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AlfaFilly In reply to ??? [2021-03-21 07:44:06 +0000 UTC]

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AlfaFilly In reply to Thisguyhere070 [2014-11-28 19:49:09 +0000 UTC]

Aww thanks! They try their best to be the cutest they can be~

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AlfaFilly In reply to Rocketai [2010-08-13 02:25:12 +0000 UTC]

They are definitely huggable!
Thank you! xD

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AlfaFilly In reply to Kartz [2009-06-17 03:16:12 +0000 UTC]

lol drenched kitten. I love how you throw in those random things in your crits. It makes them more interesting, and surprisingly makes more sense xDD

Ooh, I never noticed that before! :0 I'll be sure to fix that up.

(By the way, I'm not completely redoing every page. I'm just going to go in and edit them up or redraw a few panels or something. The only pages I'll completely redo are prologue pages and any pages that are just plain bad all over. Someone else also thought I was redoing the whole thing too. Maybe I shoulda mentioned that I wasn't in the journal... xD )

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Kartz In reply to AlfaFilly [2009-06-17 03:31:05 +0000 UTC]

(Oh, I see. Sorry; I assume to much. XD)

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AlfaFilly In reply to XVideociraptorX [2009-03-02 20:10:21 +0000 UTC]

Haha, actually, I was just working on some script for a later chapter involving Kailani doing much the same thing here. But it was meant to sound incredibly confused. Hence why the little tots say "big words". Kailani simply infers too much on what innocent things people say, turning it into a big confusing pile of mush that makes people get headaches. So changing the subject from "Bratty" to "aggressive" wouldn't be too big of a surprise. And the "I guess" was meant to make it sound pointless. Kailani is quite a modest gal, not wanting to sound like a show-off. Much more of this happens in the future. BUT I do think I'll take some of those tips and perhaps try and change the dialogue around some more so maybe it won't make the readers brains melt too much.

Ah, I do see your point. Allow me to explain. In older Ambivian customs it's not out of the ordinary, however, as new generations form, they start believing things differently, most likely due to the fact Royalty are the only exception to the custom as Royals don't have to be wed since they live in luxury and, thus, having a mate is not vital. So as the generations pass, they infer that being mates at an older age is more suitable, thus, when they hear that they are to be wed off so young, it is a disgrace and utterly confusing to them. Much how society today feels about it.

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XVideociraptorX In reply to AlfaFilly [2009-04-09 15:38:22 +0000 UTC]

I'm still a bit baffled by what you mean on both subjects...

If Kailani was meant to sound confused, then having someone call her out on it -- "Big words!" -- was a correct move, however, it wasn't executed as well as it could have been. When a child complains about big words, one assumes that it's because the child doesn't know the meaning of the words, not that the person using the terms is confused or cocky. You say Kailani deflates her own statement because she's modest... Instead, I get the opposite impression. By having her make such a convolutedly vague statement with 'big words' thrown in, it makes her look like something of an airhead who is purposely trying to make herself look smarter than she is by using big vocabulary. That isn't credible to me as the author's intention, as it does not jive with her being called 'intelligent' right from the very prologue.

If you want her to sound modest, have her start by making a credible, then have one of the older characters, someone who we would expect to know what she's talking about rather than someone she's have to dumb an explanation down for, seem kind of annoyed or like they don't care for her long-winded explanation at the time.

Kailani: Males are no better, Tanner. Though their priorities may often be different, you may be surprised to find equal faults in both genders.
Tanner: Uh... I meant for that to be rhetorical.
(Triplet 3: Big words!)
Kailani: Well, I mean... the Royals themselves have changed a lot too, and... well... never mind...

If the intention really was for her to sound airheaded but have a big vocabulary, then have one of the older characters call her out on it, rather than the young'ins for the same reason as above.

Kailani: Well, technically, both genders [...] no matter how you put it... I guess.
Jenelle: Crystal-clear as always, Kai.

Even still, while Kailani somehow changing 'bratty' to 'aggressive' in her head makes sense with an explanation, since the comic is a stand along piece of writing, it doesn't have that luxury. It needs to be clear to the reader where she got that from, or else it looks like the writer's wires are crossed, not Kailani's.

On the marriage subject. I'm a little confused by your explanation... Did you mean that new generations begin to realize that it's strange that born Royals don't have to go through selection, or that as generations go on Royals are getting married at older and older ages? The latter makes sense, but the former is a bit far-fetched as a people's view of a custom only tends to change when the validity of the custom itself has been thrown into question.

