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Description
Yes, I remember saying goodbye to you, I say.

Avert your eyes, before the pain swallows you whole,
princess.

Shut the fuck up.
I say, shoving your shoulder away from me. Away from you.
You stumble backwards, and my fist slams into your jaw.
Is it crooked now, like your fucking smile?

you are just a piece of shit, i say, and I don't need you.

and i turn, walking away. don't turn your back on your enemy, they told me.
well, you weren't my enemy.

you were my closest personal friend.

the problem is that I was YOUR enemy. turn your back on me one more time, you fucker. i dare you. i'll break your nose, i swear it. see, sweetheart, the problem here is that i don't care about anything anymore. i don't care if you hate me. be your own friend for all i care. but you loved me anyways. even when i broke your jaw. even when i shoved you. when i told your secrets to the world. nonchalantly.
i remember the first time you saw me smoking.
i sucked in ash. fuck the enjoyment. fuck looking cool.

why, you asked me.

because i'm smoking to die, i told you.

you were right about one thing, and that was how painful it is to jump out of a moving car. as i limp home, you say you told me so, so i shove you into a ditch and keep walking. of course you catch up. of course you start talking about the music you like, about the things you like, and of course i don't give a fuck.
i look down and remember what it was like to care. to be thrown around. to get hurt in ways that weren't just physical. and i look at you and i think, god dammit, what if you turn into me?

so i hold onto you.
and you say,
what's this for?
and i say
shut up.

and you do.
you do, because you know exactly what this is for.
the next time i see you, you're laying in a hospital bed.

hey
you say, smiling at me.

You look stupid in that gown, i tell you. I light a cigarette.

you can't smoke in here.

watch me, i say. flicking ashes onto your blanket.

i don't come to see you for a few weeks after that. all i could think about was that time you asked me why i don't care anymore, and i said: you have to understand that I am a deeply unhappy person. and you didn't say anything for a few moments. then you start preaching this 'it gets better' shit. that's when i punched you in the jaw. i yelled at you, you don't get it, you don't fucking get it. and there you are, sinking into your hospital bed, in your hospital gown, with your eyes that have sunk in more than mine. and i know you remember me telling you that i want to die, and there you are, fucking dying. you idiot.

you idiot.

the next thing i know, i'm in the elevator, going up to your room. you're asleep when i get there. i wait. this is the only time i have ever, will ever, wait for anything. anyone.
you open your eyes.

i stare at you.

it's several minutes before you speak.

i'm sorry

shut up, i say.

i know. i know you said you wanted to go first.

i didn't say i wanted to go first. i said i wanted to die.

you're smiling, and your sickly pale skin stretches over your skull.

No. you say.

i look at you for a few more minutes. part of me wishing you would shut the fuck up and pass on, and part of me wishing you were healthy again. but only so i could sock you in the eye for disagreeing with me.

your eyes are closed, but i know you're awake.

it doesn't hurt, not so much. it's just exhausting.

what is, i ask you in a flat tone.

dying, stupid it is the first time you insult me.

'you can't die.' it is the first time i am not harsh to you.

you open your eyes
and you look at me
and for a moment, just a fucking moment, i swear, my heart melts into my arteries and it drips into my stomach and those drops turn into caterpillars that turn into butterflies. but this happens so very fast, and i'm still staring into your eyes that change color in the summer time and the scar on your lip from when i hit you too hard three years ago and you had to go to the doctor because i knocked out your tooth.

watch me.

you don't get to be the mean one, i say.
you repeat it. so i do. i watch you.

several more minutes pass. me watching you. for once, i do what you say. and i want to say it. i really do. but i know you know, and you say it for me.
i love you, too.

that's when it happens. i went home and set the house on fire, starting with our bedroom, flooded to my fucking ankles in gasoline. of course, that's an exaggeration. i lay in bed.
not sure what to do.
yeah, it's hot. it's hot as fuck. but it's a little late for me to be worried about the heat. so i lay in bed. and i face the pillow where your head once rested, and i flick the last bit of my cigarette, spawning the fire closer to the sheets. and i hold onto the picture of us from when i was happy and i could feel something other than physical pain, and the gasoline just caught up with me. fire trails up my arms. it's almost as if i don't even feel it anymore, the pain that's REALLY there.

and here i am, laying in bed, and all i can think about is you and your dry lips and your blue green brown eyes and the way they open slightly when you say

watch me.

