LiliWrites [2017-12-29 21:02:40 +0000 UTC]

Hello! I am a warrior in Critmas 2017: War of Honour drafted to the Gingerbread Ninjas! Thanks for helping me win the war by asking for critique. This is also for Everything Must Go - Including 6000 Points!  from ProjectComment !  

I haven't read a nicely detailed script like this on DA before. You did a nice job of setting the different scenes, particularly Aaron's bedroom in the beginning. In fact, I think a little more detail like that could be used in a few places, particularly near the end at the bench before Aaron and Hunter finally meet. There's almost no physical description of the setting aside from it being dark and a bench. There are lots of things that can affect a scene, particularly weather. Was it cold? Was it windy? Raining? Was the air still? Were there clouds? Could you see the killer's breath? All of that can have a dramatic effect on how viewers perceive the action on the screen. 

The overall story was pretty good. I haven't seen Happy Death Day (though now I want to!) but the overall trope of reliving a day is always fun to play with and has been done in many ways. I like the fact that yours doesn't focus on the main character's death, but rather on the deaths of his friends and their subsequent erasure from the memories of the rest of the group. That was a great way to twist the old trope. Whether that was your friend's idea or yours, nice one! What I did find less compelling about the story was the fact that Aaron was willing to let any of them out of his sight by the time it came down to the day Elise died. If it was me, I wouldn't care how crazy I sounded, I would be doing anything at all to make sure that my friends stayed with me until I could figure out wtf was going on. The foreshadowing of Hunter being the killer was a bit obvious, too. When he mentioned the "masked killer" I was like, ah hah! Gotcha! So you may want to look at some more subtle detail for him to reveal. 

But overall I enjoyed this script. It was fun and I would be very interested to see the YT film that comes from it! 

I hope something in there is helpful to you. If anything needs clarification please don't hesitate to ask!

MERRY CRITMAS!

Lili

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fantatlity [2017-12-29 13:31:43 +0000 UTC]

Hey, there! Before anything else, this comment is for the Everything Must Go - Including 6000 Points!  by ProjectComment  

I loved this! I'm a major fan of movies or any story told visually so this screenplay definitely got to me. Horror, in particular, is definitely a difficult genre to bring alive on screen and can more often than not, turn into an unintentional comedy if not done well. While it majorly depends on the actors and the crew, the writing certainly plays an important role and this one did exactly that! After reading this, I'm pretty sure I would love to watch this and not mind if the acting isn't that up to the par because everything will be played out quite well. For example, the exact part of the scene when the lights go out and everything starts all over again. On a more general note, I loved this. 

Moving on to the story's plot; I think I might've come across bits of this before in Happy Death Day (as you've already mentioned in the description) but I do appreciate the little changes that are added in this: for one, it centers around the group and it isn't Aaron who dies everyday but his friends, one by one. So needless to say, I liked the story and the ending with the whole villainous comical dialogues and mention of the loops, made it interesting. 

Next comes the characters. I can understand how this is for a short horror video and that doesn't give much for the character to be developed. Obviously, the supporting ones don't even need development since they're anyway going to die but the main character, Aaron, doesn't make me care about him much. I would've preferred a more frustrated, horrified and wondering-if-they-are-mad kinda reactions from Aaron especially when he wakes up on the third morning. Instead, he merely shows a look of desperation and tell his friends what a long story it all is, like that's the most normal thing he's experiencing. Sorry if this sounds a rude, I'm simply trying to share my thoughts. 

Finally, the writing. I really really liked this. The descriptions for the scene set-up are giving away the time-crunch you were on, and can include more details about the sound or complete silence for that matter. Having said that, I like your writing style and am pretty sure your other projects are really good and will be looking forward to them.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

vevulicious379 [2017-11-08 03:49:40 +0000 UTC]

Alright guys, the completed short film is out on YouTube if you want to check it out! www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4pbfr…

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Scottthespy [2017-11-04 04:23:29 +0000 UTC]

Well, you're right when you say the time crunch resulted in something that's probably not your best work...its rushed and the scene changes very quickly and frequently, and some of the character interactions feel a little stiff and forced. But the premise is nicely intriguing, and the ending DOES give us just enough information to be both forbidding and slightly ambiguous. We can assume that the entire sequence is starting from the beginning, which perhaps means that all the friends are back, but this time Hunter won't be killing them...we can speculate that Hunter has been stuck in this loop for a very, very long time, long enough to learn that being murdered was a way out of it, and that he began killing people in hopes of being killed in self defense or some such. 

There's plenty of cool ideas to mull over with this piece, but in this form the timing really does let down the sense of drama and the suspension of disbelief. That's what happens when we don't have the time to really work something over though, isn't it? There's enough here to see that, when given the time to really polish your work, you probably come out with amazing stuff. This was fun to contemplate, even with its rushed feeling.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1