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I don't dream. Rather, I never remembered my dreams... ever, not even to this day, which is good, I suppose. My dreams tend to be nightmares. I've been told that this is a residual effect from the damage inflicted upon me as a child, damage that stole from me my childhood and locked me forever into the form I wear to this very day. Nevertheless, I suspect that my dreams that night were of a more pleasant variety. For when I woke the next morning, in my small narrow bed, I was whispering his name and I was smiling.

But for the life of me, as I laid there, arms behind my head, watching dust motes drift in the early morning sun, I could not recall why. Nor could I recall how I had gotten there. I remembered only a long aimless walk and my vow to keep my hands to myself, nothing more.

I suspect that Andris may have had a hand in it. Surely he had to have given me leave. But at the time I was too troubled to seek him out, to see if this was indeed true. And by late afternoon, when I finally did get around to talking to him, it was far too late to bring it up.

My life is no longer my own to command.

That was an unnerving thought. My life… whose life… what life? Such an alien concept... my life had never truly been my own to command, no healer's was, so where had that thought come from?

I was grateful for the solitude of my tiny cell-like room. Without Cordelain there to catch my eye, my brain was beginning to function, although I wasn't at all happy with the paths it had taken upon itself to wander. I was a condemned man, who knew his end was nigh. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became… avoiding Cordelain was no longer an issue. We were bound to meet, had to meet and for the life of me, I didn't know which was worse. Undressing him in my dreams for the rest of my life or facing him head-on as I knew I soon would.

No matter how I looked at it, his presence was still there, hovering just beyond the edge of conscious thought, as it had all that long night before. All I needed to do to reach him was to put forth a call, the call, and he would respond. How I knew this, I cannot say, I knew only that it was so. It was a troubling situation but the truth of the matter could no longer be denied. Cordelain and I were irrevocably bound. Against all hope, against all my desires to the contrary, that much had become increasingly clear. We had bonded, swedhbonds at the very least, though I suspected there was a great deal more in store for us.

My life in no longer my own. Was that his fear or was that mine? Did he even know what was going on?

Damn, I thought, I need to get my act together. I had to know where I stood. What if he was feeling these very self same things? What if he sought me out before I was ready? What was I to do then? Sweet Lady! I silently wailed to the walls of my room. Which one of us? Which one of us is the one?

The desperation of the night before returned in full force. Oh what was he going to say? What would he do? How was he going to react to having a swedh such as I? It was simply too much for me to handle all at once. And yet, as I pondered all this, tiny shreds of evidence came to me, threads that should have made the situation clearer the night before, but hadn't. Like the fact that he had known where I was standing, no matter where we were in relationship to the room. How he kept wandering in my direction, repeatedly, time and time again. Oh I had quickly caught on to that, and in the crush of the crowd avoiding him had been child's play. Yet, now that I looked back at the fact, I could see that not once had I questioned his ability to find me, I had simply accepted it outright with no thought as to the how or why.

The more I thought about it, the more obvious it became that either consciously or unconsciously, Cordelain already knew, which meant that by now he was no doubt thoroughly confused. For I had done everything I could the night before to shut him out, throwing up mental roadblocks right and left. My behavior had to be sending him some rather contradictory signals. But I was not at all ready for this to happen. I did not want it to happen, not then, not ever, not at that point in my life, so I truly do not know, if it was the bond which kept pointing me out to him or simply a matter of very good eyesight.

Because the truth is, it really could honestly have been either, neither or both. Cordelain's eyesight is utterly remarkable. As a hunter with a bow, he had no peer, and unknowingly, even in that obscenely short span of time during which we stood there face to face, I had managed to make a lasting impression. Cordelain, it seemed, had a weak spot for dark blue eyes, especially sad blue eyes, and he had caught but one glimpse of mine and found himself obsessed. One glimpse and he had wanted to know why they held so much pain. Odd, I suppose, I had never thought my gaze sad, provocative perhaps, challenging definitely, but sad?

Be that as it may, no matter where I moved, no matter where I stood that night, he had known where I was, even when there was no practical way that he could have picked me out of the crowd. All night long, every time the urge to join him became so strong that I found myself openly struggling, forcing my feet to stay locked in place, his head would come up and he would stare in my direction, his strong thoughtful brow knitted with a perplexed, puzzled curiosity. But other than that he made no move to corner me in any way. At least he made no move that I could see. Instead, I was to learn later on, he put his second, Jamiel el `a Cordovan, that small troubling oddly familiar redheaded mule, on my tail.

