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Threadbare South Park
Episode #3: "Sisters Suck"
(TSP Season 1 Episode 3)

NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. Being South Park, it has some naughty language. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade.
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ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE--EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY 'THREADBARE'...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

Sunday morning, the Marsh house: in Shelly's room, Shelly is beating Stan over the head with a shoe.

Stan: Ah, Jesus! Shelly, stop it! Stop!

Shelly: You stay in your corner, turd! You made me do this!

Stan runs out of the room and into the kitchen. His parents are there, dressed up nicely.

Stan: Mom!

Sharon: Stanley, why aren't you dressed yet? We have to be at the courthouse in less than an hour.

Stan: Mom, Shelly's beating me up again! She won't let me in her room!

Sharon: Oh, Stanley. You know that if you didn't touch Shelly's things she wouldn't get so upset with you.

Stan: That's totally not true! Shelly's a bitch! When do I get my old room back?

Sharon: I don't know, Stan, but it's Charlie's room for now. You want her to feel at home, don't you?

Stan: What, you mean we should get someone to beat her up and keep her in the backyard?

Sharon: Stanley!

Stan: Fine, whatever. I just don't want her to feel too much at home. She doesn't live here.

Sharon: Go get dressed, Stanley.

Stan: Right? She doesn't actually live here, does she? I mean, she's just staying here until they find her dad. And they'll find him soon. Right?

Sharon: I don't know, sweetie, but honestly, I don't like your attitude. Charlotte has been through a lot over the past few weeks, and I would like you to show a little more support.

Stan (muttering): It'd be easier to be supportive if she wasn't sleeping in my room.
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Meanwhile, upstairs in Stan's room, Charlie is dressed in a faded blue dress—a bit too big—with tights and old black dress shoes. She's still wearing her blue-green hat, and she still has some old bruises and scratches on her face. She's sitting at Stan's desk, looking out the window. Someone knocks at the door. Sharon comes in.

Sharon: Charlie, dear? How does Shelly's dress fit?

Charlie: Fine, Mrs. Marsh. Thanks.

Sharon: This is a big day for you. Are you nervous?

Charlie shrugs.

Sharon: Well, we'll be leaving in about fifteen minutes.

She leaves. A few seconds later, Stan enters the room. Charlie stands up.

Charlie: Oh, hi Stan. Are you looking for something?

Stan (rummaging through the closet): Yeah, just my nice shoes. [He suddenly looks at her.] Are you wearing a dress?

Charlie (embarrassed): Yeah, just one of Shelly's old ones. Your mom—

Stan starts laughing. Charlie gets mad.

Charlie: Shut up!

Stan (laughing): Dude, you look ridiculous. You look like a boy in a dress.

Charlie: Shut up! I do not!

Stan: Whatever, dude. [He suddenly notices something.] Oh my God!

He pulls an action figure out of the back of the closet. One of its arms is missing. Charlie turns around so her back faces him. She looks nervous. Glaring, Stan looks at her.

Stan: Charlie? Would you care to explain this to me, please?

Charlie (pretending to be distracted): Huh?

Stan: My G.I. Joe. What happened to my G.I. Joe?

Charlie: Um… your what?

Stan: Damn it, don't play stupid! What happened to my G.I. Joe?

Charlie turns to face him and sighs.

Charlie: I—It was an accident.

Stan: Damn it Charlie! Where is his arm?

Stan starts rummaging through the closet. Charlie uncomfortably holds onto one of her arms and looks at the floor.

Charlie: It was dark and I was walking to the bed and it was on the ground and I stepped on it. I'm really sorry.

Stan: What did you do with his fucking arm?

Charlie: Um, it should be back in the closet somewhere. If it's any help, it really, really hurt my foot.

Stan [holding up the missing arm]: Yeah. Thanks. I feel so much better. [He turns around and glares at Charlie.] You know, you are really starting to piss me off.

Charlie looks a little upset, but she doesn't say anything.

Stan: I hardly even knew you and you had to go and march into my house and steal my room and break my G.I. Joe. And now I'm stuck sharing a room with Shelly. This is my house, not yours! You can't just steal my room and wreck my stuff!

Charlie: I… I didn't mean to, Stan.

Stan (sighing): I know. But seriously… you'd better find your dad soon and get the heck out of my house.

Sharon (calling from downstairs): Charlie! Stanley! Come on, it's time to go!
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The scene opens to a courtroom in South Park. There is soft murmuring throughout the room. Just then, the bailiff announces:

Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Fagot.

Bailiff sniggers as people in the courtroom stand up. In one row are (in order) Ms. Cartman, Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Mr. and Sharon, and Shelly. Cartman laughs at the judge's name too.

Ms. Cartman: What's so funny, dear?

Cartman: The… hehe… the judge's name is all, like… hehe…

Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Randy snicker too. Sharon rolls her eyes.

Shelly: You guys are so immature! This is retarded.

The judge sits down and bangs the gavel.

Judge: Order in the court! This court is now in session.

Charlie is sitting uncomfortably in a chair in the front, looking at the ground. Gerald Broflovski sits next to her; he's her lawyer. Mrs. Pierzynski is the defendant. She looks nervous.

Judge: All right, so it appears that this sick-ass woman [points to Mrs. Pierzynski] is on trial for child abuse. You sicken me. People like you should be locked up and euthanized when no one's paying attention. You disgusting fiend. You little slut. Why, if I had it my way—

Bailiff nudges him in the arm.

Judge: Um, yes. Ahem. So, what does the defendant plea?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Innocent by reason of temporary insanity, your honor.

Judge: Oh, give me a break. Do we have a psychiatric expert here? [Courtroom is silent]. Anyone? No? Let's assume you're lying then. Jury, she's lying; take that into consideration.

Gerald to Charlie: That's good, that's good… Points to us, Charlotte, points to us. We have this case in the bag.
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A bit later, Gerald is speaking for Charlie.

Gerald: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to open by letting you know that I took on this case for absolutely no fee. Pro bono. Consider this community service. In fact, I turned down a man who could have possibly been a major client to further indulge in this case.

Jimbo (in the back of the courtroom): It's true. He did.

Gerald: And, ladies and gentlemen, do you know why I did that?

Silence. One man coughs.

Gerald: Because I believe so firmly that a woman like this [points at Mrs. Pierzynski] should not be out on the streets. She should be locked away and never released. This woman is evil. Absolute evil. Evil incarnate.

Charlie glances at her mother, then at the boys. Kenny gives a thumbs-up.
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Soon after, Kyle, a witness, is called up.

Gerald (whispering to him): Just act natural.

Mrs. Pierzynski: He's telling him what to say! He's giving him a script!

Judge: Shut up, you shrew! All right, son, proceed.

Gerald: So, Kyle, tell us about how you found Charlotte.

Kyle: Um… kind of dead looking, I guess.

Gerald: More detail, Kyle. What exactly… happened?

Kyle: Well, I was going to her house to… you know, to visit, so when I came in, her mom wasn't there, just her… little sister, so I found her lying in her own puke, and then… and then I threw up in the bathroom and then I called 9-1-1. Then I waited outside with her little brother and sister. And that's basically it.

Gerald: Do you know of anything HAPPENING to Charlotte BEFORE you found her?

Kyle: Well, I… um…

He glances at Charlie. She looks at her mom then back at him, and shrugs slightly.

Kyle: Well, yeah. I knew about… um… stuff.

Gerald: What kind of "stuff"?

Kyle: Bad stuff. I saw her mom yell at her and hit her. Charlie told me that her mom had hit her before; I guess it happened for awhile. [Pause] I have to go to the bathroom and throw up now.

Judge: You're dismissed.

Kyle: Thanks, your honor.

Gerald: Thank you, Kyle, for that incredibly articulate recount. May the next witness, Mrs. McCormick, stand up please?

Mrs. McCormick comes up in her "I'm with stupid" T-shirt.

Gerald: All right, Mrs. McCormick. You claim you saw the defendant running away from the house just before Miss Charlie Pierzynski was discovered unconscious on the ground?

Mrs. McCormick: Yes sir, I sure as hell did.

Gerald: Please recall in as much detail as possible the events of that afternoon.

Mrs. McCormick: Well, after Kenny died, I was busy cleanin' out his room, like I do every time he passes. So while I was doing that, I heard screaming from next door. Pierzynski over here told me early on that her kid screamed a lot, but I'd heard so much weeping and screaming from that house that I walked right over to tell her to shut her kid up. But she was running out of the house. So I told her to get the hell away from my property, and she ran right away. Then I went back inside and made waffles for dinner. The ambulances came then. So I went and got myself some popcorn and gin and watched the whole thing from my front yard in a folding chair.

Gerald: That's all?

Mrs. McCormick: Wait, I—

There is a long pause.

Mrs. McCormick: Yeah, that's all.

Gerald: Thank you, Mrs. McCormick. The prosecution calls its next witness, Dr. Tom Ripley, to the stand.

The doctor from the previous episode goes to the witness box.

Gerald: Thanks for being here today, Doctor.

Doctor: Thanks for having me.

Gerald: Now, you are the doctor who treated Charlie Pierzynski after the recent assault, correct?

Doctor: Yes, that's correct.

Gerald: Could you describe your patient's condition when she entered your care?

Doctor: Yes… But… But it won't be easy. It was pretty bad.

Gerald: Go on.

Doctor: You see, when little Charlotte entered my care, she was covered in bruises and scrapes which she appeared to have acquired over the past several months. She had an untreated broken nose from around a week before, and two of her fingers had sustained minor fractures over the past several months, also untreated. Her…Her breathing was labored. We had her hooked up to a respirator. She was unconscious from head trauma. [He starts to sniffle.] And she…she had potentially lethal levels of peroxide in her body, which she had ingested just an hour before I first began to work with her.

He starts crying pathetically. The judge and Gerald stare at him awkwardly.

Judge: Come on, man, pull yourself together!

Doctor: I…I'm sorry. It's just that no matter how many of these horrific cases I encounter, I never cease to be shocked by man's capacity for cruelty.

He continues weeping.

