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Styrmwolf — Return
Published: 2008-12-04 03:31:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 230; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 8
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Description I walk down an old trail,
barely glancing down at the well worn foot steps.
Only to slip on a strange new stone,
its glossy back reveled after years of rain carving the soil.

So the trail has changed, from the childhood days.

The old castle, abandoned but still draped in regal mossy trim,
with its noble rampart, held me tall as I tried to feel the soft clouds.
Now just an old pile of logs, with the last of their bark clinging on in tatters.
I touch the old tower, but it only creaks, and sprinkles wood dust on the ground.

The little brown birds that once spiraled in a fluttering dance,
even as I ran into the middle, and spun with them
now have turned to crust leaves, abandoned after fall.
Simply stirring in the wind.

I still walk, trying to squeeze my big shoes into tiny footprints.
Listening, for the wolf’s howl, calling me to play,
But left with nothing, except a memory, now a ghost.

Leaving me clinging to a pen and scrying for visions in ink.
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Comments: 4

purinsesu-akisame [2009-01-31 23:28:35 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad you got such a good detailed response!! Hhaha awesome.
I'm jealous.
I love the poetry as usual. Miss you and keep it up!! :3

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Oleem [2008-12-05 00:13:21 +0000 UTC]

Ok. I like your subject a lot. The mood and imagery are pretty good, too.

That said, there's something that seems...unpoetic about some parts of it. There really isn't rhythm, flow, or harmony between words. You could work more on how the words sound together [alliteration, assonance, consonance] and punctuation to make things more poetic.


First stanza
-Something about it doesn't grab my attention. It could possibly be more effective if you flipped the first and second lines around. Or else change the punctuation. It seems that I'm having to pause for too long or in awkward places. You don't need a comma after the first line, I think that's why you're not grabbing my attention...I have to stop for no reason, it doesn't flow. Same idea with the period at line two, it should be a comma for smoother transition. Maybe a dash after line three, to emhpasize the surprise or unexpectedness.
Yes, I'm totally anal about punctuation, but it can do so much for the mood and flow. Don't underestimate it
-reveled -> revealed

Second stanza
-I love this part. You have great assonance and the line sounds nice, besides being very strong and conveying good meaning. But the comma isn't necessary.

Third stanza
-This part is too heavy. In general it's good to use adjectives, but there can be too much of a good thing! Some words can definitely speak for themselves and are actually weakened by adjectives. It would be best to cut some things out...some adjectives, and even cutting out a word where you can will help. Like "with" and "in"in line three. You could also cut on some commas.

Fourth stanza
-Nice job. Your imagery is very effective, especially how you've connected a personal experience to it. Good flow.
-crust -> crusty or crusted [?]

Fifth stanza
-Not bad. It's not as interesting or original as the rest of the poem, but it works. It's quite comma heavy, though.

Sixth stanza
-Good ending. My only issue is that it doesn't seem connected to the previous idea. The period at the end of stanza five shuts out the final line...but there's a strong impression that stanza five and six are directly connected.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Styrmwolf In reply to Oleem [2008-12-05 20:09:51 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, thanks for the detailed response, this is mostly just a first draft I wrote up on a whim, and I already have a few ideas on how to improve it. I will definitely take your critique into consideration. ^_^

Thanks again!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Oleem In reply to Styrmwolf [2008-12-11 20:31:18 +0000 UTC]

You're very welcome! I think you're one of the people from *PoetryPlease that I'm supposed to crit. I crit everything in my message center, but you get priority So if there's anything else you want me to look at just let me know!

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