HOME | DD
Published: 2016-12-26 03:11:48 +0000 UTC; Views: 1035; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }
Fall was on its way. And with it the cold, the death, the decay. How fitting, she thought.
Fog drifted lightly over the lake, bright white in stark contrast to the general gloom of the morning, the glow of the sun not yet peeking over the tops of the trees ringing the small body of water. The girl sat close to the shore on the edge of a small pier jutting out into the inky black liquid, watching the leaves fall from a nearby willow tree. A shroud of darkness blanketed her immediate surroundings, overwhelming yet oddly comforting in its immensity, and she found herself thankful for its presence.
She rose and walked slowly to the end of the pier. The wood was rather cold and chilled her bare feet, but it was nice at the same time. Everything was peaceful, no other living things within earshot. No rustling in the bushes, no chirps and caws in the sky from birds circling overhead. Then the throaty, rumbling croak of a bullfrog echoed across the lake and fell silent once again. She had been wrong in thinking she was alone.
Beneath her, just beyond the platform’s edge, the deep blackness was supremely calm. She closed her eyes, inhaling sharply, and when she opened them again she saw several small waves creeping across the surface of the water. The peace disrupted. She cast a glance skyward, searching for the source, and quickly found it. Collected into drops, dew was falling from a leaf, sprouted from the tip of one of several branches belonging to the willow tree that stretched out over top of the lake. Her breath caught in her throat--welled up at the cusp of the leaf, like a diver preparing to leap from a board, another droplet had formed and was ready to take the plunge. She watched it dangle by a thread for a few seconds, then traced its descent and impact upon the pristine surface with a small, unimpressive noise.
The lake was being drained today. Some construction company in town had purchased the land and planned to build an apartment complex or something on it. The tree, the water, the little pier...They’d all be gone in a matter of hours. “It’s not fair.” she said aloud, to no one besides herself.
It was a favorite spot of hers, perhaps her very favorite. The absolute tranquility was unmatched for miles around. She went there whenever she wanted to be alone with her thoughts, but it had served a great number of purposes in its time. When her parents had been her age, it had been the site of raunchy high school parties, of wild, stupid sex and drunken revelries, and of early-morning philosophical discussions and revelations once the euphoria of the previous night had worn off. This was a magical place, a library of memories and coming-of-age stories. Its sentimental value far outweighed any monetary worth that could be lifted from it. But she highly doubted that the heads of Sterling Bros. Construction were much concerned with that.
Easing herself down into a seated position, she allowed her feet to dangle in the freezing water, chilling her toes at the ends. Overhead the low grumble of thunder echoed among the gathering clouds, grey as grey could be in the sparse light. She shivered slightly before a thought crossed her mind. She highly doubted they were still here, but it was worth checking.
With one hand she reached out to the wooden support pillar on her left, her fingers closing around a length of fishing line fastened to the top, and with a gentle tug several partially full mason jars were brought to the surface. It was the strawberry moonshine she had purchased a few months back, without her parents’ knowledge. She had kept them here because she was fairly certain that no one regularly visited this spot anymore aside from her, and thus the chances that they would ever be discovered were low. Fishing one of them out, she uncapped the container and took a small sniff of its contents. It still smelled alright, and so she took a sip, the liquid burning like fire going down but quickly subsiding into a slight berry taste. She could’ve sworn it was sweeter last time.
She had always been a sucker for Romanticism. This moment, a last drink to toast the tragically inevitable, was no different. Seemed like something straight out of a novel, or some bittersweet movie ending.
She smiled at the thought and drank again.
Related content
Comments: 11
squanpie [2017-01-06 16:20:07 +0000 UTC]
There’s definitely a sense of mystery to the opening here, making me want to keep reading to find out who she is and why she’s there.
Be careful starting a sentence with ‘and’. Sometimes it works, and sometimes not – I think this is one of those occasions where the benefits of breaking the rule probably don’t justify it. I’d use a comma in the first line not a full stop. Watch out as this isn’t the only place where you seem to break sentences unnecessarily. The second sentence in the second paragraph should be a clause in the first sentence, not a separate one. Try reading just that second sentence on its own; does it make sense?
You tend to use a lot of adjectives, which is another warning sign. Try going through and highlighting each and decide if it really adds something – or better yet, if you could find a stronger noun that wouldn’t need to be supported by an adjective.
’ The girl sat close to the shore on the edge of a small pier jetting out into the inky black liquid, watching the leaves fall from a nearby willow tree’
If she’s sitting on a short pier, she’s close to the shore by definition; while the fact that the pier is small is important. I don’t think it makes a difference whether the tree is nearby or not.
Keep an eye on things like this and you’ll find you write much stronger prose.