Had I known this, I would have fled the party far earlier than I had, for I had no wish to be found out. But Jamiel sensed instantly that I was avoiding contact and took a differing route. Rather than intrude upon my solitude, he shadowed my every move, speaking not to me, but to those with whom I spoke. Thus by the end of the night he knew all there was to know. Who I was... What I was... All of that and more... He knew everything, from my status as an outcast to my birth clan to the dubiously elevated rank I held in my guild, right down to the less-than-proper popularity that I held as an exotic dancer. Which meant that he knew me not at all.

Nevertheless, by the end of that night, Jamiel thought he did and he held none of it back from Cordelain. Whether he did this out of a true underlying sense of responsibility or some perverse quirk of temper, I cannot say. Jamiel is no longer with us, and I truly do not believe that he would answer me even could I speak with him across the veil. For Jamiel was a law unto himself and he seldom explained himself to anyone, not to me, not to Cory, not anyone, which was why he was in the Corps in the first place. Noble-born, family loving man that he was, he was simply too independent to toe the line at home.

Word must have gotten back to the Hall concerning my behavior. Nothing bad I suppose.  I wasn't summoned anywhere or called to task by the elders. Instead I earned a visit by the dorm's resident shrink, but then as I knew him so well, I knew he'd make an appearance eventually.

Truth was, Alysian del e` Elori was by no means the Hall's bona fide mind-healer. That role belonged to Ashton el a' Turmen, a grim-faced sour tempered priest, who really wasn't all that bad, as far as mind-healers go. But Ash had a tendency to lecture, which made him decidedly unpopular with the younger set. Therefore for those of us beneath a particular age and rank, Alysian was the closest thing we had to a spiritual advisor.

It wasn't exactly his calling. Alysian was by no means a healer of the mind. To heal the mind one needs to have a strong empathic Talent and his bordered upon the nil. Nevertheless, Alysian was the one we all went to; for he had a gift of natural empathy, a venerable fountain of understanding, which he doled out without question along with generous portions of good clean common sense. He wasn't always right, but he made us think and that was more often than not what we truly needed. Of course it never hurt that he was my closest and dearest friend, or that whenever I was troubled he would magically appear, as if summoned, to help me through the worse. Everyone else had to wait his or her turn.

Of course, the best possible physical description of Alysian then would be to look at me now and imagine the reverse. For where I am male, Alysian was a fem, all fem, a dual who clearly showed every sign of a true definitive leaning. Most dual-fems, especially those who are gifted with talent, exhibit signs of masculine leanings, some behavioral, some physical, and not entirely out of choice but necessity, not Alysian. He was different. Save for one small vestigial anatomical element, the balance he once boasted in his youth no longer existed. Needless to say, his choice had caused him an untold number of problems over the spans, for he had embraced his path more fully than any psi-talent I know and he took no pains to hide it.

But I was describing Alysian, and the best I can do here is to say he was, and remained until he died, a small, vibrant dynamo with a heart of pure gold and a backbone of unadulterated steel. As for the rest, where I am tall, he was short; where I am dark, he was exceedingly fair. We were physical opposites in many ways, but we had a great deal in common and we always shared the same tastes in men, to my everlasting trouble and dismay.

Anyway, there I was, sitting in my room, shredding ribbons to threads, waiting for him to appear, wondering what was taking him so long, when suddenly he was there, knocking briefly, only once, then flouncing into the room without waiting for an answer. He stood there for the longest time, hands on hips, his bright blue eyes thoughtfully grave, studying me while I stared mournfully back.  Then with a soft amused laugh, he made his way to my bed and sank down at my side.

"Ah, Kieriu, ducha, you've really got it bad, don't you?" He whispered, reaching up to drape a friendly arm about my shoulders. "Who is he?" I must have grimaced, because he suddenly dissolved into a fit of laughter and collapsed backwards onto the mattress.

I waited an eternity for him to compose himself, but it really didn't take all that long. Alysian has never been one to take humor at another's expense, especially mine, but I suppose I was too much an open book to pass. For if my face hadn't revealed my inner struggle that morn, the pile of shredded trampled threads at my feet most certainly had. And Alysian knew full well what that meant. I was only this destructive when I was emotional mess, and since there was but one thing that he knew of which could get me into that state, he had made an intuitive leap of judgment that was agonizingly accurate. After a time he grew quiet and laid there watching me with the oddest expression, so I played the fool and asked him point blank why he had dropped by.

