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Local Boy Misuses Alien Technology

By Pat Hand

GOTHENBURG, Nebraska -- Local farmboy Billy Hatchet just can’t seem to stay out of trouble these days.

Early Monday morning, he was expelled from White Elementary School where he attended fifth grade, after a coach caught him “smoking doobies” and “showing his goober to passerby”.

Upon leaving the school, Billy walked two blocks to the Elk’s Club where he climbed up on the roof, apparently looking for a nine-millimeter pistol that he had stolen and hid up there a few days earlier.

What Billy found instead was a fully-armed flying saucer, with the keys in the ignition.

“Who the hell in this town is a god damned alien?” Sheriff Patty Groover wanted to know. “Everyone in the Elk’s Club is being detained for questioning as of right now.”

Moments after takeoff, Billy was making low-altitude strafing runs up and down Main Street, picking off local citizens one by one. When it was all over, thirty-six people were dead in the street, and another forty-eight were seriously injured.

“It was like shooting fish in a barrel,” Mayor Poot Nicely mused. “Alien technology against a bunch of inbred, ignorant, slow-moving old yokels. Woo! What a mess.”

“Damndest thing I ever seen,” a local resident reported. “He kept a-shootin’ people with that ray gun of his, and all I could do was set there in my rockin’ chair watchin’ and thinkin’ ‘bout how that was just the coolest thing I ever did see, so long as he didn’t shoot me and my Paw.”

Billy is in local custody awaiting the arrival of Federal investigators, who will probably torture him and drop him from a black, unmarked helicopter into a forest fire.

Description
Local Boy Misuses Alien Technology

By Pat Hand

GOTHENBURG, Nebraska -- Local farmboy Billy Hatchet just can’t seem to stay out of trouble these days.

Early Monday morning, he was expelled from White Elementary School where he attended fifth grade, after a coach caught him “smoking doobies” and “showing his goober to passerby”.

Upon leaving the school, Billy walked two blocks to the Elk’s Club where he climbed up on the roof, apparently looking for a nine-millimeter pistol that he had stolen and hid up there a few days earlier.

What Billy found instead was a fully-armed flying saucer, with the keys in the ignition.

“Who the hell in this town is a god damned alien?” Sheriff Patty Groover wanted to know. “Everyone in the Elk’s Club is being detained for questioning as of right now.”

Moments after takeoff, Billy was making low-altitude strafing runs up and down Main Street, picking off local citizens one by one. When it was all over, thirty-six people were dead in the street, and another forty-eight were seriously injured.

“It was like shooting fish in a barrel,” Mayor Poot Nicely mused. “Alien technology against a bunch of inbred, ignorant, slow-moving old yokels. Woo! What a mess.”

“Damndest thing I ever seen,” a local resident reported. “He kept a-shootin’ people with that ray gun of his, and all I could do was set there in my rockin’ chair watchin’ and thinkin’ ‘bout how that was just the coolest thing I ever did see, so long as he didn’t shoot me and my Paw.”

Billy is in local custody awaiting the arrival of Federal investigators, who will probably torture him and drop him from a black, unmarked helicopter into a forest fire.