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Description
Yoooo!! Long time no see.

massive post below about life stuff and yadaa yadaaa im treating this as a dairy entry because I haven't written for myself in months

It's been a while since I posted, and time sure passes on without you noticing. I've been bad, not good, un gucci, but it hasn't reached the point where I need to be under constant supervision so that's good. Like I still want to delete myself but have yet reached the point of being motivated to do so. I have how ever forgotten to care for myself and my surroundings, which is not very nice for my cats since i accidentally miss a meal because I'm too busy knocking myself out (sleeping, it's sleeping).

I want to say I'm not doing it willingly, but to a certain extent I feel like I am. I act like I don't have responsibilities when I do help with the bills and feed my cats. The urge to perish has been so common lately I just wake up and think so disappearing to dust, and it's not like I don't have a support system or people to rely on. I do, I have people that are more willing to listen to me, but even after more then 2 years into therapy I still struggle to talk about how I feel without bottling my emotions. And later pay for the consequences by having a massive breakdown. Had a slip up at the end of last month where I just started to pull my hair in chunks because I couldn't keep it in anymore.

Wanting things to change it one thing, but doing it is a whole other beast. I've been rewiting my commission/owed art to do list over and over again like a mad man and sticking it on every surface I can see because if it's not in my face I do not acknowledge it's existence. There's also the fact I tend to either do so many things at once or nothing at all, to the point I put things off so much that I don't realize how long it's been since I originally planned it. Very much my fault of course, I have no one to blame but myself. I have been given a huge opportunity to turn around for the better, but it seems like every time I do I just end up back at where I begun.

It also seems like I can't stop digging myself into a deeper hole, especially with work. I wanted to get a job at the local japanese convenient store but I've been putting it of for months because I don't have "my shit together" yet. Pitfalls are common in recovering, but at this point I can't help but feel I'm constantly setting myself up for failure. I tell myself to take one thing at a time, but that one thing turns into 100 things and it just gets out of hand so fast.

Genuinely feel like there's no other better solution for me then to just hang myself, but I'm still rational enough to know that's not the answer. My brain is a never ending warzone of being logical and emotional, sadly the emotions tend to win because I am a massive pushover and extremally weak when it comes to the demon in my brain. Starting to have waaaaay more vivid thoughts about hurting myself, all I do is pull my hair for now because I can't be bothered to deal with blood and my mom threw away all my razors so
I'm still staying with my dad when I should be really moving into my mom's place. The reason why is because I feel so undeservingly unworthy to move in with my mom, that in my eyes totally has her shit together and is much happier in her own home. Even though I literally have a room in her house, I don't feel worthy of moving in yet because I feel like a massive failure compared to her adult life. Which is so unfair and I know that. She's my mom, of course she needs to have her shit together. But I an honestly nothing but a burden to my family. Even if that would never say it to my face, I feel like I'm an adult with childish needs. Then there's the conflicted feeling of me wanting to spend time with my dad because growing up my relationship with him was none existence, so now I'm just trying to make something out of it because I don't want to be estrange with my own father. He is doing and being more considerate about me and we have been communicating well, but man I miss seeing my mom so much...

I want to bounce back, especially during this month, which is Ramadan. My favorite month of the year, but sadly mental illness isn't just evil spirits and something I have to deal with even during the best month of the year lol. I'm the problem, I'm a walking issue and I know how to fix it it's just that I lack so much motivation I might as well become a criminal and completely ruin my life. I wish it was easier said then done, because sadly people with be effected by it, and causing more grief then necessary isn't really something I look forward to.

I have a doctor's appointment today, hopefully we can figure something out again before I do something very stupid. I want to love myself, I want to make my parents proud, I want to be independent. But for now I'm just hopeless.

There's so much more I'd want to say but I need to get ready.

If this whole description is a mess, you'd already know why if you manage to read through all of this.

Description
Yoooo!! Long time no see.

massive post below about life stuff and yadaa yadaaa im treating this as a dairy entry because I haven't written for myself in months

It's been a while since I posted, and time sure passes on without you noticing. I've been bad, not good, un gucci, but it hasn't reached the point where I need to be under constant supervision so that's good. Like I still want to delete myself but have yet reached the point of being motivated to do so. I have how ever forgotten to care for myself and my surroundings, which is not very nice for my cats since i accidentally miss a meal because I'm too busy knocking myself out (sleeping, it's sleeping).

I want to say I'm not doing it willingly, but to a certain extent I feel like I am. I act like I don't have responsibilities when I do help with the bills and feed my cats. The urge to perish has been so common lately I just wake up and think so disappearing to dust, and it's not like I don't have a support system or people to rely on. I do, I have people that are more willing to listen to me, but even after more then 2 years into therapy I still struggle to talk about how I feel without bottling my emotions. And later pay for the consequences by having a massive breakdown. Had a slip up at the end of last month where I just started to pull my hair in chunks because I couldn't keep it in anymore.

Wanting things to change it one thing, but doing it is a whole other beast. I've been rewiting my commission/owed art to do list over and over again like a mad man and sticking it on every surface I can see because if it's not in my face I do not acknowledge it's existence. There's also the fact I tend to either do so many things at once or nothing at all, to the point I put things off so much that I don't realize how long it's been since I originally planned it. Very much my fault of course, I have no one to blame but myself. I have been given a huge opportunity to turn around for the better, but it seems like every time I do I just end up back at where I begun.

It also seems like I can't stop digging myself into a deeper hole, especially with work. I wanted to get a job at the local japanese convenient store but I've been putting it of for months because I don't have "my shit together" yet. Pitfalls are common in recovering, but at this point I can't help but feel I'm constantly setting myself up for failure. I tell myself to take one thing at a time, but that one thing turns into 100 things and it just gets out of hand so fast.

Genuinely feel like there's no other better solution for me then to just hang myself, but I'm still rational enough to know that's not the answer. My brain is a never ending warzone of being logical and emotional, sadly the emotions tend to win because I am a massive pushover and extremally weak when it comes to the demon in my brain. Starting to have waaaaay more vivid thoughts about hurting myself, all I do is pull my hair for now because I can't be bothered to deal with blood and my mom threw away all my razors so
I'm still staying with my dad when I should be really moving into my mom's place. The reason why is because I feel so undeservingly unworthy to move in with my mom, that in my eyes totally has her shit together and is much happier in her own home. Even though I literally have a room in her house, I don't feel worthy of moving in yet because I feel like a massive failure compared to her adult life. Which is so unfair and I know that. She's my mom, of course she needs to have her shit together. But I an honestly nothing but a burden to my family. Even if that would never say it to my face, I feel like I'm an adult with childish needs. Then there's the conflicted feeling of me wanting to spend time with my dad because growing up my relationship with him was none existence, so now I'm just trying to make something out of it because I don't want to be estrange with my own father. He is doing and being more considerate about me and we have been communicating well, but man I miss seeing my mom so much...

I want to bounce back, especially during this month, which is Ramadan. My favorite month of the year, but sadly mental illness isn't just evil spirits and something I have to deal with even during the best month of the year lol. I'm the problem, I'm a walking issue and I know how to fix it it's just that I lack so much motivation I might as well become a criminal and completely ruin my life. I wish it was easier said then done, because sadly people with be effected by it, and causing more grief then necessary isn't really something I look forward to.

I have a doctor's appointment today, hopefully we can figure something out again before I do something very stupid. I want to love myself, I want to make my parents proud, I want to be independent. But for now I'm just hopeless.

There's so much more I'd want to say but I need to get ready.

If this whole description is a mess, you'd already know why if you manage to read through all of this.