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AK-Is-Harmless In reply to CuteCArtsy [2019-08-16 11:14:15 +0000 UTC]

An all-too familiar feeling.

---AK

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whuh In reply to ogDaveTheSodaGuy [2019-08-15 02:10:06 +0000 UTC]

it's not just men who experience things like this.
speaking from experience, here.
from what i have gathered from the things dirk has posted, he's definitely not looking for pity. i'm not sure if that's what you were inferring, but in case you were, i think it's the opposite. when he posts things like this, it's always ALWAYS lacking a description, i have never once seen him actually specify what happened and who he lost. i believe this is his way of coping with what happened.
from what i have seen, i assume this is a longtime girlfriend. i believe you can see her "silhouette" just to the left of the word "toxic", it appears to be a woman's face... just, missing the face part (i've assumed this to be symbolic of his loss, but i am just assuming here.) when someone you care about says these things about you, they stick with you for a long time. bounce around in your head and repeat themselves in their voice. over and over. rumination. not a good habit to have, but one that's extremely hard to get out of.

jessica.




and so then, the reason i'm here writing this, is that i feel a kind of unspoken connection to this person's art, but only recently. actually, around the same time he started posting art that made people wonder what was happening, was the same time my life changed forever, as well. it's so much more than just "society's war on men" ... love is unpredictable ... you can't force someone to do something that they don't want to, and you can't force them to be with someone that they don't want to be with. that's the sad fact of life. sometimes, things end better than other times. sometimes, things end horribly, with lies, betrayal, and worst of all, the person who claimed that they cared about you the most, actually don't care at all, and could have been lying to you the entire time (at least mine was lying to me! lucky me.)

i also spent christmas alone in 2017... and every christmas since then.

dirk if you ever happen to read this. i'm sorry for the assumptions and i never said anything like this directly to you, and i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i didn't want to bother you with it, but in a way you're certainly helping me through my own stresses.

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Liketheisland In reply to whuh [2019-08-17 23:45:05 +0000 UTC]

Well put. It did seem pretty clear that he made all the vent art to cope with a painful breakup, and I'm glad it's helping you in some way. That said, it concerns me a bit that he's put out SO MUCH of it in a short time period. A little vent art is fine, everyone has their own methods to deal with grief, do what ya gotta do. But when there's a TON of this dark, sad stuff with no description, and the artist won't answer people who ask if he's okay, that raises some flags. It doesn't seem healthy to leave one's emotional well-being in the hands of untrained strangers, most of whom are hundreds to thousands of miles away. If (God forbid) he actually tries something, we can't be there to help him, and it's that sense of mass powerlessness that gets to me. You can't stop a train wreck from the outside. All you can do is watch in horror. 

Dave up there has a point: If Dirk's not getting professional assistance, he needs to immediately. Kind words are nice in the short term, but they don't address the root of the problem. So Dirk, if you're reading this:

Please.

Get.

Help.

PS, to potentially make everyone here feel better, I'm 28 and have never had a romantic partner. Sure, I'm asexual and picky as all hell, but still, here I am livin' it up. I'm that cheeky so-and-so who went to senior prom alone, had tons of fun, and looked amazing doing it. You don't need to be one half of a couple to lead a fulfilling life. You can be a complete and interesting person on your own, like this Squirtle here.  Your relationship status does not define you, and it's much better to be single than with the wrong person.   

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whuh In reply to Liketheisland [2019-08-19 19:46:22 +0000 UTC]

i'm not one to tell people to not recommend professional help, but i don't think it's actually necessary in this situation. it'd make sense if you were posting this on something related to him either contemplating suicide (which i don't think he is) or doing hard drugs in order to cope THEN i could understand begging him to get help - but he's NOT doing that. he's coping by drawing. it's not "such a short time" it's been over the span of 2 years now. i would know because i've followed it incredibly closely as you can tell by my previous comment.

and the reason i'm replying to your comment specifically is to try to explain something to you. it's perfectly fine to be asexual and never be in a relationship ever, that's your choice. never once did dirk claim that his relationship status defined him, and neither did i. what i experienced was something similar to the "death" of the person i cared most about in the world... while he didn't actually die, he's not actually the person that i thought that i knew for 3 1/2 years. he's a completely different person, in fact. the person that i was in love with never even existed. for 3 1/2 years i spent every day with him, laughing with him, LIVING LIFE with him. and suddenly one day ..he was gone forever. as if he had died. something broke inside of me.

