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thunder-my-hero — Exerpt numero dos
Published: 2006-03-08 05:20:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 67; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description The dawn creeped up over the trees. The sun even seemed reluctant to wake from its slumber. I woke up again and stretched the grounds pains away. I had to get going if I was to make Vorex by tomorrow evening. I decided to go East.I would probably hit a village somewhere and then end up taking some main roads back to Vorex. Ever since I had lost Nimue I have been doing a lot of walking.

The forest was dense and hard to walk through. The trees were huge and it was difficult to keep my bearings. The foliage on the floor kept catching on my ankles and making me stumble. The most unbearable hardship was the mud. There were sinkholes everywhere. One had almost claimed my life, and now I had mud up to my armpits to prove it.

The forest started to thin out. More dirt was visible on the floor and trees were thinner and younger. In the distant I could hear people and some animals. It sounded not too far off.

The village was mid-size and had some of the main routes going through it. Walking down the main street I felt considerably exposed. I had no cloak or glasses to hide behind. I didn’t receive and vocal remarks, but plenty of distasteful looks. I didn’t even stop for necessities. I had to get out of there. As quickly as possible I found the main road and left.

The road was dusty and well tread. A merchant or carriage would pass by every few minutes. I noticed some dark clouds were blowing in my way. I looked at them scornfully, and regrettably hoped I would make it to a town before it rained.

A few more carriages went by and the clouds were nearly on top of me. It had only been mid-morning and the clouds darkened the sky to the point of dusk. The color of them was as confusing as a newly formed bruise. A deep boom sounds from the skies throat before curtains of rain fell.

I didn’t even try to cover up. It would have been useless. I was drenched through. My hair felt wet and heavy, and it clung to my face. My clothes weighed down my whole body from all the excess water. Carriages kept passing by me splashing the mud puddles all over my already wet form. This is why I loved the rain. If I cried it would give the world the satisfaction of winning. Since I couldn’t cry, the rain cried in my stead.

As I look up I feel the raindrops fall down my face and I feel their real meaning. They are my tears that I will never shed. I refuse to show that weakness. The only way to entirely strong is to rid myself of all emotions. With no emotions there are no feelings to be hurt, and no burn when someone betrays you. It’s the one reason why I block out people. They create an emotional spot on your heart that becomes the ‘perfect’ target. No ‘targets’, no weakness, then no pain.

The rain poured with no sign of letting up. I had torn a piece of cloth from the bottom of my shirt to tie back my hair. I walked with no definite purpose. My body became numb from the cold rain and then my mind soon after. The dirt road turned into a dull gray and a wave of water landed on me adding to my chill. A carriage pulling to the side of the road struck me out of my stupor. I was going to walk around it when glossy black door opened and I was looking into red eyes. Rylo offered his hand out to me and I took it.

If I had to trust anyone it would be him. He taught everything I knew, and I had yet to learn more. He was who I wished to be someday. The carriage jerked forward and the steady trot of the horses was the only sound. Small lamps on either side caste a glow that illuminated very little. He sat in the shadowed corner and his flamed-colored eyes were the only things I could see. He didn’t say a word and his eyes merely calculated me. I looked down at my lap and concentrated on the rains patter on the roof.

“Your lucky I happened to be returning to the capital on this road or you would’ve gotten terribly sick by the time you’d have gotten there.” His voice was like deep chocolate melting on your tongue. I could tell by the way he sounded he wasn’t on guard. It made me relax and sink into the soft cushions. Even in the dark I could make out the smooth navy color. With the steady trot and patter of the rain my eyes closed and I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
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Comments: 2

Daughterofthewind [2006-03-09 02:42:10 +0000 UTC]

Hmmmm.....where to start....

It is a good beginning but yeah it does need alot of work (sorry but it must be said). I would help but really there is too much to help and I don't think I could fit it all.

But don't get me wrong! It is a very good start and you could go really far with it. My suggestions are that you put ALOT more details in and that you chose a perspective. Are you going to talk in third or first? And unless this is apart of your story and not in order or you have already explained it, I got absolutley no idea of who you were talking about. I don't know if its a girl or guy what he/she looks like why they are running whats going on. Its all very confusing and you are showing and not telling.
*gets into creatve writing mode* You must show the reader what you are saying not just list what is going on.

It would help if we had the whole piece and knew what was happening, then I could help you more. But just fix your details and descriptions and showing and not telling and you're all set.

Good luck! ^ ^

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thunder-my-hero In reply to Daughterofthewind [2006-03-09 03:06:55 +0000 UTC]

No need to freak out from the criticism. I asked for it and even I desperatly saw all the work the thing needs. So say everything little thing your little guru creative writing mind can think of. I'll read through it and try to add more. I'm no author but i take advice in every account.

danke shan

lurve

toodle pip

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