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Wraithzero — Divine Revelation by-nc-nd
Published: 2008-09-19 05:01:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 102; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description What is wrong with you that you can't see

don't justify ignorance by me

you had a chance you had the keys

to unlock your chains and be set free



born on your knees and bred to be weak

never for me did you seek

and never did you seem to care

when they pulled "the truth" out of thin air


so look to me when your ready

when you've opened your eyes

you'll find me on top of a mountain

in between the truth and lies
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Wraithzero - A Prophesy Darkly
Comments: 5

peaceanarchymusiclov [2008-09-30 15:57:28 +0000 UTC]

this is the one you meant on comment on my profile, right?

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Wraithzero In reply to peaceanarchymusiclov [2008-09-30 17:38:20 +0000 UTC]

yep

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peaceanarchymusiclov [2008-09-30 15:57:04 +0000 UTC]

doesn't have as much natural flow that other work of yours I've read does(then again, anger is a bit discordant I guess), but, still, a pretty good angry poem. Am in hurry right now. sorry I couldn't look at this earlier. will go into more detail later if possible...

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Wraithzero In reply to peaceanarchymusiclov [2008-09-30 17:38:49 +0000 UTC]

ok man just call me later or something ok?

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peaceanarchymusiclov In reply to Wraithzero [2008-10-01 14:49:18 +0000 UTC]

ok...I have a couple suggestions
it's usually a good idea to create symmetry(or close) in syllable count (for each line). Not necessarily in all lines, but in lines in similar positions in their respective stanzas.

example:
I found you as you were falling away (10)
when a stranger stole me and lead me astray (11)
I'm wishing still that we could find each other (11)
but I know that you will have found another (11)

and even as I shed another tear (10)
I've known all along that you'd never be here (11)
for the delusion that you were mine and we were one (13)
was but a fair fantasy that kept me from my black hole's sun (15)

However, the flow of the poem should always come before syllable count. (a good way to keep a line's flow even when it exceeds the ideal syllable count is internal rhyming).
(for example, your poem has(syllables per line)
9
9
8
9

9
7
8
9

8
6
9
7

don't have much more time right now before my next class so I'll sit next to you in music and explain what I think you could do to improve the poem in a couple simple ways that won't change the idea or the statement of the poem...

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