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You are a mighty warlock. Your parents were eaten when you were a child, by bears, with guns, from the ghetto. They were gangster bears and your parents owed them money, you poor thing...You then somehow discovered that you had a twin brother who became the demon lord of an evil empire--lucky bastard. The world is now on fire and it's the fault of your family. You feel, despite your many years of being a crotchety recluse, that it is up to you to save the world. You decide this one morning, after getting out of bed. What do you do now?

> Five more minutes...

You sleep for five more minutes, but your pressing desire to save the world rouses you.

> No it does not.

Yes it does.

> Kill myself.

I recognize the fact that you've made a decision, given however that it is a 'stupid ass decision', I have elected to ignore it. What do you do?

> Wake up, grab a brush and put a little make-up. Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up!

You head into your bathroom and start prettying yourself up with skin-care products that you apparently had all along. You are now a lovely little princess. What now?

>Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?

Where else would you leave them?

>Fine...examine room!

It is your bedroom, quaint, warm and beloved. Mostly because you spend all your time crying under the covers about how that barmaid friend-zoned you.

>Check equipment

You have one of those 'keep-calm and do-something' robes on, you also have a rather cool woolen hat. You wore it because none of the other warlocks would.

>Oh my fucking god I'm a hipster...kill myself.

Player, now is NOT the time for you to do that.

>Look at self in mirror.

Are you a boy or a girl?

>God damn it, leave house.

You leave the house and find that there is fire outside. There is fire fucking EVERYWHERE. The sky is on fire, your cat is on fire, your cabbages are on fire. Even the air is on fire. Have you seen a fire tornado bitch? Well you can see one now. Sure looks like things are going to hell. What do you do?

>Cry.

You weep sorrowful tears for a good five minutes, but then it seems that you've gotten your emotions under control.

>What spells can I use?

You are a Warlock who has trained for MANY years. You can cast - Shadow Bolt I, Summon Creature I and Summon Food - American.

>Summon a bacon-burger, wrapped in bacon, with extra cheese and more BACON!

You summon the triple-bypass monstrosity and grin with glee at your success. You then pack it into your backpack. What now?

>Journey out into the world.

You leave your home behind you, which is now on fire by the way and journey forth into the woods...which are also on fire. As you walk past the burning shrubbery and foilage, you are attacked by two poor malnourished bandits.

>Shank one mutha-fucka!

You are a warlock, however, you decide it is best for you to attack in melee and given the state of your opponents you stab one through the heart easily. The other bandit looks at you terrified.

>Summon a warm meal and give it to the bandit

You summon a warm meal of KFC and mashed potatoes, soaked in delicious gravy. You present it to the starving bandit who thanks you for sparing him. He then begins to eat rather ravenously. You have gained +3 good karma.

>Cast Shadow Bolt on the Bandit while he is eating.

With the bandit's back turned to you, you cast your Shadow Bolt spell and kill him. You cruel, cruel person. You have gained +5 bad karma.

>Tea-bag their corpses!

I am NOT going to narrate that. You gain +15 bad karma. You are now Evil.

>Go deeper into Forest.

As you progress deeper into the forest, you find the path splits off in three ways. Left, through an underground tunnel, or right.

>Examine tunnel.

It is a hole in the ground created by the natural forces, there do not appear to be signs of a sentient race interfering with its formation.

>Go into tunnel.

You enter the tunnel, but find that it's rather dark...You wish you had a torch of some sort.

>Start emoing inside and singing old Linkin Park songs!

You sing a song about 'Crawling in one's own skin'. Suddenly you begin to hear a kind of rattling, as if it comes from someone's throat...you can't quite tell.

>Hop on the first NOPE train to FUCKTHATVILLE.

You dash out of the tunnel with haste and thankfully, nothing follows you out. Whatever it was seems to like the darkness. You feel safe for the time being.

>Go right.

You take the right path, whistling a jaunty old tune about being a 'Sailor Pig', but suddenly the ground gives way and you fall back into the tunnels. There is some illumination coming through now and you see a figure crawling toward you in the distance. It is clothed in rags and moves awkwardly. What do you do?