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ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE--EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

The third grade students are standing around and talking in the classroom when the bell rings for school to start. Many of the kids are dressed up in suits, scrubs, etc. Mr. Garrison enters the room.

Mr. Garrison: Alright, children, let's settle down now. Take your seats. [The kids disperse and sit down in their seats.] Now, I hope you've all been working hard on your Career Projects, because we're going to start presenting them today.

Kyle (whispering to Stan): I'm gonna be a detective!

Stan (whispering to Kyle): I'm gonna be a marine biologist.

Cartman (snickering): You two are total fags.

Mr. Garrison: Now, who would like to volunteer to go first? [Clyde raises his hand.] Okay, Clyde, why don't you get us started?

Clyde wears a tuxedo and has his hair slicked back. He walks up to the front of the class and begins to read off of a sheet of paper.

Clyde (sounding choppy, since he's reading directly off the sheet): When I grow up, I will be a politician. I will help make laws to make America a better place. I will make meatloaf illegal and on Fridays, I will give everyone free ice cream. I will… also make a law to prevent animal shelters from putting puppies to sleep. Puppies are cute and cuddly. I do not want them to die.

Mr. Garrison: Gosh, Clyde, what are you going to do with all those stray dogs?

Clyde stares at Mr. Garrison for a moment, looking clueless about what to say next. Eventually, he just continues reading.

Clyde: I will make our economy better. I will make taxes lower and give money to the poor.

Mr. Garrison: How exactly do you expect that to work?

Mr. Hat: Yeah, it sounds like you have a pretty weak understanding of economics, Clyde.

Clyde (looking nervous): …Most of all, I want to be a politician because I want to help my local community. I will build parks and plant trees. I will build schools and roads and libraries, and everyone will love me. The end.

The class claps politely. Mr. Garrison writes down some notes on the presentation.

Mr. Garrison: God help the district that elects you, Clyde Donovan. Who's up next? How about Charlie?

Charlie eagerly hops out of her seat. She wears hiking boots, brown pants, a brown leather jacket, and a pilot's helmet and goggles (the goggles are on her upper forehead). She goes up to the front of the classroom, holding onto a rolled-up poster.

Charlie: When I grow up, I am going to be an airline pilot.

Cartman (looking dubious): Seriously?

Charlie: I'll be in charge of taking off, manning the plane, keeping an eye on the plane and the weather, and landing.

Mr. Garrison: That's very cute, Charlie, but unless you want to end up a failure like Clyde, you're going to have to give more detail than that.

Charlie: Okay.

She unrolls the poster. Inside is a detailed sketch of the interior of an airplane. The poster is titled "Boeing 787 Dreamliner." She sets it on the ledge of the chalkboard and points to the various aspects of the design with a collapsible metal pointer as she describes them.

Charlie: This is the design of my favorite model of airplane, the Boeing 787 "Dreamliner." It is a brand new model: its first commercial flight was just this October, there are only eleven of them in use! It is a long-range, mid-size, wide-body, twin-engine jet airliner developed by the Boeing Commercial Airplanes company. It can seat from 210 to 290 passengers, and it's the company's most fuel-efficient jet; it uses 20% less fuel than the Boeing 767, which is about the same size. It's got a four-panel windshield, noise-reducing technology on the engines, and a smoother nose contour. People: this [she points at the picture] is the future of long-distance air travel.

Cartman (yawning): That sounds lame.

Charlie: Does not!

Stan: Don't worry, Charlie. Cartman's just mad because he's too fat to be a pilot. He's so heavy he'd crash the plane.

Cartman: Hey! I'm not fat!

Mr. Garrison: Shut up! We've got a lot of these things to get through! [To Charlie] Let's wrap this thing up, Charlotte.

Charlie: In conclusion, I am going to be a pilot when I grow up because I'll get to go to all sorts of exciting places and use a Boeing 787. And I'll get to fly thousands of feet off the ground at high speeds in a giant hunk of steel and live. The end.

Charlie goes back to her seat. Cartman rolls his eyes and looks over at her.