"Oh, I merely stopped in to see if I could find enough pieces in attendance, or if I needed to call out the pack and go on a hunt. For I swear, Keiran, after listening to Audric rave this morn, I was truly afraid that I'd have to gather you up in a basket and reassemble you myself before you went out to the clinic. You do remember, do you not? You are still on call."

When I refused to rise to his bait, he sighed and laid a sympathetic hand upon my leg. "Ducha, Let's just say that I heard a frightful spew of complaints as I broke my fast. A few of which I care not to repeat, but making a long tale short... Audric claims you came in last night as white as a ghost and when he asked if you were feeling alright you told him to go bugger himself in no uncertain terms right in front of Lady Krista in a voice loud enough to be heard clear across the main enclave. Then, when Josh tried to intercept you on the way to your room, you walked past him as if he wasn't there. I mean... barring the fact that you were supposed to be with Andris and weren't, I can't believe you would do that in front of her holiness. Now Audric I understand. I know how irritating he can be and I'm certain he had it coming, but Josh? Sweet Lady! You've been after his body for turns now and he was finally caving in. He tells me he came up to you in the jakes dressed only in his briefs and you didn't even notice. What gives?" and with an elegant wave of his hand, he indicated the pile of shredded silk on the floor.

I shook my head numbly and collapsed next to him with a groan.  "Please, don't ask. Heaven's light! Did I really say that in front of Krista?" I begged weakly, fearing the worse.

Alysian chuckled wickedly and rolled to his side with a smug grin. "Well, I do not doubt that you said it, or at least something to that effect, for Audric is still all a flustered, but I don't believe she heard you. You know how Dric the Prick loves to exaggerate. Had you done that, my friend, you'd not be sitting here cooling your heels, you'd be well on your way, off to do a span's penance in some remote isolated warren, where they think dancing is a sin and all the men are happily married. But you did snub Josh, quite thoroughly in fact, because he came to see me afterwards to see if I knew what he was doing wrong and I was hard pressed to smooth his feathers. They were so thoroughly singed that it took all last night and half this morning, in order for him realize that it wasn't you he wanted after all. Score one for me, love. I got to him first." he fell back with a merry laugh as I tried to sit up and turn, all at one and the same time, and wound up tangled in my bedding.

After a half-hearted battle with the blankets, I surrendered, falling back to where I had been in the first place, and growled angrily at him low down in the back of my throat, which only made him laugh all the harder.

"Sorry, Keiriu, but all is fair in love and war as you are so fond of telling me. And that's one battle to me, I believe. But don't you go worrying your pretty little head about it, for he was vastly over-rated commodity, sweet as candy and twice as sickening by the time he's through. Besides... he snores! Aieee! How he snores. Kept me up half the night. So you should be glad he came my way and not yours. I'm quite certain you'll win the next one. You usually do. Care to talk? Are you back on Andris's shit list again? Did something happen at the party? What?" His words came in a careless tumble as he lay there staring up at the ceiling with me, pretending that he really didn't care.

I shook my head with a bitter laugh. "Ah, Lyss, slow down, please. Give me a break. I'm a right ugly mess. One question at a time. My mind is on vacation and if I'm not careful my body is going to go with it."

Intrigued, Alysian rolled to his side once more and plopped his elbow down near my ear. Then resting his head in his hand, he positioned himself so he could look down at me; his face just inches from my own. "Ah, so I do win the forfeit, hmmm? Someone did catch your eye. Who?" he chirped, with an insatiably evil grin.

"You." I snarled and on impulse I gathered him close. Our kiss lasted for no more than a few seconds before he wriggled his way free and fell with an exaggerated sigh on my chest.

"Don't play games with me, Keiran. I'm trying to be serious here." he said after a time, running his hand up under my shirt. He absently stroked my chest as he laid there quiet against me, waiting, wishing, wanting... and it was so obvious what he wanted, that I grew suddenly agonizingly cold, deep down inside.

