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wizemanbob — Sleep
#poetry #sleep #worldwanderer
Published: 2008-12-31 05:38:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 216; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 4
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Description
Lie down, sweet child. Rest your sweet head.Run down the dream-path. Lie down to bed.
Rest if you're weary. Sleep all you need.
Rest in the dream world, rest, drink, and feed.
Live in a dream world, love like you mean it.
Fight on forever, cry when you need it.
Last 'til the last fall, weep on forever.
Reach the edge of your heart, never say never.
Jump into lost space, search for your freedom.
Find your dream allies and then start to lead them.
Down to the stronghold, final resistance.
Last of the barriers, your final chance...
(Teague-Drydan) Last of the barriers for your final chance...
Comments: 23
So maybe I know nothing, (getting that out there now) but I think the issue isn't that you need to alter your final line, but you need to break it up and have a few more after it so you won't disrupt the rythm. Lines 1 and 2, 3 and 4 and 7 and 8 were all prefect rhymes. Although you skipped 5 and 6, it was okay because you picked it right back up again, as well as having a very close cylabal patter in the poem. (5,4 or 5,5) Close to the finish, you stray from that. Line 11 has 5,4 but your final line has 6 and then 4, with a half rhyme. Personally, when I hear a really strong ending, it's very short and a prefect rhyme, or short and not a rhyme at all, but it has to incoporate some of the elements you've had thus far. I loved the flow of this right until the end and the simple language you'd used, if I were to change anything, I'd break up your last line into two lines (maybe a few more) and used a more simple word at the end, "resistance" just doesn't work in my mind, sorry. Now...all that aside, it was still enjoyable to read, and even if you don't agree with a word of the critique, thanks for listening.
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Actually, it looks like you find most of the same problems I did.
Thanks for the suggestions. I look forward to improving it in any way I can.
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You're welcome, best of luck.
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Actually, it looks like you find most of the same problems I did.
Thanks for the suggestions. I look forward to improving it.
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Actually, it looks like you find most of the same problems I did.
Thanks for the suggestions. I look forward to improving it.
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Actually, it looks like you find most of the same problems I did.
Thanks for the suggestions. I look forward to improving it.
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Actually, it looks like you find most of the same problems I did.
Thanks for the suggestions. I look forward to improving it.
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Reminds me of a poem i wrote a while back. Thinking i like your version better.
The last line doesn't quite fit, tho. I think it's too short? Or maybe because the rhyme doesn't have the same fit as all the previous ones?
Nice imagery and flow.
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Yeah, I'm not sure why I made it like that, but I can't think of anything that would fit better either.
It's awkward. But then, so are dreams. Especially their ends, because they never really end, you know? You wake up in the middle, not when it's just finished.
That may have been the point. If it was, I've outsmarted my future self. For shame. And justice.
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if you wanted to "fix" it, what about:
"Last of the barriers, foryour final chance... "?
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It's a good suggestion, but I don't think it'd fit there.
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I think you're right about it not fitting. Mayhap it has more to do with the type of rhyme than anything else?
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Aye, but I can't find anything to except it. It just falls hard.
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mmhm. hate when that happens. Maybe someone other than me will make a brilliant suggestion 
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Sure. Now you make me want to find the perfect end. I'll open it up for suggestions.
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C'est la vie. Or, I suppose, Cosi va'l mondo.
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uh...sorry. I took Spanish, not French...
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So did I, actually. The first is French, the second Italian. Both mean 'Such is life', though the emphasis is slightly different between the two.
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ah, cool.
So...you know *tallies* 4 languages? wow.
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No, but I can fake it. I dabble in language studies, but the best I could possibly do is pidgin my way through conversation. And then bunglingly.
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