i began grieving as if a loved one had died. essentially, that IS exactly what happened. i'm no longer able to talk to him (because i cannot trust anything he says, AND the girl he cheated on me with is a fucking psycho and flips the fuck out if she even hears mention of my name ofc) so it was as if one day the line of communication was cut forever and the person that i loved so much, and cared so much about, did so many things for, was suddenly fucking gone. i was alone.

he never "defined" me. i loved him. with all of my heart. he was my first, so of course those feelings are going to be exaggerated. and the sense of grief that comes along with losing that is immense, overwhelming, unbearable ...and yet i got through it WITHOUT professional help. when he left, i had literally nothing. i had a computer and a cat.

i still only have those things. except now, i have a new car, a new job, and a new apartment. and yet, here i am, while typing this, crying and thinking of him and wishing that i could talk to him. the feeling stays with you, no matter what you do. you instead try to find healthy ways to cope with it, which is exactly what dirk is doing. we don't even know if he IS seeing professional help, have you ever stopped to think you should ASK him if he's seeing a therapist? or maybe, give him space, because that's what it seems like he wants? he's regularly posting amazing art, that is not all gloom and doom, and occasionally will have a vent piece to help him cope with mental trauma. i see absolutely nothing wrong with this and it confuses me as to why people think it's so important to shove therapy in his face... it's not ALWAYS needed. however i am going to end this in the same way i started it which is, i am not telling you to stop recommending help to people, but perhaps you should go about it in a less "i know everything about your situation" way, especially considering the fact that you've never had to deal with losing an intimate partner for one reason or another. you simply don't understand what it's like.

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Liketheisland In reply to whuh [2019-08-23 01:33:10 +0000 UTC]

 I never assumed he wasn't getting help; I said IF he isn't, he should. And if he wanted space, wouldn't it make more sense to take a break from the internet entirely? Just be alone for a while? Sure, the vent art has tapered off a ton, but the fact that it continues to endure for nearly two years is troubling. I've watched this guy for nearly as long as he's been on the site, and to my recollection, the vent-posting only occurred after he left DA, came back, and wouldn't say why either time (though it became apparent pretty quickly). No, I don't know everything about his situation; in fact none of us know much of anything because he doesn't talk about it despite drawing attention to it. That's why literally all we can do is speculate. It's like vaguebooking, where someone really wants you to know they're hurting, but won't say what's wrong. Basically, "I won't let you know what you can do to help other than validate me." Not only is seeking self-worth from external sources unhealthy for the person in question, but it manipulates the emotions of people who care about them. Obviously that manipulation is rarely the intent, but if someone's so afraid to fully trust those they surround themselves with, they have much deeper problems than feeling down (and this is coming from someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past). It's to the point where I'd feel like an enabler if I added more well-wishes to the pile here, rather than provide concrete solutions. Maybe our boy needs them, maybe he doesn't (I pray he never needs the suicide hotline). But at least he has those options open.

And y'know... I was just waiting for the classic "you don't know what it's like" comment. I hoped it wouldn't come, but lo and behold, it did. So, placing that sentiment in the context of your story, what exactly is it that I wouldn't understand? Loss? Betrayal? Fucking psychos? It's funny how our culture treats the loss of a romantic partner as SO MUCH WORSE than the loss of a friend or family member, as if those relationships are less important. Maybe it’s because we’re socialized to dump all our deepest thoughts, emotions, and regrets onto our partners, like they’re human diaries. This attaches more value to them, and we can’t bring ourselves to enjoy that kind of intimacy with trusted family or friends, because reasons. There’s such an imbalance there. As a result, you get people who start hanging out with only their S.O., as if that's the only type of relationship that requires work or even matters. Perhaps if we didn't foist such a disproportionate amount of energy onto our romances, the pain wouldn't be so excruciating when they end. Just something to think about.

