 07:22:20 +0000 UTC]
You "exercised the muscles" extremely well. This is a great story. Congrats on the DD! The suspense built so nicely. Incredible.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SRSmith In reply to xlntwtch [2015-09-06 19:53:12 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much, both for the comment and the ! I'm glad you enjoyed it! The DD was a nice surprise!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Rafellin [2015-08-24 11:57:55 +0000 UTC]
A fine capture of the beautiful, urbane madness of classic sci-fi horror. Well done.
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SRSmith In reply to Rafellin [2015-08-24 14:18:48 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much! I do enjoy horrifying a little urbane madness!
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ikazon [2015-08-21 06:07:20 +0000 UTC]
Oh yes. This is the prowess in story crafting I've come to associate with you over the years. I think some of the wording could be cleaned up (first sentence you've got "struggles", might mean "struggled" since the rest is past tense?), but this is exactly the sort of story I want to know more about, want to read more of.
Really well done, here.
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SRSmith In reply to ikazon [2015-08-21 15:47:20 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much, both for the feedback and the ! I've gone through and made some minor language corrections, including 'struggles/struggled'. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, and I'm glad you liked it!
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CalleighBlack [2015-08-19 21:01:11 +0000 UTC]
*does the happy dance* Much like with my feelings on Chet Zar's work, I should find this sort of thing disturbing, but it just makes me happy.
EDIT: Why would anyone want to be rid of it? Bring it on baby. If these....things made me perfect, I'd be all in. Awful but true.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SRSmith In reply to CalleighBlack [2015-08-19 21:18:44 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I think he's fine with the virus, but the device that someone's using to program the virus without his input is causing him concern. Who's to say what they'll do when they're done with his field trials? Turn off his blood cells' ability to clot?
I think he's happy with whatever abilities he's got right now, and he wants to take control while he still can.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
CalleighBlack In reply to SRSmith [2015-08-19 21:25:26 +0000 UTC]
True. Or maybe they're like the nanos from the Argeneau series and make you immortal?
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