This wasn't the first time this had happened. Alysian and I had been having problems for some time now, but this time the feeling was far stronger than it had ever been in the past. After a time, when I could no longer take the closeness, I slipped away. But Alysian stayed put, giving me space. Once we had been lovers, and we were still viewed as a pair by many around the Hall. But there was a point now beyond which I could no longer go and although Alysian still had trouble accepting this, he was learning to read me well. It was a variable commodity. Sometimes, if we were lucky, we could lay like that for hours, enjoying each other's company, and every so often if we went at it slow, we could still bring a pairing off, but not today. Today I could not even bear to have him touch me. Deep down inside a soft nagging voice told me it was over. I told that insidious voice to go take a hike, that Alysian was a friend, that he was more than a friend, that he did not deserve this and I didn't want to hurt him, but it refused to listen. It rarely did.

Fourteen spans! Goddess above, when I close my eyes, I can still see us, an adolescent tangle of arms and legs, twelve and thirteen, sneaking off into the garden because we were supposedly too young to be forming a partnership, being caught and drug before Andris, defiant and more than a little afraid, clinging to one another, refusing to be separated, not even for the lecture we knew we'd get. And all of it had been for naught. Fourteen spans.

We had weathered a lot, we two, parental displeasure notwithstanding. But it was Alysian who had born the brunt of it, especially when the truth came out about my so-called sexual proclivity. Yet not once had he held it against me. Alysian had always done his best to understand.

Only now it was over, well and truly gone.  I didn't know why, I didn't know how... I just did.  It wasn't anything he had done, and nothing he could do to salvage it.  It was me.  Something deep and dark and black inside of me was pushing him out.  I didn't know how to break it to him.  I wasn't so sure I could.  And yet, as I looked over at him lying there stretched out across my bed, I thought perhaps he already knew.  For there was disturbing sadness that I had never seen present before in his eyes.  I wanted to cry, but couldn't.  The hurt was simply too deep for tears.

We did not speak for a long time after that.  There are some things that can only be absorbed in silence. But I felt like an absolute heel breaking it to him like that and none of this was helping me with my original problem.  What to do about Cordelain?

I crossed the room and perched on my stool, picked up another ribbon, and after several long tense minutes, during which Alysian silently watched me work with those thoughtful troubled eyes, it too laid on the floor alongside its brothers, rendered down into its most elemental state.  I know that this sounds like a rather childish occupation, but I tend to be destructive when I am in one of my sulks and ribbons are cheap.  Thus I'd learned early on to keep several basketfuls on hand, to keep the repair bills down.   Still, to give you some idea as to how upset I truly was, I had had two full baskets on hand at the start of that morning and I was now down to my very last strip, and my floor, to say the least, was a twin to my head, complete and utter chaos.

After a time, Alysian sighed, got to his feet and walked to my side.  Then with a low soft cluck of his tongue, he rescued that last remaining ribbon from a future of total destruction and used it to tie back his hair before pulling me to my feet.

"You need air."  He said in a voice that brooked no argument.  And then as my stomach chose to rumble loud enough to be heard in the next room, he gave a rueful laugh and added.  "Correction.  You need air AND food.  Come on, my treat.  I know the perfect spot.  And if we hurry we can get there and over to the relief station before your shift begins.  For it's nearer to the main gate than here and it has the loveliest gardens.  I know... I know...  they are bound to be a little bare this time of span, but that's all to the good, for they're sure to be empty and you, my dear little catamite, need to talk."

Only Alysian could get away with calling me names like and not suffer, for I knew he never meant them. But this time the label hurt.

I tried to say I wasn't hungry, tried to pretend I had more important things to attend to, like sorting my socks, but he wisely refused to listen.  He had decided that I needed to talk and he knew that I wouldn't do so as long as we were in the Hall.

He badgered, cajoled and coaxed, and eventually as he knew he would, he won.  Twenty minutes after that we were sitting beneath a ragged looking vine covered trellis upon a carpet of orange and yellow leaves at the far end of a private dining garden.  Between us, on a small low table was a venerable feast, thick rich steaming custards, small pickled eggs, and an amazing variety of elegant finger foods, some of which I had never seen before in my life, which was surprising considering the kind of life I normally led.

"How did you pay for this, dear heart?" I asked as I carefully pealed the shell from a soft-boiled egg.

Alysian grinned from ear to ear. "Didn't have to." He replied as he snatched up custard and dug in. He watched my reaction from the corner of his eye and licked his spoon with an amused smirk as I attempted to sort it out.

"Do you remember that little girl, the toddler, last moon day?  The one who was run over by that run-away cart in the trading quarter?" He asked as he lovingly devoured his treat, eating it with small delicate bites.

