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vevulicious379 — Stay With Me
#ghoststory #halloween2016
Published: 2016-10-28 01:18:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 845; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 0
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body div#devskin0 hr { }
The day was dull and dreary. Grey clouds against a greyer sky. Around noon a light rain began to fall, the first of many. Such showers weren’t rare occurrences for September.
On the couch in the living room the two of them sat: sisters, an older one and a younger one, underneath a blue fleece blanket shared between them. A dull light shone through the sliding glass door built into the east wall, and dark silhouettes were cast across the walls from droplets of rain impacting the exterior surface and extending into thin streaks, stretching like tendrils towards the floor. The elder girl, dark-haired and about seventeen in appearance, sat with her back against the far armrest and her sister, her junior by a year or two with more reddish hair and lighter skin, pulled close up against her body, arms wrapped around her midsection just below her chest and chin resting on her right shoulder. The TV on the far side of the room was turned on and cast off the occasional noticeably bright flash of light, but for the most part neither of them were paying any attention to it. They were fully absorbed by each other’s presence, quietly watching the rain fall. The latter finally spoke after what felt like an eternity.
“I’m glad you came today. It’s nice having you around.”
“Yeah. It’s good to see you again.”
“I wish you would come around more often.”
“I know. I try.”
“It gets lonely here without you.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not as easy for me to as it once was.”
“Why?”
“I don’t really know. Too much time has passed, I guess.”
“Feels like it was only yesterday to me.”
“It’s pushing, what, five years now?”
“Four years, seven months, ten days.”
A soft whistle of disbelief. “Time sure flies.”
“Yeah. It does.”
The news reporters had called it the worst highway disaster in the nation’s history. Over a hundred cars piled up on a stretch of road less than a quarter of a mile in length. The officially reported cause was a truck driver who fell asleep at the wheel. It seemed like any time a wreck like that one happened, the same type of person was to blame.
She was just reaching the age at which one could understand what had happened without really knowing what it meant when it did. All she knew was what she saw: the hospital visits, the Sunday prayers at church led by Pastor William, the private conversations between her parents and the doctors that always caused her mother to start crying, and of course the broken body of her sister coated with wires and tubes leading to various machines around her bed. So charred and mangled that she was unrecognizable. Where her youth had first brought her solace in her blissful ignorance a kind of unconscious realization took hold as time marched on. Slowly but surely, she came to recognize that whether she came back to them or not, her sister as she had known her for all of ten years was gone.
“Stop thinking about that.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what.”
“That’s not what I was thinking about.”
“No?”
“I was thinking that we ought to do something.”
“We are doing something.”
“Something else.”
“Like what?”
“Playing a game or something.”
“What kind of game?”
“A board game.”
“Go get it.”
“I can’t.”
“Because there is no board game.”
“Yes.”
“Why do you insist on lying to me?”
“Because I hate the thought of other people knowing what I’m thinking.”
Another stretch of silence; whereas the first had been oddly comfortable in the way absence of noise can be, this one was remarkably uncomfortable, like a heavy and suffocating weight bearing down on the both of them. Outside the rain had softened to a slight drizzle but continued its relentless downpour, and the soaked wood of the fence ringing the backyard was now stained a far darker, deeper brown.
“…Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“I hated you for a long time afterwards.”
No response came, and the girl considered repeating her statement before her sister spoke up.
“You hated me.”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t you want to know why?”
“I already have an idea.”
“I thought you were so selfish, to leave like that. To deprive me of my role model, my playmate, my big sister. I was so angry with you, but that’s never what came to mind when you did…” the beginnings of a tear formed in the corner of her right eye as her voice grew thinner, more fragile. “No, it was always when you taught me how to braid my hair, or when I fell off my bike when I was eight and you disinfected the scrape and sat with me for ten minutes waiting for the bleeding to stop, or the day we stopped for ice cream after spending the afternoon down at the creek with Chris from two streets over and his little brother. The more I tried to hate you, the more I missed you and just…Wanted you back.”
“Death is a part of life. We all get there sooner or later.”
The afternoon was equally gloomy when her parents came up to her room and asked her to turn off her music so that they could talk to her for a little while. In that way that parents do with bad news they started out slow, but she already knew what they were there for. There was a picture clutched in her hand the whole time, one she had found the night before and had previously thought long gone. It was her favorite picture of her and her sister together. They had taken a disposable camera onto the Ferris wheel when they rode it at the county fair barely a month prior, and when they reached the top they stuck out their tongues, not a moment before the flash blinded them momentarily. In that single frame they were frozen together forever, tongues stuck out like fools without a care in the world, and certainly no idea of what was to come. She had always wished she could have her looks—right on the cusp of womanly maturity while still maintaining a bit of that childlike roundness, her face was fairly even in tone with warm brown eyes that matched her dark hair and full lips that lit up a room when pulled back in a modest smile. That was how she deserved to be remembered. Beautiful, not broken. She listened quietly to what her parents had to say and accepted things as they were. She waited to cry until later.
