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Published: 2010-05-17 02:52:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 763; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 5
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Looking down upon the child that lay sleeping before her, Scout was once again reminded that this job did not feel right. It was meant for a nastier crook, someone common and dirty. She smiled grimly at the thought, not many people could be much dirtier than her, now could they? A stupid village girl turned killer for hire. Her occupation put her with the dregs of humanity, but that was a step up from what she had once been.Scout blinked away such thoughts; they distracted her from the job. As she pulled the strong-smelling cloth from her pouch, the child stirred. Frozen in place, she watched as the child rolled to his other side, snuggling closer to a toy. A quiet breath of relief escaped her; she did not need any complications. Unfolding the cloth, she draped it over her hand slowly, knowing that she put off the inevitable.
Boss wanted her to do this job. It wasn't what she was used to doing, but he had confidence in her abilities. Scout could skewer a man straight through without flinching, but she had qualms about drugging a child. She bit her lower lip, and placed her free hand on her abdomen. Narrowing her eyes, she promised herself that if she were ever to have children they would learn to sleep light and to protect themselves from people such as her.
With that thought, the clothed hand descended upon the child's face, covering his mouth and nose. His eyes flew open, revealing a startling shade of green. Scout felt small hands wrap around her arm, at first frantic and strong, then weak, and then falling back onto the bed. As the boy's small body relaxed, she tried to ignore the growing ache in her chest. Content that the small body would not wake for hours to come, she returned the cloth to its place and gingerly picked up the fragile form before swinging him over her shoulder.
The body was light. Nothing in comparison to the bodies Scout had dragged into ditches in the past. Boss liked that in her, the surprising strength that could be found in her wiry limbs. The ease at which she held the boy made her itch to drop him back in his bed. Feeling herself fall prey to the temptation, she turned towards the open window from which she had entered. Stepping with quiet feet towards it, she found herself perched on the sill and ready to jump down. The ground was close for her, nothing she couldn't manage, but would the boy be hurt by such a fall?
No, Scout shook her head, she would make sure he would be fine. With one hand she gripped him, her fingers digging so tightly into his ribs that if she had held him with more force he would have found proof in bruises the next morning. Sure of his security, she jumped. Her feet hit the street hard, while her knees quickly bent to absorb the impact, and her free hand slapped the ground. The boy did not stir, the claws of the drug still stuck in him.
She stood slowly, scanning the street for troublemakers. As she had suspected, the streets were deserted. Only a sliver of moon lit her path as Scout began to run. Her light footsteps were quick and graceful, each taken with purpose and a goal in mind. She was to have the boy to Boss by sunrise, and though the sun would not appear for hours, the sooner she was finished with this job, the better. She preferred killing people. The business of kidnapping was distasteful.
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Comments: 13
Passion93 [2010-05-19 21:24:04 +0000 UTC]
I usually don't read prose, mostly cause it perplexes me, but something made me click on this. Maybe the title, maybe the artist comment, maybe the opening lines but all of it combined to suck me in. I'm looking forwards to hearing more from this character.
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Vulpens In reply to Passion93 [2010-05-24 21:01:02 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much for your kind comment. I'm glad you liked it even though it was prose. ^__^ I'll probably have more pieces about Scout up in the next few weeks as school comes to a close and I finish my finals. Thanks again!
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Passion93 In reply to Vulpens [2010-05-24 22:15:07 +0000 UTC]
looking forward to it. hahaha good luck ^_^
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Aro-chan [2010-05-19 11:53:46 +0000 UTC]
I think you get off to a rough start, but then get into the feel of the writing after a bit. Also, I think you used the name "scout" too much, and a "she" here and there would have done just as well and would seem less akward. I also think you could have played more on Scout's emotional empathy with children.
Other then that- I didn't really see this piece with any cleardirection, however if it's just a part of a multiple part story character-it's fine.
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Vulpens In reply to Aro-chan [2010-05-24 21:05:27 +0000 UTC]
If you don't mind me asking, is there a specific reason you felt I got off to a rough start? Was the wording awkward or clunky, or did it just start too slow? I'm sorry to bother you, but it'd help me improve if I knew why exactly it was rough. ^__^
Thank you for your constructive criticism. I really appreciate it, and I'll keep it in mind when I go back and edit this piece.
