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Threadbare South Park: Valentine's Day Special
"Dating: It's a Process"
Contest Entry Version

To ze lovely readers from the Kyle Broflovski Fan Club:
This is (obviously) an entry for the Valentine's Day contest. The story is set when the kids are in the fourth grade. I feel I must warn you about something: this story is an abridged version of an "episode" of my South Park fanfiction series, and it centers around Kyle and an original character. Now, I can see the wincing and cringing, but bear with me… it isn't as bad as it sounds.
Thank you and enjoy.
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ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE—EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE—ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP.... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
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DATE: JAN. 27 (FRIDAY)
TIME: 09:04 PM
BROLOVSKI RESIDENCE
COUNTDOWN: 18 DAYS

Stan and Charlie sit on the couch in the Broflovskis' living room while Kyle, sits on the floor. They are playing X-Box. Charlie, who was focused intently on the game, suddenly looks startled.

Charlie: Wait--wait, what?! Who's shooting at me?!

Stan (still staring at the television): Your ass is mine, bitch.

Charlie makes a panicky attempt to save her character from a cruel demise at the hands of her foster-brother, but inevitably fails.

Charlie: Ah... oh, no! Goddamn it, Stan! [She tosses down her controller.] Fuck this game.

Stan smirks and looks at his watch.

Stan: Oh crap. I think we'd better go, Charlie. It's getting late. [To Kyle] Bye, dude.

Kyle puts his hat back on and stands up as Stan and Charlie hop off the couch. Stan walks over to the door. Charlie holds her right arm with her left hand and avoids eye contact with the boys.

Stan: Charlie, come on. We need to go.

Charlie glances over at Kyle.

Charlie: Bye, Kyle.

She puts her hat on and begins to follow Stan out the door.

Kyle: Hey, wait!

Charlie: Uh-huh?

Kyle: …Bye.

Charlie (audibly disappointed): Bye.

She walks out the door and catches up with Stan in front of the house. Kyle watches them through the window as they walk down the street. He sighs, then he looks annoyed. He kicks the door.

Kyle: Shit! Shit, shit, fucking shit! I was [kicking the door again] so [again] fucking [again] close!

Gerald hears the noise and walks into the room.

Gerald: Kyle! What are you doing?!

Kyle stops and sighs.

Kyle: Dad, did you ever like a girl, but you were always too scared to actually tell her?

Gerald sits down on the couch and pats the seat beside him.

Gerald: Come here, son.

Kyle hops up onto the couch next to his dad.

Gerald: Kyle, when I was in college, I met a very special woman. She was beautiful, intelligent, sweet… She had everything going for her. I must have walked up to her a thousand times with the intention of asking her out, and every time, I would lose my nerve, have nothing to say, and end up looking like a complete jackass.

Kyle: Let me guess: it was Mom.

Gerald: Let me finish the story, Kyle. So, anyway, while I was still trying to work up the courage to ask this girl on a date, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. I went into that date thinking it would be a complete waste of time, but it wasn't: you see, that date was with your mom.

Kyle: So… Mom wasn't the girl you were talking about before?

Gerald: Huh? Oh, no, that, that was Karen. [He sighs and looks up dreamily.] Oh, Karen.

Kyle: So then what's the point of the story?

Gerald: You see, Kyle, we as men are very proud creatures. We don't take rejection well, and as a result, we often back down from opportunities we see as risks because of our innate fear of failure.

Kyle: …But what does that have to do with anything?

Gerald: The point is, Kyle, [he rests a hand on Kyle's hat] that everything works out for the best.

Kyle (annoyed): …But what does that have to do with anything?

Gerald: Hmm. You know, I don't really remember where I was going with that. [Kyle gets off the sofa and walks away, annoyed.] Kyle? Kyle? Is she Jewish? Kyle?
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DATE: JAN. 31 (TUESDAY)
TIME: 03:14 PM
RETURNING HOME FROM SCHOOL
COUNTDOWN: 15 DAYS

The bus pulls up to the usual stop. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Charlie get off, and it drives away. The kids begin to walk home, and Charlie hurries forward to catch up with Kyle.

Charlie: Hey Kyle?

Kyle: Yeah…?

Charlie (smiling): Do you think we could play later? I saw this cool—

Cartman, who stands behind them, interrupts with a taunt.

Cartman: Kyle and Charlie sittin' in a tree! [They both glare at him.] K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then off come the clothes, then—

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman: Kyle likes Charlie because she's butch, and Charlie likes Kyle because he's effeminate!

Kyle: I SAID SHUT UP, FAT-ASS!

Cartman: It's a match made in heaven!

Kyle lets out a loud groan of irritation.

Charlie: Why do you have to be so mean to Kyle and me?

Cartman: Because I hate you guys, and you're assholes. [He yawns.] Now to head home for some triple-decker pancake surprise…

He walks away. Charlie and Kyle look at each other again.

Charlie: So anyway, do you want to play later at—

Cartman (leaping behind them again): Jew and the Lesbian sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S—

Kyle (extremely annoyed): God, don't you ever shut up?!

Cartman (in a mocking tone): Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh blehhh!

Kyle: Can I even go one day without having to deal with you * [At this point, Cartman begins to talk over him] acting like a fucking asshole every time I try to talk to somebody? Shut up! I said SHUT UP, YOU FAT FUCKING FAGGOT!

*Cartman: Jew and the Lesbo sittin' in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G!

Partway through this argument, Charlie rolls her eyes, sighs, and walks away.

Cartman (reacting to Kyle's final comment): Don't call me a faggot, Kike!

Kyle: Don't call me a kike, fat-ass!

Cartman: Why not? You're Jewish, so you're a kike.

Kyle: That's a racial slur, and I'm not going to stand here and listen to you belittle my people!

Cartman: Well I'm not going to stand here at all! Screw you, Kike; I'm going home!

Cartman stomps away. Kyle glares after him.

Kyle: FAT FAGGOT!

Cartman (shouting back at him): Hook-nose!

Kyle glowers for several seconds as Cartman (presumably) continues walking away.

Kyle: What a fat piece of shit. One of these days I'm gonna—[He suddenly realizes that Charlie has left.]—Ah, crap.
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TIME: 04:02 PM
THE CALL
COUNTDOWN: 15 DAYS

Kyle stands in his kitchen, staring at a telephone. After a few nervous seconds, he sighs and picks it up. He dials a number. It rings a few times, then someone picks up.

Stan: Hello?

Kyle (away from the receiver): Shit.

Stan: Kyle? Is that you?

Kyle: Oh, yeah. Hey, Stan. …What's up?

Stan: Nothing.

There's an awkward pause.

Stan: Hello? What the hell did you call about, Kyle?

Kyle: Uh, did you think I could, uh…

Stan (calling away from the phone): Charlie! It's for you! [To Kyle] There, are you happy? I did half the work for you.

Charlie walks up to Stan, who hands her the phone.

Stan (walking away): It's Kyle. He's acting like a total jackass though, so watch out.

Charlie looks at Stan in confusion as he walks away, then she puts the phone up to her ear.

Charlie: …Hello?

Kyle: Oh. Uh, hi.

Charlie: Is this Kyle?

Kyle: Yeah.

There's a moment of silence.

Charlie: Well, what is it?

Kyle: Um… [He pauses, then puts his hand on his forehead.] Do you want to come over?

Charlie: Now?

Kyle: Uh, I guess, yeah. I mean, if you aren't busy or anything.

Charlie: No, that's okay. Do you want Stan to come too?

Kyle: Uh… I think Stan said he was busy with something.

Charlie: Oh, okay then. Seeya soon.

Kyle hangs up, looking a little freaked out.

