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WetKakashi —
Retraction of Chlorophyll
Published: 2011-09-22 08:11:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 9475; Favourites: 100; Downloads: 106
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Description
Longer nights,and shorter days,
Sinking towards the horizon,
the sun stretches itself against
pulsating veins – retracting
from margins to petiole
to stems –
unmasking
green
from orange
to gold,
to vermilion
in casual descent
the world is set ablaze
like Chrysanthemum blooms
like never-letting-go
like walking on leaves
through leaves
under leaves
following me
home.
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Comments: 34
It was the title that drew me to the poem, not only did the word ‘retraction’ make me think of the taking back of a chemical but also made me think of taking back a promise. The idea of taking back the promise of chlorophyll is quite emotive as it suggests the end of a process or the end of life, for the leaves at least, even if the plant/tree survives. Linking later to the idea of taking the images of leaves home it makes the reader wonder what else has been retracted from the speaker’s life.
I don’t know how deliberate it was, but the way you have shaped the poem layout visually not only helps add a sense of paragraphing, but also looks to me like a string of DNA linking to the scientific layer of your poem, as well as a spiral reflecting the downward motion of the leaves.
I wouldn’t say there were too many scientific words in the poem; in fact, I think it marks the poem out from so many others about autumn descending and the leaves changing colour, without detracting from the natural beauty that everyone can appreciate.
In regards to your last stanza, the image of ‘walking on leaves/ through leaves/ under leaves’ is almost childlike in its innocence and shows the joy of a relationship with the simplicity of nature which, completed with the phrase ‘following me home’ suggests that this joy is reminiscent something lost, a love perhaps, that used to set the world ablaze but is no longer present and as transient as the chlorophyll keeping the leaves green. The memory of the beauty follows the speaker home, presenting the idea of leaving something physically behind but not emotionally.
As for improvement suggestions, I’m not sure about the flow of ‘wallows itself against’. Whenever I think about wallowing I usually imagine ‘wallowing in’ water or mud etc. Maybe you could rework it to include more fire imagery (which already includes your use of the colours and the line ‘the world is set ablaze’) such as ‘Sinking towards the horizon,/ the sun burns through/ pulsating veins...’ Also, ‘unmasking green’ suggests to me revealing the green leaves rather than removing the green to show the golds and oranges as your explanation details. Perhaps, depending on the word limit, you could alter it to something like ‘shedding green/ unmasking orange/ gold/ vermilion.’
I hope at least some of this helps!
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Lovely introduction and even more interesting ideas behind this one! You told of this process so poetically that it's very impressive. It was a good way to connect and portray all of the themes, too. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n… " width="15" height="15" alt="
Your inclusion of the fire theme was very crafty! I think your word choice was fine, since the scientific words did make things unique. The structure also looks good to me, it flowed well. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n… " width="15" height="15" alt="
As for the length, you were a bit over 50 words according to my word processor. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/a/a… " width="19" height="19" alt="
Nevertheless, good work!
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Thank you so much for your time in reading and critiquing this piece!
Haha. From what I'm getting from you...the flaw in this piece was going five words over the 50 word limit. To be honest, I completely zoned out on the word limit. The initial piece had only 50 words (now that I look at it), but I felt that the over poem was still missing something, so I added the "Longer nights, and shorter days" part to the poem (it sounded necessary per my thought process). Thank you for pointing this out to me though. I doubt I'll be revising this poem just to fit the word limit. The prompt inspired me and that was all that mattered.
In regards to the length as well, I guess what I meant was did you find the length to this piece appropriate? Did it need to be longer? Shorter? Or perfect as is? Since you've pointed it out, I know I completely screwed up on the word limit. Oh well. There are some poems that are just rebellious little buggers.
Talk about pulling a blank on reading the guidelines.
Again, thank you!
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this is really great,the way you capture everything and explain it all.
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Okay, so since I'm a scientist, or a wannabe scientist, I like that this is scientifically correct. Yes, I'm a nerd. From more of a englishy perspective, I felt like this related human experience, especially personal determination and the need to be centered in the bigger picture, to the natural world really well.
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It was awesome and I don't know if it does need imperving.
1st the structure adds to it, like something slowly fading.
2nd the imagery with the Chrysanthemum works perfectly.
3rd where you describe the world changes colors like a burning flame.
And everyday when I go to school some of the tree's leaves are completely red and that the pine strew fells around (also red) them looks like they are on fire when the sun its them. And the other things lets just said I very much like this poem and what I can see so does a lot of other people. And you so desord th DD.
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What I love about it is the smooth feeling it gives when reading it in this time of the year. It's very actual and when you read and then look around and see what you just read in reality. And to be honest, the title is what got me on this page. Amazing title!
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Congratulations for the DD on your beautiful poetry, and a really well-deserved one at that!
I think the imagery definitely worked and I adore your strusture. The emotion I felt was sad, but in a relieved kind of way. I hope you don't mind if I compare this poem to a few of my favorite songs. It was a little like the song "Setting Up Sunday" by Meg and Dia, but a touch more grateful, like the "Drought" by Vienna Teng. It reminded me a touch like "Sadie" by Joanna Newsom. The length was perfect to me, and I can't think of any better word choices. I really like your repetition of "like". I like "against", it creates contrast that fits my own interpretation. The one thing I might have liked described is maybe the plant/tree itself. But, I think keeping it sparse is probably better. I like how you never say too much in your poetry. That helps create that tingling feeling that yes, I do feel within this poem. I guess the "me" is the tree here.