Gerald: Um… Do you have anything more to add?

Doctor: Sniff… No… No that's all. Wait, there is one thing… [He stands and points at Mrs. Pierzynski.] You whore! You demon of Hell! Return to the fiery pit from whence you came!

No one says anything for a moment.

Gerald: Thank you, Doctor. Now, with your honor's permission, I'd like to bring up my final witness. Would Charlie Pierzynski please approach the stand?

Charlie walks up and sits on the box.

Gerald: So, Charlotte, tell us what your mom did to you that resulted in your trip to the hospital.

Charlie: Um… Do I have to?

Gerald: If you want to see justice, then yes, you have to.

Charlie: Um… Well, she hit me. A little. And then… um… and then…

Gerald (leaning in): If you tell us everything right now, that woman will go to jail and she'll never be able to hurt you again. Come on, Charlie. I know you can do it.

There is a pause for a moment. Charlie seems to be thinking.

Charlie (loudly): Well, it all started when I was five. That's when Dad went on business trips every weekend. Mom got mad, so she had a bad temper. She started hitting me, and she would grab my hair to catch me when I tried to run away. So I cut my hair. You hear that, ladies and gents of the jury? My mom hit me so much that I cut my hair so she couldn't pull on it anymore! Is that abuse or what?

There are murmurs from the jury. Charlie looks please with herself.

Charlie: And then, and then, and then she started hitting me harder and she gave me a black eye, so we had to move. My teacher got suspicious. I moved about ten times in the last three years. Is that a shitty life or what?

Random man in the jury: That's a shitty life.

Charlie: After Davy was born, Dad came home less and less. And we moved without telling him. I don't even know how that's possible, but we did. Anyway, one day while my mom was kicking my ass, some kids from school came to the backyard, and they saw. And one of them told the guidance counselor.

Kyle looks down.

Charlie: And when the counselor called my mom about it, you know what she did? She punched me in the face and fed me bleach! Literally! Out of a bottle! She just fed me peroxide! Like a pimple! Or the hair of a chain smoker! (Standing up) My mom is evil and you'd better put her in jail or you will suffer the consequences. I will find you. I will personally come to each of your houses and kill your families!

Gerald: Um, okay, that's enough, Charlie.

Charlie: Kill! You hear me? I will kill your families! I hope you sleep well tonight. Thank you.

Judge: …Okay. You're dismissed.

Charlie goes back to her seat, looking proud. Then she stops smiling and suddenly looks kind of worried. Meanwhile, the boys are cheering, along with a few others in the courtroom.

Cartman: That kicked ass!
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At the end of the trial...

Man from the Jury: This jury hereby declares Mrs. Jane Pierzynski guilty on seven counts of child abuse and one count of attempted murder.

Courtroom cheers. Charlie looks down.

Judge: Then I hereby sentence Jane Pierzynski to forty-four years in prison with possibility of parole. How do you like that, bee-yotch?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Well, I-

Judge: This court is dismissed. Go now in peace to love and serve the Lord by always loving and serving each other.

All stare at him.

Judge: Get the fudge out of here.
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On the car ride home, Randy and Sharon are in the front, Kyle is in between Gerald and Kenny in the middle, and Charlie is in between Shelly and Stan in the back. (The Cartmans came separately.)

Randy: Charlotte, that was so cool when you threw all that crap at your mother in front of a packed courtroom. I mean, wow, that takes some serious guts after all she's done to you. That was amazing. Do you remember that, when you doomed your mother to a life in prison?

Charlie: No, I forgot all the fuck about it.

Randy: Good, I was hoping I could tell you about it again. Okay, so-

Stan (talking over his father): Seriously, Charlie, that was so cool. Your mom is gone forever, all thanks to you!
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Later, when everyone in the Marshes' car and the Cartmans are at an ice cream shop…

Cartman: That totally kicked ass. Your mom is gone forever, all thanks to you!

Charlie sighs, looking slightly irritated, and eats her sundae.
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Gerald and Kyle get into their car at the Marshes'.

Gerald: Don't worry, Charlie. It's all over now. Your mother is gone forever, and I have to say, it was all thanks to you.
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Inside Charlie's mind, everyone who had been at the court procession is saying, "It's all thanks to you! Your mom is gone forever! It's all thanks to you!"

Charlie: SHUT UP, DAMN YOU!

She and the Marshes are eating dinner. The Marshes stare at her blankly.

Charlie: Can I be excused?

She runs from the table and goes upstairs.

Randy: …I just wanted her to pass the mashed potatoes.

Charlie is in her (Stan's) room, sitting glumly at a desk, resting her head on her hand. She sighs, then picks up a pencil and a piece of paper. She begins to write.

Charlie's note/internal voice: Dear Dad: I haven't heard from you since my birthday. I know it's not your fault. Mom moved without telling you where we were going. You were right. She's a total bitch. Are you still in Nashville? I bet you are writing songs for all the stars, like Alan Jackson and stuff. I bet you will become a big sensation, and I will tell all my friends how cool you are. They will be jealous.

She pauses and taps her pencil on her chin.

Charlie's note/internal voice: Becca and Davy are fine. Mom is in jail now, so she won't move us around anymore. Too bad you're not here. Then we could live together. Right now I am in a place called South Park Colorado. I have some friends. I am living at one of their houses. By the way, I had to testify against Mom in court because she poisoned me but I'm okay but she's in jail for forty-four years. Please write back soon. Maybe tell me your phone number or something. Love, Charlie.

A knock comes at the door. Charlie quickly folds up the note.

Charlie: Come in.

Sharon enters.

Sharon: Charlie, are you okay?

Charlie: I guess.

Sharon: What's wrong? You just helped put your mom in jail; aren't you glad that she can't hurt you anymore?

Charlie: I guess.

Sharon: Then what's the matter?

Charlie: I just feel bad, maybe. I don't know. I miss my brother and sister and Daddy. And if I hadn't said that stuff today, maybe my mom would come home and we could all live together again.

Sharon: I see what you mean. But think on the bright side… you're finally safe, and you did the right thing, for you and for your brother and sister.

Charlie: I guess you're right. Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.

She gives Sharon a hug. Stan walks in just then.

Stan: Oh my God… Mom, what are you doing?

Sharon: I was just talking to Charlie. She was a little upset.

Stan: You traitor! You just hugged her! She's not even your daughter!

Sharon: Stan, what's the matter with you? I don't need to be related to someone to hug her.

Stan: Yes you do! You do when you're also feeding her and giving her clothes and a house and her own bedroom and making me and Shelly share one! Then it does!

Sharon: Stan, why don't you go to your room and think about how rude you're being?

Stan: It's not my room! It's Shelly's room! I'm already in my room. And I'm sick of sharing a room with Shelly. She only lets me sleep in the corner and she keeps spraying me with perfume! I smell like August Breeze!

Sharon: Well, then you should deal with that with Shelly.

Stan: I hate Shelly. And I hate Charlie. Sisters and fake sisters suck. This whole house sucks.

Charlie looks down. Sharon is angry.

Sharon: Stanley! You apologize to Charlie right now!

Stan: I'm sorry that I hate you and you're making my life miserable.

Sharon: That's it, Stanley! You are grounded for a week! Now get out of here and leave Charlie alone!

Stan: Gladly.

Sharon and Stan leave the room. As they exit and close the door, Stan peeks in again, looking really mad.

Stan: See what happened? Thanks to you, I'm grounded! I hope you're happy, dumb-ass.

Charlie: I didn't do anything.

Stan: Whatever. It makes sense that you wouldn't realize how miserable you made everyone in this house, considering you're such a goddamn selfish bitch. You don't even care that I have to give up my room and my parents have to buy food for you and stuff.

Charlie looks at him.

Stan: You just expect everyone to feel sorry for you, just because some bad stuff happened to you. Boo-hoo. Well guess what? [He hesitates, unsure of what to say next.] Fuck you!

He slams the door. Charlie stands there for awhile before she walks over to the dresser and starts unpacking. Charlie tosses a duffle bag out the window and then attempts to climb down with a rope of bed sheets, but slips and falls about halfway down.

Charlie: Ow.

Charlie walks down the street and goes to the first house and rings the doorbell. A grey-haired man answers the door.

Man: H-h-hello? What can I do fer you, young man?

Charlie: Can I live with you?

Man: I… uh, Prudence! There's a little boy prostitute on our front step!

Charlie closes the door herself and goes to the next house. They slam the door. So does the next, and the next, and the next…
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At the Marsh house, Randy and Sharon finish a long conversation with Stan.

Sharon: So do you understand why it's important to be at least a little bit nice to Charlie?

Stan: Yeah. Because she's a mentally disturbed little twit and I have to live with her for a month minimum.

Randy: Exactly! Now go say you're sorry!

Stan sighs deeply and walks over to his (Charlie's) room and opens the door.

Stan: Okay, you know what Charlie? I'm sorry about—

No one is there.

Stan: Charlie? Charlie?

He notices the window is open and that there are sheets hanging outside.

Stan: Oh, shit.

Sharon (from downstairs): Stan? Did you apologize?

Stan: Oh… Yeah, Mom! We're friends again! Um…

Stan (pretending to be Charlie, using high-pitched voice): Can I please go to bed, Mrs. Marsh? I've had an extremely exhausting day, being me and all.

Sharon: Okay, Charlie, good night. Did you take your medicine?

Stan glances at a bottle of pills on the dresser.

Stan as Charlie: Yes, Mrs. Marsh, I'm feeling very relaxed now. In fact, I think I'll sleep soundly all night and won't need you to wake me up in the morning 'cause I'll use this nifty-ass alarm clock of Stan's. He gave me permission.

Stan as Stan: Yep, I gave her permission, since we're friends again.

Sharon: Okay, goodnight. Stan, get out of there so she can sleep!

Stan (mumbling to himself): Stan, get out of there so she can sleep in your room, in your bed! Stupid-ass parents. [To his mom] Okay, Mom!

He shoves pillows under the blanket so it looks like someone's in the bed. Then he pulls the sheets out of the window and closes it. The sheets are dirty.