Kyle: Fuck!
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TIME: 04:18 PM
BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE
THE AWKWARD PART
COUNTDOWN: 15 DAYS

Charlie (singing to herself): …Well, I taught the weepin' willow how to cry, cry, cry / And I taught the clouds how to cover up a clear blue sky / And the tears I cry for that man [she steps onto the Broflovskis' stoop and rings the doorbell] they're gonna flood you, Big River! / And I'm-a gonna sit right here until I die! / I met him accidentally [Kyle opens the door] in St. Paul, Minnesota! [Speaking] Hi, Kyle.

Kyle: Hi.

They stand there awkwardly for a few moments.

Charlie: Well, aren't you going to invite me inside or something?

Kyle: Oh. Yeah. Here.

They go inside. Ike is playing with blocks on the floor in the living room.

Ike: Bulldozer!

Charlie: So are any of the other guys coming?

Kyle: Oh. Uh, no, I don't think so. I guess we could invite them if you really want…

Charlie: Nah, that's okay. [She sits on the floor by Ike and the blocks.] We can have fun just the three of us. Right, Ike?

Ike: Mermaid boa.

Kyle: Uh—actually, it's Ike's naptime now.

Ike: NO! Bed bur buh buh buh BAH!

Kyle (pointing up the stairs): NOW, Ike.

Ike: Mum bum bum bum gore.

Ike hops up the stairs. Charlie looks up at Kyle from the floor.

Charlie: So do you wanna play Scrabble again or something?

Kyle: Nah. Look, Charlie, I've gotta talk to you about something.

Charlie: What about?

Kyle sighs and sits down on the couch. Charlie climbs up on the opposite end. Kyle folds his hands in his lap and appears to be thinking hard. Charlie scoots a little closer to him.

Kyle: So, I've been thinking… You know, we hang out a lot, and it's fun and stuff. Right?

Charlie: Yeah.

Kyle: I mean, I like hanging out with you. You're pretty cool for a girl.

Charlie: Thanks! I like hanging out with you too!

Kyle: Yeah. And sometimes when people hang out with each other a lot, and stuff happens, then they have to either pretend stuff didn't happen, or hang out in a different way, or stop hanging out altogether. Am I making any sense?

Charlie: Uh, not really. [She suddenly looks worried.] Are you saying we can't be friends anymore or something?

Kyle: No! No, that's not what I meant. Sheesh, I really don't know where I'm going with this. Uh… You remember a few weeks ago, how there was that dance at school?

Charlie's eyes light up as she starts to catch on to where the conversation is going.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Kyle: And you remember when, uh, we… you know…?

Charlie (smiling sweetly): Yes?

Kyle: …Kissed?

Charlie (still smiling): Uh-huh…

Kyle: And… and… did you like it?

Charlie (biting her lip): Kinda… Did you?

Kyle: Me? [He clears his throat a little and looks down.] Oh… uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

Charlie: I think if it had been somebody else I wouldn't've liked it very much. But since it was with you, it was kind of nice.

Kyle's face flushes and he seems to be at a loss for words. Charlie looks at him for a few seconds as if waiting for him to say something. When he doesn't, she continues.

Charlie: Do you ever get kind of sick to your stomach, but in a good way? Where you feel kind of… kind of fizzy, like you've got a million bubbles inside you? And they're just going to lift you up to the sky? [She looks at Kyle, but he doesn't say anything. She folds her hands in her lap and looks at them.] Sometimes I do. I think it's the best feeling in the world. [She glances at him again and waits a few seconds for him to say something. Finally, she sighs, apparently conceding defeat.] Do you wanna play Stratego or something?

Kyle: Nah, listen, Charlie: the-the reason I wanted to talk to you today is because I… I really like you.

Charlie (grinning): I like you too, Kyle.

Kyle: I mean, like, I like you.

Charlie: I like like you too.

Charlie smiles down at her hands. Kyle looks tense but hopeful.

Kyle: …Really? You do?

Charlie: Yes. You're the first boy I ever like-liked.

Kyle: Then do you think we could, you know… be boyfriend and girlfriend? Sort of like Stan and Wendy?

Charlie: Yes! Yes, that would be awesome!

She throws her arms around his shoulders in a hug. Kyle looks relieved.

Kyle: Does that mean we get to kiss again?

Charlie: Not yet, silly. We have to go on a date first.

Kyle: We do?

Charlie: Yeah. Haven't you ever seen it on TV? The boy has to ask the girl to go on a date, and then at the end of the date, they get to kiss, then they become boyfriend and girlfriend. It's a process.

Kyle: That's not what happened last time.

Charlie: Yeah, but that was an accident. [She half-smiles.] Sorta.

Kyle: Well, what sort of date do you want to go on?

Charlie: Well, on TV, they usually go to the movies or fancy restaurants.

Kyle: That sounds kind of expensive.

Charlie: Good point. [She rubs her chin, thinking.] Oh, I know! Sometimes they have romantic picnics! We could do that!

Kyle (unenthused): I don't know…

Charlie: It'd be cheap.

Kyle: Yeah, but it also sounds kind of… gay.

Charlie: Well, Kyle, sometimes you just have to do the gay thing to get the dating process started. It's a sad fact of life.

Kyle: Well, can we do it right now?

Charlie (giggling): No, silly! It has to be on a Friday or Saturday, and it has to be in the evening.

Kyle: Why?

Charlie: That's just how it works, Kyle.

Kyle: So… can we have our date this Friday then?

Charlie: Sure! We can go to Stark's Pond! That's almost like having a picnic on the beach, except we'll have snow instead of sand, and it'll be thirty degrees out.

Kyle: O-okay. So… so should I come to your house and bring you there?

Charlie (nodding): Yup. The boy always goes to the girl's house at the beginning of the date.

Kyle: What time?

Charlie: Five-thirty?

Kyle: Cool.

Charlie: We're gonna have the best first date ever.

They sit on the couch for a bit longer. Charlie looks ecstatic. Kyle looks relieved.
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DATE: FEB. 3 (FRIDAY)
TIME: 05:21 PM
THE DATE
COUNTDOWN: 11 DAYS

Inside the living room of the Marsh house, Charlie stands in front of the window, pressing her face and hands against the glass. She is dressed the same as usual, but with a clip in her hair instead of her hat. Stan walks down the stairs, sees her at the window, and rolls his eyes.

Stan: Dude, you still have ten minutes. Chill out.

Charlie: [She looks away from the glass. She acts jittery and excited.] I know. I just want to be ready as soon as he gets here is all.

Stan (again rolling his eyes): Great. Have fun.

Charlie: You're not mad about this or anything, are you?

Stan: No, I'm not mad. I think it's really weird and awkward, yes, but what the hell; nobody cares about my opinion anyway.

Sighing dramatically, he walks out of the room toward the kitchen. Charlie stares after him with an expression of faint annoyance. Then she turns back to the window, cupping her hands around her eyes to improve her view. After a few seconds, she begins to bounce up and down with excitement.

Outside, Kyle approaches the Marsh house, wearing a suit and a nervous expression. He carries a small bouquet of flowers. He hesitates on the sidewalk before he starts up the walk.

Charlie (squealing/yelling): He's here! He's here, he's here, he's here!

Sharon steps in from another room.

Sharon: Already? [She peeks out the window.] Oh, isn't that just the cutest—Wait just a sec; I have to get the camera!

Sharon dashes out of the room, and Charlie continues bouncing at the window. The doorbell rings. Charlie takes a deep breath, composes herself, and answers the door.

Charlie: Hello, Kyle.

Kyle: Hello.

They smile at each other nervously.

Kyle: I got these for you.

He holds out the flowers. As Charlie opens her mouth to thank him, Sharon rushes up, absolutely gushing.

Sharon: Well, don't you look handsome, Kyle! [Kyle lets out a huff of air, apparently resenting this comment.] Oh, and look! You got flowers! If that isn't just the sweetest thing…

She takes the flowers from Kyle and hurries away. Kyle, his hand still extended, stares after her. Both kids wear expressions of surprised disappointment.