I nodded with a grimace.  In certain regions of the city, things like that were always happening; especially during harvest time when people were too busy to keep a close eye on the littles. Sometimes the child in question lost a limb, a hand, a leg or foot, or was left intact but crippled in other less obvious ways, and these were usually the lucky ones.  This child had been more fortunate than most. She had come through the ordeal intact and whole, though she was now marked, her small frail torso crisscrossed with an interesting set of scars that would stay with her for the rest of her life.

We were still unsure about any emotional scarring she might have carried away, scars that were buried deep inside, but that she had survived at all was due in part because Alysian had been not but six feet away when it happened. And his presence there that day had been nothing less than a fortuitous coincidence, for he had been on his way to somewhere else at the time and running late, but his unaccustomed tardiness had saved her life. Had he been punctual, as he usually was, it would have been an altogether different story. So severe had been her injuries at the time, that a trip to the Hall of Healing would have killed her en route.

Alysian saw my reaction and nodded. "She's fine now. Or so I'm told… and watched over like a hawk. That accident was truly an unfortunate happenstance. Everyone had assumed that someone else was watching her, and no one knew she could lift the latch. But her mamier was ill and everyone else had his or her hands full. So now her sire has hired a full time guardian to attend to her, and he has given me leave to eat here free, whenever I wish." His smile widened as I followed his words.

"You mean he owns this establishment? Lyssan, that's a gratuity! You know we're not allowed to accept them!" I stammered as I hastily wiped my fingers on the hem of my robe and readied myself to run. I had been in far too much trouble of late to be caught in such a situation as this.

Alysian chuckled deep in his throat, a deep rich warm sounding laugh that normally had a way of turning my insides to mush, but this time I was too concerned to react.

Reaching out, he snared my arm and pulled me down to the ground with a surprisingly firm grip. "Only if we profit from it... and that, my dear, is a direct quote from Andris, himself." He replied with a grin to ease my fears.

"You have nothing to worry about, Kieriu, nothing at all, for when he first offered I said no, exactly as we are taught to do. In fact I said no so often, I was beginning to feel as though I was one of those strange little mockingbirds that inhabit the Kepo Fens. But he was so insistent and he kept right on offering it to me no matter what manner of reply I gave, that I finally brought the matter up to Andris and the board and left it to their discretion. For there have been exceptions, you know, and very little to be made in the filling of one's stomach. Anyway, to make a long story short, Andris said that as long as I did not make it a habit of eating here every day of the stretch and took another with me whenever I went, he could see no problem in it what-so-ever. Of course, HE had to be the first one I brought and once he saw the place, he made me promise to order only from the general menu. But, as you can see, even that is a cut above the rest."

He blissfully rolled another dainty mouthful of custard around on his tongue and sighed with delight, for if there was anything Alysian loved, it was sweets. He looked so contented, so mischievous, like a pampered kitten caught with its nose stuck in the cream, that I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing out loud. But I could see trouble looming on the horizon, for Lyss had a rather sensitive stomach. Because of this he was unusually careful about the food he ate, filling himself with fruits, vegetables and very little red meat, avoiding the richer foods altogether, indulging in his vices only on the rare occasional holiday. Which was an easy enough thing to do in the Hall where the food was plentiful and filling, but generally on the bland side. Only now he had a source of temptation that would be difficult to resist.

"Keep that up and you'll get fat." I warned with a thin knowing smile. To which he stuck out his tongue and laughed.

"Perhaps... perhaps...But I don't think you really need to worry overmuch about that, for the first time I ate here, I got terribly sick, much to the chagrin of Garret and his cook, who simply could not understand why I couldn't eat his food. But we've learned since that it wasn't so much how much I ate, as it was what I ate, that was the problem, so now I'm extremely careful in the things I select. I have an agreement with the cook, who was all ears once he realized what my problem was, and he gives me child sized servings, so I can afford to be choosy without feeling as though I'm impinging upon his master's generosity. How was the egg?"

"It was definitely eggy." I retorted with an air of feigned superiority and we both had a good laugh at that. But then we sobered, almost instantly, for the time for levity had passed. Alysian had brought me there for a reason and he was not about to pass it up. I knew this. He knew this. And suddenly my appetite vanished.

Because that was the trouble with Alysian, Alysian, my longtime friend and onetime lover, was never far away. He was willing to be there for me whenever I had need of him, but then so was Alysian the healer and spiritual confidant. If you wanted the one, you dealt with both, for there was no true separation between the two. I stuck a fork into a meat roll and moved it onto my plate, but it was only a ruse, a play for time. I would not have been able to eat it had I wanted to.

