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StreamEngenius — Notice
Published: 2009-03-27 06:38:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 157; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
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Description I loved you before
I had the shape of a woman
You've only now begun to notice
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StreamEngenius - Blame
Comments: 3

queennee [2009-03-27 16:02:01 +0000 UTC]

sigh.
i do like this.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Fluffizillamon [2009-03-27 15:36:21 +0000 UTC]

My only suggestion is to replace the word "just" in the last line with "only now."

Beyond that, it captures as much emotion and imagery as only a good haiku.

In fact, you may want to try to fit this, or write something new, to the standard format of a Haiku. I have a whole page of them if you would like a reference point.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

StreamEngenius In reply to Fluffizillamon [2009-06-01 07:47:43 +0000 UTC]

I changed that.

And I do think it has a better ring to it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0