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StuartR — The Collection
Published: 2006-02-09 15:30:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 143; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 4
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Description
Just give me one secondWhile time is standing still
I'll try and fix it
You know the drill
That dashing young man
With a rifle in his hand
He's going to kill somebody
Doesn't he understand?
That death march procession
Is at its wits end
For the killer they have
Yet to apprehend
Death is flying low
Through our valley in the sky
Yet Life is walking proud
Her pretty head held high
And i have to wonder
I have to stop and stare
Have to turn my head away
Pretend that i don't care
And if he were to die today
Such a hole that he would leave
To try to fill it would be sacrilage
A curse on the bereaved
If a giant, dainty dancer
Could float across the clouds
And trip and fall and kill us all
What ironies abound
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Comments: 16
Great protest song lyrics--as you say, reminiscent of Dylan. This could be chanted with background music or a tune could be added. With stuff like the Iraqi war going on, your timing is perfect--we could use a few new good protest songs about now!
************************* The following is about poetry construction, if you are interested in my 2 cents worth!
If not --feel free to ignore! 
Oh, and yes --any grouping of lines separated from other line groups by a space is generally considered a stanza or if it's music, a verse.
On a rhyming note--you can read your lines out loud to yourself or better yet into a tape recorder and then play them back to check the rhymes, if you are concerned about how closely the sounds match. I mention this because you do have a couple stanzas where there is more of a visual than a close verbal rhyme, I think. Actually, it's just that last stanza, in looking back at it. That's not necessarily something to change--just something poets usually consider in choosing what words to use.
Since you sound like you are not real familiar with actual "construction" of poetry stuff--I don't know if you want comments on the rhythm or not. But your critique choice indicates you might not mind? Bear in mind: this is stuff I'm trying to learn how to work with myself as I do not usually do poetry, but have been investigating it lately. So take anything I say with a grain of salt, ok? I don't consider myself the last word in poetry, by any means. So this next is my take on things:
This has a pretty good flow to it. It reminds me of water rushing down a creek with fairly smooth flowing areas and then some spots where it splashes up against some rocks or eddies around for a second before flowing on and then the last stanza it kind of splashes down over a little surprise precipice! Now how's that for a new way to describe poetic rhythm eh? Just popped into my head, lol! What I mean is this :
You may prefer to leave it rippling and rushing along naturally like it is. You can also play with it and see what rearranginng the placement of the rocks and pools would do for it and see which way you like it better?!
To play with it, you can check a couple things:
Count the syllables in each line and see what that is showing and what would happen if you change some words here and there to change how the syllable numbers and flow adjust by doing that.
Example?:
2nd stanza:
line 1: 5 syllables
line 2: 7 syllables
line 3: 8 syllables
line 4: 6 syllables
Now when saying the words: there's a pretty good flow to them on the first three lines that carries you along one of those smooth stretches in the creek. Then you have a little doubletime ripple effect where you have to say "Doesn't he" a bit faster, to keep that flow going. And that brings up the second thing to look at:
The beat! of the words--what and where the voice accents them:
In that stanza:
line 1 : ~ / ~~/ (where ~ is the unemphasized beat and / is the strong beat)
line 2: ~ ~ /~ ~ ~ /
line 3: ~ / ~ ~ ~/~ (where "going" is scrunched into one sylllable like "goyng" instead of "go--ing")
line 4: /~ ~ ~~/
That is one way of clapping out a rhythm for that stanza.
Another might be if the last line read: "But does he understand?" which changes the beat to:
~ / ~ ~~/ which keeps the flow of the previous lines instead of switching to a initial strong beat on t he first syllable of t hat last line. Just depends on which way you like it--maybe you want that rock at the start of that line to make the flow different to emphasize that thought!
Also, in that stanza: 2nd line could also read :
"With a rifle in hand" to change the rhythm just a bit.: ~ ~ /~ ~ / Just another choice!
*************
Just trying to share a way of examining your words /lines/ rhythms/ etc in case you want to be able to try things different ways and then choose what you like best.
Hope that makes any sense! And doesn't sound too dumb! And if you actually know this stuff already, then just ignore the previous and pretend I was sneezing instead!!!!
I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing and my thanks to Christine for featuring you, so I might find you!
(I reeaally hope I haven't annoyed you with this lengthy comment!)
Fay
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No no no, you haven't annoyed me at all! I think that's the first actual critique i've ever gotten, thank you very much! 
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Whew! LOL--I was a bit concerned about having written all that! But now I'm glad then that I did!
Fay
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the last stanza is magnificent. truly excellent.
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god i wish i could write like you do.
this is so well written. and i do agree it sounds like it should be sung.
you have so much talent. i envy that!
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I love it! Well crafted and seamless. Artful rhyming, not gratuitious or forced. The rhythm would be JUST right for a song...
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Thank you very much!
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