"Well now, we could play twenty questions while you savage that roll a bit more, or you could put it aside and begin on your own." He said with quiet determination after giving me an unusually short time to compose my thoughts.

I flashed him my dirtiest look, but he wasn't fazed in the least. "Where would you like me to start?" I asked taking a deep breath and letting it out in a slow ragged sigh.

He gave me a thin grin and reaching out across the table took my hand in his, interlacing my fingers tightly within his own.  "Keri, you're a mess… a bona fide mess. And I mean it. If you show up at the clinic as you are now, you're going to be put on report, and you can't afford that, not after what happened the last time. Not after the dressing down you got yesterday. Andris won't be allowed to overlook it. So get it out... talk to me. What happened last night? Did someone you hate make a pass you couldn't refuse? Steal your date? What?" He meant the last as a joke, but it fell rather flat.  For in a perverse way, it was just too damn close to the truth.

I gave a short bitter bark of laughter and closed my eyes not knowing what to say. So he gave my hand an encouraging squeeze and waited, with patience I could only mimic but never fully call my own.

"I met someone last night." I said after a time. Something in my voice must have frightened him, for his grip tightened until it bordered upon the edge of pain, but he did not let go and I did not pull away.

"Anyone I know?" He asked in a low concerned voice.

I shook my head. "Personally, no. Though I am certain you've heard of him."

"Ah, a man then." He said and the concern in his voice lifted almost instantly.

I shook my head no, opened my eyes and looked him straight in the eyes. I tried to tell him without words how much he meant to me, how much I cared for him. I tried to explain, tried to express how badly I felt, that although it was over I would always care, but from the expression on his face, he already knew. He didn't like it, but he knew. Alysian was a very astute individual and no fool. The love we had once shared had been special, but it had never been real, at least not for me. No fem could fill the emptiness that lurked inside; no fem could stir my blood. And now when I think back upon it, that's probably why he chose to go that route in the first place. Not intentionally, of course. Alysian would never have done that. Alysian loved me too much for that. But life with one such as I would have been far too intense, and Lyss needed a stability he'd never had found at my side. We had been lovers for a very long time, but we were grown-ups now and it was time for us to put away our toys.

"No, no man." I said carefully, trying to frame my situation with as much delicacy as possible. "Actually... he's a dual, kind of like you... well, no, not exactly like you. I... I guess you could say he's more balanced, or about as balanced as any dual can be....  I mean... Sweet Lady!  Hell! Truth is, Lyss, I... I'm not really sure what his leaning is. Male, fem, I just don't know! And... And… either way, it doesn't matter... He's the one, Lyss.  He's the one."

Alysian's face paled to the color of chalk, but I had to give him credit, he did not falter.  "The one what, Kieriu?" He begged in a breathless whisper.

"My other half."  I whispered back and as I did, I knew it was the truth.  I shrugged and tried to laugh.  "My swedh, I think.  Perhaps more.  Aiee!  I don't really know... it... it all happened so fast. We touched and something flared inside.  It was over in an instant, and I've been avoiding him like the plague ever since, but he's still there.  I can feel him.  I can't explain it... I don't know how to explain it... I don't know if I want to explain it... it just happened and now he's there...  I've tried everything I can think of to block him out, but I can't.  I've found that I can thin the connection down, thin it out until it's the barest of whispers, but I can't erase it.  I don't know how.... I could be imagining things, but I really don't think so.  I... I've never felt like this before and I'm scared, Lyss.  I'm well and truly scared.  He terrifies me."

Alysian inhaled sharply at that, and then much to my relief, he laughed out loud with soft unmistakable joy.  "Ah, Kieran…. Kieran, Kieran, what am I to do with you?  Lady above!  I swear, only you could make an issue out of finding your swedh.  Please, tell me... don't leave me in suspense.  Who is he?  What's his name?  And what did he say when it happened?  Is he a friend? Did you know him before this, or was he some tall, dark and mysterious stranger?"  And again His words left me cold, but I pretended not to care.  If he was willing to accept the inevitable with grace, so would I.

"Oh he is a stranger, a right, and his hair is black like mine, but his eyes are so bright, so green, I'd find it hard to call him dark.  And he is tall, as tall as I am anyway.  So I'll never get kink in my neck where he is concerned.  That is, if he'll let me anywhere near him."