Cartman: That was pretty embarrassing, kiddo. You're so butch, I think I can actually see a bulge down there.

Charlie glares at him but doesn't say anything.

Mr. Hat: Well, why don't you do your presentation next then, Eric, if you're gonna be a bitchy little smartass.

Mr. Garrison: That sounds like an excellent idea, Mr. Hat.

Cartman: Fine. I will.

Cartman walks up to the front of the room. He folds his hands behind his back and speaks in an unusually sweet tone.

Cartman: When I grow up, I am going to have the most wonderful, the most satisfying, the most AWESOME career ever. I… am going to be a chef. [The kids in the class start to snigger. Cartman's self-satisfied smirk turns into a glare.] Hey! Don't you assholes laugh at me!

Mr. Garrison: You watch your goddamn mouth, Eric, or I'm taking your ass to the principal's office!

Cartman (whining): But Mr. Garrison! They're being disrespectful while I'm trying to give my presentation!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, please. Don't give me any of that whiny baby bull crap.

Craig: Yeah, and being a chef is totally gay.

Cartman: I don't think anybody asked for your opinion, CRAIG! Now if I may continue… [He clears his throat.] I want to be a chef because I will be able to share my delicious creations and my love of food with the world. But mostly, I'll just eat.

Kyle: Yeah, like you need to spend any more time around food.

Cartman (glaring): You know what? Screw you guys! If you don't want to sample my caramel brownies, then I guess that's just more for me!

The other students stop snickering and lean forward in their seats.

Clyde: Did you say caramel brownies?

Cartman goes to his desk and pulls out a plate of wrapped-up brownies.

Cartman (in a sugary-sweet voice): Yes, Clyde, I did say "caramel brownies." I made them myself to share with the class. [His voice returns to normal.] But since they're being ASSHOLES, I guess I'll just eat them myself!

Mr. Garrison: Eric Cartman, you share your brownies with the class right now, young man!

Cartman: No!

Mr. Garrison (growling): Eric…

Cartman: Fine!

Cartman begins to distribute the brownies, giving one to each child—except for Kyle, whose desk he passes.

Kyle: Hey! You skipped me, fatass!

Cartman: Uh-huh.

Kyle: Give me a brownie, Cartman!

Cartman: [Finishes distributing the rest of the brownies] Fine fine—oh. Oh, wait…

Kyle: What is it?

Cartman (with feigned concern): Oh, wait a minute. Mr. Garrison, I forgot to make sure that I used kosher margarine…

Kyle: Wh—Huh?

Cartman (with the same pretend sympathy): Yeah. I guess that means Kyle can't eat them, huh? Sorry Kyle. What a bummer.

Charlie: Whoa, you can't eat that 'cause of your religion? Being Jewish must suck!

Kyle: No it doesn't!

Stan takes a bite of his brownie.

Stan: Whoa… these are actually really good! Kyle, you have no idea what you're missing!

As the kids (minus Kyle) finish their brownies, a student enters the room and hands Mr. Garrison a note. Mr. Garrison reads it as the kid hurries away.

Mr. Garrison: Uh… [Looking up] Charlie, you're going to have to go down to Mr. Mackey's office for a talk.

Charlie: Huh? What'd I do?

Mr. Garrison: Nothing. But it's Mr. Mackey's job to talk with students with emotional problems, to help them sort out their feelings or some bull-crap like that.

Charlie stares at Mr. Garrison, looking quite unhappy with this turn of events, and Cartman lets out a shout of glee.

Cartman: Whoa-ho! Looks like Charlie's one of the weird kids!

Charlie: Nuh-uh! I am not!

Cartman: Yeah-huh! Only the weird kids get called to the guidance counselor to talk about their feelings.

Charlie glances over at Stan and Kyle, who nod and shrug in affirmation.

Stan: He's right.

Mr. Garrison: Hurry up, Charlotte, I've got a class of normal kids to teach.

Timmy (randomly, from the corner of the room): TIMMEH!

