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Description
I've been wanting to submit something to PostSecret, but I haven't been able to think of something to send in (or how I would decorate the card) until tonight. It's 5am and I was up all night making this thing...I'm happy with how it turned out.

I know that the "secret" is heavy, but I felt I should submit it to DeviantArt anyway because A. It is art that I worked hard on, and B. I have to keep it real, if only for a moment. That and if it makes to the site one week, I have proof that I'm the one that made it.

Anyone who knows me personally would tell you that I'm a very enthusiastic person who indulges in good humor, and I do. However, there is a lot more to me than that and it was hard making the decision to post it on this site.

Unfortunately the "secret" is very true, and I honestly fear more than anything that since I can't always make that hour long drive up to Clarks Summit (it's been 2 months, and it's hard without a car. I have the money for a rental, luckily, so I will be able to get up there soon), I will start to grow apart from the church and my friends that are there. They gave me my life back when it was falling apart 2 years ago and I don't ever want those relationships to fade away.

Depression/Bipolar I disorder is a hell of an illness to have, and in a sense I'm a bit relieved to know that so many people my age struggle with it. It makes me feel less alone and that other people understand the feeling. However, not too many people know the feeling of wanting to completely give up in life. Mental illness has a very ugly stigma attached to it and because of that it's not uncommon to hear other people use the words "crazy", "ungrateful", or "psychotic". That's been something I've dealt with for as long as I can remember, since I have struggled with these horrifyingly intense and real thoughts and emotions since I was a very young kid (Kindergarten age, at least). I guess that's what got me into art in the first place as a young child...

As anyone who has dealt with this can tell you, it's a scary mental state to be in. It feels almost unreal, and like nothing can make it go away. Personally, it has gotten to the point where I have picked up bad habits for dealing with it, luckily it hasn't gotten so bad that I am an addict of any kind. Ever since my ex fiance left me last Christmas, I have struggled with trichotillomania (a hair pulling disorder), self-harm, smoking, abusing prescription drugs, and drinking. I am infinitely thankful that my church has helped me to work through those habits and turn to better ones. I don't know where I would be without them in my life.

I think the strangest part is that my church-going has been made possible with the help of my 12th grade math teacher - someone who I never thought in a million years I'd become friends with. For those who don't know me personally, his name is Joel (pretty sure many of you have heard me mention him at some point), and he is featured in several of my artworks on this site. Him and all my other friends at the church are huge inspirations to me, so that's why I tend to incorporate them into my art. My experience with becoming friends with him has taught me to never judge someone, because someone you see every day and never speak to could be the one that saves you from yourself.

I am, in a sense, sort of thankful to have been dealt these issues in my life because through them I have been able to give advice to young teenagers on Tumblr who struggle with mental illness. It's been very rewarding and I hope every day that they listen to me, or at least find it in themselves to seek happiness instead of giving in to their demons. With that said, I am always here to talk if you need to.

I hope that one day, perhaps not in my lifetime, but hopefully soon, the stigma will no longer be around. I wish I could hug every single person who goes through this hell on earth every waking minute, because it's not fair how most of society sees people who are mentally unbalanced. The stigma and the stereotypes have to end by whatever means necessary, because no one should ever have to hear the words that I heard come out of my ex fiances mouth when I learned he had been cheating on me:

Me: "Do you hate me because I can be suicidal?"
Him: "I don't hate you, but it's why I stopped loving you."

I also feel obligated to say that if you are in crisis, please don't be afraid to make the call to a hotline. The person who will talk to you is specially trained to deal with your issues and will help you get to higher ground.
The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the US is 1-800-273-8255.

Description
I've been wanting to submit something to PostSecret, but I haven't been able to think of something to send in (or how I would decorate the card) until tonight. It's 5am and I was up all night making this thing...I'm happy with how it turned out.

I know that the "secret" is heavy, but I felt I should submit it to DeviantArt anyway because A. It is art that I worked hard on, and B. I have to keep it real, if only for a moment. That and if it makes to the site one week, I have proof that I'm the one that made it.

Anyone who knows me personally would tell you that I'm a very enthusiastic person who indulges in good humor, and I do. However, there is a lot more to me than that and it was hard making the decision to post it on this site.

Unfortunately the "secret" is very true, and I honestly fear more than anything that since I can't always make that hour long drive up to Clarks Summit (it's been 2 months, and it's hard without a car. I have the money for a rental, luckily, so I will be able to get up there soon), I will start to grow apart from the church and my friends that are there. They gave me my life back when it was falling apart 2 years ago and I don't ever want those relationships to fade away.

Depression/Bipolar I disorder is a hell of an illness to have, and in a sense I'm a bit relieved to know that so many people my age struggle with it. It makes me feel less alone and that other people understand the feeling. However, not too many people know the feeling of wanting to completely give up in life. Mental illness has a very ugly stigma attached to it and because of that it's not uncommon to hear other people use the words "crazy", "ungrateful", or "psychotic". That's been something I've dealt with for as long as I can remember, since I have struggled with these horrifyingly intense and real thoughts and emotions since I was a very young kid (Kindergarten age, at least). I guess that's what got me into art in the first place as a young child...

As anyone who has dealt with this can tell you, it's a scary mental state to be in. It feels almost unreal, and like nothing can make it go away. Personally, it has gotten to the point where I have picked up bad habits for dealing with it, luckily it hasn't gotten so bad that I am an addict of any kind. Ever since my ex fiance left me last Christmas, I have struggled with trichotillomania (a hair pulling disorder), self-harm, smoking, abusing prescription drugs, and drinking. I am infinitely thankful that my church has helped me to work through those habits and turn to better ones. I don't know where I would be without them in my life.

I think the strangest part is that my church-going has been made possible with the help of my 12th grade math teacher - someone who I never thought in a million years I'd become friends with. For those who don't know me personally, his name is Joel (pretty sure many of you have heard me mention him at some point), and he is featured in several of my artworks on this site. Him and all my other friends at the church are huge inspirations to me, so that's why I tend to incorporate them into my art. My experience with becoming friends with him has taught me to never judge someone, because someone you see every day and never speak to could be the one that saves you from yourself.

I am, in a sense, sort of thankful to have been dealt these issues in my life because through them I have been able to give advice to young teenagers on Tumblr who struggle with mental illness. It's been very rewarding and I hope every day that they listen to me, or at least find it in themselves to seek happiness instead of giving in to their demons. With that said, I am always here to talk if you need to.

I hope that one day, perhaps not in my lifetime, but hopefully soon, the stigma will no longer be around. I wish I could hug every single person who goes through this hell on earth every waking minute, because it's not fair how most of society sees people who are mentally unbalanced. The stigma and the stereotypes have to end by whatever means necessary, because no one should ever have to hear the words that I heard come out of my ex fiances mouth when I learned he had been cheating on me:

Me: "Do you hate me because I can be suicidal?"
Him: "I don't hate you, but it's why I stopped loving you."

I also feel obligated to say that if you are in crisis, please don't be afraid to make the call to a hotline. The person who will talk to you is specially trained to deal with your issues and will help you get to higher ground.
The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the US is 1-800-273-8255.