invaderzimbabe14 [2011-01-20 16:44:41 +0000 UTC]

Idk why put when I read this poem it made me think of Phantom of the Opera, wonderful poem btw

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Reanimated4now [2010-04-17 18:03:31 +0000 UTC]

whoosh here you go, sorry I jumped all over it and went crazy. Just curious, did you write this in[hungarian?] first and then translate it over?

There are definitely some great ideas sprouting in the piece. I especially like the "Only the rest of the world is on the bill/ If paying you avoid the horror the thrill." Undeniably a lot of good things throughout this piece.



Try to avoid using 'it' where you can, many times 'it' serves as an easy insertion when if you take a little longer to think about another way of referring to whatever the subject is you could come up with a better term. Other times you might look back and see that 'it' is just sort of an unnecessary reiteration (referring back to) of something that the reader already knows you are talking about.

Sort of like if I said, "Balazs is a writer, Balazs specializes in poetry composition." when I could have said "Balazs is a writer, he specializes in poetry." or even totally eliminate the extra word there all together. "Balazs is a writer specializing in poetry."

The same goes for the word 'you' I noticed it was used a LOT throughout the piece, many of them make me sort of think (okay I know this is addressed to me as the reader but you don't have to say you again because it was just in the last line and again two lines before that).

Spelling and grammar errors in the original piece above I'll just go through for you by stanzas.

1: thurst->thirst
2: carved -> did you mean to put crave/craved?
3: slains -> in english slain can refer to a plural so you would leave off the s on the end and just put 'slain'
5: 'All you have to do is being alone' - I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, maybe if you could lay it out in more words I can help find a way to say it in english clearer, 'to do' doesn't match with 'being' as far as tenses go, you would either match to do with be 'all you have to do is be alone' or take out to do 'all you have is being alone.' That's probably not what you were shooting for but I can't be sure what you were trying to say just by reading the stanza through. Be glad to help any way I can.

I feel like if you're going for a sort of aabb fixed rhyme scheme in your stanzas there is definitely a better synonym for casting away then 'shun' or another way you could find to fit that feeling which would adhere with the rhyme of the previous line.

I went through and redid a few lines maybe there is something you can use or that will set your creative gears to turning. Put an asterisk by anything that changed at all

hope your day's going good bru

Nick



*Step to the mirror, do you yearn?
Do you dare to see the anger the thirst?
*Yes, this the monster, what will be shown.
*Is something you can never shun.

Yes, those are the marks you know quite well,
The signs of your sins all the bloodsheds.
Above them how regretful you stood!
*Even then craved more innocent blood.

But if you don't look at the mirror,
You can't see all this thrill this horror.
Then why? Why the trouble? Why the pain?
*Why to see the marks of your slain?

Just close your eyes, lock all the doors.
*Within your soul create a world
*One filled with joy, beauty and grace,
*Where blood never sprinkles your face.

Only the rest of the world is on the bill,
*If paying you avoid the horror the thrill.
*All you have to do is being alone.
So close the door and break the mirror.

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Isilenarles [2009-05-04 08:54:59 +0000 UTC]

I guess that this one is to be linked with the thought that you depicted in your last letter - about a world of fantasy created in your own mind in order to run away from the real, disturbing world.
It is a little shame that the rhymes are not perfect, but I have the great difficulty trying to write poetry in English so I will not be critical on that point
Maybe you should add more punctuation. What do you think of this ? It would help the reading of the poem and its clarity.

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