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Published: 2006-06-09 00:32:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 253; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 13
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Description
when a poison blade is drawnin response to open arms, open heart
naive longing
Miracles of Malice incur relentless retching
within secret heart chambers
behind scheming emotional blockades
when treachery rains acid
on fertile friendship
the leaching deceit disturbs natures balance
sky reeking foretold doom
to future passionate ambitious joy
legends of normality fade in the sun
when progeny stalks intimacy, lingering
after protective doors close and dissolve
dalliance twists and contorts its face
no blood
no screams
no scars
on pubescent skin
but long degrading walks and ropes
of speech
strangle thought and innocent behaviour
while praying hands mimic calm
while preying hands mimic calm
when secret secret wounds are given to caressing glances
longing is exchanged for pity
hiding behind open fingers and stale tears unshed
bitterness still buried;
stored away behind small shoes and report cards
explainable yet unextractable weary loathing
preventing entrance or departure of a kindred heart
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Comments: 12
This is very well-written. You express yourself well and in unique ways. This is actually a very powerful poem which seems understated in some ways. I think it appears understated because of the lack of punctuation. Of course, you may want it "understated" b/c of the subject itself, so it's fitting.
I've become somewhat "big" on punctuation, so there are a few places I would recommend some, just to help clarify your meaning.
For example,
when a poison blade is drawn
in response to open arms and open heart
with her naive longing,
Miracles of Malice incur relentless retching
within secret heart chambers
behind scheming emotional blockades.
I hope this helps. I think this is a good poem that just needs a little tweeking.
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it helps a lot! thanks so much!!
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You're most welcome!
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I find that poetry is usually an area that I'm not very good at critiqing. But this just really stood out for some reason. It's very well written.
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I shall refrain from making my usually long and hefty comment that I try to give to literature, since I helped you out with this before. I'd just like to say though, that it's really good, and I think that it's grown on me (I like it even better than I did when I first write it, maybe because I've let it sink in and reflected upon it in relation to events in my life as they happen).
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Yes, yes I did.
:shifty eyes:
You saw nothing! Nothing!
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thanks again, ben! do you mean to say, when you first read it? because i'm pretty sure that i wrote it!
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Awww, Rachney I'm so glad i took the time to read this. It's beautifully executed, and it has a very smooth, somewhat mourning feeling to it when being read. It takes a subject which many may label as teen angst, but expresses it so eloquently that one can't help but take it seriously.
The only line which I found awkward was "within secret heart chambers". That line read as a little off, perhaps "within secret chambers of the heart" would better fit?
Other than that, 110% magnifique!
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thanks! i'm glad you like it!
any suggestions to make the rest of it just as good?
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hmm none that i can think of right now
but I will let you know
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