Description
Yes, I remember saying goodbye to you, I say.

Avert your eyes, before the pain swallows you whole,
princess.

Shut the fuck up.
I say, shoving your shoulder away from me. Away from you.
You stumble backwards, and my fist slams into your jaw.
Is it crooked now, like your fucking smile?

you are just a piece of shit, i say, and I don't need you.

and i turn, walking away. don't turn your back on your enemy, they told me.
well, you weren't my enemy.

you were my closest personal friend.

the problem is that I was YOUR enemy. turn your back on me one more time, you fucker. i dare you. i'll break your nose, i swear it. see, sweetheart, the problem here is that i don't care about anything anymore. i don't care if you hate me. be your own friend for all i care. but you loved me anyways. even when i broke your jaw. even when i shoved you. when i told your secrets to the world. nonchalantly.
i remember the first time you saw me smoking.
i sucked in ash. fuck the enjoyment. fuck looking cool.

why, you asked me.

because i'm smoking to die, i told you.

you were right about one thing, and that was how painful it is to jump out of a moving car. as i limp home, you say you told me so, so i shove you into a ditch and keep walking. of course you catch up. of course you start talking about the music you like, about the things you like, and of course i don't give a fuck.
i look down and remember what it was like to care. to be thrown around. to get hurt in ways that weren't just physical. and i look at you and i think, god dammit, what if you turn into me?

so i hold onto you.
and you say,
what's this for?
and i say
shut up.

and you do.
you do, because you know exactly what this is for.
the next time i see you, you're laying in a hospital bed.

hey
you say, smiling at me.

You look stupid in that gown, i tell you. I light a cigarette.

you can't smoke in here.

watch me, i say. flicking ashes onto your blanket.

i don't come to see you for a few weeks after that. all i could think about was that time you asked me why i don't care anymore, and i said: you have to understand that I am a deeply unhappy person. and you didn't say anything for a few moments. then you start preaching this 'it gets better' shit. that's when i punched you in the jaw. i yelled at you, you don't get it, you don't fucking get it. and there you are, sinking into your hospital bed, in your hospital gown, with your eyes that have sunk in more than mine. and i know you remember me telling you that i want to die, and there you are, fucking dying. you idiot.

you idiot.

the next thing i know, i'm in the elevator, going up to your room. you're asleep when i get there. i wait. this is the only time i have ever, will ever, wait for anything. anyone.
you open your eyes.

i stare at you.

it's several minutes before you speak.

i'm sorry

shut up, i say.

i know. i know you said you wanted to go first.

i didn't say i wanted to go first. i said i wanted to die.

you're smiling, and your sickly pale skin stretches over your skull.

No. you say.

i look at you for a few more minutes. part of me wishing you would shut the fuck up and pass on, and part of me wishing you were healthy again. but only so i could sock you in the eye for disagreeing with me.

your eyes are closed, but i know you're awake.

it doesn't hurt, not so much. it's just exhausting.

what is, i ask you in a flat tone.

dying, stupid it is the first time you insult me.

'you can't die.' it is the first time i am not harsh to you.

you open your eyes
and you look at me
and for a moment, just a fucking moment, i swear, my heart melts into my arteries and it drips into my stomach and those drops turn into caterpillars that turn into butterflies. but this happens so very fast, and i'm still staring into your eyes that change color in the summer time and the scar on your lip from when i hit you too hard three years ago and you had to go to the doctor because i knocked out your tooth.

watch me.

you don't get to be the mean one, i say.
you repeat it. so i do. i watch you.

several more minutes pass. me watching you. for once, i do what you say. and i want to say it. i really do. but i know you know, and you say it for me.
i love you, too.

that's when it happens. i went home and set the house on fire, starting with our bedroom, flooded to my fucking ankles in gasoline. of course, that's an exaggeration. i lay in bed.
not sure what to do.
yeah, it's hot. it's hot as fuck. but it's a little late for me to be worried about the heat. so i lay in bed. and i face the pillow where your head once rested, and i flick the last bit of my cigarette, spawning the fire closer to the sheets. and i hold onto the picture of us from when i was happy and i could feel something other than physical pain, and the gasoline just caught up with me. fire trails up my arms. it's almost as if i don't even feel it anymore, the pain that's REALLY there.

and here i am, laying in bed, and all i can think about is you and your dry lips and your blue green brown eyes and the way they open slightly when you say

watch me.