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Description
This is a long description, but I think it's worth the read, so please bare with me.

I wanna start an important conversation.
About a week ago, I debuted this image that I had been working on for the last couple of days. Many responded well to it, some didn't understand it and others didn't really say anything. All of this was what I expected. I gave no context other than a couple of lines of lyrics from "Cold Water" by Major Lazer, Justin Bieber and MØ. I wasn't planning on giving much more context than that unless someone asked until I had created more for this series, but given recent events with Chester Bennington and how much it has both affected the public and what people have been saying about him, I decided it was time I gave the real meaning to this piece and the future series.
While working on this I was in crisis. It's probably no secret to anyone, but I have been struggling very heavily with my mental health, especially now that I have graduated college. I don't talk about it because it's hard.
It's. SO. HARD.
I felt I was at my end. I was ready to call it quits because nothing felt like it was ever going to be okay. I felt like I wasn't needed here. I didn't know why I was here at all now. My sense of purpose was foggy. I was lost.
My medication stopped working, I was isolating. I stopped making art. I stopped eating as much and I lost weight because of it. Bathing was hard to do. Getting myself to get up and even brush my hair was difficult. I only cleaned up if I had somewhere to be. I didn't want anyone to know this was going on. I was ashamed.
I'm -still- ashamed.
I'm ashamed of a lot of things about myself and I have been since I can remember. I can't tell you why I feel this way, but it's there. And even though I still struggle, I'm trying to change it.
I have been seeking therapy since October last year because things were just to heavy for me to deal with alone anymore, and it's been great. I've really turned around some.
But there are still strong moments where that pain takes hold of me and I have no idea how to fight anymore.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and now I've found out I also suffer from PMDD- Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I can no longer be on birth control because of the blockage in my neck and the stroke I suffered back in 2013. I have to deal with this now in other ways.
When I started falling into the hole, I began to really question what my depression looked like. I wrote a poem about it. I began to slowly piece together his image, not realizing how much symbolism he really had, and thus Erebus was born. This black shadow demon with the deer skull and the red strings of fate were a manifestation of all the negative thoughts in me and the weights I carry on my chains every day.
If you suffer from depression, you know what I'm talking about. You want to escape, but sometimes, there's comfort in the panic. It's all you know and sometimes, you're afraid it's all you will ever know. You feel so alone from these thoughts and like no one will ever understand, so you cling to this demon. This demon that torments you on a daily basis; who manipulates you and makes you feel like you're worthless. You're in an abusive relationship with yourself. And you have no idea how to leave. How the HELL can you escape your own brain?
You can't.
So you are forced to sit there and try to not let this demon bring you down. And it’s so hard.
Unfortunately, Chester lost to his demon.
And I wanted to lose to Erebus.
I wanted to lose so much because the pain hurt so fucking bad and I didn't know how to make it stop. I know suicide is not the answer; every rational part left in my brain told me it wasn't the answer but my God guys, the pain. The pain made it more reasonable. It made it make more sense as I began to fall deeper and deeper to Erebus' grasps. He was suffocating me. And slowly suffocating is suffering.
This is all scary as hell for me to even talk about. It's so hard to admit any of this has even went through my mind. I know how the world views mental health. I know how my family views mental health. I know how even some of my friends view mental health. But I'm here.
I'm still fucking here.
I will continue to be an advocate for this. I will continue to be an advocate for people who feel like I do. For people who don't even have the resources I do. For people who feel alone and insignificant. For people who feel their own demon is swallowing them whole.
I know it's hard. I know it's harder than anything else, but please for the love of God, please reach out. REACH. OUT. I'm learning how to reach out. I'm slowly learning to try and tell my friends and family what's bothering me. Because if it can help me prove Erebus is wrong, if it can help me prove I am worth this life and needed in this world, if it can help me find joy and comfort in the right ways, I'm going to fight him. I don't want Erebus to win. He can be enticing. He can be manipulative. But I won't let him win.
As time goes on, I will continue to illustrate our story, but don't let your demons win. I want this project to help us bridge the gap between hiding our mental health and being able to talk about it freely.
I want to start an important conversation. Let's talk.

