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undulate — people are trying to sleep.
Published: 2004-03-20 01:28:51 +0000 UTC; Views: 466; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 66
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Description five blocks past the pink house with a brown roof, three blocks past the building with sixteen windows and no numbers, and one block after the orange haired lady with forty cats is the cemetary.  every friday night i travel past my landmarks to the east gate.  it is always locked, so i climb the fence, careful not to make a noise, people are trying to sleep.   

there's always a fresh grave near the olive tree in the north lot.  an old man, "beloved friend."  i sit down with him and we talk about his life.  he isn't married and hasn't fathered a child.  he loves and misses his mamma.  his ground smells strongly of the summer heat.

not far off, a little girl 1999-2004 "sydney anne conrad. she was all smiles." a cute little girl with lopsided pigtails. she loves hopscotch and wants to marry her uncle mike.  if she can't marry him, then her teacher will do.  i read her a bedtime story and she falls asleep hugging the doll her uncle  gave her.  

the man who killed my father rests near by.  he had a good reason to hate him, but i think he's starting to feel bad.  i try to console him, but he's a stubborn man.  hard headed even in victory.  he out ran the police and my mother and made it mexico.  when he got there he acquired food poisoning and died.  his family brought him back to lay with his brother.  

i make my rounds and introduce myself to the new members of my family.  they're all tired, they say.  it's late, can't i come back in the morning? i laugh with them and continue on avoiding the west gate; the graves there smell like rabbit food.  


my mother says that i make things up and that i shouldn't be bothering people when they're sleeping, but the orange haired lady with forty cats leaves a new book for me every friday so that i'll read to her granddaughter.
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Comments: 28

TehDarkPredator [2005-09-23 18:01:13 +0000 UTC]

You have talent...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

undulate In reply to TehDarkPredator [2005-09-24 04:00:57 +0000 UTC]

thank you. ^.^

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

m-ani-mal [2004-09-28 14:33:03 +0000 UTC]

this is pretty good, i enjoy this style of writing - the subject is interesting and lends itself to original twists, nice metaphors - imagery, reads fluently, soem of the punctuation is a bit off ... the last two stanzas kinda put me off, they don't really seem to fit, feels unfinished, the ending is disorientating, like trying to cram a ball shaped object in a star shaped opening

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undulate In reply to m-ani-mal [2004-09-29 00:01:10 +0000 UTC]

i love comments like this. i want to it.

i have horrible punctuation when i'm passionate about writing something. it only gets worse when i'm tired.

there's a lot of work to be done on this, i just haven't gotten around to doing said work. thank you for the pointers, though. i really appreciate pointed advice. ^_^

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millykid In reply to undulate [2004-09-29 09:36:10 +0000 UTC]



ur very welcome!

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geeimsoloved [2004-07-15 18:12:41 +0000 UTC]

Absolutely beautiful, I like the very beginning and very ending best. I like the way you describe the cemetery in terms of everything else, and the way the orange-haired lady "leaves" you a book rather than gives you one. I really like the title too.

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undulate In reply to geeimsoloved [2004-07-18 11:20:20 +0000 UTC]

i like you! you can be my new best friend and help to make my head swell and take over australia. ^_-

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geeimsoloved In reply to undulate [2004-07-18 15:48:19 +0000 UTC]

LOL

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cannedsanity [2004-05-27 23:22:42 +0000 UTC]

you have a beautiful mind. creating a story like this and putting it into writing is a gift. very well done.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

undulate In reply to cannedsanity [2004-05-28 00:37:32 +0000 UTC]

<3 your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

gypsyend0rphin [2004-04-12 08:32:55 +0000 UTC]

Wow, very refreshing to read something different to what you usually see. An interesting and somewhat complex piece although the narration is from the POV of someone almost childlike.

I liked the opening, especially how the lady with the cats was the linking piece between the beginning, middle and end but that first small piece "five blocks past the pink house with a brown roof" seems a bit pointless to me, it doesn't really add anything to the development of character or plot. It draws out the opening sentence which means that first little bit doesn't flow as well IMHO.

I agree with *Onic about the idea of the beloved man with the fresh grave, that little bit threw me a little also.

All up though I think the concept and the way it's written is pretty wonderful, just with a little revision it could be even better though. Nice job!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

undulate In reply to gypsyend0rphin [2004-04-12 10:45:03 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much for the advice. like i said i'll be fixing this one up. it's my baby and i'm really trying to make it work. i'll definately let you know when i've fixed it all up. ^_^

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gypsyend0rphin In reply to undulate [2004-04-12 11:04:12 +0000 UTC]

I really do think it's wonderful so I can't wait to se it once you've tweaked it a little, it has so much potential.