Stan: Damn it! Those are MY sheets!

He walks out of the room, turns off the lights, and closes the door.
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Charlie is still knocking on doors and still being turned down. Sighing and weary, she rings the doorbell of another house. The sound of numerous locks being undone can be heard from the outside and, at last, Butters opens the door.

Butters: Oh… um, hi, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi Butters. Can I live with you for a little while? I'm on the run.

Butters: Oh, gee, I don't know. I have to ask my mom first. She probably won't say yes. Uh, Mom!

Mrs. Stotch walks over.

Mrs. Stotch: What is it Butters? Oh, hello, little boy. What's your name?

Charlie: I'm Charlie.

Butters: But, Charlie, you're not a b—

Charlie (in an abnormally deep voice): I'm a boy all right. One hundred percent masculine. I was just coming over for the sleepover with Butters.

Butters: Huh?

Mrs. Stotch: I don't recall Butters asking me about any sort of sleepover…

Butters: I don't recall Charlie asking me about any sort of sleepover either.

Charlie: There's a sleepover all right. You bet we planned a sleepover. And my mom and dad went to a, uh, a concert tonight, so they aren't home and I have to stay here.

Mrs. Stotch: Butters, you're in big trouble for not telling us about this sleepover. I'd say three weeks grounded sounds fair.

Butters: Aw, rats, now I'm grounded. Okay, Mom. C'mon, Charlie.

Butters and Charlie go upstairs to Butters' room. Charlie drops her stuff on the floor and Butters gets her a sleeping bag from his closet.

Butters: So, uh, you're a boy after all?

Charlie: No. But your parents probably wouldn't let me stay if they knew I was a girl.

Butters: I'm surprised they let you stay anyway. It's a school night.

Mr. Stotch comes in with popcorn.

Mr. Stotch: I thought you kids would like some popcorn and healthy entertainment.

He hands them two CDs, one labeled "Jesus Jams by the Eternal Disciples" and the other "Mozart's Greatest Hits for Kids".

Butters: Thanks, Dad.

Mr. Stotch: You kids have fun. And be sure to turn out the lights by seven-forty-five.

Butters: Oh boy, fifteen extra minutes!

Mr. Stotch: That's right, my little man. By the way, did your mother ground you yet?

Butters: Uh-huh.

Mr. Stotch: Good! Have a nice night, boys.
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Later that night, Butters is lying in bed with his eyes open and Charlie is lying in her sleeping bag on the ground, also with her eyes open.

Butters: We still have ten minutes before we have to go to sleep.

Charlie: Yep.

Butters: Well, shouldn't we do some sleep-over stuff then, since this is sort of a sleepover?

Charlie: What did you have in mind?

Butters: Well, you know, talk about who we think is cute in school, and play MASH, and have pillow fights, and give each other makeovers… you know, sleepover stuff.

Charlie: You're thinking of girl sleepover stuff. Boys don't do that.

Butters: Hmm… Maybe that's why Tweek and Craig kicked me out of their sleepover and called me a pussy.

Charlie: Yeah, if I had to guess, I'd say that's why.

Butters: Well, what do boys do during sleepovers?

Charlie: Do I look like a boy?

Butters: Well, yeah, sort of.

Charlie: Oh. Yeah, I guess I do. But I'm not, so I don't know.

Butters: Do you think they still give each other makeovers?

Charlie: No, Butters, I don't think they give each other makeovers.

Butters: Oh. That's too bad. It sounds like fun. [He sits up.] Hey, Charlie? Wanna play a game?

Charlie sighs and sits up.

Charlie: What sort of game?

Butters: Well, I was playing Power Rangers before you got here. I've got them all: [he pulls out a box and displays them] the blue one, the green one, the red one, the pink one… Oh, and here's my favorite! The yellow one!

Charlie: I don't watch the Power Rangers.

Butters: Me neither. You don't have to. You just gotta use your imagination! Here; you can be the pink one 'cause you're a girl.

Charlie: Shh!

Butters: Oh, yeah, right. [Loudly] You can be the blue one, 'cause you're a boy.

Charlie: What's his name?

Butters: Oh, uh, he's, uh… Reginald Challerson. And this [the yellow one] is Emerson Welsh.

Charlie: …Seriously?

Butters as Emerson (using a deep voice): Reginald! Reginald!

Charlie as Reginald (using her normal voice): What?

Butters as Emerson: The evil Dr. Flotsam escaped from prison! He's planning his comeback, and he's bound to be out for revenge against us… the Power Rangers! [Singing in alternately deep and falsetto tones, backed up by an electric guitar] We are the Power Rangers! We are the Power Rangers! Fighting evil and stopping crime! Whenever there's trouble you know that it's time for Power Rangers! We are the Power Rangers!

Charlie stares at him.

Mrs. Stotch (peeking into the room): I'm turning out the light now, boys. Sweet dreams.

Butters: 'Night, Mom.

The lights are turned off. They lie in silence.

Charlie: Damn it, I forgot my medicine!
________________________________________

The next morning, Stan wakes up extra early to the alarm clock. He rushes into the bathroom, rushes out with toilet paper attached to his foot, and goes to the room where Charlie SHOULD be sleeping. He takes out the pillows and, when the alarm goes off, he switches it off himself. A few seconds later, a knock comes at the door.

Sharon (from outside): Charlie? You awake?

Stan as Charlie: Um… yes! But don't come in! …Um… I'm not decent!

Sharon: Okay, are you going to shower this morning?

Stan as Charlie: Um, okay!

He puts on the robe and towel (covering his hair) in Charlie's room, holds up a book so that his face is hidden, and walks out of the room.

Stan as Charlie: Morning, Mrs. Marsh.

Sharon: Morning, Charlie.

Stan hurries into the bathroom and gets in the shower himself, then exits the bathroom in the same disguise.

Stan as Charlie: Morning, Mr. Marsh.

Randy: Morning, Charlie. Reading Dante already, I see? I wish Stan would be as ambitious as you.

Behind the book, Stan looks pissed.

Stan as Charlie: Oh, I think Stan's twice as smart as me. I'm not reading this; I'm just using it to cover up my incredible hideousness. Tootles!

He runs into Charlie's room and changes into some of his own clothes in his dresser, then leaves when the hallway is clear. He grabs his backpack and runs out of the house quickly.

Stan: Bye Mom, bye Dad! Charlie's just in front of me!

Sharon: Stan, the bus isn't coming for half-an-hour!

Stan: We want to get a head-start! Bye!
________________________________________

At the bus stop, Stan is lying, open-eyed, on the ground when Kyle arrives.

Kyle: Dude. What are you doing?

Stan: I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I've been here for half an hour.

Kyle: Why?

Stan: Long story. Don't want to talk about it.

Kyle: By the way, where's Charlie?

Stan: She ran away last night.

Kyle: Dude! Why the hell would she do that?

Stan: 'Cause she's an unappreciative little bitch. I spent all morning covering for her so my parents don't know she's gone.

Kyle: Why don't you just tell them so they can find her?

Stan: 'Cause I'm already grounded. If they knew she was gone, they'd probably double it.

Kyle: Why are you grounded in the first place?

Stan: For telling Charlie that she's an unappreciative little bitch. But that's really not so bad. Because she is. She totally is.

Kyle: This is about sharing Shelly's room, isn't it?

Stan shudders. Kenny and Cartman walk up.

Kenny: (Dude. What are you doing?)

Stan: I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I've been here for half an hour. And I have the strangest sense of déjà vu.

Cartman: You think that's bad? My mom had to leave before she gave me breakfast just to take Becca to pre-school. Little kids suck ass.

Kyle: Really, Cartman? 'Cause it seemed for awhile like you actually LIKED her.

Cartman: You're crazy, dick-wad. I hate little kids, especially ones that come into my house and play with my toys. Which is what Becca did. Stupid little bitch.

The bus arrives. The boys get on, and Stan is shocked to see Charlie sitting next to Butters.

Stan: Charlie? What are you doing here?

Charlie: I didn't want to come, but Mrs. Stotch said truancy is a crime and kicked me out.

Kyle: Charlie?

Charlie: Hi, Kyle.

Kyle: So, I heard you ran away.

Charlie: Yup. My life on the high-road is just beginning.

Butters: It started at my house. We had a sleepover and I got to stay up extra-late. Is that cool or what?

Stan: You ran away to Butters' house?

Charlie: Kyle, tell Stan I'm not speaking to him anymore. And that, yes, I did run away to Butters' house 'cause he was the first one who actually let me in.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: I heard her, Kyle! Listen, Charlie, you have to come home after school! I had a hard enough time covering for you; my parents don't know you ran away yet! And you can't just stay at Butters' house.

Charlie: Kyle, tell Stan that I like Butters better than him and I'd rather live at his house.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: Damn it, I heard what she said!

Ms. Crabtree: DAMN IT, YOU CRAZY CHILDREN! I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY IF YOU DON'T SIT DOWN! HURRY UP!

Kyle and Stan sit next to each other across from Butters and Charlie.

Stan: Charlie, if you don't come home after school, then so help me God, I will personally come to Butters' house and kick your head in.

Butters: Um, Charlie, I-I think you should go home. My mom'll get pretty mad if we get blood stains all over the carpet and I'm already grounded.

Charlie: Stay out of this, Butters. Kyle, tell Stan that I'd like to see him try.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: Stop doing that, Kyle! Charlie, you need to come home or my parents are going to kill me!

Charlie: So what? You can have your room back now.

Stan straightens up, glaring at the ground. Kyle turns to Charlie.

Kyle: Charlie, Stan is glaring and mumbling to himself.

Stan: I am not!

Kyle: But he says he isn't.

Cartman: God damn it, you stinking Jew, stop doing that!

Kenny: (Kyle, Cartman says, "Goddamn it, you stinking Jew, stop doing that!")

Kyle: I heard him, you asshole!

Stan: Kenny, Kyle says he heard Cartman.