The deeper meaning I percieved was that of dying and becoming simpler for it. As we die, we revert to the simpler things in life, and there is beauty in that. However, that means losing what once made us green. That means losing our life, losing what helped us hold on to everything. But it's losing that that allows fire and brilliance to appear. Like lighting something on fire and letting it burn away, destroying it by setting it aflame.
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How fun as I recently had to cover this in class. The sad (or good?) thing is I understand the plant anatomy you pose in your poem as well...ah... Anywho, this is very well done. I don't suppose I immediately captured the sensation you wished to pose, but it certainly works. Great job and congrats on the daily deviation. Continue to be inspired!
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beautiful. it's hard to explain exactly what it makes me feel, but it does make me feel something. i can see the colors you described.<3
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Beautiful! I really like all of the imagery! Excellent job!
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Overall, this struck me as a beautiful poem, so good job 
Does the imagery work? Yes, it does. I love how your detail and your focus on the sunlight.
Structure? I can't comment too much on this, but I did like how you set it up so that it wasn't in the standard form. However, I think that you could have put "Unmasking" and "Green" in the same line.
Does the poem bring about any emotions or sense of awe? This I want to tie in with your imagery."Sinking towards the horizon,
the sun stretches itself against
pulsating veins" Those lines are simply amazing! The way that you used your imagery was very well-done.
Are you able to have that tingling sensation that there's something much more to this poem? Your last lines especially imply that there is something more to the poem, but overall, not really.
Word choice? Too many scientific words? You diction was not scienticif, there are some words like "Pistol" that some people might not know, but it's overall ok. It really supports the imagery, so it works
Length? A bit short, but it's good
This is just my opinion, so please feel free to disagree
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I love poetry that focuses on nature, and this poem is very pretty. Its a science poem rather than a nature poem, you could say, but since it is focused on the retractment of chlorophyll, science is pretty much unavoidable.
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Wow, I love this one. Great work on the imagery. I like the parallel between sunset and autumn leaves' colours 
Structure and length - super, really adds to the feeling.
I'm perfectly fine with "against" - I personally think "upon" would change the meaning of the poem in a way... creates a different image, but that's hard to describe... sorry. I'm not that good with poems^^°
Well, I like the use of scientific words, but then again I'm quite good in biology; I personally think it adds to the detail and image, but I don't know if everyone would be okay with it.
Also, congratulations on receiving a DD! This piece definitely deserves it^^
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Judging by this, I'd say you need to let yourself play in the sandbox of free verse more often. Your haiku are good, but some ideas (like this one) benefit from having room to stretch.
It's the specific imagery that grabbed me here, especially lines such as like walking on leaves / through leaves / under leaves. It speaks to me of obligations piling up, of drudgery impinging on that which used to be joy.
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I thought the imagery worked very well - the linking of the changing colours and the descent of the sun.
I liked the structure - the way the poem itself falls to the ground like an autumn leaf but it in a blaze of glory.
Yes I felt aweful (not awful!) after reading. The last part moved me the most: the unmasking of the colours, the comparison to chrysanthemum blooms, the sounds of the words, and the repetition of leaves - all highly sensual and evocative.
I enjoyed it not because I sensed there was more to it - it was rich enough for me in evoking the feel of autumn and the pleasure it can bring - I felt as if I was walking through the fallen leaves on a beautiful fall evening.
I thought the word choice was generally very good - the only line I had real trouble with was the one about wallowing - I don't see wallowing against something, as usually one wallows IN something.
The length was fine as far as I was concerned, although I think there is room to explore this theme further but perhaps in other poems.
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I like the shape of this piece very much, the way it instances that "casual descent"
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Thank you! I'm glad you found the structure of this piece effective.
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I really liked the structure of this, as well as your word choice, A colorful vocabulary always makes a poem more intriguing. It was refreshing to see a free verse without a rhyme scheme too
If you have the time I would love a little critique of something in my gallery. It's not often I get a helpful or meaningful comment. Thank you in advance
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so much for the constructive comment! It was greatly appreciated.
I'm glad you found the structure, word choice, imagery and technique befitting and effective for this piece. Makes me proud of myself.
I'll find time to look through your gallery and critique something.
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Of course
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Now I just need to make a to-do list note so I don't forget. XD
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This is really good. You interpreted the theme of the contest in a really intriguing way, and I love the sense of retraction, like you mentioned, in the poem.
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Thank you.
Originally, it was going to be about the sun, but seeing as that was my first thought–it would have been the thought for others to write about. So ecology took over.
Again, thank you for reading and commenting. It is greatly appreciated.
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You're very welcome! Yes, I liked the different direction you took the prompt in very much.
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Good pieces tend to be my arch nemesis. They make me, the writer feel lowly and exhibit the thought process of "I can never write another good piece like that again." In thinking such, I won't be able to write for fear that it won't be as good as that one good piece I've done. So, I tend to forget about things I write and why I wrote them in the first place. (Such a terrible habit this is, most writers can recite their poems from memory...I can only remember the imagery and maybe a word here an there, but that's it.
Personally, I like starting fresh and winging things as I go. What's been done is done for today is a new day and a new written work in the works. It also helps with looking at the world in new angles.
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