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Aro-chan In reply to Vulpens [2010-05-25 07:37:33 +0000 UTC]
Actually, I felt it was the sentence structure. The first para is written in a different tone from the rest of the writing. I can't quite explain it- but I'll try.
Looking down upon the child that lay sleeping before her, Scout was once again reminded that this job did not feel right.
The tone isn't casual-it's forced. We are the in the present tense, but as this is someone else's story, veiwed through the charachters eyes, it should be past. "Reminded" that "this" job didn't feel right isn't quite an accurate, she should feel the feeling, not be reminded of it. Reworded:
As she looked down upon the child that lay sleeping beside her, scout felt sickened. This job did not feel right sometimes.
See? I don't mean to crucify your work- I'm just trying to explain how a little changed in sentence sctructure gives writing a much more professional feel.
I hope I helped
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Vulpens In reply to Aro-chan [2010-06-04 21:55:54 +0000 UTC]
Oh no, I know you weren't trying to be offensive, I was just wanting a few more specifics so I would know exactly what to focus on improving. I think I get what you're saying about the sentence structure, and you've helped. Thank you again!
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Young-Haiku-Poet [2010-05-18 07:17:39 +0000 UTC]
That is an enjoyable piece, although I agree with kittylivers in some parts, "Scout could skewer a man straight through without a wince, but drugging a child gave her qualms." It does sound sorta funny. But otherwise I quite like this piece and if it was put on the back of a book as the teaser, I would probably buy/borrow it from the library/store.
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Vulpens In reply to Young-Haiku-Poet [2010-05-24 21:03:03 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I had thought that wording sounded a bit off when I was writing, but I obviously forgot to go back and fix it. Whoops. xD Thank you again for the suggestions and compliments. ^__^
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Young-Haiku-Poet In reply to Vulpens [2010-05-25 09:23:30 +0000 UTC]
It's amazing, a bit strange, I think Scout is quite an amazing character, and probably holds a lot more stories somewhere in her arsenal
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kittylivers [2010-05-18 05:11:12 +0000 UTC]
I like this piece. I think it has a very distinct voice, and I believe that this is a character you are very comfortable writing with, and it shows. She seems like an interesting protagonist, and listening to her thoughts makes for an enjoyable piece.
That being said, I’m going to rip this piece to shreds, because that’s what I do with pieces I like. Feel free to use or ignore my advice: its your story and you should be happy with the outcome.
She smiled grimly at the thought, not many people could be much dirtier than her, now could they?
I wouldn’t say smile. You talk about how distasteful this is to her, she’s not going to be smiling. She might be smirking, grimacing, or simpering, but I just can’t see her smiling.
Her status put her with the dregs of humanity
Do you perhaps mean occupation? It seems like her status would be “dregs of humanity”.
A quiet breath of relief escaped her, she did not need any complications.
I’d use a semi colon instead of a comma.
Scout could skewer a man straight through without a wince, but drugging a child gave her qualms.
I would say “Skewer a man without flinching”, without a wince sounds funny. I would also say, “She had qualms about drugging a child”, the way you have it sounds funny.
As the boy's small body relaxed, she tried to ignore the growing ache in her chest.
I like this. I think you can should include more of this subtle characterization through actions rather than her thoughts. Its more emotional and lets the reader participate alittle more. They have to draw their own conclusion about why she feels guilty, rather than have the answers spoon fed to them.
The body was light. Nothing in comparison to the bodies Scout had dragged into ditches in the past.
Nice juxtaposition with what she normal does vs what she’s doing right now.
. She preferred killing people. The business of kidnapping was distasteful.
Clean ending, very neatly sums up everything within this piece.
Again, really nice job. This was a very well written character sketch, and very enjoyable to read.
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Vulpens In reply to kittylivers [2010-05-24 21:13:10 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for ripping this to shreds! You pointed out a couple of things that I had meant to go back and fix, but forgot to, and ones that I wasn't quite sure how to fix, which is very helpful and pretty much amazing of you. ^__^ Basically, this is some of the best constructive criticism I've ever gotten, thank you so much!
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kittylivers In reply to Vulpens [2010-05-24 22:19:07 +0000 UTC]
You're very welcome. I know that sometimes its hard to look at something you've written objectively, I always like giving my piece to someone else and saying "Have at it!"
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