Description
This is a long description, but I think it's worth the read, so please bare with me.

I wanna start an important conversation.
About a week ago, I debuted this image that I had been working on for the last couple of days. Many responded well to it, some didn't understand it and others didn't really say anything. All of this was what I expected. I gave no context other than a couple of lines of lyrics from "Cold Water" by Major Lazer, Justin Bieber and MØ. I wasn't planning on giving much more context than that unless someone asked until I had created more for this series, but given recent events with Chester Bennington and how much it has both affected the public and what people have been saying about him, I decided it was time I gave the real meaning to this piece and the future series.
While working on this I was in crisis. It's probably no secret to anyone, but I have been struggling very heavily with my mental health, especially now that I have graduated college. I don't talk about it because it's hard.
It's. SO. HARD.
I felt I was at my end. I was ready to call it quits because nothing felt like it was ever going to be okay. I felt like I wasn't needed here. I didn't know why I was here at all now. My sense of purpose was foggy. I was lost.
My medication stopped working, I was isolating. I stopped making art. I stopped eating as much and I lost weight because of it. Bathing was hard to do. Getting myself to get up and even brush my hair was difficult. I only cleaned up if I had somewhere to be. I didn't want anyone to know this was going on. I was ashamed.
I'm -still- ashamed.
I'm ashamed of a lot of things about myself and I have been since I can remember. I can't tell you why I feel this way, but it's there. And even though I still struggle, I'm trying to change it.
I have been seeking therapy since October last year because things were just to heavy for me to deal with alone anymore, and it's been great. I've really turned around some.
But there are still strong moments where that pain takes hold of me and I have no idea how to fight anymore.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and now I've found out I also suffer from PMDD- Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I can no longer be on birth control because of the blockage in my neck and the stroke I suffered back in 2013. I have to deal with this now in other ways.
When I started falling into the hole, I began to really question what my depression looked like. I wrote a poem about it. I began to slowly piece together his image, not realizing how much symbolism he really had, and thus Erebus was born. This black shadow demon with the deer skull and the red strings of fate were a manifestation of all the negative thoughts in me and the weights I carry on my chains every day.
If you suffer from depression, you know what I'm talking about. You want to escape, but sometimes, there's comfort in the panic. It's all you know and sometimes, you're afraid it's all you will ever know. You feel so alone from these thoughts and like no one will ever understand, so you cling to this demon. This demon that torments you on a daily basis; who manipulates you and makes you feel like you're worthless. You're in an abusive relationship with yourself. And you have no idea how to leave. How the HELL can you escape your own brain?
You can't.
So you are forced to sit there and try to not let this demon bring you down. And it’s so hard.
Unfortunately, Chester lost to his demon.
And I wanted to lose to Erebus.
I wanted to lose so much because the pain hurt so fucking bad and I didn't know how to make it stop. I know suicide is not the answer; every rational part left in my brain told me it wasn't the answer but my God guys, the pain. The pain made it more reasonable. It made it make more sense as I began to fall deeper and deeper to Erebus' grasps. He was suffocating me. And slowly suffocating is suffering.
This is all scary as hell for me to even talk about. It's so hard to admit any of this has even went through my mind. I know how the world views mental health. I know how my family views mental health. I know how even some of my friends view mental health. But I'm here.
I'm still fucking here.
I will continue to be an advocate for this. I will continue to be an advocate for people who feel like I do. For people who don't even have the resources I do. For people who feel alone and insignificant. For people who feel their own demon is swallowing them whole.
I know it's hard. I know it's harder than anything else, but please for the love of God, please reach out. REACH. OUT. I'm learning how to reach out. I'm slowly learning to try and tell my friends and family what's bothering me. Because if it can help me prove Erebus is wrong, if it can help me prove I am worth this life and needed in this world, if it can help me find joy and comfort in the right ways, I'm going to fight him. I don't want Erebus to win. He can be enticing. He can be manipulative. But I won't let him win.
As time goes on, I will continue to illustrate our story, but don't let your demons win. I want this project to help us bridge the gap between hiding our mental health and being able to talk about it freely.
I want to start an important conversation. Let's talk.