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Published: 2008-07-17 23:28:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 269; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 7
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Description
My eye, it sees what’s in front of it.At my desk I think, alone I sit.
My thoughts run, my mad wit.
I crack my fingers, time to write a bit.
The clicking of a keyboard, my heart sinks.
My eyes look long into the screen, pupils shrink.
On this digital display, the fresh running ink.
Tears come long and hard, my eyes are pink.
I hope for the best, that this will do.
That people love it, the crowd wont scream boo.
I hope for something fresh, something new.
I hope that it will not act like poo.
My rhymes, they are bad.
My thoughts are true,
though they are quite mad.
Will they read, who?
I look to you, the simple lad.
Or lady, who is quite cross.
Don’t be sad,
that my poems grow moss.
You give them life, and me hope.
Thank you, from my heart.
The taste of hope is tart,
the sour, I can cope.
I’d hate to part.
I will stand, I will not mope!
Im gone, in the racing cart!
I look to you, I bow my head.
Thank you, so very much.
Enough has been said.
Thanks...
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Comments: 8
Dahnza [2009-01-06 10:36:28 +0000 UTC]
Definately love the ryhmes and the general message from the poem. My fav so far (=
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
nikkiswimmer [2008-07-18 01:13:52 +0000 UTC]
Aww! I do like this poem. I want to read more, lots more! @__@ *fanatic look*
Your ideas are unique and sometimes startling; I would love to read a few that are not weighted down by rhymes-- try "freeforming" it! For some reason, I have a connection to your style of writing and drawing, like I can relate to it very well.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
StraightJacketRed In reply to nikkiswimmer [2008-07-18 01:28:18 +0000 UTC]
i may have to now! lol, i 'll give that a shot, but im running out of things to complain about! lets hope i find a pain in the ass to get me going lol
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
fathertiresias [2008-07-18 00:59:38 +0000 UTC]
Okay well it says "Advanced Critique Encouraged" so that's what I'm going to give. Please don't take any of this the wrong way.
The ideas portrayed by the poem are very good. However, the constant rhyming is a little taxing on the brain. Look at the opening three stanzas: they all have the rhyme scheme of AAAA BBBB, etc.
Also, you give the appearance of crafting each line solely to make the rhymes fit. I know how that is because I used to do it myself. The intent of each line should be worked out first, then made to fit the rhyme scheme.
Here's my advice: try writing some non-rhyming poems. That way you give free range to your ideas and there's still a lot of poetical techniques you can use without worrying about whether each line ends with the right sound. I'd be very keen to see these, if you choose to take my advice, because you seem to have a lot of potential.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
StraightJacketRed In reply to fathertiresias [2008-07-18 01:10:34 +0000 UTC]
I'm sorry, but if i may, of course its a bad thing that its aaaa bbbb, but not all of them are like that. just saying! lol
and this is actually what i want, please by all means, if anything bugs you about how i write, SAY somthing! i like a good overview, for one it shows that I'm not perfect, two it helps me keep going, because your not motivated as much if you don't get some, pardon the expression, Shit with the rainbow! I'm glade that someone finally said somthing, for a while it was a rainbows! and I'm glade you were blunt, i tend to be blunt with people with things like this and i want people to do the same thing to me.
Thank you very much!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
CaptainQuirk [2008-07-18 00:18:05 +0000 UTC]
I'd say it's cuz you're friendly.
Great poem. Certainly sums up the fears and joys of writing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
StraightJacketRed In reply to CaptainQuirk [2008-07-18 00:41:11 +0000 UTC]
awwwww! thanks! ^^
Warm fuzzes all around!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
