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Published: 2012-01-14 01:22:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 806; Favourites: 11; Downloads: 5
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"Hurry now, Molly." Molly's mother pleaded. "Okay, Mummy" she replied grabbing the woman's hand and following her closely. Six year old Molly Fairfax had rather enjoyed Tracy's birthday party. She wasn't actually close friends with Tracy, but Mummy insisted it would have been rude not to go after being invited. What Molly liked most about the party was having some time outside of school to see her friends. Her mother gripped her hand tightly and led her through the light drizzle down the pavement from Tracy's house to a near by bus stop.As they got to the bus stop Molly couldn't help but stare at all the different people waiting on the bus' arrival. One particular woman stuck out to her. The young lady wore a heavy leather jacket and had long bright purple hair. "Mummy, why is her hair that colour"? Her mother quickly glanced over to the woman to see what her daughter meant. Looking down at Molly she said "Because, some people like to express themselves by dying their hair bright colours."
The idea of dying ones hair intrigued Molly. She liked to think she could change her hair to any colour she wanted. She hoped someday Mummy would let her dye her hair a deep candy apple red, Molly's favourite shade. Molly stood next to her mum waiting patiently and trying not to stare at the other people at the bus stop. Just as she started to get a bit antsy, the bus drove up in front of the small group of people and opened its doors. A line formed at the bus's door and Molly instantly noticed the woman standing behind her and her mother.
"Mummy, why is her skin so much darker than ours"? Her mother's eyes opened wider than she had ever seen them before as she turned to see who the girl was speaking of. A stout Caribbean lady stood behind them with her hand politely placed over her mouth, stifling a laugh. Molly's mother gave an apologetic smile and looked back down at the girl. "Well dear, if everyone's skin looked like ours, don't you think life would be pretty boring?" Molly thought about it a second and said. "Yes Mummy." She was some what disappointed her mother had come up with such a good answer so quickly.
Molly and her mother filed onto the bus with everyone else, eager to get out of the slowly worsening rain. She couldn't contain her curiosity any longer, momentarily glancing at almost everyone she saw as they made their way to a seat near the middle of the bus. Her mother sat by the window drowsily leaning her head against it while Molly sat by the isle. As the bus started moving she became bored with just sitting. She looked at the people in back of the bus, resting her gaze on two young men who were sitting on the other side of the isle and three rows back.
One had a wild tuft of messy brown hair he sat there looking up at the bus's ceiling. The ear-buds he wore lead down to an iPhone lazily held in his hand. The other man was sleeping, his head propped up against the window as he appeared to dream. Molly was captivated by the two men not only by their adorable faces, but by their proximity to each other. The rain lightly tapped on the windows of the bus causing the sleeping young man to groggily lift his head placing it on the shoulder of the young man next to him. The young man with the iPhone didn't shove his mate off him, instead he turned to the other and gazed at him lovingly as he slept.
The whole scene was just baffling to Molly. She'd never seen men, of any age, act this affectionately toward one another before. The little boys in her class were often pushing each other and her Daddy would rarely even hug her uncles. These two men, on the other hand, seemed very content with being close. She felt more questions forming in her head, but when she turned to ask her mother she saw that the woman had fallen asleep. She looked back at them to see that the man who was awake had placed his hand in the other's mop of light brown hair. He combed his fingers through the dreaming man's locks eventually letting them slide down to his mate's cheek. Molly even thought she saw him lean in, to kiss his friend, but it happened so quickly she couldn't be sure.
He then leant over the sleeping man, to ding the bell, so the bus driver would know to let them off at the next stop. After sitting back in his seat a moment he took a deep breath. The man then gently shook his friend awake as the bus came to their stop and they prepared to leave. As they slowly ambled off the idling bus, Molly noticed her mother was waking up. She looked up at her and asked the question that had been plaguing her mind for the past few minutes. "Mummy, are there boys who like boys the way Daddy likes you?" Her mother was still a bit dazed from her nap and eager to get back home. She looked down at her daughter to finally reply. "Oh Molly, don't you think you've asked enough questions for the day?"
"Sorry, Mummy," Molly answered back, a bit disappointed at her mothers' sudden impatience with her. When the bus brought Molly and her mother to their stop, they walked off and hurried to their home just two blocks away. On the way home she still couldn't get the image of the two young men out of her mind. When she got inside and went to her room she knew just what the next drawing she made for her mum would be, one of two boys holding hands.
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Comments: 44
teacupsdagger [2012-04-12 00:28:24 +0000 UTC]
!!!!i recognise the name fairfax from something.. i dont recall bu this story! Adorable!
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AlexTheGopher In reply to teacupsdagger [2012-04-12 03:25:27 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, I can't remember what I took it from anymore. Glad you liked the story though!