Directly across the backyard, among the dense shrubbery ringing the fence, a single blood-red rose stood with its crimson petals unfurled, reaching skyward to eagerly accept the falling rain. She carefully examined and caressed its contours with her eyes, chuckling softly to herself.
“It’s funny.”
“What is?”
“People associate rain with sadness and negativity. Characters in movies always receive bad news whenever it’s raining.”
“Right.”
“But rain brings life. It waters the plants that give us oxygen, replenishes lakes and rivers that we rely on for fresh water.”
“That’s true.”
“So how can something so vital, so essential, be viewed as bad? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“I don’t know. I think it’s one of those questions that you have to answer for yourself.” Her voice was soft, growing fainter with each passing second.
“…Don’t go.”
“I have to.”
“When will you be back?"
"I don’t know. Hopefully soon."
A strange sensation, like an electrical sort of tingle, tickled the nerves in her cheek. It reminded her of her mother’s good night kisses when she was little, and the lasting buzz atop her skin left behind when her lips lightly brushed her forehead and withdrew not a second later. Casting an oblique glance behind her at the spot between her and the couch’s armrest, she found it empty. It wasn’t exactly new to her that she wouldn’t be there when she turned to look, but that never stopped her from doing so.
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Comments: 14
I like your concept, but I think you missed a bit on the execution of it. I was able to figure out what was going on after reading the verbal exchange between the two. The big reveal at the end is anticipated. I'd suggest adding a bit more story to the story. Let me explain a bit.
For starters, there is no hook in the beginning. As much as I like the first two lines (even though they aren't complete sentences) because they set the scenery and tone for the story, there is nothing within the first paragraph that has me asking questions about what is going to happen or has been overly interested in either of the characters. You take more time describing the rain on the window than setting up a plot.
The initial exchange between the two girls is what gives it away for me. "I wish you would come around more often" "It gets lonely here without you" are both huge hints that this character is not really there. That exchange doesn't have any meaning other than to make me think that the older sister isn't there.
As I move on through the story, it's more of the same. There isn't a plot or storyline that gets me hooked and really makes me want to read more. I think if you plotted a bit more before writing, it would help your stories.
On the other hand, I absolutely love your description. At times it's a bit heavy but that's okay. You have a wonderful way with words when you're describing actions ("the lasting buzz atop her skin left behind when her lips lightly brushed her forehead and withdrew not a second later").
I think this is a good character analysis/backstory, but on it's own it needs a bit of work.
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Thanks for taking the time to look over this
I agree that the exchange between them could have been more subtle, but I didn't want what was happening to be so hidden that people couldn't pick up on it. Therefore, I didn't explicitly state that the older sister had died because while I did want to give the impression that something was wrong, I didn't want to just flat-out say it. I tried to leave things purposefully ambiguous in the present so that the flashbacks can fill things in as time goes on. There's also another layer to this (or at least there was in my mind) in that the older sister might not even be there as a ghost and her younger sister is merely imagining the whole thing.
I have somewhat of a tendency to begin my stories with environmental descriptions, because with my imagery I'm a world-builder at heart. I like knowing exactly where the characters are, what they're doing, how their surroundings affect what they're doing, that sort of thing. It helps me as a writer to establish a concrete setting during the get-go, but I can see how that would get boring.
I've received other positive mention of my descriptions, so I'm glad that this carried over for you as well
I agree with you that it could possibly use some more tweaking, but can't every story? XD A final copy is hardly ever a final copy, you know?
Thanks again for looking at this 
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Hi, I'm from , and I wanted to leave my thoughts on this story.
I really enjoyed this story. It is somewhat open to interpretation, which makes it spooky in a positive way. My main criticisms aren’t actually about the story per se, but about some minor grammatical issues.
1. ‘Across the sterile white walls …’ should have a comma between ‘sterile’ and ‘white’.
2. ‘Across the sterile white walls around them dark silhouettes stretched like tendrils down towards the floor, formed by droplets of rain extending into thin streaks upon making their impact on the exterior surface of the sliding glass door built into the east wall.’ This sentence is way too long and cluttered. You could have a better effect by making into a tighter sentence, with fewer, carefully selected words. It would still mean the same thing, but would be easier for readers to digest. Also, I don’t know that the word ‘down’ is necessary; it sounds better just to say, ‘dark silhouettes stretched like tendrils towards the floor …’ After all, if they stretch towards the floor, they are hardly stretching upwards.
