tauy [2009-04-28 01:34:06 +0000 UTC]

This really delayed since you posted this a while ago, but I do like this. As Trish said, it's simple. Only one thing--watch the spelling of the word "breathe". I'm not sure if you meant "breath", as in the noun, or "breathe", as in the verb, but I'm assuming the former. Overall, really good. I'd like to see more poetry from you.

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GoddessOfTheRealm [2009-04-15 02:12:09 +0000 UTC]

Elliot, this is really good. I like what you're trying to get across. But I have suggestions for future reference (they're just suggestions - it's not like I'm criticizing you). When writing poetry, it's usually better to focus on a certain moment and describe the scene at that time instead of getting philosophical, because the descriptions are what really catch the reader's eye (at least that's what Mr. Murphy told me). Sometimes by trying to get a particular message across by actually saying it won't captivate your audience, so by just hinting at your purpose - you're captivating them AND making them think. That's what I think. Otherwise, nice work :thumbs up:

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Yo-yoMaster [2009-04-13 00:29:16 +0000 UTC]

Lol. I was thinking about doing a poem in response to this called "Shitting." It would go as such:
"He waits.
No…
He enjoys
Sitting – the place is insignificant
Hands intertwined
For a moment, all is lost
All is gone forever
Except one
No breathe
One heartbeat
Beating
Two eyes
Two
There is no need for piss"

etc.

It's funny, right? No? Whatever. I'm going crazy. Lol.

Anyway, neato stuff. And to think that I've been wasting all my heartbeats. They just keep leaving! One second wasted. And another. I've only got so long to live. Oh man...

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SecretsBehindWishes [2009-04-12 23:48:44 +0000 UTC]

I like how simple and concise it is.

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