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AlfaFilly In reply to XVideociraptorX [2009-04-09 19:51:54 +0000 UTC]

I'm sorry but, I got kinda lost half-way through :'D
BUT I think I got the just of it.
I don't really want to change the "big words" bit as it seems everyone loves that line for showing how innocent and cute the little triplets are. Hmm... this presents a challenge...
In order to do any of those I will have to redraw that entire panel (which I've been planning on doing anyway as I hate the positioning of the characters, aside from the Triplets) but I can't say I understand some of your examples. Modest people I know often talk like a "know-it-all" but then realize in their heads "oh crap" and then say something along the lines of "er.. I mean... I guess so". That shows that they are smart, but didn't mean to sound like a smarty-pants so they kind of say "nevermind" to show modesty.
That probably made no sense but I'm not good at explaining these things :'D

Oh, let me try and explain a little better.
Older Ambivians from centuries back got married young just as humans once did. Since back then they had to work and raise families for a living. But as society improved and money came into the picture, Royalty (who are filthy rich and spoiled) saw no reason to get married right away because they didn't need to raise families to earn a living. As years passed and generations came, Royal children saw that their parents and other parents were much older when they got married, so in their heads they think "ok, so mom and dad got married at 40. That means everyone much get married at 40!" so when they hear they are to be wed at a young age of 15 they think "What! That's not normal!" even if, by law, it is.

By the way, I dunno if I thanked you yet for the crits. They're really helpful

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XVideociraptorX In reply to AlfaFilly [2009-04-10 01:05:54 +0000 UTC]

(Heheh, I kind of accidently responded to my own comment again, so if you see two of this novel of a comment on your page... That's why. ; Sorry... You wouldn't mind hiding the other, would you?

Gah. I didn't really use the best phrasing, I think.

You can absolutely keep the "Big words!" line in... That line is fine. I said 'big words' a few time in my last comment meaning Kailani's choice of terms, not the "Big words!" line. I'm sure that made things kind of confusing. ; Lemme try again. Be prepared, the breakdown is rather long.

What I originally said was that I didn't think what Kailani said in response to Tanner was natural sounding. Tanner says, "Brandon and I are going to have to put up with bratty royal women. We're pretty much doomed from the start!"
Kailani responds with, "Well, technically, both genders have the possible potential to be aggressive or exasperating."

The most easy thing fixed here is to get rid of 'ossible', as it is meaningless here. The 'otential' of something is a possible limit, so to put 'ossible' in front of 'otential' is like putting 'white' in front of 'snow'.

The term Tanner uses is 'bratty', but Kailani responds to that with "aggressive or exasperating". Jumping from 'bratty' to 'aggressive' is quite a stretch. To be 'bratty' is to be rude or cocky. To be 'aggressive' is to be menacing. The jump between the words is a bit jarring. Also, 'exasperating' isn't a trait that can be assigned to something as much as it is a feeling of someone of an outside party. For example, saying 'he is exasperating' doesn't really sound right; 'spending time with him is exasperating' is more correct. In short, 'exasperating' is a strange word to put there also, but more for structure purposes. I'm no grammar expert, but I haven't seen exasperating used in that way, so I assume it's out of the ordinary...

Also, because Kailani starts the statement like she's announcing a fact they may not have known, it looks like exposition. Unless it's a common misconception that female Royals are more pompous/burdensome than males in their world, I don't think Kailani should start the statement with a 'Well, technically,' but rather with something more to the effect of, "Don't be silly!"

If it actually is a misconception, perhaps Kailani should say, "Actually, that's a common misconception. Both genders have equal potential to be pompous or burdensome." If it's not a misconception and most everyone knows that males and females are equally bad, then just, "Males are no better, Tanner." Will do.

Kailani continues. "I mean... Royals themselves have changed drastically over the centuries. So they all tend to have their negatives." Simplified, she's saying: "Because the Royals have changed over the centuries, they all have negatives." I dunno, the statement just seems odd to me, as I think everyone in general tends to have their negatives? I get it, the phrasing is just a little strange. Perhaps if she said, "I mean... Royal customs have drastically changed over the centuries, so putting up with any one of them will likely be a chore." (I put 'customs' in there because while as a group the Royals have changed for the worst, they're still a group of different individuals that changes every generation. A consistent change for the worst among the vast majority wouldn't really happen by genetics and chance, but the way they're brought up to view the rest of the world... hence, customs.)

"No specific gender can be more overbearing than the other, no matter how you put it." 'Can be' is too strong. By saying 'can be' the statement aims to eliminate all possibility of any one member of either gender being worse than any other one member, as if it's some kind of law. "Generally, neither gender is more overbearing than the other," is a safer statement to make in terms of veracity.

Okay, now the 'I guess'. Essentially, you're saying that Kailani deflates her statement because she doesn't want to sound like a know-it-all. The problem with that is that she presented the rest of her statements as facts. To say "I guess" is a rather dubious remark to attach to facts, so it kind of has the same effect as if she was saying, "Two plus two equals four... well, I think it does, maybe..." Basically, she's completely discrediting herself, making her entire statement pointless, and making herself look clueless. "Never mind," would be a better wording choice, as it ends the statement, but make it feel like a complete waste of time.