Charlie: …My fl—

Sharon (bustling back): There, I got a vase for them! [She displays the flowers in a vase of water.] Isn't that nice, Charlie? [Charlie stares up at Sharon, her mouth hanging open slightly.] Charlie? Did you say thank you for the flowers, Charlie?

Charlie (lowly): …Thanks, Kyle.

Kyle: …You're welcome…

Sharon peeks outside behind Kyle.

Sharon: Isn't your mother here?

Kyle: Uh, no.

Sharon: Oh, that's too bad. I wish she could see how adorable you two looked. [Charlie and Kyle stare at her blankly as she fumbles to take the lens-cap off of her camera.] Well, at least I'll be able to send her some pictures. Smile big for the camera, kids!

Charlie and Kyle stare blankly at Sharon as she snaps a picture.
___________________

TIME: 05:21 PM
STARK'S POND
THE DATE
COUNTDOWN: 11 DAYS

Kyle and Charlie sit on a picnic blanket at Stark's Pond, finishing their dinner.

Kyle: So, uh… now what?

Charlie: We could talk about our feelings.

She smiles. Kyle stares at her with a stony expression.

Charlie: Or we could play "throw stuff in the pond."

Kyle: Okay.

The kids stand up. After a few minutes of collecting rocks, sticks, and other debris, they stand at the dock.

Charlie: Ready?

Kyle: Yep.

Charlie: Start chuckin' stuff!

They begin to throw the collection of items into the pond, one by one. After Kyle throws one stone particularly far, Charlie pauses to express her admiration.

Charlie: Whoa, that was a good one, dude.

Kyle: Thanks.

Charlie You're really strong, huh?

Kyle shrugs, but he beams with pride as he continues to hurl objects into the pond.

This activity continues for fifteen or twenty minutes until the sun begins to fade (and they run out of objects to throw).

Charlie: I guess it's getting late.

Kyle: Yep.

Charlie: So we ought to finish up.

Kyle: Yeah…

Charlie: So should we walk to my house and, uh, do that thing that happens at the end of the date?

Kyle: Uh, I dunno…

Charlie (worried and disappointed): Why not?

Kyle: It's just… you know. [He shrugs and looks at her apprehensively.] Stan.

Charlie (nodding in agreement): Oh, yeah… Stan. It'd be pretty embarrassing if he saw, huh?

Kyle: Yeah.

Charlie: Plus, he's bein' a real dick about this whole thing, if you ask me.

Kyle: So… yeah. We should get it over with here instead.

Charlie: Yeah.

There's an awkward pause as the two stare at each other.

Charlie: Okay, so… go ahead.

Kyle: Go ahead what?

Charlie: Go ahead and kiss me.

Kyle: Go ahead and--? I thought you were going to kiss me!

Charlie: Oh, shit. We didn't even figure this part out. [She slaps her forehead in frustration, then sighs.] Okay. Who should do what?

Kyle: Um, you can decide.

Charlie: Well… well I kissed you last time, so I think it's only fair that I get to be kissed this time around.

Kyle: What if I make a mistake?

Charlie: You'll do fine. Just sort of lean forward and close your eyes.

Kyle starts to lean in.

Charlie: And make sure you don't bash our noses together.

Kyle stops and looks at her suspiciously.

Kyle: How'd you get to know so much about kissing?

Charlie: I read about it online last night. I even saw this one story about some kids who broke their noses when they kissed 'cause they hit them together so hard. [Kyle looks nervous. Charlie moves on to other things.]There was some stuff about putting our tongues in each other's mouths, but that sounds kind of gross, so let's not do that.

Kyle starts to lean in again. Charlie starts grinning and giggling.

Kyle: What's so funny?

Charlie: I'm sorry. I'm just really excited. I've never been kissed before.

Kyle: Alright, alright! Just hold still.

Finally, Charlie manages to put on a straight face. She closes her eyes expectantly. Kyle leans in, closes his eyes, peeks one last time to make sure their noses aren't about hit, and kisses her. The total duration of the kiss is one, maybe two seconds. Then Kyle leans back again. They look at each other. Then Charlie cracks a smile.

Charlie: That… was awesome. You're an awesome kisser, Kyle.

Kyle: Really?

Charlie: Totally. And now… now it's official! We're boyfriend and girlfriend!

She gives him a hug, then turns around to start packing up the picnic.

Kyle: So now is it my turn?

Charlie: [She stops and looks back at him, confused.] …For what?

Kyle: For getting a kiss.

Charlie: …I don't think we're supposed to kiss again…

Kyle: Aw, come on.

Charlie: Fine.

She walks up to him and leans forward. But before they actually kiss again, they hit their noses together. They each take a step back with their hands over their noses.

Kyle: Ow!

Charlie: Ouch! Crap!

Kyle lifts his hands off his face; his nose is bleeding. He looks at his gloves, and they're bloody. Charlie is mortified.

Charlie: Oh, shit! I'm so sorry, Kyle!

Kyle pinches his nose, trying to stem the flow.

Kyle (in a nasally tone): It's okay… It was an accident.

Charlie: Oh, fuck, no! [She looks extremely distressed.] It's ruined! Our whole date is ruined! Shit! Motherfucking shit!

Kyle stoops over the picnic blanket and grabs some napkins, which he holds under his nose.

Kyle: No it isn't.

Charlie (tearing up): Yes it is! You only get one shot at a first date, and I just fucked it up! Son-of-a-bitch! Ass-ramming son-of-a-bitch!

She sits down and starts crying. Kyle tries to console her.

Kyle (through his bloody nose): Come on, don't be a baby, Charlie. It isn't a big deal.

Charlie: It is a big deal! I really, really like you, Kyle! I've liked you for a long time! And now that we finally got to go on a date I had to go and fuck it up! Everything is ruined! All because I had to go and close my goddamn eyes too soon! [She continues crying and begins to hiccup.]

Kyle: Well, I thought we had fun. And I still like you.

Charlie (sniffling): You do? Even though I [hiccup] broke your nose?

Kyle: You didn't break my nose, Charlie. It's just the dry air; it makes my nose bleed real easily. [He pulls away the napkins. The bleeding isn't as heavy.] See? It's already getting better.

Charlie (still sniffling a little): Oh… Oh, good. [She wipes her nose on the back of her sleeve.] I'm still [hiccup] really sorry. I can't believe I did that.

Kyle: It's okay.

In between changing napkins, he quickly leans over and kisses her on the cheek, leaving a small bloody smear behind. This cheers her up substantially.

Kyle (smiling a little): Now you owe me two.

Charlie smiles, still somewhat embarrassed, and hiccups.
___________________

DATE: FEB. 8 (WEDNESDAY)
TIME: 05:09 PM
MARSH RESIDENCE
COUNTDOWN: 6 DAYS

Stan and Kyle sit on the couch, watching TV. Charlie walks up and sits next to Kyle. Stan looks over at them, rolls his eyes, stands up, and walks away.

Charlie: What's up his ass?

Kyle: I don't know. He's been real pissy lately.

They both gaze at the television set. The sound of a wet fart and Canadian laughter can be heard.

Television Announcer: And that concludes our twelve-hour-long marathon of Terrance and Phillip! But wait, don't go! Stay tuned for today's exciting new episode of The Queef Sisters, in which Katie queefs on a waiter, and laughs!

Kyle presses the power button on the remote, a sour expression on his face.

Kyle: That show is completely disgusting. It isn't funny at all.

Charlie: Okay.

The pair sits on the couch in silence for several seconds. Then Charlie clears her throat.

Charlie: Kyle?

Kyle: Uh-huh?

Charlie (in a serious tone): Kyle, we need to talk.

Kyle: What about?

Charlie: Stuff.

Kyle: What "stuff"?

Charlie: Remember that girl Rebecca you liked last year?