Pip: I think I'm speaking for everyone on this bus when I say, "Cut it out."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Charlie: Shut up, Pip.
________________________________________

Later that day, at school, the kids are doing silent reading. Mr. Garrison is grading papers. Stan crumples up a scrap of paper and throws it at Charlie. She turns around and glares at him.

Stan (whispering): PLEASE come back.

Charlie: No!

Stan: I promise not to yell at you anymore!

Charlie: I don't want to come back.

Stan: Why not?

Charlie: I'm tired of living here. I think I'm going to hitch-hike to Nashville.

Stan: What?

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, you little pussies! It's silent reading time!

They go back to their books. After a minute, Stan looks up.

Stan: Psst! Charlie!

Charlie glances up at him and shakes her head.

Stan: Charlie!

Mr. Garrison: Stan, stop talking to your little girlfriend and read the goddamn book!

Stan: She's not my girlfriend!

Wendy suddenly looks up, glaring. She scribbles on a piece of paper, folds it into a paper airplane, and shoots it to Charlie. She misses and it lands on Craig's desk. He opens it up.

Note: Back away from my man, whore! Love, Wendy

Craig glances up at Wendy. Wendy shakes her head and points to Charlie. Craig nods and passes it to her. Charlie opens up the note and reads it. She glances at Wendy, who glowers at her. Charlie crumples it up and throws it at Stan.

Stan: Ouch!

Mr. Garrison: I told you to shut up, Stanley!

Stan: It's not my fault! Charlie threw something at me!

Mr. Garrison: That's it! Stanley, Charlotte, you two had better shut up right now or Mr. Hat is going to fucking lose it!
________________________________________

At recess, Stan is standing with Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman when Charlie walks up to them.

Charlie: Look, Stan, can I talk to you?

Stan: Well it's about fricking time.

Charlie: In private?

Cartman: Oh, come ON.

Stan: Fine, whatever.

They walk over to the side of the school.

Stan: Look, I don't care about our "friendship" or anything. I just need you to come back home so my parents don't ground me any more than I already am.

Charlie: I'm not trying to get you in trouble, Stan. But I really don't want to go back to your house.

Stan: Stop being such an unappreciative little bitch! If you want me to act all apologetic, fine! I'm sorry! Are you happy now?

Charlie: No, because that's not even the problem! I'm not trying to steal your house or your room or your mom! Do you think I want to live in your house? I want to have my own house, with a mom and a dad and Becca and Davy! But I can't! I'm stuck with you, and I'm not thrilled about it either!

Stan (after a pause): Well… I didn't think that… it was about… that…

Charlie: Of course you didn't! You didn't think at all! You just thought I strolled in and took your room! But that's not what happened! Now that my mom's in prison, and I can only guess where my dad is, I can't live with my little siblings anymore, and I'm stuck in a place where no one wants me! Last I heard from my dad, he was living in Nashville because he wanted to write country songs. So I want to run away to Nashville once I get the chance. And when I get there, we're going to come back and get my brother and sister. And we can be a family again, like yours.

Stan: …Dude. I had no idea.

Charlie starts crying.

Stan: No… dude, come on, don't… don't cry.

He awkwardly tries to give her a hug.

Charlie: And the only reason I'm telling you this is because I didn't take my medicine last night so I'm extra emotional!

She continues sobbing. Stan stares at her, then at Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, who are watching, bewildered, from across the blacktop.

Cartman (shouting across the blacktop): Dude! Ask her if she wants to live at Kenny's house! I bet the abuse and rampant alcoholism will make her feel more comfortable!

Kenny punches Cartman in the head.

Cartman: Hey! Son of a…

Just then, Wendy walks up to Charlie and Stan, looking pretty pissed.

Wendy: Well, well, what are you two talking about way over here in private?

Charlie: None of your business.

Wendy: Well, it just so happens that Stan is MY boyfriend, so it is my business, you little slut!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Wendy jumps at Charlie and starts hitting her in the head. Charlie fights back and tries to escape by punching at Wendy's stomach. They each get a few good blows in before Kyle and Kenny break it up.

Kyle: Jesus, what's going on, dudes?

Charlie: Wendy called me a slut.

Kyle: Hey, don't call Charlie a slut! Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a slut!

Stan: Um, stop calling Charlie a slut, I guess.

Wendy (tearing up): But… but… Charlie is trying to steal Stan from me!

The five others say "Ew" or "What?" or "No!"

Wendy: It's true! That stupid bitch has been at him all day!

Kyle: Don't call Charlie a bitch! Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a bitch!

Stan: Um, stop calling Charlie a bitch, I guess.

Charlie: Wendy, that is absolutely NOT what's happening. I'm not interested in Stan. I mean, I am DEFINITELY not interested in Stan, and I never will be. Never. I mean, EW. Gross. No way. That's… That's just disgusting.

There is a pause.

Stan: That much?

Wendy: Well, you'd better be right. I'll be watching you, whore!

Kyle: Hey, don't call Charlie a whore! [Wendy starts walking away.] Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a whore!

Wendy is out of sight by now.

Stan: Stop calling Charlie a whore… uh, I guess…

They stand in silence for a few seconds, then Cartman starts laughing a little.

Stan (to Charlie): Your words are hurtful.

Charlie: Aw, come on. I just… I had to hyperbolize my sentiments to get my point across. You know? Just so that bitch knew I was serious.

Stan: Hey, don't call Wendy a bitch! Kyle, tell Charlie not to call Wendy a bitch!

Kyle: No way, dude. She's totally justified.

Stan: You're an asshole. [To Charlie] So I'm not, like, totally gross or anything, right? Like, you'd date me before you'd date Cartman?

Charlie: Oh, yeah, totally, no question.

Stan: Phew, that's a relief.

Cartman: Hey! Well, that's fine, I wouldn't want to date a dyke anyway! You know, your little sister is way cooler than you.
________________________________________

They're all on the bus ride home. Charlie sits across from Kyle and Stan and in front of Cartman and Kenny.

Kyle: So, you're really going back to Stan's house?

Charlie: Yeah, I guess.

Kenny: (Why are you going back there?)

Charlie: I don't really have anywhere else to go. Even if I got to Nashville, I probably wouldn't have ever found my dad.

Stan: Yeah, and even if I'd successfully pretended to be you for the next month, I'd still have to share a room with Shelly, and my parents would still ground me.

Kyle: I think there's a lesson we can take away from all this.

Stan: There is?

Kyle: Yeah. All families are messed up. Even ones that think they're perfect.

Charlie: That's a pretty crappy lesson, Kyle.

Kyle: Oh, sorry. I'm sure you can come up with something better.

Charlie: What about not taking what you have for granted?

Stan: That's pretty cliché.

Charlie: Morals are always clichés.

Cartman: You guys are retarded. I don't think I'll ever understand why I hang out with you.

Kenny: (Because they're the only people willing to spend time with you.)

Cartman: Well, while you present a valid point, Kenny, the sheer mass of their retarded-ness overwhelms all rhyme and reason.

Kyle: Do you guys want to come over later?

Stan: I can't. I'm grounded.

Charlie: I probably shouldn't either. I'm sort of the reason why Stan's grounded.

Cartman: I've got to babysit the goddamn preschooler.

Charlie: Hey, you'd better not use that kind of language in front of my little sister, or I'll kick you in the nuts!

Kenny: (I'll probably be dead by then.)

They all pause and look at Kenny, bewildered.

Kyle: You'll probably be dead by then? What do you think is gonna happen?

Kenny shrugs.
________________________________________

That afternoon after school, Charlie is back that the Marsh residence. She, Randy, Sharon, and Stan are all sitting around the table.

Stan: …So then I got up extra early and pretended to be Charlie all morning, so you guys wouldn't know she was gone. And I got out of the house early and when I got on the bus, she was there because she wound up at Butters Stotch's house and his mom made her come back to school. And we decided it'd be best to just tell you the truth about what happened. So… that was it. That's what happened.

Sharon: Well, Stanley, I'm very disappointed in you. You should have told us as soon as you knew Charlie was missing and we could have worked this whole thing out much more easily.

Stan: I know.

Charlie glances at him and then his parents, looking guilty.

Sharon, nodding to Randy: And I think extending your punishment by another week would be fair for that, wouldn't it?

Charlie: No, that's not fair.

Sharon: Charlie?

Charlie: It's my fault, Mrs. Marsh. I shouldn't have snuck out of the house. I was being a selfish jerk, taking you guys for granted. I mean, living here has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I spoiled it by acting like a brat and letting Stan get in trouble for my problems. He was just trying to cover for me. I was the one that ran away, not him. I don't think he should be grounded for it.

Randy and Sharon glance at each other. Stan smiles at Charlie.

Sharon: …Maybe we came down a little hard on you, Stanley. I know it's probably not easy to suddenly have to share your house.

Stan: No, it isn't.

Sharon: But it's simply not good parenting to lift a punishment under the encouragement of another child.

Stan: No, it isn't- Wait, what? That's not fair! What about Charlie? She snuck out!

Charlie: Yeah, can't you just take away his grounding and pretend none of this ever happened?

Randy: Relax, relax, I think I have a solution that'll even this whole thing out…
________________________________________

Two weeks later, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are over at Stan's house. They're in his room.

Kyle: Wow, you're lucky to be back in your own room. It sucks for you that Charlie wasn't grounded though.

Stan: Honestly, I feel bad for Charlie.

Kyle: Seriously? Why?

Stan: Her punishment was way worse than grounding.

Shelly (shouting from a distance): I told you not to touch my stuff and stay in your stupid little corner, turd!

Charlie: Hey, cut it out! Ouch! Ouch! Mrs. Marsh, she's doing it again!

Shelly: Don't be such a baby, I just slapped you!

Cartman: I have to be totally honest you guys… That girl freaking scares me.

Charlie: I'm bleeding! Mrs. Marsh!

Shelly: That'll teach you to feed my goldfish when I'm not around!

Sharon: Keep it down, girls!

Kyle: I have to agree with you.

Stan: Poor Charlie.

Kenny suddenly and inexplicably blows up.