But also, why does she suddenly feel like a know-it-all? That needs to be established in some way if you want your readers to get the full grasp of the situation. Aside from the twins, who we wouldn't expect to understand what she's saying because of their age, how is everyone else reacting to the conversation? Are they bored? Annoyed? Clueless? Fascinated? Are they listening to Kailani at all? Does Kailani do this around her friends a lot? If so, what in their reactions make her feel so insecure about her intelligence that she feels she needs to cover it up?

Annnd again onto the marriage thing. Forgive me for all these questions, but it helps me analyze things... If all of these kids are seeing both their parents get married at the age of forty, then whose parents are getting married to all the 15-year-olds? Also, I've been meaning to ask... what's the distinction between the kids getting raised by parents and the kids getting raised in.... where these guys are on this page?

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AlfaFilly In reply to XVideociraptorX [2009-04-10 02:00:15 +0000 UTC]

(Haha, no prob! It happens xD I hid it ^^ )

Ah, thanks, that's a lot better. Even if it is novel sized! The more detailed the better!

Ah, now it makes perfect sense to me! Very reasonable too. And I liked your examples of wording for the dialogue. Mind if I replace it with that? :3

Haha, well, a friend of mine is very modest in a similar way Kailani is. She's kind of a show-of in a way that she is smart and wants to show others, but after it comes out of her mouth she doesn't want to sound arrogant so she says "I guess" as if she doesn't really know, even if it were correct. Like saying "The square root of 144 is 12. Er--I guess."
Then again, she's a silly muffin and when it happens in reality it probably isn't grammatically correct. Plus, we live in the south where I constantly have issues with saying "yeller" instead of "yellow" and "aten" instead of "eaten" in a sentence like "he's gettin' aten by a shark" which is... heh. xD

But I think I like the use of "never mind" a bit better now that I think of it.

Well, I believe by looking at their expressions in the BG you can infer a little something. Tanner looks like ">B[" as if he's growing tired of it, inferring it probably happens all the time. Though I can see how that would mix up views seeing as how Brandon and Jacky are like "<80" as if surprised, where-as if it were to happen all the time they'd probably have the same expression as Tanner. Hm... perhaps I should edit that...
REALIZATION! xD You helped me find an error!

Haha, it's no problem, I don't mind the questions at all :3
Mostly the regular citizens are the ones getting married young seeing as how females have 1 of 2 choices. They can either raise a family or go into the army. And if they choose the army they aren't allowed to be married since their training begins at age 16 and not having a husband and family would make it easier to cope in the army because you wouldn't worry about missing your family back home and vise versa.
And by raising a family, the government gives them money. Pretty much giving them money to have babies and up the population for the armies, in a nut shell.
And males, who aren't allowed to go into the army, plus they are lower in population, well, they just do whatever, most being the ones who are in the families.
As well, getting married at age 15 (or at least 16) would prevent you from being drafted into the army. So some people would get married that young just for that.

SO citizens are the ones who are getting married young. Royals, on the other hand, don't have to worry since they don't enter the armies nor do they need the money by raising a family since they're rich, so they end up marrying late, and since their children don't come in much contact with the regular citizens, they don't know so many get married that young.

Phew!

Ah, well, these guys were pretty much orphaned. So they are living with Finnie, who is their foster mother. The other characters, such as Callia and Reuben, were raised with their parents (which probably explains their snobby attitude. Snobby rich parents = snobby rich kids in most cases).

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XVideociraptorX In reply to AlfaFilly [2009-04-17 04:28:38 +0000 UTC]

Yay! I'm glad that made more sense. I also got what you were trying to get across better after reading the original explanation over a few more times, so that helped too. ; And you may certainly use my phrasing!

(Also, my friend says that she doesn't see a problem with 'exasperating' being used that way. But like I said, I wasn't sure... I just tend to hear it used a certain way I guess. )

Obviously it's fine that your friend says "I guess" after things in real life, it's just not something easily pulled off in fiction where things are almost always taken at face value. The difference is that while you know your friend probably knows her stuff regardless of whether she says "I guess", your readers likely don't have the story length to know Kailani that well, so chances are they'll assume she really isn't sure of what she means or the prose is confused... So yeah. It's fine in real life, I just don't think it succeeds as a writing device.

I see what you're talking about about the other character's faces in the background now. I think their expressions are fine. It is a little hard to get that Kailani is reacting to them when she's not shown to be looking at them, though, so you might want to consider editing that if you can.