Kyle isn't sure why she'd bring that up, but he knows it can't be good.

Kyle (apprehensively): Yeah. Why?

Charlie: Remember how you sang her a song outside her window? Like, you serenaded her?

Kyle: Yeah… How'd you know about that?

Charlie: I have my sources.

Kyle: What about it then?

Charlie (looking slightly hurt): Well, how come you didn't do that for me? [Kyle stares at her in annoyance but doesn't say anything.] Well?

Kyle: I don't know! I just didn't! [Charlie stares at him in annoyance but doesn't say anything.] What?

Charlie (crossing her arms): You didn't answer my question.

Kyle: [Sighs.] I didn't think about it. And plus… come on. I'm not doing that where Stan might hear me or something! That'd be embarrassing! [Charlie looks at him with a stony face.] No. No, I'm not doing it. [She doesn't change her expression.] Dude, come on! It doesn't even mean anything if I do it 'cause you told me to!

Charlie (looking up at the ceiling): I didn't tell you to. I just brought it up is all, since it sure seems funny that you'd serenade Rebecca Cotswald but not me.

Kyle sighs loudly and rolls his eyes.
___________________

DATE: FEB. 9 (THURSDAY)
TIME: 09:55 PM
MARSH RESIDENCE
COUNTDOWN: 6 DAYS

Kyle stands outside of Shelly's window with a guitar. He sings to the tune of "Copacabana".

Kyle (singing): Her name is Charlie! She is my girlfriend! She is really cool and sweet, and she lives just down the street! [Charlie is now at the window. She opens it up. She smiles down at him.] I think that she's hot! She wants to be a pilot! I'll serenade her to try and placate her since she told me she wanted me to do it! [Charlie rolls her eyes.] Her name is Charlie! And she is awesome! She is the only girl I like, and I know she's not a dyke! She's not Israeli! She plays the ukulele—

Shelly arrives at the window, glaring.

Shelly: SHUT UP! I'm about to go to sleep, you stupid little turd!

Shelly slams the window closed. Charlie presses her hands and face against the glass, smiling at Kyle. He smiles back. She grins at him and makes a kissing face, then Shelly pulls her away from the window and closes the curtains.

Inside Shelly's room, Charlie acts lovesick and giddy.

Charlie: Kyle is the best boyfriend ever. That was so romantic. [She sighs and swoons onto her mattress.]

Shelly: Kyle's a little turd.

Charlie: He's the smartest kid in our whole grade. And he's so cute and nice. And he wanted me to be his girlfriend.

Shelly: Two turds. It's a match made in heaven.

Charlie: Shelly, have you ever been in love before?

Shelly: Yeah.

Charlie: What's it like?

Shelly: It's like that feeling you get when the little turd living in the corner of your room finally shuts up!
___________________

DATE: FEB. 12 (SUNDAY)
TIME: 03:14 PM
BROFLOVKSI RESIDENCE
PLAYING GO FISH
COUNTDOWN: 2 DAYS

Kyle, Charlie, and Ike are on the floor in Kyle's bedroom, playing Go-Fish. Charlie appears troubled by something.

Kyle: Ike, you got any threes?

Ike: Oh… fish, buh buh buh BAH!

Kyle: Damn it.

He draws a card from the deck, sighing. Charlie bites her lip apprehensively.

Charlie: Kyle?

Kyle: No, it's Ike's turn.

Charlie: I know, I wanted to ask you somethin'.

Kyle: What is it?

Charlie: How come you like me, Kyle?

Kyle: I dunno. I just do.

Charlie: But you're so smart, and kids at school like you, and you're good at pretty much everything. I mean, when Cartman isn't around, you hardly even get mad at all. And I'm… you know. I'm just me.

Kyle (rolling his eyes): Yeah. That's why I like you. Because you're you.

Charlie: What do you mean?

Kyle: I dunno. You're… different. I don't know. I mean, sure you're a little weird, but you're fun to hang out with, and you're funny, and you really care about people. And I think you're kind of cute.

Charlie (eyes widening): You think I'm cute?

Kyle: Yeah. I don't know why everybody is always so mean about how you look. You look nice to me. [Charlie blushes.] And… and you remember that thing you said awhile ago? About feeling fizzy and stuff? …Well, that's kind of how I feel about you.

Charlie (smiling shyly): That's how I feel about you too. I'm glad you're my boyfriend, Kyle.

Kyle: I'm glad you're my girlfriend. Just promise you don't act all sappy and stuff like this around the guys, okay? Saying that in front of Ike was bad enough.

Ike: Bum-ber… homos!

Charlie: Okay, I promise. [She suddenly looks excited.] Hey, I just realized something! Maybe people'll stop calling me a lesbian now!

Kyle: Nah, I wouldn't count on it.

Charlie: Oh…
___________________

DATE: FEB 13 (MONDAY)
TIME: 3:01 PM
SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
COUNTDOWN: 1 DAY

Kyle and Charlie wait for Stan by his locker after class lets out. While they're waiting, Wendy walks up to the group with a spring in her step.

Wendy: Hi, Stan!

Stan: Hi.

Wendy: You know, we still haven't planned anything for Valentine's Day yet.

Stan (searching through his locker): Nope. Kyle, did you take my math book?

Kyle: I don't think so.

Stan: Shit.

Wendy (looking annoyed): Valentine's Day is tomorrow, Stan.

Stan: It--? Oh shit.

Wendy: You forgot, didn't you?

Stan: …No… [Wendy glares at him.] …Sort of…

Charlie: Stan, you forgot about Valentine's Day? Weak, dude.

Wendy: I bet Kyle didn't forget about Valentine's Day, right?

Kyle: Uh…

Charlie: Nope. Kyle's a good boyfriend, unlike STAN, here.

Stan: Shut up.

Wendy rolls her eyes and turns to face Kyle and Charlie.

Wendy: Ooooh! I know! We could go on a double date! Wouldn't that be fun?

Behind her, Stan glares and makes a slashing motion under his neck. Kyle and Charlie glance at each other.

Charlie: Uh, we'd like to, but…

Kyle: We've already got something else planned.

Wendy: Really? Something special? How romantic!

Kyle and Charlie glance at each other again.
____________________________

DATE: FEB. 14 (TUESDAY)
TIME: 07:13 PM
MARSH RESIDENCE
VALENTINE'S DAY
COUNTDOWN: 0 DAYS

Charlie and Kyle sit on the couch at the Marsh house in their everyday clothes. They are intently focused on playing XBox. Stan opens the door and enters the house, dressed in a tux. He closes the door and sighs, apparently exhausted.

Charlie (not looking away from the game): Hey Stan. How was your romantic date with Wendy?

Stan: Boring. What did you guys do?

Kyle: Homework.

Charlie: And XBox. Wanna play?

Stan: Sure.

He grabs a third controller and joins them on the couch. After a few seconds, Charlie bites her tongue in concentration. Shortly after this, her face falls in disappointment.

Charlie: Wha--? No! No! Ah, goddamn it!

Kyle: Ha, killed you again!

Charlie: [Tosses down her controller] Fuck this game!

Kyle: You're just mad 'cause you always lose.

Stan: Yeah. Girls suck at first-person shooter games.

Charlie: Hey, shut up! I could kick your asses at MarioKart!

Kyle: No you couldn't.

Charlie: Could so!

Kyle: Nuh-uh.

Charlie glares for a few seconds, then appears to concede that, no, she in fact could not.

Stan: You know, this is kind of strange, but hanging out with you two now is pretty much the exact same as it was before.

Charlie: Of course it is. Why would it be different?

Stan: I dunno… I thought you'd act all, you know… gross and cute and stuff.

Charlie and Kyle both look at Stan.

Kyle: Seriously? That's faggy, dude.

Charlie: Yeah, you think we're gay or something?

Charlie and Kyle laugh. Stan rolls his eyes.

