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xijhm — Freak on a Leash [NSFW]
#freethewingedfreak
Published: 2016-04-12 05:30:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 274; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 0
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Description the one who wishes to fly
the chain bound to her neck
the freak with wings
flight ready, they told her
testing required, they muttered
a slip knot choke collar
holds her in place
the birds circle overhead
the wind lightly grazes her hair
trapped in the overcast
at the bottom of the freak scrapyard
enough give to feel free
enough take to hold her down
an endless process
lift and yank
exasperated and exhausted by the latter
driven and compelled by the prior
a take off met with a jarring pull
keeping her grounded
she beat the links but they would not break
she twisted the bolts 'till her fingers bled
she pulled the chain but it never gave
they made her a freak with wings
she dreamed to join the birds
she dreamed to feel the wind
she dreamed to rise and soar
but instead,
she sits in an open box
light on her finger tips
wings furled in the dark
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Comments: 11

grand-ole-osprey [2016-05-01 01:18:17 +0000 UTC]

I disagree with the other comments on here. Personally I found this piece very boring and tedious to read. I prefer your other piece, "an electric boy and a burning girl". That one has a sense of rhythm to it, like a metronome, that makes it an engaging read. This one reads more like just a long series of interrelated sentences; the pattern of stressed syllables comes off as arbitrary. I would suggest in your future works to make them more like "an electric boy and a burning girl" and less like this one.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

xijhm In reply to grand-ole-osprey [2016-05-01 02:35:52 +0000 UTC]

I thank you for not just saying "it sucked" and actually giving feedback
that helps a lot
tell you the truth I never really mastered stressed and unstressed syllables and your words are very encouraging
I'll look them both and see if I can't learn something

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grand-ole-osprey In reply to xijhm [2016-05-01 14:17:37 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad I could be helpful. Good luck and I hope I wasn't too harsh

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xijhm In reply to grand-ole-osprey [2016-05-01 21:07:58 +0000 UTC]

thanks. and I didn't think it was harsh at all

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ConquerorQuixote [2016-04-29 00:39:18 +0000 UTC]

Wow Quinn you really stepped it up with this one well done!! So raw!!

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xijhm In reply to ConquerorQuixote [2016-04-29 01:44:36 +0000 UTC]

thanks I tried real hard to make it different and I'm not sure I really succeeded but it was both fun and horrible to write.

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WolfcatKai [2016-04-12 11:46:48 +0000 UTC]

both love and hate this. Love because it's beautifully written and very descriptive, hate because I understand the feeling entirely and it made me cry a little.

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xijhm In reply to WolfcatKai [2016-04-12 18:23:05 +0000 UTC]

sadly that's kinda how I felt writing it

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Thelunarwriter [2016-04-12 09:35:00 +0000 UTC]

Love this

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xijhm In reply to Thelunarwriter [2016-04-12 18:23:26 +0000 UTC]

thanks

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Thelunarwriter In reply to xijhm [2016-04-13 08:33:46 +0000 UTC]

You are welcome

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