3. The description of each sister should be at least two separate sentences. At the moment, they are run-on sentences.
4. It is not necessary to say, ‘more reddish hair’. ‘Reddish hair’ is fine.
5. In, ‘occasional noticeably bright flash …’ there should be a comma: ‘occasional, noticeably bright flash …’
6. In, ‘neither of them were paying any attention to it; they were fully absorbed by each other’s presence, quietly watching the rain fall’, you could probably have two sentences for clarity. For example, ‘neither of them were paying any attention to it. They were fully absorbed …’
7. ‘The latter finally spoke …’ It’s not immediately clear who the latter is at this stage, as she was not described in the sentence
immediately prior to this one. It would be easier for readers if you said something like, ‘The younger sister finally spoke …’
8. ‘She was just reaching the age at which one could understand what had happened without really knowing what it meant when it did.’ I think the words ‘when it did’ are unnecessary here, as the sentence is complete, and sounds better, without them.
9. The sentence starting, ‘the hospital visits’, and ending, ‘so charred and mangled that she was unrecognizable’, is really too long. It loses impact the longer it runs from one idea to another without a period/full stop. Try and break it up a little bit.
10. ‘with Tyler from two streets over and his little brother …’ generally, your dialogue is excellent, but this line sounds unnatural. I don’t think she would have to explain to her sister that somebody they both knew was from ‘two streets over’.
11. ‘They had taken a disposable camera onto the Ferris wheel where they rode it at the county fair barely a month prior, and when they reached the top they stuck out their tongues, not a moment before the flash blinded them momentarily.’ This could really be two sentences, e.g.: ‘They had taken a disposable camera onto the Ferris wheel where they rode it at the county fair barely a month prior. When they reached the top …’
12. ‘She had always wished she could have her looks …’ the pronouns make this sentence unclear. Who wished she could have who’s looks?
13. ‘a single blood-red rose …’ There should be a comma, e.g.: ‘a single, blood-red rose …’
14. ‘at the spot between her and the couch’s arm rest …’ is clearer if you say: ‘at the spot between herself and the couch’s arm rest …’
Now that’s out of the way, I want to go into what I really liked about this story. The twist works very well, the dialogue is fantastic, and the thematic ideas are beautifully thought out. I especially liked the sentence, ‘She carefully examined and caressed its contours with her eyes, chuckling softly to herself.’ The description of the feeling that the youngest sister experiences when her older sister leaves her again is also beautiful, as is the comparison to a good night kiss.
Overall, I think this is really great work. Just be careful about grammatical issues and run-on sentences, and try not to use pronouns too often. Thanks for sharing!
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Thanks for the suggestions, and I'm glad you liked it
Anyways, I really appreciate the feedback!
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The story is well written. The writing is detailed and has this somewhat sophisticated sense in the style. The dialogue is also formatted properly which is incredibly rare among many literary pieces especially on DA. I thoroughly enjoyed the piece and it did manage to nearly draw tears to my eyes.
Of course there are a few flaws to the piece. The most noticeable is the assignment of the genre. This piece does not feel like a horror piece despite the supernatural aspect to it. It is deep and emotional, but nothing about it is particularly scary or tension building. The atmosphere is bleak, but not in an unsettling or frightening way, which can be difficult to achieve as a setting such as this one can be applied so many ways and carry so many varying emotions. Maybe if there was a more unsettling twist near the end this could be classified by horror. Of course while this is most noticeable it is only a minor problem.
Syntax seems to be were some of your struggle is. You use comas excessively and there is minimal variation in your sentence length around the middle. It is long, longer, and maybe medium if not a piece of dialogue. Some of these sentences force so much together in minimal space which results in confusion for the reader. Both my sister and I read this sentence and it always came out rather clunky and confusing, "Across the sterile white walls all around them dark silhouettes stretched like tendrils down towards the floor, formed by droplets of rain extending into thin streaks upon making their impact on the exterior surface of the sliding glass door built into the east wall." You don`t necessarily shorten it or even cut it up if you don`t feel comfortable with that, just reread it and then reword it. I struggle with complex sentences as well as often I write something I can easily understand but others may not. Having a friend read over your writing first and making suggestions on sentence structure may prove helpful in that case.