Description
Threadbare South Park: Valentine's Day Special
"Dating: It's a Process"
Contest Entry Version

To ze lovely readers from the Kyle Broflovski Fan Club:
This is (obviously) an entry for the Valentine's Day contest. The story is set when the kids are in the fourth grade. I feel I must warn you about something: this story is an abridged version of an "episode" of my South Park fanfiction series, and it centers around Kyle and an original character. Now, I can see the wincing and cringing, but bear with me… it isn't as bad as it sounds.
Thank you and enjoy.
___________________

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE—EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE—ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP.... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
___________________

DATE: JAN. 27 (FRIDAY)
TIME: 09:04 PM
BROLOVSKI RESIDENCE
COUNTDOWN: 18 DAYS

Stan and Charlie sit on the couch in the Broflovskis' living room while Kyle, sits on the floor. They are playing X-Box. Charlie, who was focused intently on the game, suddenly looks startled.

Charlie: Wait--wait, what?! Who's shooting at me?!

Stan (still staring at the television): Your ass is mine, bitch.

Charlie makes a panicky attempt to save her character from a cruel demise at the hands of her foster-brother, but inevitably fails.

Charlie: Ah... oh, no! Goddamn it, Stan! [She tosses down her controller.] Fuck this game.

Stan smirks and looks at his watch.

Stan: Oh crap. I think we'd better go, Charlie. It's getting late. [To Kyle] Bye, dude.

Kyle puts his hat back on and stands up as Stan and Charlie hop off the couch. Stan walks over to the door. Charlie holds her right arm with her left hand and avoids eye contact with the boys.

Stan: Charlie, come on. We need to go.

Charlie glances over at Kyle.

Charlie: Bye, Kyle.

She puts her hat on and begins to follow Stan out the door.

Kyle: Hey, wait!

Charlie: Uh-huh?

Kyle: …Bye.

Charlie (audibly disappointed): Bye.

She walks out the door and catches up with Stan in front of the house. Kyle watches them through the window as they walk down the street. He sighs, then he looks annoyed. He kicks the door.

Kyle: Shit! Shit, shit, fucking shit! I was [kicking the door again] so [again] fucking [again] close!

Gerald hears the noise and walks into the room.

Gerald: Kyle! What are you doing?!

Kyle stops and sighs.

Kyle: Dad, did you ever like a girl, but you were always too scared to actually tell her?

Gerald sits down on the couch and pats the seat beside him.

Gerald: Come here, son.

Kyle hops up onto the couch next to his dad.

Gerald: Kyle, when I was in college, I met a very special woman. She was beautiful, intelligent, sweet… She had everything going for her. I must have walked up to her a thousand times with the intention of asking her out, and every time, I would lose my nerve, have nothing to say, and end up looking like a complete jackass.

Kyle: Let me guess: it was Mom.

Gerald: Let me finish the story, Kyle. So, anyway, while I was still trying to work up the courage to ask this girl on a date, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. I went into that date thinking it would be a complete waste of time, but it wasn't: you see, that date was with your mom.

Kyle: So… Mom wasn't the girl you were talking about before?

Gerald: Huh? Oh, no, that, that was Karen. [He sighs and looks up dreamily.] Oh, Karen.

Kyle: So then what's the point of the story?

Gerald: You see, Kyle, we as men are very proud creatures. We don't take rejection well, and as a result, we often back down from opportunities we see as risks because of our innate fear of failure.

Kyle: …But what does that have to do with anything?

Gerald: The point is, Kyle, [he rests a hand on Kyle's hat] that everything works out for the best.

Kyle (annoyed): …But what does that have to do with anything?

Gerald: Hmm. You know, I don't really remember where I was going with that. [Kyle gets off the sofa and walks away, annoyed.] Kyle? Kyle? Is she Jewish? Kyle?
___________________

DATE: JAN. 31 (TUESDAY)
TIME: 03:14 PM
RETURNING HOME FROM SCHOOL
COUNTDOWN: 15 DAYS

The bus pulls up to the usual stop. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Charlie get off, and it drives away. The kids begin to walk home, and Charlie hurries forward to catch up with Kyle.

Charlie: Hey Kyle?

Kyle: Yeah…?

Charlie (smiling): Do you think we could play later? I saw this cool—

Cartman, who stands behind them, interrupts with a taunt.

Cartman: Kyle and Charlie sittin' in a tree! [They both glare at him.] K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then off come the clothes, then—

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman: Kyle likes Charlie because she's butch, and Charlie likes Kyle because he's effeminate!

Kyle: I SAID SHUT UP, FAT-ASS!

Cartman: It's a match made in heaven!

Kyle lets out a loud groan of irritation.

Charlie: Why do you have to be so mean to Kyle and me?

Cartman: Because I hate you guys, and you're assholes. [He yawns.] Now to head home for some triple-decker pancake surprise…

He walks away. Charlie and Kyle look at each other again.

Charlie: So anyway, do you want to play later at—

Cartman (leaping behind them again): Jew and the Lesbian sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S—

Kyle (extremely annoyed): God, don't you ever shut up?!

Cartman (in a mocking tone): Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh blehhh!

Kyle: Can I even go one day without having to deal with you * [At this point, Cartman begins to talk over him] acting like a fucking asshole every time I try to talk to somebody? Shut up! I said SHUT UP, YOU FAT FUCKING FAGGOT!

*Cartman: Jew and the Lesbo sittin' in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G!

Partway through this argument, Charlie rolls her eyes, sighs, and walks away.

Cartman (reacting to Kyle's final comment): Don't call me a faggot, Kike!

Kyle: Don't call me a kike, fat-ass!

Cartman: Why not? You're Jewish, so you're a kike.

Kyle: That's a racial slur, and I'm not going to stand here and listen to you belittle my people!

Cartman: Well I'm not going to stand here at all! Screw you, Kike; I'm going home!

Cartman stomps away. Kyle glares after him.

Kyle: FAT FAGGOT!

Cartman (shouting back at him): Hook-nose!

Kyle glowers for several seconds as Cartman (presumably) continues walking away.

Kyle: What a fat piece of shit. One of these days I'm gonna—[He suddenly realizes that Charlie has left.]—Ah, crap.
___________________

TIME: 04:02 PM
THE CALL
COUNTDOWN: 15 DAYS

Kyle stands in his kitchen, staring at a telephone. After a few nervous seconds, he sighs and picks it up. He dials a number. It rings a few times, then someone picks up.

Stan: Hello?

Kyle (away from the receiver): Shit.

Stan: Kyle? Is that you?

Kyle: Oh, yeah. Hey, Stan. …What's up?

Stan: Nothing.

There's an awkward pause.

Stan: Hello? What the hell did you call about, Kyle?

Kyle: Uh, did you think I could, uh…

Stan (calling away from the phone): Charlie! It's for you! [To Kyle] There, are you happy? I did half the work for you.

Charlie walks up to Stan, who hands her the phone.

Stan (walking away): It's Kyle. He's acting like a total jackass though, so watch out.

Charlie looks at Stan in confusion as he walks away, then she puts the phone up to her ear.

Charlie: …Hello?

Kyle: Oh. Uh, hi.

Charlie: Is this Kyle?

Kyle: Yeah.

There's a moment of silence.

Charlie: Well, what is it?

Kyle: Um… [He pauses, then puts his hand on his forehead.] Do you want to come over?

Charlie: Now?

Kyle: Uh, I guess, yeah. I mean, if you aren't busy or anything.

Charlie: No, that's okay. Do you want Stan to come too?

Kyle: Uh… I think Stan said he was busy with something.

Charlie: Oh, okay then. Seeya soon.

Kyle hangs up, looking a little freaked out.

