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Storytime
Published: 2003-03-09 17:15:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 2987; Favourites: 72; Downloads: 411
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Description
.Scalding bathes for Lolita
shake her body up.
And arsenic drinks,
the coroner thinks,
were responsible for the scars.
Now little mother spanish
and stoic papa cry.
Mourning and lamenting,
sister Nola dies -
of suicide, they say.
Two children in a day.
Another wake, funeral cake,
now everyone\'s asking why.
A week goes by
and Lorelai, their sitter in arrears,
confesses all:
\"When those children called
I wished that they would die!
So I bathed the youngest quiet,
after tepid poisoned tea,
and strung her sister,
Nola Whistler,
up on the willow tree.\"
.
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Comments: 49
oohhh! That was wickedly delightful. 
Anywho, I'm glad that I had the chance to read this. Interesting to the very end. ^_~
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i love how the style contrasts with the meaning...very nice!
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By the way, to add to what others have said, you did an excellent job at getting the piece to ryhme without making it seem claustrophobic[Please correct me if I spelled that wrong].
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It's good, but isn't quite my style so I wont sit here and praise it. But that is quite alright considering the difference between this and what I write.
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I'm not quite sure I like it. Not quite sure why, it just doesn't seem amazingly well done, I've seen many rahter similiar. Congrats on the DD, though.
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such clear, precise narrative. rhyme and rhythm is divine.
i'm a little confused by the /'s.
was that a glitch or something?
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Very nice poem. I liked the flow a lot, which made it easy to read. And the rhymes were very good.
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its memorable like the ring around the rosy song. very very well done.
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haha.. that has such a creepy ending.. I love it!! very unexpected
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This piece is fantastic! I can't help but say it in a sing-song voice over and over.
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I love the way you pulled this off
Good job!
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be proud that you just pulled off such an innocent feel and rhythym...
with a sinister twist at the end...
tis remarkable
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This was a truly amazing poem. It has to one of the best I've seen, definitely one that goes to the heart and drags you in. Bravo!
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Well, one more DD comment.
While this style of poem is not the type I would read for pleasure, I do have to say that- barring a few errors in spelling that I seem to think exist- this is a wonderfully morbid poem. It reminds me a lot of poetry one would find "Through the Looking Glass" on a bad day. It is wonderfully dark.
In this genre, I do not find a lot worth re-reading. While your poem is noteworthy, and an excellent showpiece, I do hope that it only gets better for you. This poem may be good, but as time goes on, we will want better. So continue to improve.
I do hope that this day finds you well.
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Oh, I really love this... read it over and over again.
It has a great flow and I love the contrast between the
somewhat "simple" rhyme scheme and the morbid content,
which is very cruel but funny at the same time ^^.
The last few (spoken) lines are my favourite ones
I usually don't even read poetry DDs because they're mostly
not the kind of poetry I like but this one's different and I'm
glad that I decided to click that link ^^...
And I usually don't fav DDs as well because I think it's boring
to fav stuff that already gets so much attention. Once again, this
is an exception
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Scalding bathes for Lolita
Question: Do you really mean 'bathes' or do you mean 'baths?'
You did do the rhyming well, I'll give you that, but the second stanza does no justice to the first. Such as a bit of a problem:
confesses all:
"When those children called
I can't stop stumbling over that when I read it. I'd say add the word 'to' between 'confesses' and 'all' to make it smoother.
Another wake, funeral cake
Love this line lots and lots, though.
It's a pretty good job, especially given that you nearly didn't screw up the rhyming at all.
End DD comment.
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Eee, I like this. One of the better pieces I have seen on dA.
The funeral wake/asking why lines made me laugh and I love them. But despite that, I would sorrowfully suggest that you take them away altogether because they are a weak point. In my opinion, anyway.
As for the rest of it: enjoyable read.
~Tal
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Whew. I pretty much hate the poetry most often found on DeviantArt - that lazy, "write something descriptive and put in some unusual line breaks, it's poetry!" kind that the people who pick the DD's seem to like so much. So, in my general browsing of the DD's, I decided to see what verbal diarrhea they had chosen for us today.
Guess I was lucky, because it looks like they finally chose something worth reading.
It flows good and everything like that that you want to happen with poetry. I'd say the worst line for me was the "now everyone's asking why" line, though I think that has something to do with the sound of the 'why'. Seems not to fit. But like I said, I generally dislike poetry, so who knows what I am on about.
All I know is that I like this. In a strange way it reminds me of the old orginal fairy tales. It has this childlike rhyme to it, but there's the creepy undertone.
Of course, it's also slightly funny, but perhaps that's just me.