Description
Threadbare South Park
Episode #3: "Sisters Suck"
(TSP Season 1 Episode 3)

NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. Being South Park, it has some naughty language. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade.
________________________________________

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE--EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY 'THREADBARE'...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

Sunday morning, the Marsh house: in Shelly's room, Shelly is beating Stan over the head with a shoe.

Stan: Ah, Jesus! Shelly, stop it! Stop!

Shelly: You stay in your corner, turd! You made me do this!

Stan runs out of the room and into the kitchen. His parents are there, dressed up nicely.

Stan: Mom!

Sharon: Stanley, why aren't you dressed yet? We have to be at the courthouse in less than an hour.

Stan: Mom, Shelly's beating me up again! She won't let me in her room!

Sharon: Oh, Stanley. You know that if you didn't touch Shelly's things she wouldn't get so upset with you.

Stan: That's totally not true! Shelly's a bitch! When do I get my old room back?

Sharon: I don't know, Stan, but it's Charlie's room for now. You want her to feel at home, don't you?

Stan: What, you mean we should get someone to beat her up and keep her in the backyard?

Sharon: Stanley!

Stan: Fine, whatever. I just don't want her to feel too much at home. She doesn't live here.

Sharon: Go get dressed, Stanley.

Stan: Right? She doesn't actually live here, does she? I mean, she's just staying here until they find her dad. And they'll find him soon. Right?

Sharon: I don't know, sweetie, but honestly, I don't like your attitude. Charlotte has been through a lot over the past few weeks, and I would like you to show a little more support.

Stan (muttering): It'd be easier to be supportive if she wasn't sleeping in my room.
________________________________________

Meanwhile, upstairs in Stan's room, Charlie is dressed in a faded blue dress—a bit too big—with tights and old black dress shoes. She's still wearing her blue-green hat, and she still has some old bruises and scratches on her face. She's sitting at Stan's desk, looking out the window. Someone knocks at the door. Sharon comes in.

Sharon: Charlie, dear? How does Shelly's dress fit?

Charlie: Fine, Mrs. Marsh. Thanks.

Sharon: This is a big day for you. Are you nervous?

Charlie shrugs.

Sharon: Well, we'll be leaving in about fifteen minutes.

She leaves. A few seconds later, Stan enters the room. Charlie stands up.

Charlie: Oh, hi Stan. Are you looking for something?

Stan (rummaging through the closet): Yeah, just my nice shoes. [He suddenly looks at her.] Are you wearing a dress?

Charlie (embarrassed): Yeah, just one of Shelly's old ones. Your mom—

Stan starts laughing. Charlie gets mad.

Charlie: Shut up!

Stan (laughing): Dude, you look ridiculous. You look like a boy in a dress.

Charlie: Shut up! I do not!

Stan: Whatever, dude. [He suddenly notices something.] Oh my God!

He pulls an action figure out of the back of the closet. One of its arms is missing. Charlie turns around so her back faces him. She looks nervous. Glaring, Stan looks at her.

Stan: Charlie? Would you care to explain this to me, please?

Charlie (pretending to be distracted): Huh?

Stan: My G.I. Joe. What happened to my G.I. Joe?

Charlie: Um… your what?

Stan: Damn it, don't play stupid! What happened to my G.I. Joe?

Charlie turns to face him and sighs.

Charlie: I—It was an accident.

Stan: Damn it Charlie! Where is his arm?

Stan starts rummaging through the closet. Charlie uncomfortably holds onto one of her arms and looks at the floor.

Charlie: It was dark and I was walking to the bed and it was on the ground and I stepped on it. I'm really sorry.

Stan: What did you do with his fucking arm?

Charlie: Um, it should be back in the closet somewhere. If it's any help, it really, really hurt my foot.

Stan [holding up the missing arm]: Yeah. Thanks. I feel so much better. [He turns around and glares at Charlie.] You know, you are really starting to piss me off.

Charlie looks a little upset, but she doesn't say anything.

Stan: I hardly even knew you and you had to go and march into my house and steal my room and break my G.I. Joe. And now I'm stuck sharing a room with Shelly. This is my house, not yours! You can't just steal my room and wreck my stuff!

Charlie: I… I didn't mean to, Stan.

Stan (sighing): I know. But seriously… you'd better find your dad soon and get the heck out of my house.

Sharon (calling from downstairs): Charlie! Stanley! Come on, it's time to go!
________________________________________

The scene opens to a courtroom in South Park. There is soft murmuring throughout the room. Just then, the bailiff announces:

Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Fagot.

Bailiff sniggers as people in the courtroom stand up. In one row are (in order) Ms. Cartman, Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Mr. and Sharon, and Shelly. Cartman laughs at the judge's name too.

Ms. Cartman: What's so funny, dear?

Cartman: The… hehe… the judge's name is all, like… hehe…

Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Randy snicker too. Sharon rolls her eyes.

Shelly: You guys are so immature! This is retarded.

The judge sits down and bangs the gavel.

Judge: Order in the court! This court is now in session.

Charlie is sitting uncomfortably in a chair in the front, looking at the ground. Gerald Broflovski sits next to her; he's her lawyer. Mrs. Pierzynski is the defendant. She looks nervous.

Judge: All right, so it appears that this sick-ass woman [points to Mrs. Pierzynski] is on trial for child abuse. You sicken me. People like you should be locked up and euthanized when no one's paying attention. You disgusting fiend. You little slut. Why, if I had it my way—

Bailiff nudges him in the arm.

Judge: Um, yes. Ahem. So, what does the defendant plea?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Innocent by reason of temporary insanity, your honor.

Judge: Oh, give me a break. Do we have a psychiatric expert here? [Courtroom is silent]. Anyone? No? Let's assume you're lying then. Jury, she's lying; take that into consideration.

Gerald to Charlie: That's good, that's good… Points to us, Charlotte, points to us. We have this case in the bag.
________________________________________

A bit later, Gerald is speaking for Charlie.

Gerald: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to open by letting you know that I took on this case for absolutely no fee. Pro bono. Consider this community service. In fact, I turned down a man who could have possibly been a major client to further indulge in this case.

Jimbo (in the back of the courtroom): It's true. He did.

Gerald: And, ladies and gentlemen, do you know why I did that?

Silence. One man coughs.

Gerald: Because I believe so firmly that a woman like this [points at Mrs. Pierzynski] should not be out on the streets. She should be locked away and never released. This woman is evil. Absolute evil. Evil incarnate.

Charlie glances at her mother, then at the boys. Kenny gives a thumbs-up.
________________________________________

Soon after, Kyle, a witness, is called up.

Gerald (whispering to him): Just act natural.

Mrs. Pierzynski: He's telling him what to say! He's giving him a script!

Judge: Shut up, you shrew! All right, son, proceed.

Gerald: So, Kyle, tell us about how you found Charlotte.

Kyle: Um… kind of dead looking, I guess.

Gerald: More detail, Kyle. What exactly… happened?

Kyle: Well, I was going to her house to… you know, to visit, so when I came in, her mom wasn't there, just her… little sister, so I found her lying in her own puke, and then… and then I threw up in the bathroom and then I called 9-1-1. Then I waited outside with her little brother and sister. And that's basically it.

Gerald: Do you know of anything HAPPENING to Charlotte BEFORE you found her?

Kyle: Well, I… um…

He glances at Charlie. She looks at her mom then back at him, and shrugs slightly.

Kyle: Well, yeah. I knew about… um… stuff.

Gerald: What kind of "stuff"?

Kyle: Bad stuff. I saw her mom yell at her and hit her. Charlie told me that her mom had hit her before; I guess it happened for awhile. [Pause] I have to go to the bathroom and throw up now.

Judge: You're dismissed.

Kyle: Thanks, your honor.

Gerald: Thank you, Kyle, for that incredibly articulate recount. May the next witness, Mrs. McCormick, stand up please?

Mrs. McCormick comes up in her "I'm with stupid" T-shirt.

Gerald: All right, Mrs. McCormick. You claim you saw the defendant running away from the house just before Miss Charlie Pierzynski was discovered unconscious on the ground?

Mrs. McCormick: Yes sir, I sure as hell did.

Gerald: Please recall in as much detail as possible the events of that afternoon.

Mrs. McCormick: Well, after Kenny died, I was busy cleanin' out his room, like I do every time he passes. So while I was doing that, I heard screaming from next door. Pierzynski over here told me early on that her kid screamed a lot, but I'd heard so much weeping and screaming from that house that I walked right over to tell her to shut her kid up. But she was running out of the house. So I told her to get the hell away from my property, and she ran right away. Then I went back inside and made waffles for dinner. The ambulances came then. So I went and got myself some popcorn and gin and watched the whole thing from my front yard in a folding chair.

Gerald: That's all?

Mrs. McCormick: Wait, I—

There is a long pause.

Mrs. McCormick: Yeah, that's all.

Gerald: Thank you, Mrs. McCormick. The prosecution calls its next witness, Dr. Tom Ripley, to the stand.

The doctor from the previous episode goes to the witness box.

Gerald: Thanks for being here today, Doctor.

Doctor: Thanks for having me.

Gerald: Now, you are the doctor who treated Charlie Pierzynski after the recent assault, correct?

Doctor: Yes, that's correct.

Gerald: Could you describe your patient's condition when she entered your care?

Doctor: Yes… But… But it won't be easy. It was pretty bad.

Gerald: Go on.

Doctor: You see, when little Charlotte entered my care, she was covered in bruises and scrapes which she appeared to have acquired over the past several months. She had an untreated broken nose from around a week before, and two of her fingers had sustained minor fractures over the past several months, also untreated. Her…Her breathing was labored. We had her hooked up to a respirator. She was unconscious from head trauma. [He starts to sniffle.] And she…she had potentially lethal levels of peroxide in her body, which she had ingested just an hour before I first began to work with her.

He starts crying pathetically. The judge and Gerald stare at him awkwardly.

Judge: Come on, man, pull yourself together!

Doctor: I…I'm sorry. It's just that no matter how many of these horrific cases I encounter, I never cease to be shocked by man's capacity for cruelty.

He continues weeping.

