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zphoenixdownz — happiness, in the next room
Published: 2003-08-31 19:48:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 243; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 16
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Description the bells of laughter
ring on time
at all the punchlines
muffled by the door

the keep-to-yourself whispers
of the waiting, patiently
im

one occasionally
plays snippets
on the piano
or pauses
to tap a stray key
repeatedly
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zphoenixdownz - Dead Friend Records
Comments: 3

benevolentsoul [2003-08-31 23:27:20 +0000 UTC]

I enjoyed the poem, holistically that is, however, I have some issue with a few portions of it.

The introduction, 'peals of laughter' is a common phrase, I understand your message and meaning, but it's a bit... over done.

However, the rest of the piece is a solid work of art. The beginning of the second stanza with 'keep-to-yourself' whispers is an interesting take on the language... and a nice use of absurd punctuation.

However, the crowning moment is most certainly the last portion. I liked the rhyme scheme. A/B/C/D/A/A... and the false rhyme between 'snippets' and 'pauses' was a nice addition. It was a touching end that relied on a very vivid image which was well enforced by the second stanza, nicely done.

- Keegan

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zphoenixdownz In reply to benevolentsoul [2003-09-01 00:02:02 +0000 UTC]

thank you for one of the most thoughtful and articulate comments i've received on deviantart to date.

please have a look through my gallery. i'd be rather interested to hear what you have to say about some of my other work.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

benevolentsoul In reply to zphoenixdownz [2003-09-01 09:04:30 +0000 UTC]

Not a problem, glad to hear you appreciated it. I'll give your gallery a gander, but give me a little time to comment, I generally have to rest on it.

- Keegan

👍: 0 ⏩: 0