Commas, as I stated before are another problem. Commas are the Satan of punctuation. They create the greatest issues and prove the most difficult to use properly. A lot of people misuse them (I know I constantly do). Some of your commas are comma splices which means you are connecting independent clauses with commas. There are also a few that are placed rather randomly probably because it seems like you should put one there when really you wouldn`t. Less is more with this type of punctuation so be more lenient in using them. If you have to question using a comma then I would suggest not using it unless you get a second opinion that tells you it fits.
Typically I would not appreciate your dialogue either. You don`t give surrounding pieces of text with some of the quotes to show who is talking. I know it is bothersome to add a bit to the dialogue, especially when you don`t want to repeat "she said" or "he exclaimed" which is boring and feels useless. The dialogue works for this piece, but as a suggest for other pieces or maybe even once or twice in here add a small action with one of the pieces of dialogue in order to give context to who is speaking. Few people are completely and utterly still when talking. This is also a great place to use small sentences to emphasize some point and evoke emotion (you can also go against the typical format and block the dialogue together with the description, but only if you are attempting to get a very specific effect from it, not just to do it).
I really do enjoy the piece. The imagery is beautiful. It is an emotional piece that is delightfully moving without being too much, especially for a quick read. It introduces the issue in such a passing manner that you can tell they have done this before and it works wonders for the overall mood of the piece. Good luck in your future writing.
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Thank you so much for all of this awesome feedback! I wasn't expecting this long of a comment, to be honest XD But I appreciate it nonetheless.
I do agree with you that the piece is misrepresented in terms of genre, and one thing that I do try to acknowledge in the description is that it isn't exactly a horror piece. Rather, it is simply a ghost story (or, depending on how you look at it, a psychological piece, as I tried to leave things ambiguous enough that it could even be interpreted as the younger sister is merely imagining the older one) that, as you say, is more emotional and moving than tense and scary. I can always correct this with the "Edit" feature, and since you pointed it out I probably will, but at the time it just seemed to me a bit more like a horror story for some reason.
I also think you're right that there could afford to be more variation in sentence structure, but what I kind of tried to do is work up the eloquence of the flashback sequences in order from oldest to newest, and since she can likely remember the newer ones better there are greater details. So I attempted to start short, slowly get longer, and then go back to short towards the end. Guess it didn't work out as well on paper as it did in my head
One thing I've always prided myself on is correct grammar and punctuation, so I must admit that your comment on that came as a bit of a shock to me XD Looking back, however, I can probably see a few areas in which things look questionable. I had a few peers, as well as my English teacher, review this and none of them came back with anything, so is there a website or something that can be used to help with determining when and where commas and other grammatical marks should go?
The dialogue was something my teacher commented on as well, and it was here (as well as with some of the imagery) that I borrowed from Cormac McCarthy's minimalist style in "The Road", as I had just finished reading that book when I wrote this. The sisters aren't exactly profound in their comments to each other, but they don't really need to be at the same time because they know each other so well and can pick up on the true meanings of each other's words without having to outright express them. I intended the flashbacks to be a bit of a style juxtaposition with the dialogue, revealing a lot of what their interactions don't. Even if I wasn't shooting for a minimalist feel, I have a tendency to exclude the typical "he said/exclaimed/etc." because I feel, like you said, that they are useless for the most part and just take up space on the screen. I don't have trouble following the conversation myself, but that's probably because I'm the one that wrote it XD
I'm so glad that you enjoyed the piece, your comment about it nearly bringing tears to your eyes is probably the best thing I've heard from someone about a reaction to one of my pieces within my entire (still rather short) career
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I have no clue with the commas. I simply gave you a rule I follow because I struggle with placing them properly.
I like your idea with the sentence structure, just be a bit careful with it.
"He/she said" is boring so small actions lined with the dialogue only once or twice really helps. I often start by tying it with small actions, sometimes in the middle as well if it is really long, before just letting the dialogue go.
It is still a really good piece.
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I really loved reading it
It has a wonderfully written atmosphere and so many things to think about. I like how you built the story and how it ended.
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Thank you so much! Atmosphere was definitely something I tried to focus on to compensate for the short length
Thanks again, I'm glad you enjoyed it so much!
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I love the significance you gave to the rain, especially at the beginning of the story. Describing how the shadow of it cast dark lines over the wall as it hit the glass door 
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Thanks! That's exactly the effect I was going for, so I'm glad it worked so well
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I found it to be very enjoyable. I really like the concept of the entire story just being a conversation between two sisters.
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Thanks. I really think ghost stories work best when there are as few characters as possible, because when you have lots of characters then you get wrapped up in making them all fit in at some point. So I decided to keep it simple
Thanks for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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