Kyle: Fuck!
___________________

TIME: 04:18 PM
BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE
THE AWKWARD PART
COUNTDOWN: 15 DAYS

Charlie (singing to herself): …Well, I taught the weepin' willow how to cry, cry, cry / And I taught the clouds how to cover up a clear blue sky / And the tears I cry for that man [she steps onto the Broflovskis' stoop and rings the doorbell] they're gonna flood you, Big River! / And I'm-a gonna sit right here until I die! / I met him accidentally [Kyle opens the door] in St. Paul, Minnesota! [Speaking] Hi, Kyle.

Kyle: Hi.

They stand there awkwardly for a few moments.

Charlie: Well, aren't you going to invite me inside or something?

Kyle: Oh. Yeah. Here.

They go inside. Ike is playing with blocks on the floor in the living room.

Ike: Bulldozer!

Charlie: So are any of the other guys coming?

Kyle: Oh. Uh, no, I don't think so. I guess we could invite them if you really want…

Charlie: Nah, that's okay. [She sits on the floor by Ike and the blocks.] We can have fun just the three of us. Right, Ike?

Ike: Mermaid boa.

Kyle: Uh—actually, it's Ike's naptime now.

Ike: NO! Bed bur buh buh buh BAH!

Kyle (pointing up the stairs): NOW, Ike.

Ike: Mum bum bum bum gore.

Ike hops up the stairs. Charlie looks up at Kyle from the floor.

Charlie: So do you wanna play Scrabble again or something?

Kyle: Nah. Look, Charlie, I've gotta talk to you about something.

Charlie: What about?

Kyle sighs and sits down on the couch. Charlie climbs up on the opposite end. Kyle folds his hands in his lap and appears to be thinking hard. Charlie scoots a little closer to him.

Kyle: So, I've been thinking… You know, we hang out a lot, and it's fun and stuff. Right?

Charlie: Yeah.

Kyle: I mean, I like hanging out with you. You're pretty cool for a girl.

Charlie: Thanks! I like hanging out with you too!

Kyle: Yeah. And sometimes when people hang out with each other a lot, and stuff happens, then they have to either pretend stuff didn't happen, or hang out in a different way, or stop hanging out altogether. Am I making any sense?

Charlie: Uh, not really. [She suddenly looks worried.] Are you saying we can't be friends anymore or something?

Kyle: No! No, that's not what I meant. Sheesh, I really don't know where I'm going with this. Uh… You remember a few weeks ago, how there was that dance at school?

Charlie's eyes light up as she starts to catch on to where the conversation is going.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Kyle: And you remember when, uh, we… you know…?

Charlie (smiling sweetly): Yes?

Kyle: …Kissed?

Charlie (still smiling): Uh-huh…

Kyle: And… and… did you like it?

Charlie (biting her lip): Kinda… Did you?

Kyle: Me? [He clears his throat a little and looks down.] Oh… uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

Charlie: I think if it had been somebody else I wouldn't've liked it very much. But since it was with you, it was kind of nice.

Kyle's face flushes and he seems to be at a loss for words. Charlie looks at him for a few seconds as if waiting for him to say something. When he doesn't, she continues.

Charlie: Do you ever get kind of sick to your stomach, but in a good way? Where you feel kind of… kind of fizzy, like you've got a million bubbles inside you? And they're just going to lift you up to the sky? [She looks at Kyle, but he doesn't say anything. She folds her hands in her lap and looks at them.] Sometimes I do. I think it's the best feeling in the world. [She glances at him again and waits a few seconds for him to say something. Finally, she sighs, apparently conceding defeat.] Do you wanna play Stratego or something?

Kyle: Nah, listen, Charlie: the-the reason I wanted to talk to you today is because I… I really like you.

Charlie (grinning): I like you too, Kyle.

Kyle: I mean, like, I like you.

Charlie: I like like you too.

Charlie smiles down at her hands. Kyle looks tense but hopeful.

Kyle: …Really? You do?

Charlie: Yes. You're the first boy I ever like-liked.

Kyle: Then do you think we could, you know… be boyfriend and girlfriend? Sort of like Stan and Wendy?

Charlie: Yes! Yes, that would be awesome!

She throws her arms around his shoulders in a hug. Kyle looks relieved.

Kyle: Does that mean we get to kiss again?

Charlie: Not yet, silly. We have to go on a date first.

Kyle: We do?

Charlie: Yeah. Haven't you ever seen it on TV? The boy has to ask the girl to go on a date, and then at the end of the date, they get to kiss, then they become boyfriend and girlfriend. It's a process.

Kyle: That's not what happened last time.

Charlie: Yeah, but that was an accident. [She half-smiles.] Sorta.

Kyle: Well, what sort of date do you want to go on?

Charlie: Well, on TV, they usually go to the movies or fancy restaurants.

Kyle: That sounds kind of expensive.

Charlie: Good point. [She rubs her chin, thinking.] Oh, I know! Sometimes they have romantic picnics! We could do that!

Kyle (unenthused): I don't know…

Charlie: It'd be cheap.

Kyle: Yeah, but it also sounds kind of… gay.

Charlie: Well, Kyle, sometimes you just have to do the gay thing to get the dating process started. It's a sad fact of life.

Kyle: Well, can we do it right now?

Charlie (giggling): No, silly! It has to be on a Friday or Saturday, and it has to be in the evening.

Kyle: Why?

Charlie: That's just how it works, Kyle.

Kyle: So… can we have our date this Friday then?

Charlie: Sure! We can go to Stark's Pond! That's almost like having a picnic on the beach, except we'll have snow instead of sand, and it'll be thirty degrees out.

Kyle: O-okay. So… so should I come to your house and bring you there?

Charlie (nodding): Yup. The boy always goes to the girl's house at the beginning of the date.

Kyle: What time?

Charlie: Five-thirty?

Kyle: Cool.

Charlie: We're gonna have the best first date ever.

They sit on the couch for a bit longer. Charlie looks ecstatic. Kyle looks relieved.
___________________

DATE: FEB. 3 (FRIDAY)
TIME: 05:21 PM
THE DATE
COUNTDOWN: 11 DAYS

Inside the living room of the Marsh house, Charlie stands in front of the window, pressing her face and hands against the glass. She is dressed the same as usual, but with a clip in her hair instead of her hat. Stan walks down the stairs, sees her at the window, and rolls his eyes.

Stan: Dude, you still have ten minutes. Chill out.

Charlie: [She looks away from the glass. She acts jittery and excited.] I know. I just want to be ready as soon as he gets here is all.

Stan (again rolling his eyes): Great. Have fun.

Charlie: You're not mad about this or anything, are you?

Stan: No, I'm not mad. I think it's really weird and awkward, yes, but what the hell; nobody cares about my opinion anyway.

Sighing dramatically, he walks out of the room toward the kitchen. Charlie stares after him with an expression of faint annoyance. Then she turns back to the window, cupping her hands around her eyes to improve her view. After a few seconds, she begins to bounce up and down with excitement.

Outside, Kyle approaches the Marsh house, wearing a suit and a nervous expression. He carries a small bouquet of flowers. He hesitates on the sidewalk before he starts up the walk.

Charlie (squealing/yelling): He's here! He's here, he's here, he's here!

Sharon steps in from another room.

Sharon: Already? [She peeks out the window.] Oh, isn't that just the cutest—Wait just a sec; I have to get the camera!

Sharon dashes out of the room, and Charlie continues bouncing at the window. The doorbell rings. Charlie takes a deep breath, composes herself, and answers the door.

Charlie: Hello, Kyle.

Kyle: Hello.

They smile at each other nervously.

Kyle: I got these for you.

He holds out the flowers. As Charlie opens her mouth to thank him, Sharon rushes up, absolutely gushing.

Sharon: Well, don't you look handsome, Kyle! [Kyle lets out a huff of air, apparently resenting this comment.] Oh, and look! You got flowers! If that isn't just the sweetest thing…

She takes the flowers from Kyle and hurries away. Kyle, his hand still extended, stares after her. Both kids wear expressions of surprised disappointment.