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whuh In reply to Liketheisland [2019-08-24 01:46:57 +0000 UTC]

IMPORTANT EDIT!: dirk DID INDEED take a break from the internet. i will reiterate what i said at the very end of this comment and shame you again for judging how he decides to use his platform and his art to cope with what has happened to him. invalidating someone's experience by saying things like we're downplaying other types of relationships by being sad about losing a partner is really freaking toxic actually.

until you're intimate with someone, you do not know what it's like to lose someone like that. period. never once did i say that it was "SO MUCH WORSE" than losing a family member, it's something that's on a completely different level. this was the first person that'd ever seen me in my most vulnerable state (naked) and accepted me for who i was (at least i thought so). you can't have this with family or friends. having "friends with benefits" doesn't necessarily count either, there's no feelings of being IN LOVE there. and there IS a difference between loving someone, and being IN LOVE with someone. and love isn't logical, it does things to a person, rewires the brain and makes you do stupid stuff. again, if you are asexual, how could you know what this is like, since you've never experienced this feeling before? much assuming is happening here.

being able to share a bond with a specific person who promises to only have that bond with you is something that ABSOLUTELY IS on a different level than a mother-daughter, father-daughter, friend-friend, etc basis. and yes, for most people, sexual intimacy is a bonding process through which they will get attached to the person they've been intimate with, unless something is wrong with the chemicals in their brain. there is science behind it. being asexual isn't "normal", there is something "wrong" with the chemicals of the brain, meaning that all mammals, including humans, have sexual urges in order to reproduce, because that is how we further our bloodlines. somewhere along the way, our complex brains and emotional development lead us to being largely monogamous and becoming very attached to the people who accept us at our most open and vulnerable. and yes i still hold the belief you have no idea what this is like to lose someone like this and it's extremely similar to losing a very close family member, it's just on a different emotional level. the two can't easily be compared. apples to oranges.

essentially you're telling humans who are COMPELLED BY NATURE to form monogamous relationships to "not worry about it so much!" because "i'm asexual and i'm as happy as can be, you can just ignore those feelings right?? i don't have those feelings and have never experienced them, but it's not so bad... right???"

and you judging how dirk is coping with the trauma he's endured is not very tolerant of you. it's not your place to shove therapy in his face, and it's not mine either. you should just keep that to yourself, if he wants help, he will reach out for it, there's NOTHING wrong with him using HIS platform to post art that he makes, emotional or not. thank you.

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Liketheisland In reply to whuh [2019-08-28 04:59:23 +0000 UTC]

...Whew, okay, lots to unpack.

First off, no one's telling anyone to ignore romantic feelings, or that they shouldn't be sad in the fallout from a breakup. To be clear, I only said I was asexual, not aromantic. It's just that I don't have quite the same motivation to pair up that an allosexual person would have (of course there are other factors like the aforementioned pickiness and prioritizing my work, but the asexuality is a big one. It's also a dealbreaker for some people, which, y'know, limits the prospects). The one time I considered myself traditionally "in love", I realized I could die without ever having sex with or even dating this one particular person, and be utterly fine with it. Sure, a romantic relationship would've been preferable, but all I really wanted was to have him in my life. If he's happy, I'm happy. There's a huge difference between sexual and romantic attraction, and an even bigger difference between ANY type of attraction and real love. Attraction motivates various degrees of selfishness, while love motivates sacrifice and generosity. It's important to make that distinction, as well as have a balance of both in any relationship (the famous "give and take" we always hear about. Love gives; attraction takes. If one person has much more love or attraction for the other than vice versa, some rough shit's ahead).  

That said, I maintain that it is possible to be open and vulnerable with people other than your partner, which our culture seems to have forgotten, at the cost of, again, people investing way too much into their romances instead of cultivating a balance between all their relationships. We've all had that friend who isolates themselves from others just to hang out with their partner, as if their world revolves around them. Obviously it's great to spend quality time with a loved one, but too much time spent with one person can get draining and restrictive. If you want to talk about humans as a species, we're social creatures, meaning we need variety in our interactions. When we don't get that variety, we clutch to anything we can get, grow addicted in a way, then nosedive into withdrawal when that source of interaction is taken from us. This is precisely why abusers deter us from seeing friends and family: They need us to fully depend on them and their approval, while blocking out those who'd want to give us our energy and self-esteem back (source: Personal experience, unfortunately). I'm not saying any of that happened with you or Dirk, but it might be beneficial to study similar situations and identify the underlying causes of their outcomes.  