Description
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE--EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

The third grade students are standing around and talking in the classroom when the bell rings for school to start. Many of the kids are dressed up in suits, scrubs, etc. Mr. Garrison enters the room.

Mr. Garrison: Alright, children, let's settle down now. Take your seats. [The kids disperse and sit down in their seats.] Now, I hope you've all been working hard on your Career Projects, because we're going to start presenting them today.

Kyle (whispering to Stan): I'm gonna be a detective!

Stan (whispering to Kyle): I'm gonna be a marine biologist.

Cartman (snickering): You two are total fags.

Mr. Garrison: Now, who would like to volunteer to go first? [Clyde raises his hand.] Okay, Clyde, why don't you get us started?

Clyde wears a tuxedo and has his hair slicked back. He walks up to the front of the class and begins to read off of a sheet of paper.

Clyde (sounding choppy, since he's reading directly off the sheet): When I grow up, I will be a politician. I will help make laws to make America a better place. I will make meatloaf illegal and on Fridays, I will give everyone free ice cream. I will… also make a law to prevent animal shelters from putting puppies to sleep. Puppies are cute and cuddly. I do not want them to die.

Mr. Garrison: Gosh, Clyde, what are you going to do with all those stray dogs?

Clyde stares at Mr. Garrison for a moment, looking clueless about what to say next. Eventually, he just continues reading.

Clyde: I will make our economy better. I will make taxes lower and give money to the poor.

Mr. Garrison: How exactly do you expect that to work?

Mr. Hat: Yeah, it sounds like you have a pretty weak understanding of economics, Clyde.

Clyde (looking nervous): …Most of all, I want to be a politician because I want to help my local community. I will build parks and plant trees. I will build schools and roads and libraries, and everyone will love me. The end.

The class claps politely. Mr. Garrison writes down some notes on the presentation.

Mr. Garrison: God help the district that elects you, Clyde Donovan. Who's up next? How about Charlie?

Charlie eagerly hops out of her seat. She wears hiking boots, brown pants, a brown leather jacket, and a pilot's helmet and goggles (the goggles are on her upper forehead). She goes up to the front of the classroom, holding onto a rolled-up poster.

Charlie: When I grow up, I am going to be an airline pilot.

Cartman (looking dubious): Seriously?

Charlie: I'll be in charge of taking off, manning the plane, keeping an eye on the plane and the weather, and landing.

Mr. Garrison: That's very cute, Charlie, but unless you want to end up a failure like Clyde, you're going to have to give more detail than that.

Charlie: Okay.

She unrolls the poster. Inside is a detailed sketch of the interior of an airplane. The poster is titled "Boeing 787 Dreamliner." She sets it on the ledge of the chalkboard and points to the various aspects of the design with a collapsible metal pointer as she describes them.

Charlie: This is the design of my favorite model of airplane, the Boeing 787 "Dreamliner." It is a brand new model: its first commercial flight was just this October, there are only eleven of them in use! It is a long-range, mid-size, wide-body, twin-engine jet airliner developed by the Boeing Commercial Airplanes company. It can seat from 210 to 290 passengers, and it's the company's most fuel-efficient jet; it uses 20% less fuel than the Boeing 767, which is about the same size. It's got a four-panel windshield, noise-reducing technology on the engines, and a smoother nose contour. People: this [she points at the picture] is the future of long-distance air travel.

Cartman (yawning): That sounds lame.

Charlie: Does not!

Stan: Don't worry, Charlie. Cartman's just mad because he's too fat to be a pilot. He's so heavy he'd crash the plane.

Cartman: Hey! I'm not fat!

Mr. Garrison: Shut up! We've got a lot of these things to get through! [To Charlie] Let's wrap this thing up, Charlotte.

Charlie: In conclusion, I am going to be a pilot when I grow up because I'll get to go to all sorts of exciting places and use a Boeing 787. And I'll get to fly thousands of feet off the ground at high speeds in a giant hunk of steel and live. The end.

Charlie goes back to her seat. Cartman rolls his eyes and looks over at her.

