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SureThingsFall — Look At Me
Published: 2011-06-09 16:07:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 68; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Description
Just another breathAmong the living
Another backwards step
Towards the ending
Eyes gaze
but do not lock
Lips smile
but hold no meaning
Time is slipping through
the spaces in your hands
Moments quickly lost
Empty words forgot
Mundane
This routine is killing
anything you'll ever be
Just another breath
Look. At. Me.
Comments: 3
I think (and this is purely opinion) it might make more sense if in the third stanza you put
"Time is slipping through
the spaces in your hands"
instead of
"Time is slipping by
the spaces in your hands"
Again this is just my opinion.
Okay, now that my critique-y side is through, I need to tell you this is possibly my favourite of all your poems so far. (That says a lot, because all of your poems are pure awesome sauce ^^ ) The last stanza gave me chills. I seriousously love this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
yeah, that would make more sense 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1