Also, romantic relationships take many forms that don't fit society's sexually-active, monogamous ideal. If a couple chooses not to have sex, are any less in love than a couple who does it on the daily? If one or both partners in a couple physically CAN'T have sex, does that make their relationship a sham? There are people in open or polyamorous relationships who are totally cool with their partners not being exclusive; does that make their love any less real? I'm curious as to what your definition of "love" actually is. (And I might as well direct you here  while I'm at it, since something tells me you need a refresher.)

Finally, I want to reiterate that this is all coming from a place of concern and desire to help. I'd argue that others' personal lives are generally no one's business, but when they publicly allude to personal stuff, it becomes the viewers' business, especially if they care about the person. It reaches a point where innocent bystanders become participants in this person's life whether they want to or not, and as the situation persists, it gets progressively harder to shake. Which of these sounds like the more effective option to help a struggling friend: saying the same stuff a million others have said (with little to no impact), or getting to the heart of the matter with brutal honesty? This is exactly what interventions are for. The vent art was understandable (hell, expected) in the beginning, but with every new piece, the more I wonder if this coping strategy accomplishes anything but drawing more attention to the problem. Yes, it's tapered off, but is that an effect of the vent art itself, or some other factor? Maybe both? Has the vent art truly helped at all? If he hasn't done so already, what's the harm in getting a take from someone who knows what they're talking about? And sure, there's a distinct possibility that this is a "me" thing; that it's in my nature to be a fixer who denies there are some things I just can't fix. But apart from sending generic thoughts and prayers, the VERY least anyone can do is bring forth the option of alternative outlets, because just like our social lives, our methods of grappling with hardship need variety as well.

I've used this word a lot, but it bears repeating: Balance. That's what this all boils down to. We need balance between ourselves and partners, between EVERY ONE of our relationships, and between one coping tactic and another (or two, or three). There's a lot to process here, and I'm aware this is an emotionally-charged, personal subject. So I completely understand if you need time away from this conversation to think and breathe. No objections here.

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whuh In reply to Liketheisland [2019-09-04 14:31:48 +0000 UTC]

it appears he was seeking help.
perhaps comments like your's did indeed push him to do so.
i hope it helps him, and would like to retract specifically what i said about holding back recommendations of getting help. keep doing your thing.

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whuh In reply to Liketheisland [2019-08-30 20:27:06 +0000 UTC]

i'm going to simply reiterate here: 
you don't know.
you simply don't. /shrug
what you type here leads me to believe you don't understand it, and you potentially never will. which is fine.
what you're saying is by no means illogical. everyone has access to the information you've posted here, everyone knows the detrimental affects of only hanging out with one person, but that is precisely how being in love with someone works. you cannot apply logic to something that is entirely illogical. it doesn't work like that. sorry.
here's a little post that i think may help better understand why i think it's not such a great idea to piggyback off of a comment that you know got the artist's attention:  imgur.com/gallery/Pm9ndZ3

it's honestly a fantastic explanation of grief in and of itself - simply interacting with more human beings isn't going to lessen your grief by any means. i tried that. i had plenty of friends while dating him. i talked to them frequently. he was the one who i felt i could trust the most. just because you believe i should trust other people equally does not mean that my brain will comprehend that, and doesn't mean that i agree with you. it's just not how my brain works, especially not when i'm in love. and i'm sure the same is true for other people.

dirk is dealing with his grief. dirk is using his platform to post ART, REGARDLESS of the content. . . he is posting ART to an ARTSITE. just because he has an audience doesn't mean he's trying to rope them into it. some of the greatest art in the world has come from very, very dark places. i find nothing wrong with asking if he is okay, but if he doesn't choose to reply, i don't see a reason to push the matter. i asked him in the beginning, when it was obvious he didn't want to speak of it, i left it alone and speculated in my own time. i simply disagree with what you've said here and think it'd be better left alone. if he wants help, he will ask for it. and likely not from his internet audience.

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LittleMissDevil21 In reply to whuh [2019-08-15 17:30:56 +0000 UTC]

I was kinda putting the pieces together over time, and also came to this conclusion.

Damn, I was right.

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5kmoe In reply to whuh [2019-08-15 14:31:52 +0000 UTC]

Sorry to hear about your troubles (and Dirk's), but thanks for the in-depth analysis.

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Themrock In reply to whuh [2019-08-15 09:30:42 +0000 UTC]

You sadly nailed it.

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