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Systems-Error — Ghosts of the Present pt1
Published: 2008-07-18 13:34:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 151; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description Serf returned home from his work at the office, he closed the door and tried to leave the work outside but it was still standing over him. He rested his head against the door and sighed things had begun to pile on him recently and he was feeling less and less motivated to do anything. TheSerf dropped his case and rubbed his eyes, the searching over legal documents had dried them out and he was feeling tired.
Sighing he pushed himself off the door and flicked on the light to his hall, his expensive furniture and decorations went unappreciated and unoticed, as usual, while he made his way to the bookshelf. He grabbed the cigarettes he left there and took one out. Placing it in his mouth he removed his jacket and placed the packet in his trousers. He lit the cigarette and took a deep breath, readying himself for his nightly routine of drunk T.V before falling asleep.
Serf grabbed the door handle and opened the door walking into the darkness he knew too well to be his living room. He shut the door and reached out for the light, as it flicked on he realised his routine was broken. "Those things will kill you." said Lucas, Serf puffed out some more smoke and flicked the ash into a nearby ashtray. He looked at Lucas sitting on his armchair his silver revolver lying next to him on the table. "Oh I have a feeling somethng else will finish me off first."
Serf thought about reaching for his gun, but he was too tired. He would be slower than normal and his aim would be off. "take a seat" TheSerf had finished his cigarette and so lit up another before taking the seat he was offered. "I take it you're not here for pleasantries Lucas." "no tonights all business I'm afraid." Serf smiled a little and said "I see, you were sent here to kill me." "You always were a smart man Serf." Serf took another breath of his cigarette again before unbuttoning the top of his shirt. "Wasting a lot of time talking Lucas." "I want to make sure you understand things."
"I understand fine, I let a couple of our boys get taken down. Some businesses may have been put out of business it all costs money. I'm a liability now." "that's not what this is about Serf you know it isn't." Serf laughed a little and flicked away some more of his ash "well what is it then has Ghost become jealous of my looks?" The room had begun to form a thick atmosphere, the smoke had mixed with the feelings making it an almost unbearable place for either of the two. The threat of what either would do and the knowledge of how this was going to end was making it difficult not to get up and run out of the room.
"It's what made you Serf." said Lucas, Serf frowned and snapped back "Stop speaking in riddles Lucas you were never any good at this cryptic message shit." "I'm here because of what you did Serf. The girl, the money, the deal thats all why I'm here." TheSerf became uneasy in his chair and began smoking furiosly covering his face with smoke thickening the air in the room even more. "what are you talking about?"
"you killed her Serf, okay maybe it was an accident but what you did wasn't. She died in your arms blooded and beaten because you wouldn't get help." "Shut up." "Did she cry Serf? Did she plead for mercy as you sat by and watched." "shut up!" Serfs voice screeched over the top of Lucas' tone "how much did you pay for them to get rid of her? How much was the gun you used to kill Frank and Garry?" Serf smashed his fist on the table and screamed with as much strength as he could find. "Shut up! STOP!" The two sat staring at each other for a moment. Serf slightly breathless and sweating. "You don't know what happened, you can't lecture me about it you weren't there. None of you know."
"We do now." said Lucas. "No, you can't know. Your version will be some twisted lie some ...some perversion of the truth. I loved her, honest I did. She had such a beautiful voice." Serf let the tear roll down his cheek and fall to the floor.  "what happened?" asked Lucas.
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Comments: 2

Mechanical-Dragon [2008-10-24 04:51:25 +0000 UTC]

Oooo! Neat opening! It's very gritty and mob drama feeling.

Only thing that I can't bear to have left unsaid is that it would have read easier with a more structured paragraph and break layout.

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Systems-Error In reply to Mechanical-Dragon [2008-10-24 10:01:50 +0000 UTC]

I completely agree with you on the comment the second half is better structured. The truth is I copied the story from my computer and submitted but when I read the second half I decided I could do better. I just haven't had the time or motivation to edit the first to look the same way. Thank you for your comments on the second part though you appear to be one of the first people to actually pick up on what I was trying to do and I greatly appreciate it, my respect for you grows by the day

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