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Published: 2006-09-01 02:17:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 160; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description
ashes to ashesdust to dust
lust is sin
sin is lust
revolving door of guilt
sweeps me away
but again the desire i hesitate
and stay am swayed
by pulsing digits and thoughtfull pain
i invite and give in
the salvation came
lust acted on is sin
sin incarnet is lust
ashes to ashes
dust to dust
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Comments: 5
"incarnet" should theoretically be "incarnate"
The only line that really bugs me is "and stay am swayed", because it doesn't really make much sense to me.
But other than that, I pretty much really like this poem. The rhyme is just perfect, without being forced or melodramatic, and the repetition lends to the poem. It does sound simple and short, but sometimes that's best, because I think that the words you chose convey a lot of empathy and depth.
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Thanks ben! I always need spellcheck! that line could be reversed as well, "am swayed and stay" or "am swayed to stay" something to that effect. does that make a bit more sense?
thank you so much! your critques are always so encouraging!
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To me, "am swayed to stay" sounds infinitely more sensical (yeah, that isn't a word, but I'm sure you know what I mean) than "am swayed and stay", although now that you offer it as an alternative, I think I understand "am swayed and stay". If you want to change it to the alternative, go for it though, because it makes it more clear.
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I want to fave this one thousand, million, gagillion times! This is beautiful, Rachney. The form just seems to fit, no forced rhyme or cleverness put into this, it's pure writing, and very true at that. It doesn't use too many "filler" words that make it fluffy and pretty, but it still uses a strong and impressive vocabulary.
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