There’s a sense of sad acceptance to this, which is so fitting. She knows there’s nothing she can do to halt ‘progress,’ but she’s going to make the most of the time she has left. It’s a nice little piece that makes you think, with some lovely imagery of the fog at the beginning. Nice job.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vevulicious379 In reply to squanpie [2017-01-16 12:54:10 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much! I appreciate the feedback and I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to replying until now, but I've been crazy busy XD
I'm really glad you liked the piece, and what you had to say was different from what other people noticed, so of course it's still helpful, so thanks for taking the time to pick out something you thought could use improvement
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
squanpie In reply to vevulicious379 [2017-01-18 12:24:52 +0000 UTC]
No problem! I'm terrible at replying to things - it's only because I'm currently on a 'clear message centre' crusade right now that you're getting this one within a year of your reply!
It's always interesting to hear the things different people see in a piece, glad I could help.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
LiliWrites [2017-01-06 06:06:59 +0000 UTC]
Here from the critique thread. I didn't read other people's feedback, so forgive me if I repeat anything.
Things I noticed while reading:
"The sun having yet to rise over the trees ringing the small body of water." Right now that's a fragment. Changing 'having' to 'had' fixes it.
"Her breath caught in her throat--welled up at the cusp of the leaf, like a diver preparing to leap from a board, another droplet had formed and was ready to take the plunge." This sentence read quite awkwardly for me. I don't understand why her breath is catching. That's generally either a sign of wonder or surprise, but I don't see why she would be either if she's been here many times before. The rest of the piece puts us in a bittersweet mood, so maybe a lengthy sigh after the drop falls would work better.
"She watched it dangle by a thread for a few seconds, then traced its descent and impact upon the pristine surface with a small, unimpressive noise." 'With a small, unimpressive noise' can be attributed to either the character or the water drop here, so I'd clarify. I think you mean the water drop made the small sound, so I'd revise to something like: She watched it dangle by a thread for a few seconds, then traced its descent and quiet impact upon the pristine surface.
"The lake was being drained today." I think that reads better changing 'was being' to 'would be'.
"This was a magical place, a library of memories and coming-of-age stories." Lovely!
"She had kept them here because she was fairly certain that no one regularly visited this spot anymore aside from her, and thus the chances that they would ever be discovered were low." You could dispense with the second part of that sentence from 'and thus'. We can infer it well enough.
"It still smelled alright, and so she took a sip, the liquid burning like fire going down but quickly subsiding into a slight berry taste left behind in her mouth." I think you could remove 'like fire' as burning is generally associated with fire anyway. Additionally, I'd tighten this up by rewording to use -ed verbs instead of -ing, like so: It still smelled alright, so she took a sip. The liquid burned going down but quickly subsided into a slight berry taste. I removed 'left behind in her mouth' because that's where taste generally happens. Tip I picked up from many, many critiques -- if the reader can fill in the blank without your help, leave it blank.
"She had always been a sucker for Romantic (like the literature style, not lovey-dovey) moments." I think you could more cleverly phrase this without the parentheses. Maybe something like: She had always been a sucker for the literally Romantic moments.
I quite enjoyed the read! Hope some of these ideas prove helpful. Good luck on future writings!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vevulicious379 In reply to LiliWrites [2017-01-07 16:08:36 +0000 UTC]
It did, some of these things were helpful I haven't changed some of the ones I thought you were right about yet, I haven't had the time, but I'll probably get to them before the weekend is over.
Thanks again!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
doughboycafe [2017-01-05 09:52:19 +0000 UTC]
Hi! I saw you in the critique thread on the forum, so here is a crit for you! I’ll react as I read through it.
I like your sense of setting, I’m there from the get go.
Jetting threw me – did you mean jutting? Also, if we know this is a lake, saying inky black liquid is strange as we know the liquid to be water. How about just inky blackness of the lake, or inky black water?
Also, why are there no bird sounds or rustling? That seems creepy as opposed to peaceful. And birds wake up just as dawn hits and make noise generally so unless there is a reason there should be no birds (it can’t be the construction people as we’ve been told numerous times this place is peaceful, thus I assume they aren’t there yet), then I wouldn’t mention the lack of animals. (it is also a trope in supernatural thrillers – no animals means something wicked this way comes, that sort of thing).
I like the description in the long paragraph that includes all the memories of the lake, it gives the place meaning for the reader as well as the narrator – I’m sure we all had some place like that, or could at least imagine it.
Strawberry moonshine? At this hour of the morning?? She’s one tough girl! Yikes. I can’t even imagine what strawberry moonshine tastes like.
I like the toast in the end. And the way you phrased it. Good bye, lake. Damn, that’s sad, losing a place like that.