And I see, that makes a lot more sense. You may want to go back and try to slip more of this information (such as the Selection only ever occurring once, etc.) into the prologue, since it's being narrated somewhat omnisciently by Kailani and you can get away with giving more information without it feeling forced on the reader. It would also help get more readers into the world this takes place in, since it seems so drastically different from societies most people would be familiar with.

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AlfaFilly In reply to XVideociraptorX [2009-04-17 20:17:01 +0000 UTC]

Well, the main thing about this story is most information is revealed over time. The whole story is mysterious and starts out with little information but gradually gained it all as times past. Just like when you go to school and learn stuff about your history as you get further and further along, the story reveals to you information about the world and society as it goes further and further along. So you learn about as you enjoy the story. :3

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AlfaFilly In reply to ReverendAspen [2008-07-19 08:05:00 +0000 UTC]

XDDD YES! But Tanner seems to be the only person who understand how wrong it really is anyway XD

Ohhh yes. O.O

:D OMG YAY! COMIC CRACK!

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AlfaFilly In reply to SassyRaptor [2008-06-14 05:15:55 +0000 UTC]

XD hehe thanks! Me too! Gotta love them little kiddies.

<33 Thanks! I hope page 9 will be my next deviation, so keep your eyes out

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SassyRaptor In reply to AlfaFilly [2008-06-18 19:07:42 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome.

Yay!!! Can't wait!

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AlfaFilly In reply to celest-the-ruler [2008-05-13 01:50:02 +0000 UTC]

Dun worry, its k :3

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celest-the-ruler In reply to AlfaFilly [2008-05-13 16:52:48 +0000 UTC]

i kinda feel badz nao,
but ya!
it looks great so far!!!

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AlfaFilly In reply to Tigr0 [2008-05-13 01:14:42 +0000 UTC]

<8D awww, Tanner gets teh love <3 As does Finnie. Finnie scares me XD
<8D I shall come up with moar! yes yes! *dances*
:3 awwwwwww *huggles* That'd be awesome <3

And naw, its not stupid! :3 That's just apart of my style I guess. I tend to go back and forth between realistic hands and cartoony depending on what's going on xDD

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Tigr0 In reply to AlfaFilly [2008-05-15 15:24:59 +0000 UTC]

XD hahah well i have to agree that finnie creeps me out little too
with her smile
:'D
kjdfnj ho yeah then ill shall do one after i had finished my trade :DDD

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AlfaFilly In reply to Tigr0 [2008-05-16 22:01:36 +0000 UTC]

<333 oh my gosh YAY! *has a spaz*

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AlfaFilly In reply to GlacierK [2008-05-16 22:13:34 +0000 UTC]

Indeed! I hope to get to the main plotline pretty soon. Or... something like that XD
<33 Thank you!

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GlacierK In reply to AlfaFilly [2008-05-16 22:49:07 +0000 UTC]

Your welcome. ^w^

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AlfaFilly In reply to MageSahara [2008-05-11 01:40:45 +0000 UTC]

:3 oh really? Thanks! I'm really glad to see such a positive outlook on the story thus far. I hope to get more pages up soon so get ready!

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MageSahara In reply to AlfaFilly [2008-05-11 03:43:52 +0000 UTC]

I definitely look forward to it!!

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AlfaFilly In reply to kittydemonchild [2008-05-11 01:25:21 +0000 UTC]

It shall come! oh yes, it shall come soon! *flails arms wildly*

<3 hehe
XDD I guess he is. Despite how silly he is he's got excellent points!
Well, him and Brandon are the only guys but Brandon doesn't ever really care that much whereas Tanner overreacts a lot XD

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AlfaFilly In reply to PacksandPrides [2008-05-05 00:41:04 +0000 UTC]

Hidden by Owner

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ElementalHowl In reply to AlfaFilly [2011-02-07 03:17:08 +0000 UTC]

Hidden by Owner

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AlfaFilly In reply to ElementalHowl [2011-02-07 21:50:03 +0000 UTC]

oh right, thanks for finding that ;D
Though half of the gang's parents have since been changed. Still should hide it to prevent confusion. xD

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AlfaFilly In reply to vartia [2008-05-04 03:15:24 +0000 UTC]

<3 That's great to hear! Hope to get another page up soon.
<8DDD That's totally awesome! I dunno if Jenelle is a real name or one I just made up. I can't seem to remember XD;;

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AlfaFilly In reply to AlfaAngel [2008-05-04 02:46:53 +0000 UTC]

XDD I'm trying to get 2 pages up a week at least. <8P To satisfy peoples craving XD

XDDD awww! YAY!

I shall not! I shall work hard and let it prosper! *heroic stance*

<8D Hurrah!

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AlfaAngel In reply to AlfaFilly [2008-05-04 18:51:54 +0000 UTC]

good.
you should.
because i really, REALLY need to read more.


yay!
go you!
huzzah!

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