kinglyaxeman [2004-09-05 04:48:51 +0000 UTC]

I think that the weakest part of this poem is its lack of imagery. I have no idea what you look like, what your bed looks like, what you see the world like. How, then, am I supposed to be able to come close to comprehending your feelings? The subject matter is, of course, a little common among teenaged poets, but that shouldn't stop you from trying an original take on it. Compare it to something, maybe. Extended metaphor is a fun way to write, and it helps people understand. "Oh, I can see how cleaning up my room would be like turning over a new leaf in my life," and other things like that.

You also ask questions. It's really hard to do so effectively in poetry. You made it even harder on yourself by asking a "you" that is in fact only one person. You effectively alienate every other reader of the poem. That's fine if you want it to be a personal piece, but for public work, you have to have every reader feel like they've gotten something from the poem. This doesn't need to be anything profound. I could write a poem about, say, walking my cat, which is in fact a metaphor for... uh... making someone change. However, even if people didn't get the metaphor, they could walk away thinking, "hmm, that's an interesting idea. I haven't walked a cat before, and I guess that's what it must be like."

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