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dropofjam In reply to AlexTheGopher [2012-04-21 08:09:49 +0000 UTC]
Mrs Fairfax from Jane Eyre perhaps? I love this, by the way! It's beautiful
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blablabla5885 [2012-01-23 21:55:52 +0000 UTC]
did you write anything elts from this character ?!?!!?
this story is great !!!!!
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AlexTheGopher In reply to blablabla5885 [2012-01-23 21:58:13 +0000 UTC]
No. I just wanted to keep it a stand alone story.
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blablabla5885 In reply to AlexTheGopher [2012-01-24 00:14:39 +0000 UTC]
thats cool
i love the character !!!!!
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AlexTheGopher In reply to KeepSmilingandSing [2012-01-23 21:12:17 +0000 UTC]
Thank you!
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NevermindTheTruth [2012-01-20 03:26:30 +0000 UTC]
This is excellent! I agree quite a bit with starsafterlight, but I'm pretty sure I may like this a bit more than she
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NevermindTheTruth In reply to AlexTheGopher [2012-01-20 04:48:20 +0000 UTC]
Of course! <3
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starsafterlight [2012-01-16 07:05:46 +0000 UTC]
So... Hi!
I know this is a really late reply, because on the internet 3 days is a really long time. Anyway, on to the 'review'~~
Since you asked for an honest 'review', I'll be honest.
I wouldn't say I love this, but I like it quite a lot.
I like the beginning, how you started with the description of Molly. Your characterisation of Molly as an innocent little girl is spot on. How she says βmummyβ and βdaddyβ, how she keeps asking questions. That's really realistic. And the way she says βare there boys who like boysβ. I remember how I used to say βlikeβ instead of βloveβ when I was younger, too. :βD
IN SHORT (I know I get off topic sometimes), you portray Molly's childishness really well.
The names are really adequate, too. 'Tracy' and 'Molly' -- they're really little-girl-ish, somehow. (Or maybe it's just me.)
The idea is quite interesting β at least, itβs not like the usual y_slash written in third person. Molly's point of view, an onlooker to the cheri-romance, is fun to read. (So far I've only read about 3-4 fics on here that is written from the point of view of a little girl, and they're all little girls adopted by Daddy Alex and Daddy Charlie, so technically your idea is one of a kind.)
I wouldn't say the ending is perfect but it's certainly an adequate conclusion to Molly's little story. It leaves me going "I want a second part" but also "nah, it's better as a single story". (And please if you're going to write a second part to this, make it interesting. If you're just going to let the idea drag on then I'd suggest don't write a second part, because that'll just ruin the story.)
Now, on to your writing. To be frank, it's not the best I've come across (in the realms of fan fiction) but it's certainly better than a portion of the slashers I see on here (and I do hope if they read this they won't feel offended, so I'm not mentioning any names). And, your paying attention to little details, and the subtle references to real life makes it more realistic than the typical fan fiction. However, be careful when you get a little too detailed β it might make the story tedious. (They say the best writers are those that write for a purpose. So every single sentence you write should be there for a reason. (And so, Stephanie Meyer is definitely not the best example. Lol.) After writing fics for almost a year Iβve learned that sometimes succinct is best. And I'm still working on that. )
The only real problem I see here is that sometimes you forget to put in punctuation at the end of Molly and her mother's dialogues. Example: "Oh Molly, don't you think you've asked enough questions for the day" <-- question mark missing there.
Sometimes you also forget the commas/conjunctions in the middle of the sentence. Words are missing, but there are no typos.
(Excuse me but I get easily ticked off by grammatical mistakes. I'm so much of a grammar nazi itβs ridiculous.)
Summary: make sure you proofread before posting.
Other than that, thereβs no big problem with your writing. All I have to say is look out for new ideas, if youβre going to continue to write. Because right now I see loads of death fics, bed fics, drama fics, fics where the characters confess to each other (i.e. those βI love youβ βI love you tooβ fics that really get on my nerves), etc etc. And theyβre not even well written. So unless youβre confident that you have really really good writing, DONβT stick to the typical story lines. (Yes I am aware that my first fics have βtypical story linesβ but hey that was last March/April, when dA didnβt have so many slashers.)
Look forward to reading your next story.
P.S. Not meaning to sound arrogant, but Iβve had quite a few people writing sequels/tributes to my fics. This is the best one yet.
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AlexTheGopher In reply to starsafterlight [2012-01-16 16:09:25 +0000 UTC]
Wow, thanks so much Stars for the detailed comment. I really appreciate your honesty. Grammer is one of my big short comeings as writer especially punctuation. So I will try to work on that.
