AngeliqueRaindrops [2011-01-29 02:03:51 +0000 UTC]

This speaks.
In more ways than one.

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TheseKrimzonFlames [2011-01-26 04:18:34 +0000 UTC]

You do descriptive writing very well.

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ilike2draw [2011-01-21 22:36:36 +0000 UTC]

Well done.

As always, I love your imagery, and you are an extremely well-versed writer.

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jSiAgWsVaIwI [2011-01-21 22:07:38 +0000 UTC]

SECONDS IN BETWEEN – CRITIQUE
MOTIVES
So, you requested a critique on this one. I don’t have a premium membership, but I am going to attempt writing a good, honest and detailed critique of your poem. I am going to do this because most people don’t appreciate the realities behind the writing of somebody and therefore they cannot write a critique keeping the emotions in mind. As your best friend I know your story and I refuse to lie in order to placate your ego; I will write an honest critique! Now, this is my first so please bear with me and have patience with my incapability of critiquing a work of art properly.
INTRODUCTION
Although I will delve into more detail in further sections, I will briefly outline my most basic thoughts on this piece. The things I love the most about this poem are the imagery and the moral. The things that I would mostly change would be all grammatical and English-proficiency-based in nature. I am not saying that the English is poor; far from it. However, there are certain aspects which need to be refined. I will comment about this further.
THEME
The theme will always be interesting where such a poem is concerned. Although the title is not repeated throughout the poem and is only mentioned vaguely a couple of times, the theme is kept true to the title. Although it is sometimes wonderful and magical to write a poem which really has nothing to do with the title or is only ambiguously related to it, it is sometimes more effective to write a poem based on the title itself as you are taking the role of the poet who is subtly guiding his reader by the hand where the understanding of the poem is concerned. The themes of the poem are all clear. The main themes highlighted are hopelessness, suicidal decisions, blood and philosophies on suicide. One could say that this is a suicidal poem in nature. It focuses not on the motives which lead to a suicide to be committed, nor on its repercussions, but rather on the things that go on through one’s mind when one is on the verge or in the process of committing suicide. It is not a regretful poem. Nor is it a poem which condemns or praises the suicidal entity. It is rather a neutral poem, which is only based on the thoughts. This is a style which was greatly incorporated in the prose of the modernist period and is known as stream of consciousness. This is a technical term and it describes a very interesting style, which I have noticed is very often incorporated in your writings. You could therefore research this feature to perhaps refine your style, because although your style hardly needs any improvement – it is not a rigid style; it flows freely and it covers all the themes you would like to communicate to the reader in a free-flowing and natural manner – however, there is always room for refinement. All that this implies is not that your poetry is not proficient; it is proficient, and greatly so, but imagine how more proficient it would be with more practice! *Smiley face*
IMAGERY, DICTION, FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE, AND HIDDEN THOUGHTS
The imagery is just amazing. “Shining” – the word makes the reader almost imagine the light reflecting off the blade. “Blood,/That sweet, calm/Red fluid that flows,/So purely and so serene.” – This is a wonderful stanza. In it, the blood is described in detail and also in a contradictory manner. Flowing blood is usually seen as, and is in fact, the cause of one’s death, and so how can it be sweet and calm? In this stanza, the imagery makes the blood seem to flow freely as a river in a most positive manner, rather than the congealing and bitter fluid that it can turn out to be when in abundance. “That sweet, tearing pain” – here one finds a kind of paradox. How can pain be sweet? It is in fact a sadistic comment, but one which gives the poem a unique beauty – it is like this pain is sweet because it “numbs all others” – as the poet, you, in fact declares. My favourite part is of course the part in italics; one does not have to be very imaginative to see those words in italics coming to life, when reading your poem. This is of course because you are imaginative and the imagery used is very effective indeed. It is striking and realistic. It is a type of visual imagery and is very effective in invoking the desired effects on the reader. “The blade rusted”- the word rust indicates something old; which could also be interpreted, even if it wasn’t meant to be so, in a way that states that the deed is now done and is now a point in history; it is old like rust – something that has happened, something that has come and gone, like the entity who is in fact taking his own life. “Hope” – interesting that one should choose the word hope in connection with a suicidal act. A suicidal act is an act that comes out of complete and utter hopelessness, but you choose to connect it with hope. This could mean a number of things. It could mean that there is a hope of a better life to come after our death, and it could also mean to depict the hope of escaping the life that one leads here.
