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Teague-Drydan — Prompt: I want to keep you like an oath.
Published: 2015-01-24 01:50:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 158; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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Description This burning in my heart, I must hold you close.
I need to keep you near to me,
in case my longing grows too much
I cannot bear to lose you.

You soul and mine are twined
too tight to make heads and tails
of either.  Your breath my music;
without your voice, I'd pine.

I want to keep you like an oath,
tightly bound to me. For then I cannot
loose you, and can keep my memories.

I need to keep you like an oath,
for my sake, but yours as well.
Our fates are twisted into one,
though, two hearts we can boast.

But, as much as I need you near,
I know I must let you go.  
To keep you close would only
smother the one I hold too dear.

The tears I shed do bitter fall,
as I watch you go.  My heart,
it breaks apart, a tearing of my soul.

And then, in glee, I see you run
to me as you, too, feel
the tearing of soul and breaking heart
as we again are whole.
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Comments: 7

Master-Tonio [2015-04-12 06:39:45 +0000 UTC]

The poem sounds a little pathetic - i.e. a little too bluntly sentimental and dramatic.

I do adore that line which you bring up a couple of times, also in the title.

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Teague-Drydan In reply to Master-Tonio [2015-05-01 22:21:19 +0000 UTC]

Thanks

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wizemanbob [2015-02-06 18:40:53 +0000 UTC]

I like it. The structure you use is a nice pacing. I've yet to find a way to do that in my own verses.

A couple small typos; notedly s4l3 "[Out] fates are twisted" should likely be [Our] and s5l1 "But, [a] much as" should likely be [as]. Also, you use "loose" a couple times where it feels like "lose" might fit interchangeably if not a bit more easily. Is that for style?

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Teague-Drydan In reply to wizemanbob [2015-03-06 02:21:59 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for pointing those errors out..... I get confused with "loose"/"lose" way too often -.- The others were mostly jut typos.

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Teague-Drydan In reply to wizemanbob [2015-02-06 23:01:50 +0000 UTC]

Those errors were prolly due to my own typing & the fact that I still confuse lose & loose all the time -.- It's rather embarrassing.

Thanks for pointing them out; I'll fix them the next time I'm procrastinating.

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wizemanbob In reply to Teague-Drydan [2015-02-07 00:13:24 +0000 UTC]

Don't worry much about the lose/loose bit. It seems to be super common. I don't see it, but my brain is wrinkled backwards.

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Teague-Drydan In reply to wizemanbob [2015-02-07 15:15:53 +0000 UTC]

I think it has to do with how close they sound--& it's only a difference of 1 letter?

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