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Onic [2004-04-07 07:09:19 +0000 UTC]

this is the opposite of what i usually see. it has a good ending but the beginning needs some work. that first line distracts me. I would suggest thinking through it and make it flow more smoothly.

the old man, "beloved friend", and his grave that is always fresh throws me. i think you mean it's always well kept, but 'fresh grave' makes it sound like it has been dug up every week. maybe that line belongs better in front of the part about meeting the newbies.

there are a few grammatical issues, but if you're worried about that you can just write it out in a word processor.

all in all a good read, i really like that last line.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

undulate In reply to Onic [2004-04-07 07:49:49 +0000 UTC]

i can't thank you enough for the tips. i'll note you when i make revisions. ^_^

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Onic In reply to undulate [2004-04-07 07:51:58 +0000 UTC]

oh i thought i was getting a kiss. np

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squill [2004-03-30 05:01:17 +0000 UTC]

This is absoloutley beautiful.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

undulate In reply to squill [2004-03-30 19:38:27 +0000 UTC]

thank you! ^_^

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

SittingDistance [2004-03-22 20:01:41 +0000 UTC]

wow, what a complex piece.

I find it interesting that in the story, "You" talk to the man who killed "your" father rather than talk to "your" father.

The opening works well here; it has a fairytale flavor that paves the way for the magical realism of the piece as a whole.

The recurrance of "People are trying to sleep" with different meaning is really a nice touch; this entire piece seems somewhat cyclical in nature.

I'm bad at plotting fiction; this has inspired me to practice by writing very short pieces. So, thank you very much!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

SittingDistance [2004-03-22 20:01:26 +0000 UTC]

wow, what a complex piece.

I find it interesting that in the story, "You" talk to the man who killed "your" father rather than talk to "your" father.

The opening works well here; it has a fairytale flavor that paves the way for the magical realism of the piece as a whole.

The recurrance of "People are trying to sleep" with different meaning is really a nice touch; this entire piece seems somewhat cyclical in nature.

I'm bad at plotting fiction; this has inspired me to practice by writing very short pieces. So, thank you very much!

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

SittingDistance In reply to SittingDistance [2004-03-23 04:49:09 +0000 UTC]

Good! We'll get along just fine, then.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

undulate In reply to SittingDistance [2004-03-22 20:07:59 +0000 UTC]

no, thank you. i love comments that give me advice on my nexy pieces. ^_^

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jraub [2004-03-20 16:59:48 +0000 UTC]

Fuck. This one killed me. I liked it, and then the ending FUCKING KILLED ME. I'm gwan go wimper in the corner and be sad, 'kay?

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orangetot [2004-03-20 08:30:55 +0000 UTC]

My God.
I so badly want to fav this but i think i'll end up faving all your work if i do.
Out of curiousity, how long does it take you to write these pieces?
I'm gonna have to study your work, find out how you create the perfect images is a couple of lines. you have such an amazing talent!
I love the way that everything sounds so throw away but touching at the same time. It sounds like a childs PoV. (just this once, not in other pieces)
I very honestly cant point out anything wrong with this. i've read it three times over, feeling around, and its getting better each time. you really do not need to change this.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

undulate In reply to orangetot [2004-03-20 08:57:55 +0000 UTC]

thanks you so much! ^_^

this took me probably two hours to commit to paper (damn phone kept ringing). i've had the idea for it in my head for about six months. no words to put it into, i suppose.

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orangetot In reply to undulate [2004-03-20 09:30:39 +0000 UTC]

I know what you mean - the piece of mine 'Something' has turned into a longer piece thats is called Benediction. its 90% done but i cant write the last bit, its been bugging me for a couple of months now.

I have a suspicious feeling i might well have to come back and fav this some time.

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undulate In reply to orangetot [2004-03-20 10:26:02 +0000 UTC]

*laugh* thank you.

i'm going to have to go read both stories tomorrow. it's too late now. but i'll be damned if tomorrow isn't a day of reading.

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orangetot In reply to undulate [2004-03-20 10:34:19 +0000 UTC]

Ahh, only 'Something' is up. but to be honest, i'm expecting to finish the whole thing this weekend - i've been inspired! so 'Benediction' should be up by monday. i HOPE

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