Charlie: …My fl—

Sharon (bustling back): There, I got a vase for them! [She displays the flowers in a vase of water.] Isn't that nice, Charlie? [Charlie stares up at Sharon, her mouth hanging open slightly.] Charlie? Did you say thank you for the flowers, Charlie?

Charlie (lowly): …Thanks, Kyle.

Kyle: …You're welcome…

Sharon peeks outside behind Kyle.

Sharon: Isn't your mother here?

Kyle: Uh, no.

Sharon: Oh, that's too bad. I wish she could see how adorable you two looked. [Charlie and Kyle stare at her blankly as she fumbles to take the lens-cap off of her camera.] Well, at least I'll be able to send her some pictures. Smile big for the camera, kids!

Charlie and Kyle stare blankly at Sharon as she snaps a picture.
___________________

TIME: 05:21 PM
STARK'S POND
THE DATE
COUNTDOWN: 11 DAYS

Kyle and Charlie sit on a picnic blanket at Stark's Pond, finishing their dinner.

Kyle: So, uh… now what?

Charlie: We could talk about our feelings.

She smiles. Kyle stares at her with a stony expression.

Charlie: Or we could play "throw stuff in the pond."

Kyle: Okay.

The kids stand up. After a few minutes of collecting rocks, sticks, and other debris, they stand at the dock.

Charlie: Ready?

Kyle: Yep.

Charlie: Start chuckin' stuff!

They begin to throw the collection of items into the pond, one by one. After Kyle throws one stone particularly far, Charlie pauses to express her admiration.

Charlie: Whoa, that was a good one, dude.

Kyle: Thanks.

Charlie You're really strong, huh?

Kyle shrugs, but he beams with pride as he continues to hurl objects into the pond.

This activity continues for fifteen or twenty minutes until the sun begins to fade (and they run out of objects to throw).

Charlie: I guess it's getting late.

Kyle: Yep.

Charlie: So we ought to finish up.

Kyle: Yeah…

Charlie: So should we walk to my house and, uh, do that thing that happens at the end of the date?

Kyle: Uh, I dunno…

Charlie (worried and disappointed): Why not?

Kyle: It's just… you know. [He shrugs and looks at her apprehensively.] Stan.

Charlie (nodding in agreement): Oh, yeah… Stan. It'd be pretty embarrassing if he saw, huh?

Kyle: Yeah.

Charlie: Plus, he's bein' a real dick about this whole thing, if you ask me.

Kyle: So… yeah. We should get it over with here instead.

Charlie: Yeah.

There's an awkward pause as the two stare at each other.

Charlie: Okay, so… go ahead.

Kyle: Go ahead what?

Charlie: Go ahead and kiss me.

Kyle: Go ahead and--? I thought you were going to kiss me!

Charlie: Oh, shit. We didn't even figure this part out. [She slaps her forehead in frustration, then sighs.] Okay. Who should do what?

Kyle: Um, you can decide.

Charlie: Well… well I kissed you last time, so I think it's only fair that I get to be kissed this time around.

Kyle: What if I make a mistake?

Charlie: You'll do fine. Just sort of lean forward and close your eyes.

Kyle starts to lean in.

Charlie: And make sure you don't bash our noses together.

Kyle stops and looks at her suspiciously.

Kyle: How'd you get to know so much about kissing?

Charlie: I read about it online last night. I even saw this one story about some kids who broke their noses when they kissed 'cause they hit them together so hard. [Kyle looks nervous. Charlie moves on to other things.]There was some stuff about putting our tongues in each other's mouths, but that sounds kind of gross, so let's not do that.

Kyle starts to lean in again. Charlie starts grinning and giggling.

Kyle: What's so funny?

Charlie: I'm sorry. I'm just really excited. I've never been kissed before.

Kyle: Alright, alright! Just hold still.

Finally, Charlie manages to put on a straight face. She closes her eyes expectantly. Kyle leans in, closes his eyes, peeks one last time to make sure their noses aren't about hit, and kisses her. The total duration of the kiss is one, maybe two seconds. Then Kyle leans back again. They look at each other. Then Charlie cracks a smile.

Charlie: That… was awesome. You're an awesome kisser, Kyle.

Kyle: Really?

Charlie: Totally. And now… now it's official! We're boyfriend and girlfriend!

She gives him a hug, then turns around to start packing up the picnic.

Kyle: So now is it my turn?

Charlie: [She stops and looks back at him, confused.] …For what?

Kyle: For getting a kiss.

Charlie: …I don't think we're supposed to kiss again…

Kyle: Aw, come on.

Charlie: Fine.

She walks up to him and leans forward. But before they actually kiss again, they hit their noses together. They each take a step back with their hands over their noses.

Kyle: Ow!

Charlie: Ouch! Crap!

Kyle lifts his hands off his face; his nose is bleeding. He looks at his gloves, and they're bloody. Charlie is mortified.

Charlie: Oh, shit! I'm so sorry, Kyle!

Kyle pinches his nose, trying to stem the flow.

Kyle (in a nasally tone): It's okay… It was an accident.

Charlie: Oh, fuck, no! [She looks extremely distressed.] It's ruined! Our whole date is ruined! Shit! Motherfucking shit!

Kyle stoops over the picnic blanket and grabs some napkins, which he holds under his nose.

Kyle: No it isn't.

Charlie (tearing up): Yes it is! You only get one shot at a first date, and I just fucked it up! Son-of-a-bitch! Ass-ramming son-of-a-bitch!

She sits down and starts crying. Kyle tries to console her.

Kyle (through his bloody nose): Come on, don't be a baby, Charlie. It isn't a big deal.

Charlie: It is a big deal! I really, really like you, Kyle! I've liked you for a long time! And now that we finally got to go on a date I had to go and fuck it up! Everything is ruined! All because I had to go and close my goddamn eyes too soon! [She continues crying and begins to hiccup.]

Kyle: Well, I thought we had fun. And I still like you.

Charlie (sniffling): You do? Even though I [hiccup] broke your nose?

Kyle: You didn't break my nose, Charlie. It's just the dry air; it makes my nose bleed real easily. [He pulls away the napkins. The bleeding isn't as heavy.] See? It's already getting better.

Charlie (still sniffling a little): Oh… Oh, good. [She wipes her nose on the back of her sleeve.] I'm still [hiccup] really sorry. I can't believe I did that.

Kyle: It's okay.

In between changing napkins, he quickly leans over and kisses her on the cheek, leaving a small bloody smear behind. This cheers her up substantially.

Kyle (smiling a little): Now you owe me two.

Charlie smiles, still somewhat embarrassed, and hiccups.
___________________

DATE: FEB. 8 (WEDNESDAY)
TIME: 05:09 PM
MARSH RESIDENCE
COUNTDOWN: 6 DAYS

Stan and Kyle sit on the couch, watching TV. Charlie walks up and sits next to Kyle. Stan looks over at them, rolls his eyes, stands up, and walks away.

Charlie: What's up his ass?

Kyle: I don't know. He's been real pissy lately.

They both gaze at the television set. The sound of a wet fart and Canadian laughter can be heard.

Television Announcer: And that concludes our twelve-hour-long marathon of Terrance and Phillip! But wait, don't go! Stay tuned for today's exciting new episode of The Queef Sisters, in which Katie queefs on a waiter, and laughs!

Kyle presses the power button on the remote, a sour expression on his face.

Kyle: That show is completely disgusting. It isn't funny at all.

Charlie: Okay.

The pair sits on the couch in silence for several seconds. Then Charlie clears her throat.

Charlie: Kyle?

Kyle: Uh-huh?

Charlie (in a serious tone): Kyle, we need to talk.

Kyle: What about?

Charlie: Stuff.

Kyle: What "stuff"?

Charlie: Remember that girl Rebecca you liked last year?