Cartman: That was pretty embarrassing, kiddo. You're so butch, I think I can actually see a bulge down there.

Charlie glares at him but doesn't say anything.

Mr. Hat: Well, why don't you do your presentation next then, Eric, if you're gonna be a bitchy little smartass.

Mr. Garrison: That sounds like an excellent idea, Mr. Hat.

Cartman: Fine. I will.

Cartman walks up to the front of the room. He folds his hands behind his back and speaks in an unusually sweet tone.

Cartman: When I grow up, I am going to have the most wonderful, the most satisfying, the most AWESOME career ever. I… am going to be a chef. [The kids in the class start to snigger. Cartman's self-satisfied smirk turns into a glare.] Hey! Don't you assholes laugh at me!

Mr. Garrison: You watch your goddamn mouth, Eric, or I'm taking your ass to the principal's office!

Cartman (whining): But Mr. Garrison! They're being disrespectful while I'm trying to give my presentation!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, please. Don't give me any of that whiny baby bull crap.

Craig: Yeah, and being a chef is totally gay.

Cartman: I don't think anybody asked for your opinion, CRAIG! Now if I may continue… [He clears his throat.] I want to be a chef because I will be able to share my delicious creations and my love of food with the world. But mostly, I'll just eat.

Kyle: Yeah, like you need to spend any more time around food.

Cartman (glaring): You know what? Screw you guys! If you don't want to sample my caramel brownies, then I guess that's just more for me!

The other students stop snickering and lean forward in their seats.

Clyde: Did you say caramel brownies?

Cartman goes to his desk and pulls out a plate of wrapped-up brownies.

Cartman (in a sugary-sweet voice): Yes, Clyde, I did say "caramel brownies." I made them myself to share with the class. [His voice returns to normal.] But since they're being ASSHOLES, I guess I'll just eat them myself!

Mr. Garrison: Eric Cartman, you share your brownies with the class right now, young man!

Cartman: No!

Mr. Garrison (growling): Eric…

Cartman: Fine!

Cartman begins to distribute the brownies, giving one to each child—except for Kyle, whose desk he passes.

Kyle: Hey! You skipped me, fatass!

Cartman: Uh-huh.

Kyle: Give me a brownie, Cartman!

Cartman: [Finishes distributing the rest of the brownies] Fine fine—oh. Oh, wait…

Kyle: What is it?

Cartman (with feigned concern): Oh, wait a minute. Mr. Garrison, I forgot to make sure that I used kosher margarine…

Kyle: Wh—Huh?

Cartman (with the same pretend sympathy): Yeah. I guess that means Kyle can't eat them, huh? Sorry Kyle. What a bummer.

Charlie: Whoa, you can't eat that 'cause of your religion? Being Jewish must suck!

Kyle: No it doesn't!

Stan takes a bite of his brownie.

Stan: Whoa… these are actually really good! Kyle, you have no idea what you're missing!

As the kids (minus Kyle) finish their brownies, a student enters the room and hands Mr. Garrison a note. Mr. Garrison reads it as the kid hurries away.

Mr. Garrison: Uh… [Looking up] Charlie, you're going to have to go down to Mr. Mackey's office for a talk.

Charlie: Huh? What'd I do?

Mr. Garrison: Nothing. But it's Mr. Mackey's job to talk with students with emotional problems, to help them sort out their feelings or some bull-crap like that.

Charlie stares at Mr. Garrison, looking quite unhappy with this turn of events, and Cartman lets out a shout of glee.

Cartman: Whoa-ho! Looks like Charlie's one of the weird kids!

Charlie: Nuh-uh! I am not!

Cartman: Yeah-huh! Only the weird kids get called to the guidance counselor to talk about their feelings.

Charlie glances over at Stan and Kyle, who nod and shrug in affirmation.

Stan: He's right.

Mr. Garrison: Hurry up, Charlotte, I've got a class of normal kids to teach.

Timmy (randomly, from the corner of the room): TIMMEH!