Gerald: Um… Do you have anything more to add?

Doctor: Sniff… No… No that's all. Wait, there is one thing… [He stands and points at Mrs. Pierzynski.] You whore! You demon of Hell! Return to the fiery pit from whence you came!

No one says anything for a moment.

Gerald: Thank you, Doctor. Now, with your honor's permission, I'd like to bring up my final witness. Would Charlie Pierzynski please approach the stand?

Charlie walks up and sits on the box.

Gerald: So, Charlotte, tell us what your mom did to you that resulted in your trip to the hospital.

Charlie: Um… Do I have to?

Gerald: If you want to see justice, then yes, you have to.

Charlie: Um… Well, she hit me. A little. And then… um… and then…

Gerald (leaning in): If you tell us everything right now, that woman will go to jail and she'll never be able to hurt you again. Come on, Charlie. I know you can do it.

There is a pause for a moment. Charlie seems to be thinking.

Charlie (loudly): Well, it all started when I was five. That's when Dad went on business trips every weekend. Mom got mad, so she had a bad temper. She started hitting me, and she would grab my hair to catch me when I tried to run away. So I cut my hair. You hear that, ladies and gents of the jury? My mom hit me so much that I cut my hair so she couldn't pull on it anymore! Is that abuse or what?

There are murmurs from the jury. Charlie looks please with herself.

Charlie: And then, and then, and then she started hitting me harder and she gave me a black eye, so we had to move. My teacher got suspicious. I moved about ten times in the last three years. Is that a shitty life or what?

Random man in the jury: That's a shitty life.

Charlie: After Davy was born, Dad came home less and less. And we moved without telling him. I don't even know how that's possible, but we did. Anyway, one day while my mom was kicking my ass, some kids from school came to the backyard, and they saw. And one of them told the guidance counselor.

Kyle looks down.

Charlie: And when the counselor called my mom about it, you know what she did? She punched me in the face and fed me bleach! Literally! Out of a bottle! She just fed me peroxide! Like a pimple! Or the hair of a chain smoker! (Standing up) My mom is evil and you'd better put her in jail or you will suffer the consequences. I will find you. I will personally come to each of your houses and kill your families!

Gerald: Um, okay, that's enough, Charlie.

Charlie: Kill! You hear me? I will kill your families! I hope you sleep well tonight. Thank you.

Judge: …Okay. You're dismissed.

Charlie goes back to her seat, looking proud. Then she stops smiling and suddenly looks kind of worried. Meanwhile, the boys are cheering, along with a few others in the courtroom.

Cartman: That kicked ass!
________________________________________

At the end of the trial...

Man from the Jury: This jury hereby declares Mrs. Jane Pierzynski guilty on seven counts of child abuse and one count of attempted murder.

Courtroom cheers. Charlie looks down.

Judge: Then I hereby sentence Jane Pierzynski to forty-four years in prison with possibility of parole. How do you like that, bee-yotch?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Well, I-

Judge: This court is dismissed. Go now in peace to love and serve the Lord by always loving and serving each other.

All stare at him.

Judge: Get the fudge out of here.
________________________________________

On the car ride home, Randy and Sharon are in the front, Kyle is in between Gerald and Kenny in the middle, and Charlie is in between Shelly and Stan in the back. (The Cartmans came separately.)

Randy: Charlotte, that was so cool when you threw all that crap at your mother in front of a packed courtroom. I mean, wow, that takes some serious guts after all she's done to you. That was amazing. Do you remember that, when you doomed your mother to a life in prison?

Charlie: No, I forgot all the fuck about it.

Randy: Good, I was hoping I could tell you about it again. Okay, so-

Stan (talking over his father): Seriously, Charlie, that was so cool. Your mom is gone forever, all thanks to you!
________________________________________

Later, when everyone in the Marshes' car and the Cartmans are at an ice cream shop…

Cartman: That totally kicked ass. Your mom is gone forever, all thanks to you!

Charlie sighs, looking slightly irritated, and eats her sundae.
________________________________________

Gerald and Kyle get into their car at the Marshes'.

Gerald: Don't worry, Charlie. It's all over now. Your mother is gone forever, and I have to say, it was all thanks to you.
________________________________________

Inside Charlie's mind, everyone who had been at the court procession is saying, "It's all thanks to you! Your mom is gone forever! It's all thanks to you!"

Charlie: SHUT UP, DAMN YOU!

She and the Marshes are eating dinner. The Marshes stare at her blankly.

Charlie: Can I be excused?

She runs from the table and goes upstairs.

Randy: …I just wanted her to pass the mashed potatoes.

Charlie is in her (Stan's) room, sitting glumly at a desk, resting her head on her hand. She sighs, then picks up a pencil and a piece of paper. She begins to write.

Charlie's note/internal voice: Dear Dad: I haven't heard from you since my birthday. I know it's not your fault. Mom moved without telling you where we were going. You were right. She's a total bitch. Are you still in Nashville? I bet you are writing songs for all the stars, like Alan Jackson and stuff. I bet you will become a big sensation, and I will tell all my friends how cool you are. They will be jealous.

She pauses and taps her pencil on her chin.

Charlie's note/internal voice: Becca and Davy are fine. Mom is in jail now, so she won't move us around anymore. Too bad you're not here. Then we could live together. Right now I am in a place called South Park Colorado. I have some friends. I am living at one of their houses. By the way, I had to testify against Mom in court because she poisoned me but I'm okay but she's in jail for forty-four years. Please write back soon. Maybe tell me your phone number or something. Love, Charlie.

A knock comes at the door. Charlie quickly folds up the note.

Charlie: Come in.

Sharon enters.

Sharon: Charlie, are you okay?

Charlie: I guess.

Sharon: What's wrong? You just helped put your mom in jail; aren't you glad that she can't hurt you anymore?

Charlie: I guess.

Sharon: Then what's the matter?

Charlie: I just feel bad, maybe. I don't know. I miss my brother and sister and Daddy. And if I hadn't said that stuff today, maybe my mom would come home and we could all live together again.

Sharon: I see what you mean. But think on the bright side… you're finally safe, and you did the right thing, for you and for your brother and sister.

Charlie: I guess you're right. Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.

She gives Sharon a hug. Stan walks in just then.

Stan: Oh my God… Mom, what are you doing?

Sharon: I was just talking to Charlie. She was a little upset.

Stan: You traitor! You just hugged her! She's not even your daughter!

Sharon: Stan, what's the matter with you? I don't need to be related to someone to hug her.

Stan: Yes you do! You do when you're also feeding her and giving her clothes and a house and her own bedroom and making me and Shelly share one! Then it does!

Sharon: Stan, why don't you go to your room and think about how rude you're being?

Stan: It's not my room! It's Shelly's room! I'm already in my room. And I'm sick of sharing a room with Shelly. She only lets me sleep in the corner and she keeps spraying me with perfume! I smell like August Breeze!

Sharon: Well, then you should deal with that with Shelly.

Stan: I hate Shelly. And I hate Charlie. Sisters and fake sisters suck. This whole house sucks.

Charlie looks down. Sharon is angry.

Sharon: Stanley! You apologize to Charlie right now!

Stan: I'm sorry that I hate you and you're making my life miserable.

Sharon: That's it, Stanley! You are grounded for a week! Now get out of here and leave Charlie alone!

Stan: Gladly.

Sharon and Stan leave the room. As they exit and close the door, Stan peeks in again, looking really mad.

Stan: See what happened? Thanks to you, I'm grounded! I hope you're happy, dumb-ass.

Charlie: I didn't do anything.

Stan: Whatever. It makes sense that you wouldn't realize how miserable you made everyone in this house, considering you're such a goddamn selfish bitch. You don't even care that I have to give up my room and my parents have to buy food for you and stuff.

Charlie looks at him.

Stan: You just expect everyone to feel sorry for you, just because some bad stuff happened to you. Boo-hoo. Well guess what? [He hesitates, unsure of what to say next.] Fuck you!

He slams the door. Charlie stands there for awhile before she walks over to the dresser and starts unpacking. Charlie tosses a duffle bag out the window and then attempts to climb down with a rope of bed sheets, but slips and falls about halfway down.

Charlie: Ow.

Charlie walks down the street and goes to the first house and rings the doorbell. A grey-haired man answers the door.

Man: H-h-hello? What can I do fer you, young man?

Charlie: Can I live with you?

Man: I… uh, Prudence! There's a little boy prostitute on our front step!

Charlie closes the door herself and goes to the next house. They slam the door. So does the next, and the next, and the next…
________________________________________

At the Marsh house, Randy and Sharon finish a long conversation with Stan.

Sharon: So do you understand why it's important to be at least a little bit nice to Charlie?

Stan: Yeah. Because she's a mentally disturbed little twit and I have to live with her for a month minimum.

Randy: Exactly! Now go say you're sorry!

Stan sighs deeply and walks over to his (Charlie's) room and opens the door.

Stan: Okay, you know what Charlie? I'm sorry about—

No one is there.

Stan: Charlie? Charlie?

He notices the window is open and that there are sheets hanging outside.

Stan: Oh, shit.

Sharon (from downstairs): Stan? Did you apologize?

Stan: Oh… Yeah, Mom! We're friends again! Um…

Stan (pretending to be Charlie, using high-pitched voice): Can I please go to bed, Mrs. Marsh? I've had an extremely exhausting day, being me and all.

Sharon: Okay, Charlie, good night. Did you take your medicine?

Stan glances at a bottle of pills on the dresser.

Stan as Charlie: Yes, Mrs. Marsh, I'm feeling very relaxed now. In fact, I think I'll sleep soundly all night and won't need you to wake me up in the morning 'cause I'll use this nifty-ass alarm clock of Stan's. He gave me permission.

Stan as Stan: Yep, I gave her permission, since we're friends again.

Sharon: Okay, goodnight. Stan, get out of there so she can sleep!

Stan (mumbling to himself): Stan, get out of there so she can sleep in your room, in your bed! Stupid-ass parents. [To his mom] Okay, Mom!

