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Published: 2008-07-24 06:37:12 +0000 UTC; Views: 348; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 9
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Description
ForgetMy mind, it shutters at the idea.
My body like glass, shatters at a thought.
I hope to draw a blank, that it didn’t happen,
and never think again.
I run in my dreams
I scream why, the shadows gather.
What can I do to overlook my actions?
I wake up, scared in my den.
I wander through my house,
turn to every noise.
I feel trapped,
count to ten!
One, the shadows of the past grow.
Two, they grow eyes and mouths.
Three, the look long at me.
F-four, im shaking like a leaf.
F-five, they come closer.
S-six, I cant move.
S-seven, THOUGHTS RACE!
E-EIGHT, CANT BREATH!
N-NINE, GO AWAY!
T-TEN, LEAVE MY MIND!
I awake, hours later.
Wondering what happened,
I remembered, for just a second.
I quickly grab my pen.
I write it all down, what I did.
I write it with haste, illegible.
It slowly lifts, the thoughts fleeting.
What? Where? Who? When?
I Forget...
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Comments: 7
thetawave2 [2009-01-20 18:01:19 +0000 UTC]
I think you mean “shudders” rather than “shutters” in the first line I think you do a great job of establishing an anxious mood in the first few stanzas. You did a good job continuing it with the stuttered counting, but I think I’d save the all caps and the exclamation points for later in the count so that the tension keeps building throughout. I’m not really sure what to think of the last two stanzas, though. The transition is very abrupt and a little unclear. What makes you seemingly pass out for hours? What motivates you to write down these thoughts?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
StraightJacketRed In reply to thetawave2 [2009-01-20 22:25:13 +0000 UTC]
ever do something you regret? thats why, we all have those little things we did that we wish we could change. and thanks for the look through!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
RayAndEdward [2008-07-24 13:35:27 +0000 UTC]
I love this one!
Grrrr! can't figure out the rhyme scheme! hmmmm....wait! No. No, i have no idea.
Oh well! It's great!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
StraightJacketRed In reply to RayAndEdward [2008-07-24 15:32:42 +0000 UTC]
its hard, i made it so that its almost unnoticeable, yet it still creates a slight tune. thank you for the comment!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
nikkiswimmer [2008-07-24 06:47:32 +0000 UTC]
This is really good, I like the counting to tenpart.
-__- Hahhh yeah regret hurts so bad.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
StraightJacketRed In reply to nikkiswimmer [2008-07-24 07:03:08 +0000 UTC]
thank you!
Yeah, it really sucks...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
