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zphoenixdownz — the weeds that grow in winter
Published: 2004-11-24 09:54:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 296; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 15
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Description attempts are made
to root them up
the weeds that
grow in winter
as they eat the sun
and drink the snow
with unequal vigor

but the people
grow tired and
hungry and cold
by the time
they've finished
half the yard

and when spring comes
there's no grass left
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zphoenixdownz - Dead Friend Records
Comments: 11

carissima82 [2004-12-03 03:34:54 +0000 UTC]

sorry it's taking me a bit to get around to me dev watch.

i'm not a nature-poem-fan either, but the structure and length of lines suggests something unnatural, i would say.

you've boxed nature almost. which is fine. it's interesting to think that nature is not as immense and encompassing as it might appear. it's sort of simple and mean in this poem. the more i read it, the more i love it.

yay you.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zphoenixdownz In reply to carissima82 [2005-01-30 21:24:45 +0000 UTC]

it is
indeed
simple and mean

sorry it's taken me a while to do anything
including reply to comments
not to mention devwatch

so much backorder

but i'm glad you liked it

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

diamondie [2004-11-30 10:35:59 +0000 UTC]

I like the simplicity and the title is very nice. Despite my own minimalistic punctuation I'd like to see some punctuation here. Some spacing and indentation would probably work, too. The first stanza is quite good (even if the rhyme stutters a bit), the second could use a little more work. I like the ending, though I feel the second last line could be formatted in a different way.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zphoenixdownz In reply to diamondie [2004-12-01 22:29:26 +0000 UTC]

some interesting suggestions to consider

thanks for reading as always

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

brinx- [2004-11-29 21:03:15 +0000 UTC]

I have no idea how I missed this.. you're on my watch but I can't remember anything showing up for this one or the previous. Most odd. Anyways..

The first two stanzas I like. The winter/vigor sits very nicely. The ending does seem abrupt. I think if you made it equal length to the previous two then it'd give you the time to say something in more depth. All it needs is a killer ending

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zphoenixdownz In reply to brinx- [2004-11-29 22:39:34 +0000 UTC]

i've been a-ponderin' the possibility of a better ending. nothing comes to mind yet...
i guess i'm wondering whether or not the last two lines should be the beginning or the end of a revamped third stanza.

thanks for the read

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

strangeeyes [2004-11-29 03:35:43 +0000 UTC]

i don't know much about poetry.

but i think you knew that about me already.

but i really liked this. a lot.
and quite frankly, that, coming from me, is a huge compliment.

(lets get dinner sometime)

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

dubbilex [2004-11-25 22:40:17 +0000 UTC]

I am usually not a big fan of nature poetry. I think that that vile jerk Bob Frost is complete and utter pigswill.

However this is interesting, as it doesn't seem to be celebrating nature; rather, it seems to be using nature as an allegory for some different taste altogether.

Perhaps the end is a little terse; the wordy first stanza isn't balanced by the end so the end seems to arrive before one is expecting it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zphoenixdownz In reply to dubbilex [2004-12-01 22:49:20 +0000 UTC]

i've always thought that celebrating nature was a bad subject for poetry
because if you're really enjoying it... you wouldn't be sitting down waxing poetic shit about it.

so you're obviously right, about the different taste.

the end is indeed terse, but do you think it adds to it?
a lot of people think i should finish the stanza.
half the time, i'm inclined to listen to them.
the other half, i'm inclined to say "fuck it."

in the end, i think the poem is supposed to feel kind of tense.
but i'm definitely considering options for a better way to finish it, if they exist.
then again, they always do. that's why writers are all crazy.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

dubbilex In reply to zphoenixdownz [2004-12-02 14:00:23 +0000 UTC]

That's a good way to put it. I agree.

I think the ending adds a certain tone; it's an anticlimax that probably fits the intended tone of the poem. Something like telling a long, involved story just to kill the protagonist off in an instant. It can work, and it does work here.

If there was anything I would suggest, it's perhaps to make the last line(s) more powerful. Right now they're rather simplistic and don't seem to end with any finality. I'll can't think of anything now, but I'll be back later.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

theunwarymariner [2004-11-25 10:05:01 +0000 UTC]

grass makes nice imagery and you used it well here or microsoft used it well or...whatever. this is pretty. how was the beer in ireland?

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