He shoves pillows under the blanket so it looks like someone's in the bed. Then he pulls the sheets out of the window and closes it. The sheets are dirty.

Stan: Damn it! Those are MY sheets!

He walks out of the room, turns off the lights, and closes the door.
________________________________________

Charlie is still knocking on doors and still being turned down. Sighing and weary, she rings the doorbell of another house. The sound of numerous locks being undone can be heard from the outside and, at last, Butters opens the door.

Butters: Oh… um, hi, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi Butters. Can I live with you for a little while? I'm on the run.

Butters: Oh, gee, I don't know. I have to ask my mom first. She probably won't say yes. Uh, Mom!

Mrs. Stotch walks over.

Mrs. Stotch: What is it Butters? Oh, hello, little boy. What's your name?

Charlie: I'm Charlie.

Butters: But, Charlie, you're not a b—

Charlie (in an abnormally deep voice): I'm a boy all right. One hundred percent masculine. I was just coming over for the sleepover with Butters.

Butters: Huh?

Mrs. Stotch: I don't recall Butters asking me about any sort of sleepover…

Butters: I don't recall Charlie asking me about any sort of sleepover either.

Charlie: There's a sleepover all right. You bet we planned a sleepover. And my mom and dad went to a, uh, a concert tonight, so they aren't home and I have to stay here.

Mrs. Stotch: Butters, you're in big trouble for not telling us about this sleepover. I'd say three weeks grounded sounds fair.

Butters: Aw, rats, now I'm grounded. Okay, Mom. C'mon, Charlie.

Butters and Charlie go upstairs to Butters' room. Charlie drops her stuff on the floor and Butters gets her a sleeping bag from his closet.

Butters: So, uh, you're a boy after all?

Charlie: No. But your parents probably wouldn't let me stay if they knew I was a girl.

Butters: I'm surprised they let you stay anyway. It's a school night.

Mr. Stotch comes in with popcorn.

Mr. Stotch: I thought you kids would like some popcorn and healthy entertainment.

He hands them two CDs, one labeled "Jesus Jams by the Eternal Disciples" and the other "Mozart's Greatest Hits for Kids".

Butters: Thanks, Dad.

Mr. Stotch: You kids have fun. And be sure to turn out the lights by seven-forty-five.

Butters: Oh boy, fifteen extra minutes!

Mr. Stotch: That's right, my little man. By the way, did your mother ground you yet?

Butters: Uh-huh.

Mr. Stotch: Good! Have a nice night, boys.
________________________________________

Later that night, Butters is lying in bed with his eyes open and Charlie is lying in her sleeping bag on the ground, also with her eyes open.

Butters: We still have ten minutes before we have to go to sleep.

Charlie: Yep.

Butters: Well, shouldn't we do some sleep-over stuff then, since this is sort of a sleepover?

Charlie: What did you have in mind?

Butters: Well, you know, talk about who we think is cute in school, and play MASH, and have pillow fights, and give each other makeovers… you know, sleepover stuff.

Charlie: You're thinking of girl sleepover stuff. Boys don't do that.

Butters: Hmm… Maybe that's why Tweek and Craig kicked me out of their sleepover and called me a pussy.

Charlie: Yeah, if I had to guess, I'd say that's why.

Butters: Well, what do boys do during sleepovers?

Charlie: Do I look like a boy?

Butters: Well, yeah, sort of.

Charlie: Oh. Yeah, I guess I do. But I'm not, so I don't know.

Butters: Do you think they still give each other makeovers?

Charlie: No, Butters, I don't think they give each other makeovers.

Butters: Oh. That's too bad. It sounds like fun. [He sits up.] Hey, Charlie? Wanna play a game?

Charlie sighs and sits up.

Charlie: What sort of game?

Butters: Well, I was playing Power Rangers before you got here. I've got them all: [he pulls out a box and displays them] the blue one, the green one, the red one, the pink one… Oh, and here's my favorite! The yellow one!

Charlie: I don't watch the Power Rangers.

Butters: Me neither. You don't have to. You just gotta use your imagination! Here; you can be the pink one 'cause you're a girl.

Charlie: Shh!

Butters: Oh, yeah, right. [Loudly] You can be the blue one, 'cause you're a boy.

Charlie: What's his name?

Butters: Oh, uh, he's, uh… Reginald Challerson. And this [the yellow one] is Emerson Welsh.

Charlie: …Seriously?

Butters as Emerson (using a deep voice): Reginald! Reginald!

Charlie as Reginald (using her normal voice): What?

Butters as Emerson: The evil Dr. Flotsam escaped from prison! He's planning his comeback, and he's bound to be out for revenge against us… the Power Rangers! [Singing in alternately deep and falsetto tones, backed up by an electric guitar] We are the Power Rangers! We are the Power Rangers! Fighting evil and stopping crime! Whenever there's trouble you know that it's time for Power Rangers! We are the Power Rangers!

Charlie stares at him.

Mrs. Stotch (peeking into the room): I'm turning out the light now, boys. Sweet dreams.

Butters: 'Night, Mom.

The lights are turned off. They lie in silence.

Charlie: Damn it, I forgot my medicine!
________________________________________

The next morning, Stan wakes up extra early to the alarm clock. He rushes into the bathroom, rushes out with toilet paper attached to his foot, and goes to the room where Charlie SHOULD be sleeping. He takes out the pillows and, when the alarm goes off, he switches it off himself. A few seconds later, a knock comes at the door.

Sharon (from outside): Charlie? You awake?

Stan as Charlie: Um… yes! But don't come in! …Um… I'm not decent!

Sharon: Okay, are you going to shower this morning?

Stan as Charlie: Um, okay!

He puts on the robe and towel (covering his hair) in Charlie's room, holds up a book so that his face is hidden, and walks out of the room.

Stan as Charlie: Morning, Mrs. Marsh.

Sharon: Morning, Charlie.

Stan hurries into the bathroom and gets in the shower himself, then exits the bathroom in the same disguise.

Stan as Charlie: Morning, Mr. Marsh.

Randy: Morning, Charlie. Reading Dante already, I see? I wish Stan would be as ambitious as you.

Behind the book, Stan looks pissed.

Stan as Charlie: Oh, I think Stan's twice as smart as me. I'm not reading this; I'm just using it to cover up my incredible hideousness. Tootles!

He runs into Charlie's room and changes into some of his own clothes in his dresser, then leaves when the hallway is clear. He grabs his backpack and runs out of the house quickly.

Stan: Bye Mom, bye Dad! Charlie's just in front of me!

Sharon: Stan, the bus isn't coming for half-an-hour!

Stan: We want to get a head-start! Bye!
________________________________________

At the bus stop, Stan is lying, open-eyed, on the ground when Kyle arrives.

Kyle: Dude. What are you doing?

Stan: I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I've been here for half an hour.

Kyle: Why?

Stan: Long story. Don't want to talk about it.

Kyle: By the way, where's Charlie?

Stan: She ran away last night.

Kyle: Dude! Why the hell would she do that?

Stan: 'Cause she's an unappreciative little bitch. I spent all morning covering for her so my parents don't know she's gone.

Kyle: Why don't you just tell them so they can find her?

Stan: 'Cause I'm already grounded. If they knew she was gone, they'd probably double it.

Kyle: Why are you grounded in the first place?

Stan: For telling Charlie that she's an unappreciative little bitch. But that's really not so bad. Because she is. She totally is.

Kyle: This is about sharing Shelly's room, isn't it?

Stan shudders. Kenny and Cartman walk up.

Kenny: (Dude. What are you doing?)

Stan: I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I've been here for half an hour. And I have the strangest sense of déjà vu.

Cartman: You think that's bad? My mom had to leave before she gave me breakfast just to take Becca to pre-school. Little kids suck ass.

Kyle: Really, Cartman? 'Cause it seemed for awhile like you actually LIKED her.

Cartman: You're crazy, dick-wad. I hate little kids, especially ones that come into my house and play with my toys. Which is what Becca did. Stupid little bitch.

The bus arrives. The boys get on, and Stan is shocked to see Charlie sitting next to Butters.

Stan: Charlie? What are you doing here?

Charlie: I didn't want to come, but Mrs. Stotch said truancy is a crime and kicked me out.

Kyle: Charlie?

Charlie: Hi, Kyle.

Kyle: So, I heard you ran away.

Charlie: Yup. My life on the high-road is just beginning.

Butters: It started at my house. We had a sleepover and I got to stay up extra-late. Is that cool or what?

Stan: You ran away to Butters' house?

Charlie: Kyle, tell Stan I'm not speaking to him anymore. And that, yes, I did run away to Butters' house 'cause he was the first one who actually let me in.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: I heard her, Kyle! Listen, Charlie, you have to come home after school! I had a hard enough time covering for you; my parents don't know you ran away yet! And you can't just stay at Butters' house.

Charlie: Kyle, tell Stan that I like Butters better than him and I'd rather live at his house.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: Damn it, I heard what she said!

Ms. Crabtree: DAMN IT, YOU CRAZY CHILDREN! I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY IF YOU DON'T SIT DOWN! HURRY UP!

Kyle and Stan sit next to each other across from Butters and Charlie.

Stan: Charlie, if you don't come home after school, then so help me God, I will personally come to Butters' house and kick your head in.

Butters: Um, Charlie, I-I think you should go home. My mom'll get pretty mad if we get blood stains all over the carpet and I'm already grounded.

Charlie: Stay out of this, Butters. Kyle, tell Stan that I'd like to see him try.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: Stop doing that, Kyle! Charlie, you need to come home or my parents are going to kill me!

Charlie: So what? You can have your room back now.

Stan straightens up, glaring at the ground. Kyle turns to Charlie.

Kyle: Charlie, Stan is glaring and mumbling to himself.

Stan: I am not!

Kyle: But he says he isn't.

Cartman: God damn it, you stinking Jew, stop doing that!

Kenny: (Kyle, Cartman says, "Goddamn it, you stinking Jew, stop doing that!")

Kyle: I heard him, you asshole!

Stan: Kenny, Kyle says he heard Cartman.