Alysian was openly puzzled.  "What do you mean by that?  Let you near?  Keiran, this is your swedh you're talking about.  Not some ignorant highbrow nobleman who can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.  I know you and no man who bonds to you could ever be that troublesome.  Swedhs have to be compatible."

I tried to smile, but failed miserably.  "Up to a point, my love... up to a point, and you've never met Cordelain."  I added the last in a low soft under voice, more for myself than he, but his gasp told me that I would have been better to hold my tongue.  I should have known.  The name was not at all common.  In fact there was but one adult in all of Amberdale who bore it, one full grown adult and an untold number of younglings, so it was fairly obvious whom I meant.

"Cordelain?  The Cordelain?  Your swedh is Cordelain?"  He stammered out loud in numb astonishment.  When I grimly nodded my reply, he let out a low soft whistle. "Aiee!  Kieriu!  I swear... I swear in all of your life, you have never done anything, not one single solitary thing in moderation and this just proves it.  You're completely sure about this?" He demanded once again as he ran his free hand through his hair, dislodging it completely from its tail, which showed just how upset he was.  Alysian can be rather vain about his appearance, but I had distracted him completely.

I nodded once more and attempted to take a bite of my much abused meat roll, but it sat like sawdust in my mouth, so with a heavy-hearted sigh, I tastefully spat it out into my napkin.  "Aye, I'm sure.  I mean... we didn't talk or anything like that.  In the press of things, we got separated instantly and he was buried alive in a press of flesh.  He couldn't get away from them.  Goddess! Lyss! It was horrible.  All those people slavering over him, all of them so obscenely eager to see if those over-rated rumors concerning his lifestyle are true….  I don't know how he deals with it... but I'm sure, Lyss, I'm well and truly sure."  I pulled myself free of his grip, then folded my hands in my lap and studied my fingertips carefully as I continued.

I couldn't face him anymore, could not look him in the eye.  For Alysian this was great news and he was a excited bundle of nerves, all eager and happy for me, his friend.  All my life I had been forced to live on the leavings of others, second hand clothes, second hand shoes, second hand lovers, never had I had anything of value for myself, and now, as far as he was concerned, I was getting the best, the very best.  But I was unsure and worried; concerned that he did not truly understand the magnitude of my dilemma.  Alysian knew about most of my troubles, but he did know them all.  There were things I did not talk about, not even to him.

"I spent the entire night hiding in the shadows, watching him, trying to figure out why he was so damned attractive, why he drew me as he did, and he kept finding me with his eyes.  Everywhere I went, I found him looking my way, even when I knew he could not see me.  It was uncanny, really.  I mean I should have known what was happening, but it was as though my mind had been sucked clear away.  I couldn't think.  All I could do was react.  All night long all I did was follow him around like a lovesick puppy, but nothing clicked into place until this morning.  I don't know how I missed it... it was a clear, cut and dry, textbook reaction.  But I did.  I swear... Andris is going to laugh himself silly over this one.  As for how it happened, I really don't know.  I'm not so sure I ever will.  So all I can tell you is this, ducha, all those tales about swedhship, about how mysterious and awesome it is, are true.  You simply cannot put a definition to it.  It is... that's all.  It is.  All I can say is that when his hand touched mine, we... we clicked.  Some kind of channel opened between us.  But don't ask me to describe it, I can't, it's like... like he is there with me, even now when he's not.  I can feel him hovering at the edges of my mind, waiting... waiting... waiting....  And then earlier today, while I was waiting for you to show you face, there was a time when I thought I was going to go mad.

"I was suddenly bombarded by the oddest sensation, a rush of adrenalin so strong, followed by a sense of falling so real that I had to clutch the side of the bed to remind myself that I was sitting down.  And when it was over, my head was hurting so bad, that if I had anything in my stomach I would have lost it surely.  Even now it pounds in the weirdest way.  It like a headache, only it isn't real.  I mean it's... it's like an echo, real but not real.  You hear it but it has no substance, you can't locate its source.  Only it's not my headache.  I... I think it's his.  It comes and goes.  One minute it's here, the next it's gone.  It drifts in and out.  Sometimes it's strong enough to make me weep, but then just as I get worried, it fades.  I didn't see him drink anything last night, but I left rather early.  So he could be having one hell of a hangover.  Then again, maybe he fell down the stairs somewhere.  I... I just don't know.  Nothing is clear.  But whatever his problem is, it's got to be a doozey.  And I... I don't know what to do.  Should I be tracking him down, to see what's wrong?  Should I wait to see what happens?  What?   I... I just don't know!"