What's funny about the details is I thought I left too many out, it's good to know I can actually scale back a bit. I'm very touched that you and a few others seem to think my story is pretty original. I was hoping to look at their 'relationship' from an new angle, but part of me thought it must have been done before. I'm very glad to know I was wrong about that.
The end was rushed, but I almost like its cliff hanger feel. I think I'd ruin it if I tried to write a sequal, so I'm leaving it as a stand alone story. I do have some ideas for new fics, but most of them are kinds of stories that have been done. That just means I'll have find an original way to go about writing them.
And about my tribute being the best one yet... thanks-so-much!
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flowergirl2011 [2012-01-14 23:39:15 +0000 UTC]
Gahh! *melts into a pool of adoring mush* *but only after pressing fave*
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AlexTheGopher In reply to flowergirl2011 [2012-01-15 00:29:47 +0000 UTC]
A comment and a fave? You're the best!
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flowergirl2011 In reply to AlexTheGopher [2012-01-15 23:59:50 +0000 UTC]
aaw your welcome :3 welcome to dA btw, im lily. I was here to help and you are very welcome xxx
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KindOfPoisonous [2012-01-14 21:58:56 +0000 UTC]
this is so sweet, i don't think you'd need to improve it!
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AlexTheGopher In reply to KindOfPoisonous [2012-01-15 00:25:28 +0000 UTC]
That's really kind of you to say. Thanks!
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yellowducktape [2012-01-14 17:15:26 +0000 UTC]
This was incredibly beautiful. The simplicity had me smiling the whole time. <333333333 ALSO! Welcome to DA. My name is Sophia and it is very nice to meet you.
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AlexTheGopher In reply to yellowducktape [2012-01-15 00:24:39 +0000 UTC]
Nice to meet you too, Sophia. Thanks for the warm welcome! The simplistic style has more to do with me being a big n00b, but I'm still glad it has worked to the fic's advantage.
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yellowducktape In reply to AlexTheGopher [2012-01-15 04:22:27 +0000 UTC]
definitely. In a world of over written stories simplicity makes a fic incredibly refreshing. keep it up and I can't wait to see what else you write!
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AlexTheGopher In reply to yellowducktape [2012-01-15 12:07:46 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for your sweet words. I will keep improving my writing style but I'll try to remember to keep it simple. Oh and I definitely have some more fic ideas coming.
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technicalDino [2012-01-14 14:47:30 +0000 UTC]
I cant stop smiling at the cuteness it's seriously adorable and a really original idea, I don't think I've seen another one like it.
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AlexTheGopher In reply to technicalDino [2012-01-14 15:17:16 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much, new friend!
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ThatSwedishGirl [2012-01-14 13:00:29 +0000 UTC]
Aw, this was so cute! A great idea too!
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AlexTheGopher In reply to ThatSwedishGirl [2012-01-14 13:46:42 +0000 UTC]
Ahhh! I love your fics and I really appreciate your comment. Thank-you thank you!
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ThatSwedishGirl In reply to AlexTheGopher [2012-01-14 13:52:02 +0000 UTC]
Oh wow thanks And welcome to dA!
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AlexTheGopher In reply to ThatSwedishGirl [2012-01-14 14:00:55 +0000 UTC]
Yay, you're all so sweet here. THANKS!
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AlexTheGopher In reply to Carlieburg [2012-01-14 13:39:58 +0000 UTC]
You are one of my *fave fic-writers here.
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AlexTheGopher In reply to Carlieburg [2012-01-14 13:35:36 +0000 UTC]
Um, thank you... You are one of my fic-writers here, so your comment means alot to me!!!
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mouseington [2012-01-14 10:51:30 +0000 UTC]
Ifhfbdh AAWWWWWWWWW~. THIS WAS JUST SO ADORKABLE AND AWWWWWWW~
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AlexTheGopher In reply to mouseington [2012-01-14 13:30:25 +0000 UTC]
Haha, WIN! Adorkable was just what I was going for.
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mouseington In reply to AlexTheGopher [2012-01-15 18:12:26 +0000 UTC]
You wrote it perfectly hun :3
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AlexTheGopher In reply to RiverSongRegenerated [2012-01-14 13:26:40 +0000 UTC]
Glad you liked it!
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BethTheBubblyGirl [2012-01-14 06:42:36 +0000 UTC]
OH MY GOD That is so adorable!!!!!!!
I love it so much OMG
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AlexTheGopher In reply to BethTheBubblyGirl [2012-01-14 06:59:12 +0000 UTC]
Haha, thanks Beth. You've given me my first comment, so you rock!
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BethTheBubblyGirl In reply to AlexTheGopher [2012-01-15 05:49:11 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome.
and WHY THANK YOU
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