Overall, good job, a lot of solid prose and good emotions in this. There are a few places where I think the imagery gets repetitive and a few others where some lines could be trimmed of extraneous words, but otherwise, good work!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vevulicious379 In reply to doughboycafe [2017-01-07 16:07:33 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much for your feedback I didn't get the chance to read it in its entirety yet, I just kinda skimmed over it, but I will look over your suggestions some time this weekend.
Thanks again
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
DaesLune [2017-01-01 02:34:04 +0000 UTC]
I'm not an expert on literary critiquing by any stretch of the imagination, so forgive me if I do a less than stellar job of it!
The very first thing that jumped out at me was that it jumped from "She" (which denotes familiarity in some respect, to me) to "the girl" (which denotes a foreign entity in some respect, to me) in the first and second paragraphs. This kind of threw me for a second, because usually I feel like "the girl" would come first? This may just be my brain being utterly crazy once again. It's not a big problem, but it kind of threw me off and I had to start over.
It felt like the story meandered a bit (not a bad thing in the slightest) at the beginning and at the end, but tightened up in the middle. This is also not a bad thing! I'm just kind of saying how it came across to me. In hopes that that could help you in some way...?
The second-to-last paragraph having the parentheses comment kind of felt out of place. I kind of feel that parentheses should be used sporadically (as I am here!) or never. Doing it just once makes it jump out at you.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vevulicious379 In reply to DaesLune [2017-01-02 16:19:31 +0000 UTC]
Regardless of the experience level, I appreciate any and all criticism! Thanks for taking the time to take a look at it and pick out what looked wrong about it to you This is helpful
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Zara-Arletis [2016-12-30 18:27:50 +0000 UTC]
Overall, I really like this vignette. It's sensual and evocative, a sentimental moment in time captured beautifully in prose. You do a great job of creating a mood and tone for the character, and giving her depth through actions and inner monologue. I love pieces like this, where it's all about the emotions of the moment and seeing this tiny bit of life from one character's perspective. Really nice work.
On the technical side, there were a few things I noted. Your opening is a gorgeous description, and I like the text, but for your first three lines it really helps if you can develop a hook for the story. Try to think about what, in a glance, will attract your reader to click and finish your story. For example, you could start with the girl's thoughts: "Fall is on its way, and with it the cold, the death, the decay. How fitting." That would keep the moment, but still bring your reader in with something more active than a description. Then you can put your sensual text after that to describe the moment.
"The wood was rather cold and chilled her bare feet, but it was nice at the same time." Doesn't flow as well as the rest of your text here. I get what you are trying to say - she likes the cold boards, but you might think about reconstructing the sentence to make it more active and still get that point across.
"“It’s not fair.” she said aloud, more of a reinforcement and an acknowledgement than anything." Here, and in a few other spots, you overstate what you intend - you could just say that she says it aloud, or that she acknowledged it aloud and cut down on the number of words used to describe her statement. It's something I have trouble with too, when I write. The best sentences are efficient and evocative ^_^
"This was easily her favorite spot." Just say it's her favorite - easily doesn't add anything to the text.
"When her parents had been her age, it had been the sight" Here, you use to many passive tense verbs. You could rewrite is as "When her parents were her age, this was the site of..." (site rather than sight too ^_^)
There's also a bit of word repetition - on paragraph 3 deep is used a lot. In 6, down is used twice in a row.
I have to say though, even with the few technical issues, it was a great read. I think with a bit of editing this piece would really shine. I hope you continue writing and posting. Thank you so much for sharing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
vevulicious379 In reply to Zara-Arletis [2016-12-30 22:42:53 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much for the awesome feedback! I'm really glad you liked this, I wrote it in about 20 minutes as a bell ringer for my Creative Writing class
I took a second look at some of the technical issues you described and fixed them as you recommended. These are just some quick edits, I didn't fix everything, but if you read back through I think you'll see an improvement in some of the spots where you said there was an issue.
In short stories like this, atmosphere and tone are two of the most important things for me in terms of crafting the tale, so I'm glad those jumped out at you so prominently as proficient aspects of my prose. I also try to craft as much of the characters' personalities and backgrounds as possible in the short amount of time that the reader gets to spend with them so that they don't feel severely underdeveloped. I'm really glad these were two of the things you liked the most about this story
If you liked this one, you might like my previous one "Stay With Me", which shares a lot with this one atmospherically and thematically (I actually used this one as inspiration for that one XD), although the genre is a bit different. I've kinda been a roll with dark themes since finishing Cormac McCarthy's "The Road" and starting "No Country for Old Men".
Anyways, thank you so much for taking the time to give me a really in-depth look at this piece! It's much appreciated I don't plan to stop writing any time, so no worries there XD
Have a Happy New Year!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0