Alysian sucked in his lower lip and gnawed at it thoughtfully.  "Could it be his flux?"  He saw something in my face, fear perhaps, and rushed to add.  "I mean, most people find their swedhs when one or the other is ready to blow, which means one of you is most likely ripe.  So perhaps he's the one.  Have you had any problems of your own?  Dizzy spells?  Strange fluctuations in your talent?  Anything like that at all?"

I shook my head and held out my hand, which was a rather foolish thing to do, for it was shaking like a leaf.  "B..barring this... I'm as steady as a rock... psychically that is.  But, damn, if you monitored me, well, that's another story altogether.  I'm afraid, Lyss.  Terrified.  I don't know what's going on.  And I don't know if it's him or me, but just being around him gives me the willies.  Just the thought of being in the same room with him has me climbing the wall.  Because I want him like I've never wanted anyone before and it is scaring me silly.

"Still, you are right, if I show up for work like I am, I'm canned for sure. But I can't not show, either, after last night.  I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, and there's not a single thing I can do except work my way through it.  Hell, I don't even know where he's staying, so I couldn't go to him, even if I wished, and I doubt that there'll be anyone who'd want to tell me, who'd even believe my story, if I told it.  Listen, I... I've got to get back.  Like you said, I'm on duty.  Maybe if I go in early, if I'm careful, I can get centered.  I've always done my best problem solving, when I'm able to keep my hands busy.  If I keep to myself and don't talk too much, perhaps... perhaps no one will notice."  I stood up and extended my hand.  I was still hungry and our elegant lunch was in ruins, but I really did need to go.

Alysian took it, studied it closely for a few moments, running his thumb across its back as if he was seeing it for the very first time, then he allowed me to pull him to his feet.  "Do you think that's wise?  Working, that is?  I mean if it is flux, you might be inviting trouble."  He asked with obvious concern as he bent to brush the leaves from his robe.

I shrugged.  For with me that was a rather moot question as my work was always closely monitored.  The strength of my talent was such that this was a necessary precaution, no matter the course, though it had never faltered that I knew of.  Still, I understood Alysian's concerns, for if ever it did, only the Lady knew what would happen, because I worked on the cellular level.  I didn't just urge the tissues to heal, I moved them, sculpted them, trained them to my will.  This was no mean feat. It took total concentration on my part for me to do my work, and I was known to work long past the time when I should have stopped, oblivious to the demands and needs of my own flesh and blood.  Thus I needed a monitor, someone who could read those signs and pull me back unto myself before I went too far.  Until I fluxed, perhaps even long afterwards, perhaps forever, I would need someone there, looking over my shoulder, to safeguard not only my patient but also myself from harm.

"Does it matter?"  I asked as I pulled a bit of leather from my sleeve and gathered my mop back into a haphazard tail.

Alysian frowned, then motioned for me to turn around and kneel.  He quickly tore the tie free and re-braided it into a more suitable club.  "I don't know, Keiran I still think you need to tell Andris first.  Get his input on the matter, whatever.  I really don't want anything to happen to you or anyone else for that matter."

I chuckled softly as I stood.  "I'll be careful, little bird.  I will.  I tell you what... at the first sign of dizziness or wavering... whatever... at the very first sign, I'll claim to be indisposed and go seek him out.  Will that suit your uneasy disposition?"
Alysian swatted at my arm and growled.  "No, but I should know by now that you won't listen... you never do.  Want me to walk back with you?"

I thought about it and nodded.  I still did not want to meet up with Cordelain alone, and perhaps, if he saw me with Alysian, he would stay clear thinking we were a pair, which in many ways, we were. Just because we could no longer pair didn't mean we no longer care for one another. Either way, if he did appear, I wouldn't have to face him on my own.

Alysian seemed to have caught the drift of my thoughts, for he suddenly gave a short bitter laugh.  "You will have to face him sooner or later, Keiran. Hiding isn't going to change a thing, especially if what happened last night is exactly what you think.  One of you has to be approaching a surge."

I draped an arm across his shoulder and pulled him close as we walked down the garden path and out into the street.  "Lyss, let it be, please."  I begged as he fell into step and slipped an arm about my waist.  "I don't need a lecture right now, really I don't."