Kyle isn't sure why she'd bring that up, but he knows it can't be good.

Kyle (apprehensively): Yeah. Why?

Charlie: Remember how you sang her a song outside her window? Like, you serenaded her?

Kyle: Yeah… How'd you know about that?

Charlie: I have my sources.

Kyle: What about it then?

Charlie (looking slightly hurt): Well, how come you didn't do that for me? [Kyle stares at her in annoyance but doesn't say anything.] Well?

Kyle: I don't know! I just didn't! [Charlie stares at him in annoyance but doesn't say anything.] What?

Charlie (crossing her arms): You didn't answer my question.

Kyle: [Sighs.] I didn't think about it. And plus… come on. I'm not doing that where Stan might hear me or something! That'd be embarrassing! [Charlie looks at him with a stony face.] No. No, I'm not doing it. [She doesn't change her expression.] Dude, come on! It doesn't even mean anything if I do it 'cause you told me to!

Charlie (looking up at the ceiling): I didn't tell you to. I just brought it up is all, since it sure seems funny that you'd serenade Rebecca Cotswald but not me.

Kyle sighs loudly and rolls his eyes.
___________________

DATE: FEB. 9 (THURSDAY)
TIME: 09:55 PM
MARSH RESIDENCE
COUNTDOWN: 6 DAYS

Kyle stands outside of Shelly's window with a guitar. He sings to the tune of "Copacabana".

Kyle (singing): Her name is Charlie! She is my girlfriend! She is really cool and sweet, and she lives just down the street! [Charlie is now at the window. She opens it up. She smiles down at him.] I think that she's hot! She wants to be a pilot! I'll serenade her to try and placate her since she told me she wanted me to do it! [Charlie rolls her eyes.] Her name is Charlie! And she is awesome! She is the only girl I like, and I know she's not a dyke! She's not Israeli! She plays the ukulele—

Shelly arrives at the window, glaring.

Shelly: SHUT UP! I'm about to go to sleep, you stupid little turd!

Shelly slams the window closed. Charlie presses her hands and face against the glass, smiling at Kyle. He smiles back. She grins at him and makes a kissing face, then Shelly pulls her away from the window and closes the curtains.

Inside Shelly's room, Charlie acts lovesick and giddy.

Charlie: Kyle is the best boyfriend ever. That was so romantic. [She sighs and swoons onto her mattress.]

Shelly: Kyle's a little turd.

Charlie: He's the smartest kid in our whole grade. And he's so cute and nice. And he wanted me to be his girlfriend.

Shelly: Two turds. It's a match made in heaven.

Charlie: Shelly, have you ever been in love before?

Shelly: Yeah.

Charlie: What's it like?

Shelly: It's like that feeling you get when the little turd living in the corner of your room finally shuts up!
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DATE: FEB. 12 (SUNDAY)
TIME: 03:14 PM
BROFLOVKSI RESIDENCE
PLAYING GO FISH
COUNTDOWN: 2 DAYS

Kyle, Charlie, and Ike are on the floor in Kyle's bedroom, playing Go-Fish. Charlie appears troubled by something.

Kyle: Ike, you got any threes?

Ike: Oh… fish, buh buh buh BAH!

Kyle: Damn it.

He draws a card from the deck, sighing. Charlie bites her lip apprehensively.

Charlie: Kyle?

Kyle: No, it's Ike's turn.

Charlie: I know, I wanted to ask you somethin'.

Kyle: What is it?

Charlie: How come you like me, Kyle?

Kyle: I dunno. I just do.

Charlie: But you're so smart, and kids at school like you, and you're good at pretty much everything. I mean, when Cartman isn't around, you hardly even get mad at all. And I'm… you know. I'm just me.

Kyle (rolling his eyes): Yeah. That's why I like you. Because you're you.

Charlie: What do you mean?

Kyle: I dunno. You're… different. I don't know. I mean, sure you're a little weird, but you're fun to hang out with, and you're funny, and you really care about people. And I think you're kind of cute.

Charlie (eyes widening): You think I'm cute?

Kyle: Yeah. I don't know why everybody is always so mean about how you look. You look nice to me. [Charlie blushes.] And… and you remember that thing you said awhile ago? About feeling fizzy and stuff? …Well, that's kind of how I feel about you.

Charlie (smiling shyly): That's how I feel about you too. I'm glad you're my boyfriend, Kyle.

Kyle: I'm glad you're my girlfriend. Just promise you don't act all sappy and stuff like this around the guys, okay? Saying that in front of Ike was bad enough.

Ike: Bum-ber… homos!

Charlie: Okay, I promise. [She suddenly looks excited.] Hey, I just realized something! Maybe people'll stop calling me a lesbian now!

Kyle: Nah, I wouldn't count on it.

Charlie: Oh…
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DATE: FEB 13 (MONDAY)
TIME: 3:01 PM
SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
COUNTDOWN: 1 DAY

Kyle and Charlie wait for Stan by his locker after class lets out. While they're waiting, Wendy walks up to the group with a spring in her step.

Wendy: Hi, Stan!

Stan: Hi.

Wendy: You know, we still haven't planned anything for Valentine's Day yet.

Stan (searching through his locker): Nope. Kyle, did you take my math book?

Kyle: I don't think so.

Stan: Shit.

Wendy (looking annoyed): Valentine's Day is tomorrow, Stan.

Stan: It--? Oh shit.

Wendy: You forgot, didn't you?

Stan: …No… [Wendy glares at him.] …Sort of…

Charlie: Stan, you forgot about Valentine's Day? Weak, dude.

Wendy: I bet Kyle didn't forget about Valentine's Day, right?

Kyle: Uh…

Charlie: Nope. Kyle's a good boyfriend, unlike STAN, here.

Stan: Shut up.

Wendy rolls her eyes and turns to face Kyle and Charlie.

Wendy: Ooooh! I know! We could go on a double date! Wouldn't that be fun?

Behind her, Stan glares and makes a slashing motion under his neck. Kyle and Charlie glance at each other.

Charlie: Uh, we'd like to, but…

Kyle: We've already got something else planned.

Wendy: Really? Something special? How romantic!

Kyle and Charlie glance at each other again.
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DATE: FEB. 14 (TUESDAY)
TIME: 07:13 PM
MARSH RESIDENCE
VALENTINE'S DAY
COUNTDOWN: 0 DAYS

Charlie and Kyle sit on the couch at the Marsh house in their everyday clothes. They are intently focused on playing XBox. Stan opens the door and enters the house, dressed in a tux. He closes the door and sighs, apparently exhausted.

Charlie (not looking away from the game): Hey Stan. How was your romantic date with Wendy?

Stan: Boring. What did you guys do?

Kyle: Homework.

Charlie: And XBox. Wanna play?

Stan: Sure.

He grabs a third controller and joins them on the couch. After a few seconds, Charlie bites her tongue in concentration. Shortly after this, her face falls in disappointment.

Charlie: Wha--? No! No! Ah, goddamn it!

Kyle: Ha, killed you again!

Charlie: [Tosses down her controller] Fuck this game!

Kyle: You're just mad 'cause you always lose.

Stan: Yeah. Girls suck at first-person shooter games.

Charlie: Hey, shut up! I could kick your asses at MarioKart!

Kyle: No you couldn't.

Charlie: Could so!

Kyle: Nuh-uh.

Charlie glares for a few seconds, then appears to concede that, no, she in fact could not.

Stan: You know, this is kind of strange, but hanging out with you two now is pretty much the exact same as it was before.

Charlie: Of course it is. Why would it be different?

Stan: I dunno… I thought you'd act all, you know… gross and cute and stuff.

Charlie and Kyle both look at Stan.

Kyle: Seriously? That's faggy, dude.

Charlie: Yeah, you think we're gay or something?

Charlie and Kyle laugh. Stan rolls his eyes.