I guess you can be content with the fact that you somewhat restored my faith in DA's poets.
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Why thankyou - it's one of my favourite pieces.
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wow.
how is it that i'm just now finding you!?
welcome to my watch
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This is great. Trips along so delicately for such a morbid little fairy story. I do like the imagery and the naming is sublime. The opening is really strong. This has a dark heart and a mischevious grin on its lips. superb work.
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well, i have to comment because i too tend to steer clear of rhyme.. this, however, was very refreshing... very nice..
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I followed links here. I'm happy that I did..
I do believe that ~ladynyk also left a link to this on my page. I should thank her.
I've had a lucky day today with reading poetry. The ones that I have chosen to read have been worth my while and great writing too. It is rare that I find such continuous luck here.
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once again, ladynyk sent me.
this is marvelous. so different from all the rest of the shit around here, and very well done.
i did see a few good suggestions up there, which i won't repeat, but other than that very impressive.
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you little whore you. yes i too was once placed on the streets in ladynyk's finery. this is really an excellent piece, the wistful note and almost child-like tone give me goosebumps. As well as the names... Lolita... ah. well, the only question i have is the line "now everyone's asking why." it interrupts the flow a little bit, perhaps "and everybody's asking why" or something to that effect. otherwise this is truly splendid.
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Oh bloody hell, I hate losing comments because of the wrong button.
I ain't got no fault to find in the rhythm or language, quite solid. I'm wondering if you've actually trained somewhat as a writer? If not, you've hit on something sweet and all these fine people enjoyed your hard work. If you are, well.. I won't be negative now. 'wake/cake' doesn't fit and isn't nearly as cool as the rest of the poem. Easily has my vote for weakest part of the poem, especially when followed by the completely loved second half.
Oh, and the way you use dialogue here is really something. Excellent.
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Ladypimp...er, ~ladynyk drug me in here too.
Very delicate use of language indeed. I'm not fully sold on the on-again, off-again rhymes, but it's a minor detail. This is almost perfect!
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was my turn to act as client to a pimp and was "money" well spent. Interesting words, not many manage to broach this subject matter and get away with it, but your subtlety and imagery abounds
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Nycole sent me
wow man
increidble work
simply...
jesus i lvoe it
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I came here too, on riding a carrier wave, tailing ~ladynyk
Can't add much in comment, other than that I can strongly feel something Agatha Christie-esk which is enhanced by the 'nostalgic' or 'classic' rhyme scheme. Powerful images that create an entire story in 'just a few' lines, that's poetry!!!
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Somebody sent someone else here, and I saw the link.
I'm glad I did - I enjoyed this immensely.
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*Love Deviation*
interesting write...love the flow and rhythm...and it rhymes....but..in a good way....almost to the point of being twisted but with just the right tinge of being a little unbiased..like just telling the story......excellent write...
thanks for sharing..
ViNce
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and the pimping continues.... ~ladynyk pointed me in this direction and i gotta go tell her thank you!! this is great!! very natural, not contrived at all which is usually the problem with rhymes. how refreshing and nice to read something so completely different from the norm around here!! good job!!
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Digital pimps abound, and I follow their advice - as usual. This is a very exciting piece, and I am someone who agrees with ^ndifference about rhyme usually sounding the death knell in these parts.
This is great work.
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Bravo. Very well done.. this may very well be the piece I pimp..
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In true domino effect, I was sent here by ndifference. Likewise, I'm glad he clued me in. This was a fun read and well executed. Ndiff said the rest. Refreshing.
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not into poetry in a big way but this is a great poem, keep it up
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Qed sent me here. And I'm glad he did, although I don't have much to add to what he said. Rhymes are usually the kiss of death for poems on DA - they're often sophomoric, forced, and just plain lousy. This piece is quite different from the norm in that the rhymes are handled very well and add a tremendous amount of polish to the poem. If anything, this piece reminds me of the poetry of Eugene Field - stuff my father used to read to me when I was a kid. Perhaps that's why I am slightly off-kilter. Good job.
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Absolutely; I've thought so often 'this is a really good premise for a poem but it should be free verse, the rhyming hinders it', but this one really uses it as a facet of the work itself; such a dark subject and such a good command of language (it reminds me of The Mariner's Revenge Song by The Decemberists for some reason) put with such a lackadaisical rhyme scheme speaks volumes about the protagonist without mentioning him/her/it once.
Really good stuff, and certainly deserving of the DD it received!
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Good grief. While the rhythm and rhyme in this are both solid, there is also something delicate about the way you handled them, especially considering the dark humor of the piece. Nice job.
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