Pip: I think I'm speaking for everyone on this bus when I say, "Cut it out."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Charlie: Shut up, Pip.
________________________________________

Later that day, at school, the kids are doing silent reading. Mr. Garrison is grading papers. Stan crumples up a scrap of paper and throws it at Charlie. She turns around and glares at him.

Stan (whispering): PLEASE come back.

Charlie: No!

Stan: I promise not to yell at you anymore!

Charlie: I don't want to come back.

Stan: Why not?

Charlie: I'm tired of living here. I think I'm going to hitch-hike to Nashville.

Stan: What?

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, you little pussies! It's silent reading time!

They go back to their books. After a minute, Stan looks up.

Stan: Psst! Charlie!

Charlie glances up at him and shakes her head.

Stan: Charlie!

Mr. Garrison: Stan, stop talking to your little girlfriend and read the goddamn book!

Stan: She's not my girlfriend!

Wendy suddenly looks up, glaring. She scribbles on a piece of paper, folds it into a paper airplane, and shoots it to Charlie. She misses and it lands on Craig's desk. He opens it up.

Note: Back away from my man, whore! Love, Wendy

Craig glances up at Wendy. Wendy shakes her head and points to Charlie. Craig nods and passes it to her. Charlie opens up the note and reads it. She glances at Wendy, who glowers at her. Charlie crumples it up and throws it at Stan.

Stan: Ouch!

Mr. Garrison: I told you to shut up, Stanley!

Stan: It's not my fault! Charlie threw something at me!

Mr. Garrison: That's it! Stanley, Charlotte, you two had better shut up right now or Mr. Hat is going to fucking lose it!
________________________________________

At recess, Stan is standing with Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman when Charlie walks up to them.

Charlie: Look, Stan, can I talk to you?

Stan: Well it's about fricking time.

Charlie: In private?

Cartman: Oh, come ON.

Stan: Fine, whatever.

They walk over to the side of the school.

Stan: Look, I don't care about our "friendship" or anything. I just need you to come back home so my parents don't ground me any more than I already am.

Charlie: I'm not trying to get you in trouble, Stan. But I really don't want to go back to your house.

Stan: Stop being such an unappreciative little bitch! If you want me to act all apologetic, fine! I'm sorry! Are you happy now?

Charlie: No, because that's not even the problem! I'm not trying to steal your house or your room or your mom! Do you think I want to live in your house? I want to have my own house, with a mom and a dad and Becca and Davy! But I can't! I'm stuck with you, and I'm not thrilled about it either!

Stan (after a pause): Well… I didn't think that… it was about… that…

Charlie: Of course you didn't! You didn't think at all! You just thought I strolled in and took your room! But that's not what happened! Now that my mom's in prison, and I can only guess where my dad is, I can't live with my little siblings anymore, and I'm stuck in a place where no one wants me! Last I heard from my dad, he was living in Nashville because he wanted to write country songs. So I want to run away to Nashville once I get the chance. And when I get there, we're going to come back and get my brother and sister. And we can be a family again, like yours.

Stan: …Dude. I had no idea.

Charlie starts crying.

Stan: No… dude, come on, don't… don't cry.

He awkwardly tries to give her a hug.

Charlie: And the only reason I'm telling you this is because I didn't take my medicine last night so I'm extra emotional!

She continues sobbing. Stan stares at her, then at Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, who are watching, bewildered, from across the blacktop.

Cartman (shouting across the blacktop): Dude! Ask her if she wants to live at Kenny's house! I bet the abuse and rampant alcoholism will make her feel more comfortable!

Kenny punches Cartman in the head.

Cartman: Hey! Son of a…

Just then, Wendy walks up to Charlie and Stan, looking pretty pissed.

Wendy: Well, well, what are you two talking about way over here in private?

Charlie: None of your business.

Wendy: Well, it just so happens that Stan is MY boyfriend, so it is my business, you little slut!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Wendy jumps at Charlie and starts hitting her in the head. Charlie fights back and tries to escape by punching at Wendy's stomach. They each get a few good blows in before Kyle and Kenny break it up.

Kyle: Jesus, what's going on, dudes?

Charlie: Wendy called me a slut.

Kyle: Hey, don't call Charlie a slut! Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a slut!

Stan: Um, stop calling Charlie a slut, I guess.

Wendy (tearing up): But… but… Charlie is trying to steal Stan from me!

The five others say "Ew" or "What?" or "No!"

Wendy: It's true! That stupid bitch has been at him all day!

Kyle: Don't call Charlie a bitch! Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a bitch!

Stan: Um, stop calling Charlie a bitch, I guess.

Charlie: Wendy, that is absolutely NOT what's happening. I'm not interested in Stan. I mean, I am DEFINITELY not interested in Stan, and I never will be. Never. I mean, EW. Gross. No way. That's… That's just disgusting.

There is a pause.

Stan: That much?

Wendy: Well, you'd better be right. I'll be watching you, whore!

Kyle: Hey, don't call Charlie a whore! [Wendy starts walking away.] Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a whore!

Wendy is out of sight by now.

Stan: Stop calling Charlie a whore… uh, I guess…

They stand in silence for a few seconds, then Cartman starts laughing a little.

Stan (to Charlie): Your words are hurtful.

Charlie: Aw, come on. I just… I had to hyperbolize my sentiments to get my point across. You know? Just so that bitch knew I was serious.

Stan: Hey, don't call Wendy a bitch! Kyle, tell Charlie not to call Wendy a bitch!

Kyle: No way, dude. She's totally justified.

Stan: You're an asshole. [To Charlie] So I'm not, like, totally gross or anything, right? Like, you'd date me before you'd date Cartman?

Charlie: Oh, yeah, totally, no question.

Stan: Phew, that's a relief.

Cartman: Hey! Well, that's fine, I wouldn't want to date a dyke anyway! You know, your little sister is way cooler than you.
________________________________________

They're all on the bus ride home. Charlie sits across from Kyle and Stan and in front of Cartman and Kenny.

Kyle: So, you're really going back to Stan's house?

Charlie: Yeah, I guess.

Kenny: (Why are you going back there?)

Charlie: I don't really have anywhere else to go. Even if I got to Nashville, I probably wouldn't have ever found my dad.

Stan: Yeah, and even if I'd successfully pretended to be you for the next month, I'd still have to share a room with Shelly, and my parents would still ground me.

Kyle: I think there's a lesson we can take away from all this.

Stan: There is?

Kyle: Yeah. All families are messed up. Even ones that think they're perfect.

Charlie: That's a pretty crappy lesson, Kyle.

Kyle: Oh, sorry. I'm sure you can come up with something better.

Charlie: What about not taking what you have for granted?

Stan: That's pretty cliché.

Charlie: Morals are always clichés.

Cartman: You guys are retarded. I don't think I'll ever understand why I hang out with you.

Kenny: (Because they're the only people willing to spend time with you.)

Cartman: Well, while you present a valid point, Kenny, the sheer mass of their retarded-ness overwhelms all rhyme and reason.

Kyle: Do you guys want to come over later?

Stan: I can't. I'm grounded.

Charlie: I probably shouldn't either. I'm sort of the reason why Stan's grounded.

Cartman: I've got to babysit the goddamn preschooler.

Charlie: Hey, you'd better not use that kind of language in front of my little sister, or I'll kick you in the nuts!

Kenny: (I'll probably be dead by then.)

They all pause and look at Kenny, bewildered.

Kyle: You'll probably be dead by then? What do you think is gonna happen?

Kenny shrugs.
________________________________________

That afternoon after school, Charlie is back that the Marsh residence. She, Randy, Sharon, and Stan are all sitting around the table.

Stan: …So then I got up extra early and pretended to be Charlie all morning, so you guys wouldn't know she was gone. And I got out of the house early and when I got on the bus, she was there because she wound up at Butters Stotch's house and his mom made her come back to school. And we decided it'd be best to just tell you the truth about what happened. So… that was it. That's what happened.

Sharon: Well, Stanley, I'm very disappointed in you. You should have told us as soon as you knew Charlie was missing and we could have worked this whole thing out much more easily.

Stan: I know.

Charlie glances at him and then his parents, looking guilty.

Sharon, nodding to Randy: And I think extending your punishment by another week would be fair for that, wouldn't it?

Charlie: No, that's not fair.

Sharon: Charlie?

Charlie: It's my fault, Mrs. Marsh. I shouldn't have snuck out of the house. I was being a selfish jerk, taking you guys for granted. I mean, living here has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I spoiled it by acting like a brat and letting Stan get in trouble for my problems. He was just trying to cover for me. I was the one that ran away, not him. I don't think he should be grounded for it.

Randy and Sharon glance at each other. Stan smiles at Charlie.

Sharon: …Maybe we came down a little hard on you, Stanley. I know it's probably not easy to suddenly have to share your house.

Stan: No, it isn't.

Sharon: But it's simply not good parenting to lift a punishment under the encouragement of another child.

Stan: No, it isn't- Wait, what? That's not fair! What about Charlie? She snuck out!

Charlie: Yeah, can't you just take away his grounding and pretend none of this ever happened?

Randy: Relax, relax, I think I have a solution that'll even this whole thing out…
________________________________________

Two weeks later, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are over at Stan's house. They're in his room.

Kyle: Wow, you're lucky to be back in your own room. It sucks for you that Charlie wasn't grounded though.

Stan: Honestly, I feel bad for Charlie.

Kyle: Seriously? Why?

Stan: Her punishment was way worse than grounding.

Shelly (shouting from a distance): I told you not to touch my stuff and stay in your stupid little corner, turd!

Charlie: Hey, cut it out! Ouch! Ouch! Mrs. Marsh, she's doing it again!

Shelly: Don't be such a baby, I just slapped you!

Cartman: I have to be totally honest you guys… That girl freaking scares me.

Charlie: I'm bleeding! Mrs. Marsh!

Shelly: That'll teach you to feed my goldfish when I'm not around!

Sharon: Keep it down, girls!

Kyle: I have to agree with you.

Stan: Poor Charlie.

Kenny suddenly and inexplicably blows up.