GRAMMAR ,PUNCTUATION, SYNTAX AND ENGLISH
This is where the tricky part comes in. The thematic elements and the elements of style are rather flawless in the poem, and this is the only section which needs some serious brushing up. I will highlight each and every error or point that needs improvement for you. I am not trying to downgrade or reduce the value of your writing; believe me, but I know that with a little work on the level of your English, especially where grammar is concerned, your writing could be completely flawless. The first line, “Everything” should be followed by a semicolon “;” rather than a comma “,” – I will explain; the semi-colon can be used to show that one is going to explain further what one means by using the word or phrase preceding the semicolon. So, in your particular case, “The life we knew,/The reasons we lived for” would be the explanation that should follow the word “Everything”. After “in a second”, one could use the comma, as you have done, but it would be more effective to use either the semi-colon once again (and for the same reason) or the caesura, also known as the ‘…’. The two stanzas beginning with “Blood” should also have a semi-colon rather than a comma after this word. The next error is a grammatical one, rather than one of punctuation, or rather a syntactical one – “That numbs all the others” – the word the could be eliminated from this phrase or clause and the utterance would make more sense and flow better.
Now, as to my favourite stanza; with the right punctuation, it could be even more perfect! The first no more could be followed by a caesura (…) while the words in italics should be followed by full-stops rather than commas, to make the words seem like bullets, or like they are being shot or spat at the person; like flashing images, buzzing through one’s mind. The double exclamation mark at the end of the stanza is excellent; it shows the urgency and immediacy of the moment. The next and last thing I would like to point out is the unnecessary word “out” in the line before the last.
I was going to suggest a caesura to end the poem, but I changed my mind because I realised that the full stop, which was your choice, is rather more effective as it gives a sense of finality so kudos to you on that one. *smile*
OVERALL COMMENTS AND CONCLUSION
Overall, I loved the poem. The imagery was enough to win me over regardless of all of the punctuation and grammatical errors which I may have pointed out, and this is saying something when it’s coming directly from someone who aspires to teach English and who therefore puts accuracy in the language first and foremost. However, I have the heart of an artist and one cannot deny the presence of a masterpiece, when there really is one. So good job my friend on this one. I enjoyed reading it multiple times, and I hope you have liked my critique. I would like to apologise if I have taken too much of your time due to my non-stop babble as I have typed my thoughts. I have followed this guide here: [link] as I had never written a critique before.
Well done,
jSiAgWsVaIwI

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Daisy-May-Rippingale [2011-01-20 23:35:52 +0000 UTC]

its very difficult to explain that rational undecided thought whilst actually doing it and then realizing afterwards that what felt like forever actually took a few seconds without realizing you had done it until you feel that sting of relief. i think that made sense lol
you managed very well in my opinion to put a scene of my own play into action.
love it

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kittiasher [2011-01-20 20:29:14 +0000 UTC]

Mmm... I like it. I like the way pain and blood bring the speaker to a point of clarity, very profound. Although I can't help hearing my friend Nihillus' voice in my head: "Hope is but a drug for the weak. We are wolves."

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Avenvia [2011-01-20 20:25:30 +0000 UTC]

Very emotive, with powerful imagery. Nice work man

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DarlingAngel0565 [2011-01-20 20:24:02 +0000 UTC]

Very well written.
Especially the description.
It is all so vivid, I can see it all in my mind.
Good work

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anima12897 [2011-01-20 20:17:29 +0000 UTC]

oooh i love this!!! very awesome!!! [link] my latest poem 'Ragnarok'

I really enjoyed the imagery and feeling you gave me with blood. I love the color of blood, the texture, the way its so important for us, and most of all the sweetness. (im weird I like the taste of blood)

<3333

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