hakeberhut [2008-08-10 01:55:15 +0000 UTC]

This is really, really nice. . .but it could become even better if you, say, did some things I'm about to suggest.

First off, the stanzas all kindof have the same structure. Sometimes repetitiveness works, sometimes it doesn't. Whether you think it works for this piece is up to you.

Second, the transitions between the stanzas are. . .not all there. You jump from one idea to another, and personally, I like to see at the end of one stanza where the next one is going.

Again, these are just my nitpicky thoughts, and you can totally ignore them if you want--this is an awesome poem by itself!--and great job.

Brought to you by RandomDeviation(c)

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xZarielx [2005-05-24 03:10:35 +0000 UTC]

beautiful,hun.

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urlilpixie [2005-05-21 11:43:18 +0000 UTC]

vy./;'[

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