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withoutane — The Hills
Published: 2002-08-16 05:00:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 71; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 12
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Description The Hills

The hills seem to know, among a many things
just how long to leave me
between their slopes, I find myself asleep
shoes kicked from my feet,
without somewhere to be.

Climbing that next hill I find the sea
has crept quickly in while I have slept,
my clothes slip
away into the grass, I shoot through the water, the sun
never comes down here.


dreaming beneath some hill's turn
"of the Palouse" they shout

telling days when horses fled these hills,
not from, but through and back again,
at rain and grass and all the things
that to but horses would seem strange.


Awake
a rumble gushes over one, and me,
down in, over once again,
rushing hands through these little hills
resting in her dry tall grass.
Horses paused their tumble
to smell the restless salty wind.
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Comments: 4

defourthson [2002-11-05 02:22:55 +0000 UTC]

I couldn't see anything in this poem besides the beauty of the outdoors. I love how everything is described and such. (and comment on a before comment) there is no such thing as overused words in poetry. I love poetry straight from the heart to the paper (or computer in these days).

JD

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fireseer [2002-09-11 02:29:57 +0000 UTC]

i like this version a lot better. i think it really benifeted from that rewrite
and i also made this comment to give you this [link]

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withoutane [2002-08-17 08:33:14 +0000 UTC]

Dave that critique... it fucking rocked, i will have to rewrite this, when I return to sanity.

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fireseer [2002-08-17 04:39:39 +0000 UTC]

this seems a bit...unambitious. maybe it's just my personal bias, but i tend to need a lot of reason to like a poem that has words like lost, alone, nowhere, and 'leave me', in the first stanza. This whole poem is littered with those emotion heavy catch words that are so overused. It makes seem uninspired and empty, whatever the case may be.
I do like the subject. I think hills have a lot of untapped emotion in them that you could use. but you seem to turn away from them and describe around them. hiding in familiar places like water, sleep and metaphores of ladies' beds.
For me to really like this poem, you would need to strip it no it's bones and rebuild. but i don't blame you if you don't

And sorry if my comments all seem to be negative, but you seem to have more than enough posititive commenters.

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